Coping with a very, very NT marriage mate

[epath13]

1) a lot of people say they'll get around to something, and some really mean it, but never do. Maybe you guys can watch and discuss a movie or a documentary about it instead.

2) A lot of working spouses complain about household not being taken care of by a non working spouse (even if there's no Asperger's involved) because of unrealistic expectations. maybe you can casually tell him what you have done during a random day from the morning to the evening. You could also have a schedule (which can be helpful for a person on the spectrum) and share your schedule with him. As for the list, he might expect you to figure it out. From my experience, a lot of men expect, women make lists (because they don't trust yhat their men will do what expected )

3) all the things you're describing seem like pretty typical marriage issues where 2 different personalities collide. There can be always a compromise, depends how important each item on your things - that - cause - conflicts list to each person.

Maybe you can talk (or write) to each other and describe each others expectations and then discuss where you both can compromise.

 

[Thesaurusrex]

First off, I want to recommend perhaps getting a copy of this book in some form and giving it to him. Understand that he may not read it all in one go, but encourage him to read bits when he can. Perhaps even mark the parts you really want to bring to his attention in some way. My partner read it with enthusiasm before we even began seriously dating, and did his own research, and I believe it has the potential to be very helpful - particularly in navigating a relationship and understanding one another.

Another option I have seen suggested in many places for situations like these is to sit down with him and bring up one of the ASD checklist/quiz things that are found online and go through it with him, point out the aspects that apply to you, ask him what he thinks, and use that as a tool to engage in a conversation about neurodiversity and your own traits.

 

[AsheSkyler]

If he spends a lot of time on the pot, just leave a guide to autism on the back of the toilet for him to read at his convenience.

My husband was a real bear about the house being clean when he was the working one. I'm not sure if he ever picked up how tired I was with a crawling baby, college homework, laundry, cooking, cleaning, and household grocery and supplies shopping. I still do half the dishes and all the laundry now that I'm the one working, but I rarely do the floors or bathrooms these days. He's here all day too, he can do some of it.

 

[Suzanne]

If I ever say anything that upsets you, Suzanne, just let me know. I'm always open to talking things out instead of parting ways over a disagreement. It's usually communication problems.

Ah you are so sweet and I will be hon

No, you aren't alone in this. I have the same issue with my husband. I've given him what materials I could find in his language about Asperger's to read, but he hasn't taken it on board and doesn't understand the full implications of it, and how it affects me. Also, I don't get, or accept this gender role thing. I work and when I have time I'll cook something or clean or do whatever is necessary to live and stay clean and healthy, but it's not my specific job to do so. He also complains unfairly to me about my failing to do these when actually I'm the one working and he is sitting around at home doing nothing because he has no work at the moment. As far as I'm concerned, he's the one who fails to do them, not me. If he points out that the dishes haven't yet been washed, I asked him why he's telling me this and not washing them himself. Sometimes he is busy, but hey, so am I. This is a frequent source of conflict because I work and get very tired, I feel stressed and overwhelmed by having a lot to do in one day and need support, but he doesn't see this, he can't get beyond the ridiculous impractical gender roles. He is a hoarder too, and there are way too many things and clutter in the house - I'm not huge on tidiness, but I like things to be functional, useful and have a purpose. I don't see the point of collecting 20 plastic bottles when there is no use for them, they are just there and serve no actual function.

Edit: one more thing... I can't uderstand how he criticises me for spending a lot of time with my music when he spends so much time watching football matches, watching TV or talking to his friends... Anyway, enough, rant over.

That is awful and I feel angry for you! In this respect, my husband does work very hard and is the one who goes out to work. I can't due to not being able to drive, and battling severe social phobia, due to living in a foreign country. But I do my best, because for me, I see that if I am not going out to earn, then it is my role to take care of the house, I obviously miss the target a lot!

Oh yes, the dreaded empty bottles!!

