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Dating as Aspie.

Shn887

Shn887

Active Member
Hello,
I’m NT and I’m in a Long Distance Relationship (LDR) with an aspie and I would like to understand her better.

From the beginning I was aware I had very little insight to how she thinks, and because it’s a LDR communication becomes essential to building the relationship.
I often find myself justifing her sporadic messages with her aspergers, but I don’t know if it truly is or if it’s just a sign of little interest.

She has expressed that she values this relationship, and when I visited her she seemed to enjoy herself with me, but recently her communications have become fewer and fewer and I’ve started to wonder if she just told me what she thought I wanted to hear of if she truly values this relationship. In a NT relationship I’d have long ago interpreted the absence as desire to let things fizzle out and die, but with her I don’t want to jump to conclusions and potentially ruin a very good thing.

Thanks in advance for the insight that I will be able to get from you.
 
Hmm. Well from my experience (anecdotal reasoning, yes.) when a girl stops messaging you in a pernicious manner it generally means they've lost interest, especially in LDR. She could've met someone possibly, I would discuss the matter with her and get an understanding of why it happened. There's always a reasoning behind the ceasing of momentum of a relation (reference conservation of momentum), so the key here is to understand the force behind this. Whether it be internal or external causation. For me personally, I just avoid relationships of all manners. I don't keep in contact with anyone, I'd rather focus on what I'm interested in at the time than a responsibility to interact with individuals.
 
I really wouldn't jump to conclusions and move on. xD One thing I have learned from being on this site is that everyone likes to make assumptions. Assumptions are pretty damn dangerous. Especially since we don't know what your girlfriend is thinking.

Aspies are just like ordinary people. So, you need to work on the relationship together to make things work.

I put together a long list of videos that I personally found helpful over here:

Do you recommend any videos [For advice]?

Welcome to the site! :)
 
Just be literal with her. It's fine to ask a straight-up question if you want answers. Tell her you really enjoy hearing from her, but you've noticed she's making less contact lately. You can try to make it 'polite' by expressing concern and asking if everything's okay with her. If she says 'just busy' or something to that effect, you can just say straightforwardly that, if you're going to pursue a relationship with somebody, you need a degree of commitment where regardless of whether someone is busy, they're going to make a consistent effort to include your relationship in their daily life--and give her an opt-out. Tell her you'll understand if she's not interested in pursuing a relationship with you (and you have to mean it and not be rude about it if her answer is disheartening), but you just wanted to make sure the lines of communication are open so that you can either move forward as a couple, or move forward as friends.

Guessing games are never a good idea whether NT or Aspie - I say go for the literal question and the literal response, or risk hurt feelings and misunderstandings on both sides.
 
PS - my above message comes with the qualifier that you evaluate your own communication tactics. I know that, especially early-on in dating, if a guy is sort of 'smothering' me with constant contact, I will push back HARD in an effort to enforce my independence (even if I'm still interested, or open to pursuing a relationship). I'm just not the kind of person who wants to hear from somebody non-stop every day until WELL into a relationship (and even then I need days alone now and then); especially when I'm busy at work or pursuing my interests and hobbies. So, if you think you may have been a bit too 'clingy' it's also worthwhile asking her if your'e making too much contact for her liking. It may be that you are either (a) coming on too strong and she needs a bit more space to feel comfortable in a relationship with you, or (b) she doesn't yet know what she wants and needs things to go more slowly while you're working it out. I suppose the alternative (c) is that she is not interested and is trying to subtly give you the signs, but again, literal communication will sort that out quickly. You have to be wiling to act on her answer though and respect her wishes regardless; or at least come to a mutually agreeable compromise.
 
As a girl with Aspergers, I have done the communication rifts with people I like. I don't know her reasons for messaging less frequently, obviously. And there are few reasons I can think of and you need to talk to your girlfriend about how to solve this. TALK to her and give her time without pressure to think about the reasons why the communication is not as it used to be.

Reasons:
1) The most obvious - she may have lost interest, but doesn't know how to say it without hurting your feelings. Some girls are so sensitive, in that they don't know how to end something without hurting everyone involved. People-pleasers are like this, who do everything and sacrifice even their own happiness just to do something good for someone else.

