Coping with a very, very NT marriage mate

[Suzanne]

How do I go about, getting my husband to appreciate that he needs to read about female aspergers? Keeps saying that he will get around to it, but doesn't, but in the mean time, doesn't get it at all? I find this just so illogical!

He is getting into the habit of smiling instead of shouting and using his hand in an up and down action, to denote: lower your voice, which helps a great deal

I do my best with housework, but he does not think I do my best good enough! I have to deal with all his mess (albeit, in boxes) and work around it all and wow it offends my eyes and senses, for I am an organized person; think much better when everything is in order. He is a hoarder and in the worst possible way!

So I am doing all I can to be busy ( not lazy, but due to blasted obsessions ie the internet and such, it appears that way ie lazy) and then, in he comes and says: do this please and I honestly freeze and can't think and then when I sort of manage to say: I will do it a bit later, he says: I will leave it here, so it is in your face ie to remind me? A friend suggested something and I caught on and so have put a suggestion to my husband that in the mornings, he shows me a list of things he would like me to do and then, during the day, if he finds other things, then to relate them, the following day. I do get his point: how can he get me to do things, if he cannot ask me? Like getting rid of cobwebs ( I have no issues with spiders, and do not go around, looking up at the ceiling), but my husband really finds this awful and demands that I should deal with them. The reason he doesn't is because he already has too much on his hands to do! I know he works very hard, but because I am expected to get his meals, I choose to not help, otherwise, I start to feel resentful that we are both being busy and yet, I am the one who has to do the cooking; surely we both should do that together? But nope, he considers it my role!

I feel rather alone with this, so wonder if other aspies have similar issues with their spouses?

 

[The Penguin]

Maybe reading books such as Aspergirls: Empowering Females With Asperger Syndrome | AspiesCentral.com . There tons of other resources out there and he should be educated on the topic.

 

[Balkan1996]

Mehh... I'm 18 years old, what do I know about this, but I'll try to give you an advice.


I think this is the problem with a lot of (NT) marriages.

The solution to every problem is - conversation.
Yes, I know it sounds too simple, but I think it really is. Close family friends NEVER had an argument in their marriage. Whenever they got a problem with their partner they would just put it all under the carpet. They thought fighting only distances two persons, they completely forgot that this is essential for every relationship, even the love one! After a few years - they divorced. Luckily, they got back together after a few years but I think it was all done just for their kids, they don't seem to be very happy.

Repressed emotions develop serious mental and interpersonal issues.

 

[Suzanne]

Maybe reading books such as Aspergirls: Empowering Females With Asperger Syndrome | AspiesCentral.com . There tons of other resources out there and he should be educated on the topic.

I totally agree, but how to get him to appreciate that he needs to be educated, that is the question

 

[Suzanne]

Mehh... I'm 18 years old, what do I know about this, but I'll try to give you an advice.


I think this is the problem with a lot of (NT) marriages.

The solution to every problem is - conversation.
Yes, I know it sounds too simple, but I think it really is. Close family friends NEVER had an argument in their marriage. Whenever they got a problem with their partner they would just put it all under the carpet. They thought fighting only distances two persons, they completely forgot that this is essential for every relationship, even the love one! After a few years - they divorced. Luckily, they got back together after a few years but I think it was all done just for their kids, they don't seem to be very happy.

Repressed emotions develop serious mental and interpersonal issues.

Thank you for at least trying and for answering; appreciate your effort Yes the solution is conversation, but the problem is: me taking things too literally and my husband not appreciating this point and my husband is not the sort to push things under the carpet, and has not got me to not do the same! I used to rather not talk, than argue, but these days, I seem to push to solve the issue and my husband thinks I am being too silly, to want to push!

 

[The Penguin]

I totally agree, but how to get him to appreciate that he needs to be educated, that is the question

Yeah that the hard part. I guess is using your best judgment since you know him best. Someone I once dated who is a English major could't understand my language based learning disability. Keep going on I should be able to read at this level and this and that. Since figures if I'm good software developer and other technical stuff that most people can't digest, I should't have issues learning an language. However, learning a language requires a different type of skills. I really hope he can be understanding for you as we both know it hard being with someone that don't.

 

[Suzanne]

Yeah that the hard part. I guess is using your best judgment since you know him best. Someone I once dated who is a English major could't understand my language based learning disability. Keep going on I should be able to read at this level and this and that. Since figures if I'm good software developer and other technical stuff that most people can't digest, I should't have issues learning an language. However, learning a language requires a different type of skills. I really hope he can be understanding for you as we both know it hard being with someone that don't.