What a horrible situation, because I get upset when I am busy around the house, as well as him, but still expected to get his food. In this respect, husbands should help their wives. My faith helps me very much to recognise roles. Man or woman goes to work ie the breadwinner, one at home, takes care of things, but also gets a wage, whether it monetary or sentiment, but men do not see housework as work

 

[Progster]

Ah you are so sweet and I will be hon


That is awful and I feel angry for you! In this respect, my husband does work very hard and is the one who goes out to work. I can't due to not being able to drive, and battling severe social phobia, due to living in a foreign country. But I do my best, because for me, I see that if I am not going out to earn, then it is my role to take care of the house, I obviously miss the target a lot!

Oh yes, the dreaded empty bottles!!

What a horrible situation, because I get upset when I am busy around the house, as well as him, but still expected to get his food. In this respect, husbands should help their wives. My faith helps me very much to recognise roles. Man or woman goes to work ie the breadwinner, one at home, takes care of things, but also gets a wage, whether it monetary or sentiment, but men do not see housework as work

I live in a foreign country too. My husband goes and potters around ouside doing odd jobs. These jobs are usually things which need doing at some point, but aren't absolutely essential or particularly urgent, whereas there might be 10 urgent chores to be done in the house. He then uses his potting around outside doing non-urgent jobs as an excuse not to do the urgent jobs indoors. So really, it's a question of priority - he never sees household chores as a priority. In fact, they aren't even on his list of things to be done most of the time, unless he runs out of underwear and then notices that nobody has done the washing. He's starting to improve, though.

 

[radasp]

The question is: On what basis did you choose to marry this person and vice versa?

 

[phoe]

Just remind him that you're the same wonderful person he married, but you've got the same problems coping with the "real world" now as you did then. He still married you.

Try to explain that you're doing the best you can with the cards you've been handed in life, but although you might be able to "acknowledge" things need doing, the process of "doing" them is like being smacked in the face with a cryptic crossword puzzle - causing pretty much the same results - pain, anxiety, and bewilderment.

If he needs things doing a certain way, he could do it himself, but if he wants your help, tell him you need his help and guidance - that you're not being awkward, just realistic about the things you can and can't do...

 

[Naturalist]

I am sorry to find your post at this later date, I am still recovering from the holidays.

I have this problem to the letter, with my husband. He absolutely refuses to read anything about Aspergers--once, we had an argument and he kept asking why I was being so literal and couldn't see that he was trying to be funny and I threw a book at him: it was 22 Things a Woman with Aspergers Wants her Partner to Know by Rudy Simone! I bought it for him because it was short and relevant and wouldn't demand too much of his time, but he still refused to read it, and then wondered why I had such a hard time getting his sarcasm.

The thing that annoys me most is, we actually have a lot in common, so he should understand me better than the "average Joe." He has tinnitis from an injury in his ear, and is very sensitive to certain sounds. He has ADD, and has a hard time keeping up with housework and difficulties with executive function. And he gets obsessed with projects occasionally and can't let go of them. So he SHOULD understand my needs to a degree, but when my needs don't match his expectations, somehow I am the one who must change.

The mess issue is a constant with us. I am not a very neat person, but I try not to own too many things so that I don't get overwhelmed with stuff. My husband is the opposite--he has lots of stuff and it is everywhere, which means there is not a single room where I can find the orderly environment I need to relax. It really is "visual noise". My mother used to say the ideal marriage would involve owning a duplex. I know a couple (both Aspies) who reside in separate houses, even though married. When I asked about it (yes, I was that tactless!), the response was, "I don't like her mess, and she doesn't like mine"! They have been happily married for many, many years...

 

[phoe]

I suspect I know why you two get on so well... you've described classic symptoms of aspergers in HIM !

As for being critical, I'll hold my hands up to being the same - I think it's because we know how we want things to be, but can't do it ourselves. There's a disconnect between us knowing something (how it works etc.) and being able to do it in practice.

I'm prone to mess - but I know where everything is, so would it help coming to a compromise where he has one room for his projects, and the rest of the house is "respectable"

As for your stuff, or lack of, it's probably a similar situation to my wife - she hates clutter ("dust collectors") - but she has *taste* - she has a select few things that look great !

It won't be easy, but try to let the criticism go as just another symptom he can't help, he probably doesn't mean as hurtful, it's one of his coping strategies / being literal about things he can't do himself.