2) Something triggered it.
--Maybe something that is happening in her life and she doesn't feel it's relevant to mention as it's a personal thing. I know that if something only concerns me, I feel it's irrelevant for someone else to know because I think that it'll bore them or it's something I don't want to discuss, for example: I had a health problem that only I could solve, but it took up quite some time to fix, I didn't tell anyone until I had no choice, I was anxious about the problem and shut off a lot of communications. Apparently it was wrong, as people get worried and want to be involved with a problem, but I don't always see it that way.
-- Triggers - maybe something you or she said/did is making her anxious and she doesn't quite know how to deal with it in the right way, so she's avoiding it and it's just spiralling out of control.
​
3) This is the thing that happens MOST frequently for me: I LIKE the person, but I run out of things I can say because I start overthinking them. As time goes on, I feel more and more pressure to be interesting and entertaining to the point that I just DON'T say anything because anything I can think of to say doesn't live up to what 'I want to be like'. I WANT to talk to the other person, but I feel like a failure in my inability to perform like an NT, so I give up and fade out, resorting to generic things like 'Hi, how are you, hope you're ok'.

4) As a final point - I expect the long distance nature of the relationship after the initial meeting also doesn't help. I find that non-face-to-face communication is fantastic to build up that initial connection, but after the first meeting, I find that I need to keep seeing the person or they'll fade out in my memory. They've become real and text isn't quite enough anymore.

Hope this was helpful in some way. x
 
Monachopia said:
-- Triggers - maybe something you or she said/did is making her anxious and she doesn't quite know how to deal with it in the right way, so she's avoiding it and it's just spiralling out of control.
Click to expand...
Is avoidance a usual coping mechanism? I’ve noticed she avoids answering even direct questions sometimes and I assume it’s because the topic makes her uncomfortable, but I’m just not sure. I’ve asked her directly about it, but alas she sidestepped and never gave me an answer, I took the absence of an answer as an answer itself.
​
Monachopia said:
3) This is the thing that happens MOST frequently for me: I LIKE the person, but I run out of things I can say because I start overthinking them. As time goes on, I feel more and more pressure to be interesting and entertaining to the point that I just DON'T say anything because anything I can think of to say doesn't live up to what 'I want to be like'. I WANT to talk to the other person, but I feel like a failure in my inability to perform like an NT, so I give up and fade out, resorting to generic things like 'Hi, how are you, hope you're ok'.
Click to expand...
It seemed to me like she is exactly the opposite, her nerves cause her to fill any possible silence with words and we often end up chatting about weird things she noticed lately. I understand the tendency to do that, but I’d like to be able to build up a relationship with her where she doesn’t feel the need to fill every space with words.

[/QUOTE]
Monachopia said:
I expect the long distance nature of the relationship after the initial meeting also doesn't help. I find that non-face-to-face communication is fantastic to build up that initial connection, but after the first meeting, I find that I need to keep seeing the person or they'll fade out in my memory. They've become real and text isn't quite enough anymore.
Click to expand...
I know what you mean, I would go visit her whenever I can, but she’s very busy at the moment and she said it would not be the right time. I take it at face value and wait for her to be less busy, but it certainly is not an easy waiting.
 
George Newman said:
Jump to conclusions and move on. Hope this helps. Good luck.
Click to expand...

I didn’t mean for my initial post to be funny. Read the post again. This guy is trying to manage a long distance relationship with someone who is autistic and wants advise on how to work around who she is. Check the duplicate post. The way he feels right now will be how he feels the entirety of the relationship unless he puts in an enormous amount of work into it and simply put away his NT perspective. I’m all for giving love a chance but if he is asking for insight then mine would be to go find a great NT gal in his area that he can spend time with face to face. We so desperately want these pairings to work. We just hope they will. We encourage them. I want it to work. You have no idea how desperately I want these pairings to work. I won’t encourage it. I care too much for him and for her. I care too much for me and my honesty. I’m sure I will get blasted for this post but you have to give me props for being perfectly honest.
 
