Control

[Xinyta]

Know what. I am taking the Devil's Advocate approach to this.

We can talk all day about what we can do to not try being controlling over everything. But I, as someone who currently suffers from this, feel as if I need to present this.

What if you were born to narcissistic control freaks? What if your life was controlled by them and all you knew was tasks and other things done on THIER time and THIER way of doing it. Not your own time or skill. Being seen as stupid, idoitic, and everything in the book. Hiding whenever you can to avoid being yelled at for on thing or another. Over mostly menial and trivial things.

Then they ship you off, without your consent, to live on your own. Your first taste of freedom away from them. Feeling finally like you can have control over what happens in your life. Full control what you do and how you do it. However you never had been properly taught how to handle life on your own. You still hold resentment of your family. Those things combined slowly breaking things down to the point that your life is just you wasting it. Not wanting to make the effort to do anything. It goes back to what you did before you were moved out. And what little you do control not giving you much solace.

What then?

 

[Sasha22]

Know what. I am taking the Devil's Advocate approach to this.

We can talk all day about what we can do to not try being controlling over everything. But I, as someone who currently suffers from this, feel as if I need to present this.

What if you were born to narcissistic control freaks? What if your life was controlled by them and all you knew was tasks and other things done on THIER time and THIER way of doing it. Not your own time or skill. Being seen as stupid, idoitic, and everything in the book. Hiding whenever you can to avoid being yelled at for on thing or another. Over mostly menial and trivial things.

Then they ship you off, without your consent, to live on your own. Your first taste of freedom away from them. Feeling finally like you can have control over what happens in your life. Full control what you do and how you do it. However you never had been properly taught how to handle life on your own. You still hold resentment of your family. Those things combined slowly breaking things down to the point that your life is just you wasting it. Not wanting to make the effort to do anything. It goes back to what you did before you were moved out. And what little you do control not giving you much solace.

What then?

My story is not exactly the same but there's a few similarities (self-centered parents, inaccurate teachings, poor self-image, living alone from a relatively young age). I've often thought of baby giraffes when they try to take their first steps and fall down repeatedly, and try again. Precisely maybe it all comes down to wanting to make the effort to change the configuration, no matter how impossible that might look.

 

[AspieChris]

Know what. I am taking the Devil's Advocate approach to this.

We can talk all day about what we can do to not try being controlling over everything. But I, as someone who currently suffers from this, feel as if I need to present this.

What if you were born to narcissistic control freaks? What if your life was controlled by them and all you knew was tasks and other things done on THIER time and THIER way of doing it. Not your own time or skill. Being seen as stupid, idoitic, and everything in the book. Hiding whenever you can to avoid being yelled at for on thing or another. Over mostly menial and trivial things.

Then they ship you off, without your consent, to live on your own. Your first taste of freedom away from them. Feeling finally like you can have control over what happens in your life. Full control what you do and how you do it. However you never had been properly taught how to handle life on your own. You still hold resentment of your family. Those things combined slowly breaking things down to the point that your life is just you wasting it. Not wanting to make the effort to do anything. It goes back to what you did before you were moved out. And what little you do control not giving you much solace.

What then?

I like to hire you to write my unauthorized auto-biography.

Seriously though. That’s exactly what happened to me. I began a desperate need to eat every 4 hours right around the time I got my first job at 17 and moved out. Life was chaos (although it seemed normal), and I figured out many years later that it was the only thing I had control over. And if I missed a meal, even by 5 minutes, I would lose my mind.

I have always hated surprise birthday parties too. Presumably because something I have zero control over.

 

[Xinyta]

I like to hire you to write my unauthorized auto-biography.

Seriously though. That’s exactly what happened to me. I began a desperate need to eat every 4 hours right around the time I got my first job at 17 and moved out. Life was chaos (although it seemed normal), and I figured out many years later that it was the only thing I had control over. And if I missed a meal, even by 5 minutes, I would lose my mind.

I have always hated surprise birthday parties too. Presumably because something I have zero control over.

Want to know what's ironic? I was hardcore projecting out of anger when posting that. Though I think the anger I felt today was a good thing, because I was releasing suppressed emotions about how I felt about everything.

