Could my boyfriend have Aspergers?

[Judge]

This is spot on. I'm not an uncaring person but I prefer to have a relationship with somebody who is a relevant equal in terms of basic self care, social skills etc. I feel it's better for me to be honest about this rather than pretend I am OK with it when really I am not fully OK with it. It would feel rather one-sided. Who would be the one to take care of me when I needed support, for example?

Perfectly understandable. Although quite honestly I'd say that with such firm sentiments, it may be in your best interest to avoid relationships with much of anyone on the spectrum of autism. Only because there are never any guarantees of "social parity" being established. Where it may at times appear terribly "one-sided". Some people have ways of giving and taking to make such circumstances work. Others do not.

It's not a crime if you aren't able or prepared to deal with such social dynamics. It takes a lot to make such a relationship work. Not every Aspie/NT couple can make this happen.

 

[Lena_C]

If you read my post properly you will see that I said we are all imperfect human beings. Nowhere did I say that people with Aspergers are imperfect and those of us without Aspergers are perfect. It feels like your reply was a venting of your own issues and concerns rather than an a reply to my actual post.

It's reply directly to your first post.
But venting? Why I need to venting. Especially to someone I don't know?
Is it too fast to judging me?
I was just giving advice and express what I get from your first post, maybe too literally though.
Again, I NEVER said that you're wrong or something.
If you feel that you have no ability to take care of him, or purely just wish for a caring person, then he maybe not your Mr. Right.
Nobody will judge you're an uncaring person.
Please stop being passive aggressive.
Before you quote my post, I really didn't angry and just finding some solution for his hygienic problem.
But now, sorry, you really switch on the wrong button.
Just saying.

 

[Ste11aeres]

No human being is perfect

Of course nobody in this world is perfect, but as I understand it from your speech.
I take it that you mean we're broken while you NT is perfect.

Please stop being passive aggressive.

Lena_C You interpreted her prior post as saying the exact opposite of what she had actually and explicitly said. Also, you misused the word "passive-aggressive". And if this descends into personal insults, I will use my authority as a Moderator.

 

[Lena_C]

Lena_C You interpreted her prior post as saying the exact opposite of what she had actually and explicitly said. Also, you misused the word "passive-aggressive". And if this descends into personal insults, I will use my authority as a Moderator.

It's normal that replying to the first post is it?
And I didn't say she is uncaring or something else.
Regarding the word "passive-aggressive", well actually that's my feeling.
I can't understand why somebody will interpret my post as thinking they're uncaring or something negative, while nobody said that to them.
If I didn't missed the other's post, few of us say that's OK for her to have that feelings about the problems.
I have no interest to insult any people though.

 

[GoddessAmber]

It's interesting that you mentioned this. My bf has described himself as a "nice guy" on several occasions and he holds bitterness about the way women have dismissed him in the past. He's said that most women he has dated suddenly drop him and abruptly end the relationship or even completely disappear on him without explanation. He attributes this to being a "nice guy".

We had our brief talk about Aspergers and he says he doesn't feel he has Aspergers or any other issue. He feels his refusal to shower or brush his teeth and all the other stuff is completely normal and nothing to worry about. He added that "this is the problem with women. Mostly your expectations and standards are too high."

He's back to the lengthy one-sided text exchanges.

After today's conversation with him today it's not looking very hopeful that he and I could work through this.

I think that's the normal way to feel. A relationship in which one person does all the nurturing/teaching, and especially one in which they have to teach basic self-care skills...that's a mother child relationship.
Romantic relationships have more mutual give and take.

He might be a very good guy, but that's not all that's required for a mature romantic relationship. (Some people unfortunately think that it is, at least when it comes to themselves-that's where "nice guy" syndrome comes in, where someone complains that the fact that they aren't a jerk should be all that's required for them to enter into a relationship. Yes, not-being-a-jerk is vital, but it's only part of what's needed).
The parentheses was a tangent that (as far as I know) has no direct bearing on your situation.

 

[Suiseiseki]

He sounds awful regardless of if he has AS or not, oh my god.
Does he have a fedora? A reddit? You gave someone a chance who should probably have never had one.

 

[Mia]

It's interesting that you mentioned this. My bf has described himself as a "nice guy" on several occasions and he holds bitterness about the way women have dismissed him in the past. He's said that most women he has dated suddenly drop him and abruptly end the relationship or even completely disappear on him without explanation. He attributes this to being a "nice guy".

We had our brief talk about Aspergers and he says he doesn't feel he has Aspergers or any other issue. He feels his refusal to shower or brush his teeth and all the other stuff is completely normal and nothing to worry about. He added that "this is the problem with women. Mostly your expectations and standards are too high."

He's back to the lengthy one-sided text exchanges.

After today's conversation with him today it's not looking very hopeful that he and I could work through this.

Whether you continue with the relationship or not is your choice. You might wish to consider what attracted you to this man in the first place. What qualities he has that appeal to you, because no one is their job or their salary or their home or car or their clothes, all of that is a cover that masks self-realization. Appearances are deceiving and superficiality is rampant in everyday society.

The self care issues such as not showering or brushing his teeth are indicative of childhood neglect; Emotional, psychological, or physical abuse or a combination of one or two with resulting low grade depression. They are not conditions that have anything to do with the developmental disability that is Asperger's or autism.

It seems as if your boyfriend is a nice guy, yet you are judging him for things you perceive of as failings that are in fact self care issues, these are not failings, they are related to self-esteem; how he perceives himself. Your compassion and understanding in this situation is what's important. Less judgement on your part is whats required here.

Somehow, people decide or are raised to think that they are 'better' that others for myriad reasons. Better looking, skilled, educated, intelligent, they tend toward believing themselves somehow entitled for little good reason. It is a way to feel good about themselves, all the while judging others for superficial characteristics that say little about the real person they perceive of as inferior in some way.

It's very often a trap, related to our own self-esteem levels, a way to make ourselves feel superior to others and in doing so, self-esteem is elevated for a short time. Although the sneakiness of trap is, that in order to elevate yourself to feel better you have to encounter more people who you can feel superior to. It's often a poultice to our own insecurities, to feel in control for a little while silences the inner criticism of self.