Yes, my husband cannot understand why I don't read between the lines of what he says! The ironic thing is, that it is ME who suddenly realises that I took him too literally, but then, to be fair, he was the one who pointed out to me, first, that the problem with you, Suzanne, is you take things too literally and really should stop. I had not appreciated that before and so, reflected and thought: well he is right, so I shall try not to, but time and time again, I fall into the trap and suddenly, up pops Aspergers and I am thinking: oh for goodness sake, THAT IS WHY! And as usual, I am better at realising quicker than he is for picking up that perhaps I took him too literally! If it did not cause so much anguish, it would be funny!!!!

 

[Judge]

Yes, my husband cannot understand why I don't read between the lines of what he says!

It sounds like your husband doesn't have even the most basic understanding of what being on the spectrum entails. Perhaps you might start by explaining to him that there are many neurological functions that NTs take for granted in which Aspies cannot, no matter how much they might want to try. That certain traits and behaviors are "hard-wired" in our neurology. That we can't necessarily change them with an "attitude adjustment" alone.

And be somewhat sympathetic to him in that nature hasn't provided NTs and Aspies to have a common frame of reference regarding our respective thought processes. It's not his fault- or yours.

Beyond that I can only ponder the obvious question. Is it really that he simply doesn't want to understand? That strikes me as a much bigger issue in any relationship between and Aspie and an NT.

 

[Balkan1996]

I totally agree, but how to get him to appreciate that he needs to be educated, that is the question

I bet you already tried with: "I would really appreciate when you'd read something about Asperger's."

So, you could rephrase that into: "If you read *book*, I'll give you *something he'd really like*."

He will need some time to understand you.

 

[Warmheart]

I, too, need my neatly ordered world in order to think clearly. Clean, flat surfaces rule! Hubby's hoarded stuff must feel like "loud" visual chaos to you. Why not have a designated area for overflow (boxed stuff), such as garage, cellar, attic, spare bedroom, or even a specific shelving unit you both set up in a pantry? He'll have access to his boxed stuff, and you can have order.

When hubby wishes you to do something, he can tell you-- but then he can go over to the fridge where you hang your white board and dry erase markers. On the white board, he can write down what he needs you to notice and do, in whatever color marker you like best.

I am wishing you success and best of luck smoothing things with your hubby.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Yes, my husband cannot understand why I don't read between the lines of what he says! The ironic thing is, that it is ME who suddenly realises that I took him too literally, but then, to be fair, he was the one who pointed out to me, first, that the problem with you, Suzanne, is you take things too literally and really should stop. I had not appreciated that before and so, reflected and thought: well he is right, so I shall try not to, but time and time again, I fall into the trap and suddenly, up pops Aspergers and I am thinking: oh for goodness sake, THAT IS WHY! And as usual, I am better at realising quicker than he is for picking up that perhaps I took him too literally! If it did not cause so much anguish, it would be funny!!!!

You taking thing literally isn't your fault and I don't think you can change that. If he would read about Aspies, he would find this out. So don't get down on yourself because he refuses to learn about Aspieness.

This happened with my Aspie friend about a month ago....The last three months for me have been hellish so I would vent my frustrations to him (we text) and I wouldn't get any texts back. I started thinking "Shoot, he probably feels uncomfortable with me venting my problems to him like I'm doing because he won't answer." So one night I just asked him if it bothered him when I vented my feelings to him because I knew since he was an Aspie he would tell the truth. Before he was able to answer, it occurred to me from one of the postings here and he had also said it before too, that if something bothered him he would tell me. And indeed that was his answer. Educating myself with posts here and books that I have read has greatly helped me in my Aspie conversations. Even with all that I have read, communicating "Aspie" can still be very hard. My Aspie friend takes things literally too. If I catch him doing it, I just smile and know I have to change my wording. I think its sweet.

 

[Suzanne]

I, too, need my neatly ordered world in order to think clearly. Clean, flat surfaces rule! Hubby's hoarded stuff must feel like "loud" visual chaos to you. Why not have a designated area for overflow (boxed stuff), such as garage, cellar, attic, spare bedroom, or even a specific shelving unit you both set up in a pantry? He'll have access to his boxed stuff, and you can have order.