I unfortunately am jobless. And have been for a long time. I have been living off SSI. But I really wasn't lying about my parents not teaching me **** about life. They gave me the impression that they expected me to know what to do by default. Like it's some easy thing everyone knows automatically.

However I don't think eating and sleep use to really ever be on a time schedule for me. I ate and slept whenever when I was on my own.

 

[Ella Spell]

I don't do control, especially if other people are involved.
If I'm alone in my house I'll control the environment to suit my sensory needs.
If someone comes to visit, I change the variables to suit them (within reason).

Control feels wrong and makes me very uncomfortable.

 

[Jonn]

I aim to understand rather than control. Seizing control feels like an illusion and ultimately frustrating.

Learning flexibility has helped me more than seeking control. I thrive on order when I can, but one can find order in chaos with enough practice (That’s my hope, anyway. Still working on it.)

I have no interest in controlling other ppl.
But I do like to maintain emotional stability.
Easy to do in a forum context.
Not so easy when you are engaging in real time.

 

[AspieChris]

But I really wasn't lying about my parents not teaching me **** about life. They gave me the impression that they expected me to know what to do by default. Like it's some easy thing everyone knows automatically.

I’m just now (at 50) starting to understand that’s exactly what my parents did to me. Like throwing a child in a swimming pool and expecting that he’ll figure out how to not drown through some imbedded reflex.

My son is 15 (also ASD). I have been having a huge amount of trouble lately because I realized that he’ll drown if I can’t teach him how to transition from living with his parents to living on his own, and I have no clue how to do that. It’s my job as a father, and I’m lost. I’m terrified to the point that I’m no longer taking care of myself.

I guess that most of us here had parents who cared about themselves first, and their children last. It’s like they were Captains on the Titanic, yelling at the band to keep playing music instead of ushering everyone into the life boats.

I should be on SSI too. It would have helped me avoid overloading myself with responsibilities that I can’t handle. Obviously I can’t know how you feel about not having a job, but I’m a bit jealous. I’ve been paying into Social Security for 32 years, but socially I feel more insecure every year.

 

[Xinyta]

I’m just now (at 50) starting to understand that’s exactly what my parents did to me. Like throwing a child in a swimming pool and expecting that he’ll figure out how to not drown through some imbedded reflex.

My son is 15 (also ASD). I have been having a huge amount of trouble lately because I realized that he’ll drown if I can’t teach him how to transition from living with his parents to living on his own, and I have no clue how to do that. It’s my job as a father, and I’m lost. I’m terrified to the point that I’m no longer taking care of myself.

I can only imagine the nightmare of being the child thrown into the world to drown in life, only to be put again into that situation as the parent of a child. Though the difference is that you clearly care about your child potentially going through that if they are left unprepared. Alot of parents, I assume anyway, generally don't when they throw kids into life like that. Allot of them that needed to have child services called on them. My parents included.

I should be on SSI too. It would have helped me avoid overloading myself with responsibilities that I can’t handle. Obviously I can’t know how you feel about not having a job, but I’m a bit jealous. I’ve been paying into Social Security for 32 years, but socially I feel more insecure every year.

Honestly, it's nice if you can get it. But it's a troubling thing too for those like myself that really have not worked a day in thier life, barring the work program in High School and that one temp job.

I really never was put in a situation where I REALLY needed to scrimp on every dollar all too often. The lack of responsibility with it, outside NEEDING to spend it, is nice. I guess.

It’s like they were Captains on the Titanic, yelling at the band to keep playing music instead of ushering everyone into the life boats.

As tragically apt as that analogy is, I couldn't help laughing a little at it.

 

[Ella Spell]

That’s how my brother and cousin learnt to swim. It was en vogue as a method of swim instruction in the late 60s. They went to a reputable swimming lesson family who used their home pool, and their method was to have the toddlers sit on the edge of the pool with their feet in the water. The teacher would walk behind them and push them into the deep end without warning. Sink or swim. My brother who is ASD became a really skilled swimmer to this day. He even went on to do scuba diving. My cousin who is NT was traumatised and he never really swam again even though he’s into boating, canoeing, etc.

I was allowed to go somewhere else for lessons because the dude had retired by the time I was old enough.