Crossroad in a long distance relationship

[Peeta]

I also think that we should have sern each other already, but it is difficult for him to understand it. I guess he doesn't see is as such an important step as I see it. I am going to try to have "the talk" and see how everything goes this time.

Not only is seeing each other important, it's vital for any relationship. I am also in a long term relationship and while I don't see my boyfriend a lot, we make effort to see each other as much as possible. I admit that we have our communication problems that also result in not speaking to each other for a long time, but those periods are specified in weeks and certainly not months. If he doesn't deem it important to see you, or even talk to you, then there are multiple warning sirens going off in my head. Combine that with the other things you've written and it comes across as a very unhealthy relationship.

Also I know the feeling of not wanting to break up and feeling like this is your one chance at happiness. I've had that in the past too. It's a nasty feeling to have, especially cause it will convince you it's right. Trust me when I say this is a temporary feeling. When I broke up with my ex I was in all sorts of states, but in hindsight I'm -so- glad that I did it.

Anyways, take your time and think about your situation. It's your life after all, but please, please, please remember that your happiness doesn't depend on a person. Especially not a person you've never met. If you want to be in a relationship, then it should be one where you feel secure and happy. Not constantly worrying and feeling anxious (trust me).

 

[Gabi]

Thank you very much for you answer, Peeta. There are definitely some things that we have to fix if we are going to stay in this relationship.

Not only is seeing each other important, it's vital for any relationship. I am also in a long term relationship and while I don't see my boyfriend a lot, we make effort to see each other as much as possible. I admit that we have our communication problems that also result in not speaking to each other for a long time, but those periods are specified in weeks and certainly not months. If he doesn't deem it important to see you, or even talk to you, then there are multiple warning sirens going off in my head. Combine that with the other things you've written and it comes across as a very unhealthy relationship.

Also I know the feeling of not wanting to break up and feeling like this is your one chance at happiness. I've had that in the past too. It's a nasty feeling to have, especially cause it will convince you it's right. Trust me when I say this is a temporary feeling. When I broke up with my ex I was in all sorts of states, but in hindsight I'm -so- glad that I did it.

Anyways, take your time and think about your situation. It's your life after all, but please, please, please remember that your happiness doesn't depend on a person. Especially not a person you've never met. If you want to be in a relationship, then it should be one where you feel secure and happy. Not constantly worrying and feeling anxious (trust me).

 

[rainydays]

Hey Gabi,
I don't want to discourage you but I was in a similar situation. I was upset that he didn't seem to want to meet me, even getting him to talk to me on skype was an issue, and I took it personally.
The bad news is, we broke up. I think it was too stressful and in his own words, "it stopped being good" as a result of that. We fought a lot because I felt underappreciated, ignored, unimportant, unloved, etc. I guess what I'm trying to say is, Gabi, you need to think of your own needs. Do you want to be with someone and go on dates, etc, or can you wait for him?
What I'm trying to say is, dating an aspie means that you have to adjust your expectations. It doesn't mean you have to discard your needs, but you also have to learn to respect their needs too. I know you're trying, and I know it's hard. There must be a way to find a solution, together.

 

[Gabi]

Hi, rainydays! Yeah, I am kind of tired of adjusting and readjusting you know. I need to make a serious change here...

Hey Gabi,
I don't want to discourage you but I was in a similar situation. I was upset that he didn't seem to want to meet me, even getting him to talk to me on skype was an issue, and I took it personally.
The bad news is, we broke up. I think it was too stressful and in his own words, "it stopped being good" as a result of that. We fought a lot because I felt underappreciated, ignored, unimportant, unloved, etc. I guess what I'm trying to say is, Gabi, you need to think of your own needs. Do you want to be with someone and go on dates, etc, or can you wait for him?
What I'm trying to say is, dating an aspie means that you have to adjust your expectations. It doesn't mean you have to discard your needs, but you also have to learn to respect their needs too. I know you're trying, and I know it's hard. There must be a way to find a solution, together.

 

[rainydays]

I was catfished myself in the early stages of my relationship, and I have to say, it really put the relationship in a bad place for the rest of the duration of it, because how do you recover once trust has been violated?

Gabi, can I ask you something, I really don't want to be rude or hurt your feelings, but are you 100% your boyfriend is who he says he is? I say this because I dated someone who lied to me about his identity and that was his reason for avoiding me.

 

[Gabi]

I am 100% sure. I know a lot of his family, I just don't know him yet...

