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Coping with Change

I'm not sure what kind of big change you're going through, but please rest assured that you're not alone to some extent.

In my previous threads about coping in foreign lands, many (some?) people here have gone through a big change, which is moving to a foreign land, with foreign languages. Imagine that suddenly you're moving to a land you don't know, and you cant even speak their languages. Even small changes affect aspie/autistic people a lot, let alone big change like this.

However, they survived. Maybe it's not all 100% happiness for them; we all have ups & downs - but they survived. They also provide lots of useful tips, and lots of motivation to people who are in similar situation. Truly, people here are very kind, relatable and give great advice.

Summary of their great advices is: "One thing at a time".

Wish you a smooth and preferably happy change.
 
For me I think it is related to executive dysfunction and "set shifting" (possibly related is the way I rely more on long-term memory than short term memory because my short term memory is terrible?)....my brain is very slow to change gears and being disoriented during the agonizingly drawn-out adjustment process is incredibly unsettling, anxiety-provoking, and frustrating.
 
So recently my wife has found a new job, this is a big change for her, as well as the rest of my family. As some of you know I have a son with ASD-3 and he is very prone to meltdowns and is very attached to my wife. Anyways, this new job requires her to leave earlier than usual (before the bus arrives at my son's bus stop). Because of that, it is now my duty to drop my son off in the mornings, as I work nights and am available in the mornings.

When I first found out about this change, it terrified me. I imagined terrible meltdowns every morning when she left etc. We are into the second day of her new job now. Yesterday she managed to sneak out without him noticing, so he was totally fine, but today he knew something fishy was afoot and wouldn't leave her side all morning. Therefore she could not sneak out. She explained to him that she had to leave for work and that "Papa will bring you to the bus." I immediately thought "Oh crap, here we go..." Surprisingly he just smiled, gave her a high five and then grabbed my hand and led me to the living room. He was a little upset, but nothing too serious, and we spent the next 45 minutes together playing ball and watching TV.

The ride to the bus stop went very smoothly and he smiled and waved to me from his seat on the bus. I am so proud of him and also relieved. It makes me feel a lot more connected to him and not so afraid to take him places by myself. (Up until recently, any time his mother wasn't around or had to leave for an errand he would have sometimes hour+ long meltdowns).

Sometimes changes and challenges are good! This situation makes me want to challenge myself more, and is alleviating the ever-present anxiety I usually feel on a daily basis. So the next time you are anxious, terrified, or imagining bad things for the future, try and see the good things that can come from changes.

 
I think the way both your wife & you handled that was top dollar. She explained to him as an equal & you then spent those precious 45 minutes of bonding before any separation. Brilliant parenting. Never underestimate the depth of a child's comprehension. Hope it continues! ☺
 
Schism said:
I think the way both your wife & you handled that was top dollar. She explained to him as an equal & you then spent those precious 45 minutes of bonding before any separation. Brilliant parenting. Never underestimate the depth of a child's comprehension. Hope it continues! ☺
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Yes, I am beginning to realize that even though he cannot express himself verbally, he is aware of a lot more than I thought, and can understand pretty intricate things in both English and Japanese. It makes me wonder more about what is going on in his brain even more than before. Thanks for the words of encouragement. :)
 
That is awesome to hear he was fine this morning, good job to the both of you. Plus it's awesome you got to spend almost an hour playing with him and bonding.
 
At primary school I heard about a child whose family was going through divorce. I had no comprehension of the word or what it meant. Night after night, I cried myself to sleep saying over & over "my mum & dad won't get divorced" like a mantra.

Well, they did. Because I had picked up on the distress of this kid at school & subconsciously made the link within my own family. It had happened before when even younger & the writing was on the wall. I knew, but didn't know what I knew & the adults had no idea either at the time, I think. I felt it though, like telepathy. I couldn't express what I didn't know.

So, same with your son. He knew changes were happening. You dealt with it honestly & he was assured by that. Kudos.
 
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Awesome! You two parents have obviously done something very right. It may even be that he needed to become a little more independent of mom and a little more reliant of you.

Thanks for sharing a neat story.
 
This has been asked before but I'll go ahead and ask anyway.

I'm curious to hear of from any autism / aspergers sufferers on how they're unable to cope with changes? How would it make you feel? How would you react? Have you got any examples of changes that occured that you couldn't cope with?
 
I am like a previous poster. I can get upset when l couldn't get Seattle's best coffee. I also like having choices at grocery stores and will drive somewhere else to get the choices l am use too. It seems that being on the spectrum means we have specific habits that we live by. And to avoid people, l shop at nite.
I cope with change sometimes. Like l can't do what l want now but l am taking a vaca from driving, jobs, and all that. So l have really relaxed in the last month. It's okay if money isn't coming in if at least - l can just relax. I started a new job and that was a big change.
 
Cazelle said:
I struggle with changes. Big and small. I'm not sure why? I know I struggle more than the 'average' person by a long shot. I'm guessing it is part of the ASD side of me? I get stressed if a company changes the packaging on a product, I will almost have a panic attack if the supermarket is rearranged, I feel sick and sluggish when my schedule changes (and I have to keep checking it), I feel on edge even if a friend changes their hair colour. I don't know if it is a control thing or what.

Please tell me I'm not alone in this? Any ideas on how to get through it? I have some big changes happening in my life and I can't even begin to process them. I'm stuck.
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I used to have similar problems due to anxiety. I found watching Youtube videos titled "ASD CBT Videos for children" from user AutismTeachingStratgies to be very helpful.
 
That is one of my big defaults sudden changes throw me way off never could adjust very well when young didn't know why now know the reason that dose not mean I can handle it that well.
 
I've always had such a hard time with change even in preschool. And now is such a hard time dealing with the change with COVID-19 that I just wish it could hurry up and get a vaccine so stuff could get back to just a little normal.
 
Cazelle said:
I agree with this, especially the basics. Why do shops have to move, rearrange or rebrand? Just stay the same!
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They're not very creative with their rearranging at all.
It just a way to manipulate the customer to part with more money.

Chances are the product you're looking for is in the same aisle, just on a different shelf.

By changing the location of an item in an aisle, the supermarket can make a customer look at 10-20 more items while searching for the product they want with a high probability of picking up more items to buy.


Rebranding or repackaging used to throw me off course.
Nowadays I just check the 'small print' on the packaging,
ingredients, weight etc,
usually to discover it's only the outside of the wrapping that's changed,
the inside is pretty much as it always was.
 
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In addition,
I've experienced the collywobbles over change so frequently in the past I easily recognise the feeling it creates.

Rather than being rendered useless by ensuing disordered thoughts born from panic,
I find another way to get what I want.

When I feel that tension rising, I give it a score out of ten, take a moment to remember to breathe,
and remind myself where I am and my motivation for doing what I'm doing.


Takes practise but is eventually effective. Works for me anyway :)
 
I can feel you.

I hate change as well, even though I can cope with it to a certain degree, especially at work. I work in customer service, and we work in shifts, and each month is different to the one before, even each week is different to the one before. There's no real order in that. Then there's always change in the workflow with which I have to keep up, and we have quite a fluctuation of colleagues, so I need to learn names and faces quite regularly.

That makes me more aware of other changes - the supermarkets, omg, one of the worst changes in the world. I just want to go where I find my stuff and leave again. If they change, I'm lost and leave with less than I need.

On the other hand, sometimes I really welcome change. I'm totally inconsistant in that and I can't even give an example for a welcome change just now. But they are there. Somehow.
 
I had said change usually up sets me but in later life my wife is my rock she can control me to calm down.
 
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