Could my boyfriend have Aspergers?

[GoddessAmber]

The guy I've been seeing has a very unusual way of communicating. In person or on text he will not engage in normal conversation, there's never really any "hi, how are you?", he will just vomit up a torrent of highly detailed but uninteresting (to me) information about very specific subject matter.

A typical communication was like the texts he sent me today. About 7 texts in all, all at once. They just contained photos and videos of different shop windows he has seen today and detailed information about what is in the shop windows. He did not say "hello" or "how are you" or "thought this might be of interest to you." in any of the texts. He just dumped the information. I've given no reason to make him think I'm interested in pictures of shop windows.

It's always like this and he is also very tactless with everybody to the point of coming across as really rude.

Another unusual thing was he once mentioned that the sensation of water from the shower on his skin "feels painful" and as a result he does not shower. He does actually smell quite strongly recently. His teeth are bright yellow.

Does any of this point towards Aspergers?

 

[Southern Discomfort]

That does sound quite asperger like. Not having a good concept of what to tell someone how their day went, what is valuable to the listen is quite a tell tell sign.
There's no real simple question to ask to prove one has AS but there are online tests you can do it give you a firmer idea, such as the AQ test. The only real way you'll get a definitive answer would be from a doctor who knows about AS. But it's a good idea to talk to him about it and learn about it together.

 

[GoddessAmber]

Thank you for your reply. I'm particularly worried about the hygiene problems and I am not sure I can continue in the relationship due to the hygiene. Last time we were out I kept thinking "what's that smell?" It smelled like a rotting garbage can to be frank. Gradually I realised the odour was coming from him. We have not yet had sex and I would not feel comfortable doing so given the hygiene issues. He also does not believe in brushing his teeth. The teeth are a fairly bright yellow. But he does constantly eat breath mints. I am really confused.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

Yeah. I can understand that. It might down to specific sensory things such as the sound of brushing your teeth, a problem that might be overcome with an electric toothbrush, or taking a bath and instead of a shower if he doesn't like the feeling of water splashing against him. It might also be become of poor organisational skills; people with Asperger's can have problems with execution functioning. Again, something you're going to need to discuss with him, you can't get by without basic hygiene in this day and age.

 

[GoddessAmber]

Is it wrong of me to just feel that I don't want to have to teach him how to take care of his basic personal hygiene? To be brutally honest I just want a partner who already understands these things, and who doesn't smell bad.

 

[metalminx24]

Wow, you're clearly a lovely person for having stuck with him, and for coming here to seek advice. I take my (virtual!) hat off to you! As for him having aspergers...maybe. its something only a pro can really say, but also a diagnosis is something the person has to want. Have you tried to communicate with him about it? About the fact that his lack of personal care is affecting your relationship? About that fact that his texts, while interesting to him, don't cater to your needs? Does he realise that relationships go both ways? Clearly there must be things you like about him for you to make so much effort...maybe try highlighting those good things as an initiation to a conversation and lead on to how you'd like to see things change to accommodate your feelings too.

Communication really is the key, if there are specific sensory issues I'm sure that some of us experience similar things and can maybe suggest you alternatives, (as Southern Discomfort did) but all we can do is take wild guesses at the mo!!

I hope that's tiny help, I respect you hugely for coming here, you're very welcome ☺

 

[Southern Discomfort]

It's not necessarily wrong for you to feel this way, but I think all partners have things they need to work on; none of us are squeaky clean (no pun intended). I think it comes down to whether or not you love him enough.
Let's just assume for the moment he does have AS and he has sensory problems, it's quite probable that he doesn't know why he has these them, why he find splashing water causes him pain when other people have no such issue. And you've mentioned that he eats a lot of mints so he's probably quite self conscious about his breath and teeth. It's unfair, there's no other way of putting it.

 

[Judge]

The guy I've been seeing has a very unusual way of communicating. In person or on text he will not engage in normal conversation, there's never really any "hi, how are you?", he will just vomit up a torrent of highly detailed but uninteresting (to me) information about very specific subject matter.