 

[rainydays]

I am 100% sure. I know a lot of his family, I just don't know him yet...

Okay, that's great news! I'm really relieved to hear that.

I think you are very brave and he is very lucky to have you.

 

[Gabi]

Okay, that's great news! I'm really relieved to hear that.

I think you are very brave and he is very lucky to have you.

Thaaaanks rainy
We'll see how things turn out
I am really afraid of anooother break up, but I see it coming though.

You know, a friend told me that he is really predictable and that he is even more predictable when it comes to stuff related to me. However, I am always wrong when it comes to me predicting his actions. Which is weird, because I am usually good at predicting how the rest of the people will react. So I am not sure what he is going to tell me when I have the talk with him...

 

[rainydays]

Thaaaanks rainy
We'll see how things turn out
I am really afraid of anooother break up, but I see it coming though.

You know, a friend told me that he is really predictable and that he is even more predictable when it comes to stuff related to me. However, I am always wrong when it comes to me predicting his actions. Which is weird, because I am usually good at predicting how the rest of the people will react. So I am not sure what he is going to tell me when I have the talk with him...

Talking to you kind of feels like talking to myself because it was the same for me. I think you are possibly so emotionally involved/close that it's difficult for you to objectively observe him, the way you analyze others (at a distance). The best advice I can give you is to try to remain calm (I didn't and I paid for it :c). I know that you want things to work out, and he needs to know that too. You're just having a hard time and you'd like to see a positive development in the relationship.

 

[Gabi]

Talking to you kind of feels like talking to myself because it was the same for me. I think you are possibly so emotionally involved/close that it's difficult for you to objectively observe him, the way you analyze others (at a distance). The best advice I can give you is to try to remain calm (I didn't and I paid for it :c). I know that you want things to work out, and he needs to know that too. You're just having a hard time and you'd like to see a positive development in the relationship.

That is exactly it. I am kind of blind you know... "blinded by love" lol

He is too... My little aspie just loses control when it is somethinf related to our relationship. Ahhh codependent relationships... So easy to get in them and so freaking hard to get out of them

 

[rainydays]

That is exactly it. I am kind of blind you know... "blinded by love" lol

He is too... My little aspie just loses control when it is somethinf related to our relationship. Ahhh codependent relationships... So easy to get in them and so freaking hard to get out of them

Yeah co-dependent relationships are a pain in the *** but we love who we love.

 

[Gabi]

Yeah co-dependent relationships are a pain in the *** but we love who we love.

The heart wants what it wants...

 

[Maelstrom]

The heart wants what it wants...

Mael: Hi Gabi, Hi Rainyday, I hope you will forgive me if I tread where angels fear to go... I have and I see in others others a certain yearning for love on a higher plain. A beautiful coming togetherness where both parties lift eachother up in the maelstrom of love with a mutual soft rain of acts of love, thoughtfulness, consideration, and sometimes self sacrifice.

Ironic note: This fits the virtues sought by true Christians perfectly.

But in real life, just like in the maelstrom of a tornado, the winds blow both up, and down too. In our insecurities we often are tempted to test loyalties and love too much, and count the lack of loving things or self sacrifice they have done for us too much. And while we all need to take care not to marry a bad person, it does seem to me in my experience, that it is very hard to stay focused on making another person happy, while spending most of our time thinking up bizarre ways to be sure the one we love isn't secretly Jack the Ripper, or endlessly counting all the opportunities they missed to express love or thoughtfulness.

This trap is extra bad for us autistic people as we overload so easy and miss clues for needs of others all the time. With my ex-girlfriend, who I truly loved, there were times I felt like I was dating 2 people and starring in a horror movie. While I was struggling to see if we could find a good way to work through things, (learn to communicate and deal with both of our family issues), I kept getting blindsided with strange request resembling weird soap-operas, (tests I assume), confusing and stressing me out to the point I had flashbacks for many months. I'm sure I missed many opportunities to sweep her off her feet and make her feel secure and safe, for which I feel terrible, but I was spending most of my time beating off family on both sides with huge lists of conflicting demands I doubt even the Messiah could have met.
I'm sure with what I've learned now I could have done much better, as with autism, (familiarity), reduces stress and overload. And we have the intellect to be quite attentive if properly applied, but love seems to be like a glass bell, once belief in eachother is shattered it rarely is able to sing again. So I guess all one can do is keep learning on how to handle these differences between the sexes and people, dust off the holy book enough so we aren't too selfish , and pray another nice person shows up before the clock runs down or the Messiah calls the game.