When hubby wishes you to do something, he can tell you-- but then he can go over to the fridge where you hang your white board and dry erase markers. On the white board, he can write down what he needs you to notice and do, in whatever color marker you like best.

I am wishing you success and best of luck smoothing things with your hubby.

Good ideas and thanks so much for your understanding! What I failed to mention is that we have actually only, recently moved house, which is why all is in chaos but the snag is, that I cannot cope with chaos. To my mind, I only wish to take out what I need, but hubby insists on taking everything else, which of course, leads to....CHAOS and I just cannot think in that zone!

Actually a friend suggested something and that got me thinking and coming out with an idea, that happily, my husband has agreed to. Each morning, to present me with a list of what he would like me to do and then, during the day, anything else, that comes to mind, can be added to a list for the following day and he said that we can but try

YES hoarded stuff is most certainly very LOUD to me and I get soooo angry! But it can also happen when he goes shopping! Believes that one can never have too much but one has to store the "too much" and plus, moans about the cost of the shopping and I am thinking: but I gave a list and those items were not on it!!! And guess what? I get ANGRY and try to calmly ask why he got so and so and just escape so that I can breath.

 

[Suzanne]

You taking thing literally isn't your fault and I don't think you can change that. If he would read about Aspies, he would find this out. So don't get down on yourself because he refuses to learn about Aspieness.

This happened with my Aspie friend about a month ago....The last three months for me have been hellish so I would vent my frustrations to him (we text) and I wouldn't get any texts back. I started thinking "Shoot, he probably feels uncomfortable with me venting my problems to him like I'm doing because he won't answer." So one night I just asked him if it bothered him when I vented my feelings to him because I knew since he was an Aspie he would tell the truth. Before he was able to answer, it occurred to me from one of the postings here and he had also said it before too, that if something bothered him he would tell me. And indeed that was his answer. Educating myself with posts here and books that I have read has greatly helped me in my Aspie conversations. Even with all that I have read, communicating "Aspie" can still be very hard. My Aspie friend takes things literally too. If I catch him doing it, I just smile and know I have to change my wording. I think its sweet.

I so wish my husband had the same attitude as you!!!!!

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I so wish my husband had the same attitude as you!!!!!

I think it takes someone who really cares for the other person. You two have been married for a long time and he probably is used to how things have been going - even if it isn't good. For things to change, he knows he would have to change and people are resistant to change. Like other Aspies have said here on this site, marriage counseling may be needed with someone who specializes in AS. If he keeps refusing to want to know more, get some counseling for yourself. Kind of like families of alcoholics can get themselves some help when the alcoholic refuses any help.

If I ever was married to an Aspie, I would also expect them to learn about NT women. I think both people involved in the relationship should do all they can to learn about the other. Maybe you can print out some traits of Aspies, highlight them and place them in a place like his desk or nightstand and ask him to read them at a time convenient to him saying that "it would mean a lot to you if he did" because it is about you and your Aspieness. Don't make it very long articles, just something short - it will probably not be read if too long. If my Ma gives me an article that is long, I can guarantee you a 90% chance that it will not be read unless I am extremely interested in the topic.

The lists for you are a very good idea. That's one of the solutions in the books that I have read.

 

[Suzanne]

I think it takes someone who really cares for the other person. You two have been married for a long time and he probably is used to how things have been going - even if it isn't good. For things to change, he knows he would have to change and people are resistant to change. Like other Aspies have said here on this site, marriage counseling may be needed with someone who specializes in AS. If he keeps refusing to want to know more, get some counseling for yourself. Kind of like families of alcoholics can get themselves some help when the alcoholic refuses any help.

If I ever was married to an Aspie, I would also expect them to learn about NT women. I think both people involved in the relationship should do all they can to learn about the other. Maybe you can print out some traits of Aspies, highlight them and place them in a place like his desk or nightstand and ask him to read them at a time convenient to him saying that "it would mean a lot to you if he did" because it is about you and your Aspieness. Don't make it very long articles, just something short - it will probably not be read if too long. If my Ma gives me an article that is long, I can guarantee you a 90% chance that it will not be read unless I am extremely interested in the topic.

The lists for you are a very good idea. That's one of the solutions in the books that I have read.

Thank you very much for your advice about a small list of traits and putting it in front of his desk and saying it would mean so much to me if you read them. I will certainly have try ☺

Well, I have lived most of my life believing I was NT but not knowing the name lol How I see it, is that if he now finds out that my rudeness etc is not against him, but being an aspie, I would have thought that is a relief?

