Could my new boyfriend also be an Aspie?

[Momo]

I don't think it sounds like he's on the spectrum to me, perhaps he truly is just a "closet nerd" I know there are quite a few NTs who are like that.

 

[S-Head]

I met my boyfriend online (granted, we live within 10 minutes away from each other) and we are a very good match. At first I didn't think I had a chance with him but that turned out not to be true, obviously. In some ways we are very similar but in more ways we are very different people. Opposites attract, I guess.
I am actually not sure if he is on the spectrum or if he is just a "weird" (using the term affectionately) NT. He is an extrovert, very dramatic, very charming, very handsome, good manners, good sense of humour, good fashion sense, talented singer and dancer, multilingual, and sort of likes and gets along with everyone indiscriminately. However he has what seem to be special interests and he is an intellectual. One of his two best friends (he grew up with them) is an Aspie and the other is moderately physically disabled (the friends have been very open and accepting of me). He refers to himself as a "closet nerd," meaning that he is nerdy but doesn't want it to be obvious.
His interests- which seem to me to be special interests- are classical music/film and video game score (and non-English pop music, which is actually the topic we bonded over), performing arts, fashion, travelling, video editing, and engineering. When he talks it is typically centred around one or more of said topics.
Most of the Aspies and Auties I have known are introverts, but my boyfriend is very friendly and outgoing and enjoys being the centre of attention. Sometimes he embarrasses me tbh because he will say hi to random people. His two friends are very introverted and seem uncomfortable in public.
Although he has historically not had a lot of friends, he doesn't seem to have a lot of trouble with social skills imo and will actually correct me and his two friends when we say something that is too blunt or rude (the Aspie friend is a repeat offender of this and my boyfriend is always telling him to watch himself). He tries to make sure that everything he says is polite and he is accepting of all types of people. He likes to give the impression that he is of high class and quite civilised, although he is not snobbish or condescending.
So, to really get to the point here, I am wondering if it may be possible that my boyfriend also has Asperger's? I honestly can't tell either way, in some ways he seems borderline Aspie and in other ways he seems NT. This doesn't particularly matter or affect our relationship in any way no matter the outcome, I am more just generally curious.
I would also like to point out that this is my first romantic relationship and his friends are my first real IRL friend group, and I am completely new to this. Any input is much appreciated.

That's awesome, I'm happy you met someone you're so happy with.

But really, who cares if he's an Aspie or anything else? I mean, it may make it easier to learn how to relate to him if you find out things and can spot things like this. However, the most important thing is, let him be himself, don't try to change him. I don't think you are trying to change him, it's just a point.

It sounds like a great group of friends and that makes things quite a bit easier.

In the end, relate to him and you will both win. I think you can do this without over analyzing things, as others have mentioned.

It's your first romantic relationship so you will make some mistakes. Expect them. Try not to beat yourself up when a mistake happens. Own up to your mistakes, and accept his.

Everything I said above goes BOTH ways. And reading what you've written in this regard it sounds like you 2 are doing all right. Keep up the good work!

 

[Thursday]

Hi Jet, congrats!

So, to really get to the point here, I am wondering if it may be possible that my boyfriend also has Asperger's? I honestly can't tell either way, in some ways he seems borderline Aspie and in other ways he seems NT. This doesn't particularly matter or affect our relationship in any way no matter the outcome, I am more just generally curious.
I would also like to point out that this is my first romantic relationship and his friends are my first real IRL friend group, and I am completely new to this. Any input is much appreciated.

I'm not sure we can tell this early in the relationship as we, like NTs, tend to put in extra effort to be our very best in the beginning. The fact that he has gotten along with his aspie friend may point towards yes as naturally getting along with us does take quite an understanding of our behavior...and that's very puzzling to NTs.

About being social, well I also was very "social" back then. I had several groups I hung out with and was pretty much out of the house every weekend. I wasn't mindful of my preferences and I found it much harder to say no when I was younger.

Also, it's not as though it was completely awful...I liked listening to them when they had problems as it gave me a chance to analyze their situation, which made them want to invite me out to talk some more. If he's on the spectrum, perhaps your guy gets something worthwhile out of the social aspect too?

Or, maybe he has an INFJ personality in the Myers-Briggs personality indicator. I'm an INFJ and I found I'm able to appear as an extrovert, while actually being an introvert. That's a possibility.

I agree with the points here though. Regardless if he is or he isn't, try not to overthink things as relationships have a very emotional nature and sometimes, logic doesn't apply. The great thing is, he already knows how to speak aspie. That's truly wonderful. <3

 

[Ambi]