A typical communication was like the texts he sent me today. About 7 texts in all, all at once. They just contained photos and videos of different shop windows he has seen today and detailed information about what is in the shop windows. He did not say "hello" or "how are you" or "thought this might be of interest to you." in any of the texts. He just dumped the information. I've given no reason to make him think I'm interested in pictures of shop windows.

It's always like this and he is also very tactless with everybody to the point of coming across as really rude.

Another unusual thing was he once mentioned that the sensation of water from the shower on his skin "feels painful" and as a result he does not shower. He does actually smell quite strongly recently. His teeth are bright yellow.

Does any of this point towards Aspergers?

It can be ASD, although bear in mind that we all have different combinations of traits, behaviors and possible comorbidity.

That said, you might be amused by the film "Mozart and the Whale"...about a relationship between two Aspies. The role actor Josh Hartnett plays in this film reminds me of this guy you have described.

 

[GoddessAmber]

No human being is perfect but I think to require basic hygiene from an intimate partner is not at all demanding or unreasonable. It is very uncommon (in my experience) for an adult to simply not wash their body or brush their teeth ever. That's a little more than just being your regular slightly imperfect human adult

 

[Southern Discomfort]

No human being is perfect but I think to require basic hygiene from an intimate partner is not at all demanding or unreasonable. It is very uncommon (in my experience) for an adult to simply not wash their body or brush their teeth ever. That's a little more than just being your regular slightly imperfect human adult

As I said, let's assume for the moment that he isn't like everyone else. The typical person doesn't have to deal with painful sensory issues with water. If you can imagine what it's like to stare into the sun on a really bright day then you might be able to understand what it's like to be sensitive to water, it's unbearable. I'm not saying it's okay not to shower, I'm just trying to get you to understand what it must be like if you're getting bombarded with that much pain whilst doing something basic like showering.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Is it wrong of me to just feel that I don't want to have to teach him how to take care of his basic personal hygiene? To be brutally honest I just want a partner who already understands these things, and who doesn't smell bad.

It's not wrong of you at all.

 

[Datura]

Is it wrong of me to just feel that I don't want to have to teach him how to take care of his basic personal hygiene? To be brutally honest I just want a partner who already understands these things, and who doesn't smell bad.

You are totally entitled to these feelings. From what you describe it does not sound unlikely that your boyfriend is on the spectrum. Perhaps all he needs is to have these issues brought to his attention and he will work on them, but more likely these changes will be more difficult for him. Maybe he really does need somebody to teach him these skills, but that doesn't mean it has to be you. When people enter into romantic relationships I believe they prefer to do so as relative equals, not one individual having to guide the other.

 

[Lena_C]

Sorry for interrupting you guys, but I really get offended by your word "imperfect".
Of course nobody in this world is perfect, but as I understand it from your speech.
I take it that you mean we're broken while you NT is perfect.
This is all wrong. Autie and Aspie are nothing less than NT.
We all have different pros and cons.
Regarding the sensory issue, I agree with SouthernDiscomfort, have a bath instead of shower is a great idea, the water temperature is also important too.
If he can't stand for bath too, maybe suggest him to use a warm towel to clean himself? (Something like nursing ICU patients in the hospital)
There are many possibility.
But as you said, you want to find a partner who can self care themselves and don't want to teach somebody who have special needs.
So it's alright if you want to step away from him.
Human is selfish, that's our nature.
If you think you don't want to make some adjustment, then you totally didn't deserve his love. Vice versa.
You have to know what "basic" in NT's perspective is not basic in our perspective.
If you can't put yourself in Neurodiverse's perspective, honestly, you really can't help him.

 

[GoddessAmber]

If you read my post properly you will see that I said we are all imperfect human beings. Nowhere did I say that people with Aspergers are imperfect and those of us without Aspergers are perfect. It feels like your reply was a venting of your own issues and concerns rather than an a reply to my actual post.