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Thank you very much for your advice about a small list of traits and putting it in front of his desk and saying it would mean so much to me if you read them. I will certainly have try ☺

Well, I have lived most of my life believing I was NT but not knowing the name lol How I see it, is that if he now finds out that my rudeness etc is not against him, but being an aspie, I would have thought that is a relief?

When I first came here looking for information, I can't tell you how many times I said "Well, that was a rude thing for them to say." Especially with me being Miss Etiquette. Now I know they were just being blunt. I'm still not completely used to it to be honest with you, but it helps to know it's because of Aspieness.

 

[Suzanne]

When I first came here looking for information, I can't tell you how many times I said "Well, that was a rude thing for them to say." Especially with me being Miss Etiquette. Now I know they were just being blunt. I'm still not completely used to it to be honest with you, but it helps to know it's because of Aspieness.

You have no fear of that with me, for I am not the kind of person , given into bluntness I always life my life trying to be polite

 

[Grumpy Cat]

You have no fear of that with me, for I am not the kind of person , given into bluntness I always life my life trying to be polite

If I ever say anything that upsets you, Suzanne, just let me know. I'm always open to talking things out instead of parting ways over a disagreement. It's usually communication problems.

 

[Progster]

No, you aren't alone in this. I have the same issue with my husband. I've given him what materials I could find in his language about Asperger's to read, but he hasn't taken it on board and doesn't understand the full implications of it, and how it affects me. Also, I don't get, or accept this gender role thing. I work and when I have time I'll cook something or clean or do whatever is necessary to live and stay clean and healthy, but it's not my specific job to do so. He also complains unfairly to me about my failing to do these when actually I'm the one working and he is sitting around at home doing nothing because he has no work at the moment. As far as I'm concerned, he's the one who fails to do them, not me. If he points out that the dishes haven't yet been washed, I asked him why he's telling me this and not washing them himself. Sometimes he is busy, but hey, so am I. This is a frequent source of conflict because I work and get very tired, I feel stressed and overwhelmed by having a lot to do in one day and need support, but he doesn't see this, he can't get beyond the ridiculous impractical gender roles. He is a hoarder too, and there are way too many things and clutter in the house - I'm not huge on tidiness, but I like things to be functional, useful and have a purpose. I don't see the point of collecting 20 plastic bottles when there is no use for them, they are just there and serve no actual function.

Edit: one more thing... I can't uderstand how he criticises me for spending a lot of time with my music when he spends so much time watching football matches, watching TV or talking to his friends... Anyway, enough, rant over.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

No, you aren't alone in this. I have the same issue with my husband. I've given him what materials I could find in his language about Asperger's to read, but he hasn't taken it on board and doesn't understand the full implications of it, and how it affects me. Also, I don't get, or accept this gender role thing. I work and when I have time I'll cook something or clean or do whatever is necessary to live and stay clean and healthy, but it's not my specific job to do so. He also complains unfairly to me about my failing to do these when actually I'm the one working and he is sitting around at home doing nothing because he has no work at the moment. As far as I'm concerned, he's the one who fails to do them, not me. If he points out that the dishes haven't yet been washed, I asked him why he's telling me this and not washing them himself. Sometimes he is busy, but hey, so am I. This is a frequent source of conflict because I work and get very tired, I feel stressed and overwhelmed by having a lot to do in one day and need support, but he doesn't see this, he can't get beyond the ridiculous impractical gender roles. He is a hoarder too, and there are way too many things and clutter in the house - I'm not huge on tidiness, but I like things to be functional, useful and have a purpose. I don't see the point of collecting 20 plastic bottles when there is no use for them, they are just there and serve no actual function.

Oh my lord! This is a problem between men and women in general. The woman shouldn't be expected to do everything especially if she works too! They say that's one of the biggest problems in marriages that women are expected to work, then come home and cook dinner and get the kids ready for bed too and women accept this. There are some men that will pull their weight and help around the house and with the kids, but the majority don't. They say that a lot of women are happier being single while a lot of men are happier being married. I can see why. If both are working, then household stuff should be 50/50 with an agreed upon list of "to do's" for each person. If the man works and the woman doesn't, then I can see where the woman would do a lot of the household stuff while the man goes to work, but the woman will also need some breaks (especially if there are kids) and a little help with the kids.