I met my boyfriend online (granted, we live within 10 minutes away from each other) and we are a very good match. At first I didn't think I had a chance with him but that turned out not to be true, obviously. In some ways we are very similar but in more ways we are very different people. Opposites attract, I guess.
I am actually not sure if he is on the spectrum or if he is just a "weird" (using the term affectionately) NT. He is an extrovert, very dramatic, very charming, very handsome, good manners, good sense of humour, good fashion sense, talented singer and dancer, multilingual, and sort of likes and gets along with everyone indiscriminately. However he has what seem to be special interests and he is an intellectual. One of his two best friends (he grew up with them) is an Aspie and the other is moderately physically disabled (the friends have been very open and accepting of me). He refers to himself as a "closet nerd," meaning that he is nerdy but doesn't want it to be obvious.
His interests- which seem to me to be special interests- are classical music/film and video game score (and non-English pop music, which is actually the topic we bonded over), performing arts, fashion, travelling, video editing, and engineering. When he talks it is typically centred around one or more of said topics.
Most of the Aspies and Auties I have known are introverts, but my boyfriend is very friendly and outgoing and enjoys being the centre of attention. Sometimes he embarrasses me tbh because he will say hi to random people. His two friends are very introverted and seem uncomfortable in public.
Although he has historically not had a lot of friends, he doesn't seem to have a lot of trouble with social skills imo and will actually correct me and his two friends when we say something that is too blunt or rude (the Aspie friend is a repeat offender of this and my boyfriend is always telling him to watch himself). He tries to make sure that everything he says is polite and he is accepting of all types of people. He likes to give the impression that he is of high class and quite civilised, although he is not snobbish or condescending.
So, to really get to the point here, I am wondering if it may be possible that my boyfriend also has Asperger's? I honestly can't tell either way, in some ways he seems borderline Aspie and in other ways he seems NT. This doesn't particularly matter or affect our relationship in any way no matter the outcome, I am more just generally curious.
I would also like to point out that this is my first romantic relationship and his friends are my first real IRL friend group, and I am completely new to this. Any input is much appreciated.

Yeah - I think he sounds like an interesting and unique NT. If he doesn't have any troubles with social pragmatics or other social skills (like understanding when to jump into a conversation or not, going on too long or not, things like that), then to me I would guess he is an NT with special interests, even if he is a closet nerd. I think he sound exceptionally good socially - like, he gets it and he is in control, even if he doesn't choose to have lots of friends.

 

[Jet Weiss]

Thank you for the kind and thoughtful replies, everyone

I think you are all correct that he is an NT who is just a bit off the beaten path, so to speak.
He is a really lovely person and I am so glad to have found him, it doesn't particularly matter to me what his diagnosis is or isn't, I love him for who he is, regardless of a label.

He does do well communicating and interacting with me and with his Aspie friend, I think that is truly an amazing thing, as many NTs have a hard time understanding us. He is patient and kind and he sees me and his friend as equals and as whole people. His other friend as I mentioned is somewhat physically disabled, and speaks with a stutter, and my boyfriend is exceedingly patient and kind with him as well. He is a truly wonderful person.

 

[Aspiescience]

That's awesome, I'm happy you met someone you're so happy with.

congrats
It's possible

 

[Ambi]

Thank you for the kind and thoughtful replies, everyone

I think you are all correct that he is an NT who is just a bit off the beaten path, so to speak.
He is a really lovely person and I am so glad to have found him, it doesn't particularly matter to me what his diagnosis is or isn't, I love him for who he is, regardless of a label.

He does do well communicating and interacting with me and with his Aspie friend, I think that is truly an amazing thing, as many NTs have a hard time understanding us. He is patient and kind and he sees me and his friend as equals and as whole people. His other friend as I mentioned is somewhat physically disabled, and speaks with a stutter, and my boyfriend is exceedingly patient and kind with him as well. He is a truly wonderful person.

Do you know - I learned a lot from NTs in close relationship like that - social skills that helped make my life easier. Maybe this relationship will benefit you that way, too

 

[Oda a la Tormenta]

Overload.

Take 20 questions, each question asking a person how they feel about something....

Normally you could accelerate the pace at which you ask those questions, you could even cut off the persons speaking by asking the next question.... and you could flood them emotionally, especially a man. For the person can't process their emotions fast enough to respond to the questions at the pace you are asking them.

Now multiply exponentially for an aspie. I want to answer your question, but I can't process it in the moment to a satisfactory response fast enough, some times not at all, sometimes twenty minutes later my response is as fluid and poetic as can be. Why can't I process fast enough - because my brain evaluates a million potential responses before you even finish asking the question. Now I have to choose.

This is exactly what talking to my family is like. Just yesterday I had to say to my mom at church ..."You talk too fast, ask 1,000 things and expect me to answer everything right away. Please slow down or we cannot talk. You are overwhelming me" She doesn't know of my current diagnosis situation. It feels like this when I talk to a lot of people, at work, a lot of social situations. I understand....they just very much overwhelm me.

 

[S-Head]

This is exactly what talking to my family is like. Just yesterday I had to say to my mom at church ..."You talk too fast, ask 1,000 things and expect me to answer everything right away. Please slow down or we cannot talk. You are overwhelming me" She doesn't know of my current diagnosis situation. It feels like this when I talk to a lot of people, at work, a lot of social situations. I understand....they just very much overwhelm me.

Yes I see what you mean. I like the way you dealt with that.

This can happen to me as well, so I know what you mean.

Is there a way, in the situation, that I can just think about it like an NT: I don't _have_ to answer all the questions right now! Let 'em spew! Give 'em an emotional outburst back! It's okay!

 

[Oda a la Tormenta]

Yes I see what you mean. I like the way you dealt with that.

This can happen to me as well, so I know what you mean.

Is there a way, in the situation, that I can just think about it like an NT: I don't _have_ to answer all the questions right now! Let 'em spew! Give 'em an emotional outburst back! It's okay!

I often will just remain silent in that situation. And let them just talk and talk. And just answer whatever I have processed, if that.

Which has either had seemingly (to them I think) very confusing outcomes or upsetting ones for me...sometimes, depending on how I am doing that day, and how comfortable I am with the person who is doing it(i.e. A customer at work whom I know I can escape in a few seconds vs my mother whom I don't always have the best relationship with) I do the best I can to cope and it seemingly comes out ok? Each situation and interaction is different, depending on several variables I would imagine.