Sorry for interrupting you guys, but I really get offended by your word "imperfect".
Of course nobody in this world is perfect, but as I understand it from your speech.
I take it that you mean we're broken while you NT is perfect.
This is all wrong. Autie and Aspie are nothing less than NT.
We all have different pros and cons.
Regarding the sensory issue, I agree with SouthernDiscomfort, have a bath instead of shower is a great idea, the water temperature is also important too.
If he can't stand for bath too, maybe suggest him to use a warm towel to clean himself? (Something like nursing ICU patients in the hospital)
There are many possibility.
But as you said, you want to find a partner who can self care themselves and don't want to teach somebody who have special needs.
So it's alright if you want to step away from him.
Human is selfish, that's our nature.
If you think you don't want to make some adjustment, then you totally didn't deserve his love. Vice versa.
You have to know what "basic" in NT's perspective is not basic in our perspective.
If you can't put yourself in Neurodiverse's perspective, honestly, you really can't help him.

 

[GoddessAmber]

This is spot on. I'm not an uncaring person but I prefer to have a relationship with somebody who is a relevant equal in terms of basic self care, social skills etc. I feel it's better for me to be honest about this rather than pretend I am OK with it when really I am not fully OK with it. It would feel rather one-sided. Who would be the one to take care of me when I needed support, for example?

You are totally entitled to these feelings. From what you describe it does not sound unlikely that your boyfriend is on the spectrum. Perhaps all he needs is to have these issues brought to his attention and he will work on them, but more likely these changes will be more difficult for him. Maybe he really does need somebody to teach him these skills, but that doesn't mean it has to be you. When people enter into romantic relationships I believe they prefer to do so as relative equals, not one individual having to guide the other.

 

[GoddessAmber]

Another thing I have noticed is that he will just decide to do something (like abruptly get up and leave the restaurant, insist on suddenly leaving whatever venue we are in) without any concern at all for whether I am ready to leave. Example: we are eating in a restaurant. He suddenly says "Let's go right now!" I will say "Well I haven't a chance to eat my food yet. Can you wait for me to finish?" And he will say, "No. Let's go!"

This happens frequently. No concern whatsoever for what I might want to do. Could this be due to Aspergers too? I assumed at first he was very rude or childish.

 

[artfull dodger]

In my opinion, he is very much an Aspie. When I want to do something its not latter, its right now. I to can get impatient with my wife when I am done eating and ready to go and she isnt even close. But, thru help with my therapist I have learned to not be so rude and self absorbed. I will keep myself busy on my smart phone or go get myself some more desert to eat. But at the same time, as she is getting done, I express that I am ready to go as soon as she is. Life wasnt always this way, we were one step from a divorce before I got help, didnt know I had Aspergers at that point, but when I started struggling to apply what she was teaching me, she tested me for it. If your serious about staying with him and truly care, it will take the both of you to make the relationship work, and it will seem a little one sided at first till he learns some more healthy coping skills. Being undiagnosed and not knowing any better, I had developed some unhealthy coping skills which worked great for me, but not for us. I am not good at what you should do next, espicialy if he refuses to see someone for a diagnosis. But in my opinion he needs to get professional help or he is going to fail at every relationship. But please becarefull if you do decide to leave, major let downs or losses in my life would send me into a deep depression or shutdown and thoughts of suicide would come. I think he does care about you, but being Aspie, does not see how some of his routines are not conductive to a healthy relationship with you. I was fortunate that my parents got me into a routine of proper bathing and upkeep of myself. Most all Autistics are routine driven and any change of that is a major upsetting event. I have a friend that is most likely Aspie(going thru tests now) and it takes someone bluntly telling him that he stinks and is offensive smelling. He isnt happy about it, but he sees no need to do anything about it unless its brought to his attention. He is doing better now with help of a thearapist and support from the few friends he has left as many abandoned him thru the process. Thru the whole process of me getting help, my wife had to learn about Aspergers and that somethings about me will never change or will be a life long struggle. But she truely loved me and wanted to help me and together we are making the journey. Without her help, I am not sure I would still be on this earth. I will pray that the two of you can work thru this as finding someone to be with was a life long struggle for me, as it is for most Aspies, I didnt meet my future wife till I was 27 and never had a girl friend prior to that. Good luck and feel free to message me off the main board if you have questions you need answers to, I will try my best. Mike

 

[GoddessAmber]

Interestingly this has now come up in conversation. We talked about Aspergers a little. He said that none of his behaviourial traits are at all out of the "ordinary" and he just laughed it off.

 

[GoddessAmber]

thank you so much

In my opinion, he is very much an Aspie. When I want to do something its not latter, its right now. I to can get impatient with my wife when I am done eating and ready to go and she isnt even close. But, thru help with my therapist I have learned to not be so rude and self absorbed. I will keep myself busy on my smart phone or go get myself some more desert to eat. But at the same time, as she is getting done, I express that I am ready to go as soon as she is. Life wasnt always this way, we were one step from a divorce before I got help, didnt know I had Aspergers at that point, but when I started struggling to apply what she was teaching me, she tested me for it. If your serious about staying with him and truly care, it will take the both of you to make the relationship work, and it will seem a little one sided at first till he learns some more healthy coping skills. Being undiagnosed and not knowing any better, I had developed some unhealthy coping skills which worked great for me, but not for us. I am not good at what you should do next, espicialy if he refuses to see someone for a diagnosis. But in my opinion he needs to get professional help or he is going to fail at every relationship. But please becarefull if you do decide to leave, major let downs or losses in my life would send me into a deep depression or shutdown and thoughts of suicide would come. I think he does care about you, but being Aspie, does not see how some of his routines are not conductive to a healthy relationship with you. I was fortunate that my parents got me into a routine of proper bathing and upkeep of myself. Most all Autistics are routine driven and any change of that is a major upsetting event. I have a friend that is most likely Aspie(going thru tests now) and it takes someone bluntly telling him that he stinks and is offensive smelling. He isnt happy about it, but he sees no need to do anything about it unless its brought to his attention. He is doing better now with help of a thearapist and support from the few friends he has left as many abandoned him thru the process. Thru the whole process of me getting help, my wife had to learn about Aspergers and that somethings about me will never change or will be a life long struggle. But she truely loved me and wanted to help me and together we are making the journey. Without her help, I am not sure I would still be on this earth. I will pray that the two of you can work thru this as finding someone to be with was a life long struggle for me, as it is for most Aspies, I didnt meet my future wife till I was 27 and never had a girl friend prior to that. Good luck and feel free to message me off the main board if you have questions you need answers to, I will try my best. Mike

 

[Ste11aeres]

You are totally entitled to these feelings. From what you describe it does not sound unlikely that your boyfriend is on the spectrum. Perhaps all he needs is to have these issues brought to his attention and he will work on them, but more likely these changes will be more difficult for him. Maybe he really does need somebody to teach him these skills, but that doesn't mean it has to be you. When people enter into romantic relationships I believe they prefer to do so as relative equals, not one individual having to guide the other.

This is spot on. I'm not an uncaring person but I prefer to have a relationship with somebody who is a relevant equal in terms of basic self care, social skills etc. I feel it's better for me to be honest about this rather than pretend I am OK with it when really I am not fully OK with it. It would feel rather one-sided. Who would be the one to take care of me when I needed support, for example?

I think that's the normal way to feel. A relationship in which one person does all the nurturing/teaching, and especially one in which they have to teach basic self-care skills...that's a mother child relationship.
Romantic relationships have more mutual give and take.

He might be a very good guy, but that's not all that's required for a mature romantic relationship. (Some people unfortunately think that it is, at least when it comes to themselves-that's where "nice guy" syndrome comes in, where someone complains that the fact that they aren't a jerk should be all that's required for them to enter into a relationship. Yes, not-being-a-jerk is vital, but it's only part of what's needed).
The parentheses was a tangent that (as far as I know) has no direct bearing on your situation.