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Shn887 said:
Is avoidance a usual coping mechanism? I’ve noticed she avoids answering even direct questions sometimes and I assume it’s because the topic makes her uncomfortable, but I’m just not sure. I’ve asked her directly about it, but alas she sidestepped and never gave me an answer, I took the absence of an answer as an answer itself.
Click to expand...
Not necessarily... But maybe she has problems expressing how she feels or what she's thinking in a logical way using words. I usually see things as pictures so explaining what I see is chaotic even for me to think about. Sounds like she has an avoidant type of personality, like myself, which isn't down to trying to hide anything. It's just that there's usually a mental block in the ability to deal with an uncomfortable or sudden question/situation. Given time to think about it, I can usually come up with an answer - might be a week later though.

Shn887 said:
It seemed to me like she is exactly the opposite, her nerves cause her to fill any possible silence with words and we often end up chatting about weird things she noticed lately. I understand the tendency to do that, but I’d like to be able to build up a relationship with her where she doesn’t feel the need to fill every space with words.
Click to expand...
If you started talking to me - you'd probably think I'm exactly the opposite of point 3 at first too. I have many things to say to someone new. But as time goes on and I have to maintain that friendship, that's when trouble starts. I feel I've run out of things to say, in some sense. I have a set of things I can share and we can discuss, but when it's depleted, I struggle, because: a) I've found out your views and have learned how you think/act to some degree. and b) I don't want to seem boring if I keep talking about something I've talked about in the past.
While I feel comfortable doing something without talking with someone I know and trust, it's only face to face. In a situation where it's just text, there's pressure to react and keep acting in a certain way.

I don't really know if I'm explaining things all that well! At the end of the day, every Aspie is just like an NT - we're all varied, we can all lie and cheat, we can be horrible, but can also be incredibly honest and loyal and caring. We just sometimes lack the ability to tolerate certain situations (unexpected or big social gatherings), can become overwhelmed by sounds, smells or visual stimulation, and have a more rigid way of assessing the world so we might keep habitual routines that have to be done every day. Within those boundaries we vary a lot too, some traits are more pronounced than others in people.

The best advice I can give you is, treat her like a person, not as an Aspie. I didn't even know I was on the spectrum when I met my boyfriend (NT), all he knew was that I was shy and had problems talking to people. He was patient and gave me time, supporting me when I could and gently encouraging me to step out of my comfort zone when I felt I could not - without making me feel guilty if I couldn't do it. Sometimes it's better not to know these labels or we start wrapping people up in cotton wool, so to speak.
 
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How long has it been, and how deep has/had it gotten?

For instance, if you're just starting off, then less contact is either an understanding of what is going on and people really are busy (which apparently it isn't since you don't know for sure) or it could be that she is afraid of making a mistake or lost interest. Since you know she is aspie, one advantage for you is that you probably know that you can be direct, but kind with her. Many aspies tend to like straight-forward directness. Keep your door open for communication, but consider looking around again if you're ready and want to.
 
George Newman said:
I didn’t mean for my initial post to be funny. Read the post again. This guy is trying to manage a long distance relationship with someone who is autistic and wants advise on how to work around who she is. Check the duplicate post. The way he feels right now will be how he feels the entirety of the relationship unless he puts in an enormous amount of work into it and simply put away his NT perspective. I’m all for giving love a chance but if he is asking for insight then mine would be to go find a great NT gal in his area that he can spend time with face to face. We so desperately want these pairings to work. We just hope they will. We encourage them. I want it to work. You have no idea how desperately I want these pairings to work. I won’t encourage it. I care too much for him and for her. I care too much for me and my honesty. I’m sure I will get blasted for this post but you have to give me props for being perfectly honest.
Click to expand...

I indeed appreciate the honesty, and it might be naive, but I want to give this relationship a chance to work. I started out not knowing anything at all about autism except what is shown in mainstream television which means I knew the usual trite stereotypes linked to autism. I am aware I know very little about autism, but one thing I did gather is that each person is different and reacts to stimuli in a different way, but by talking with people who are also on the spectrum I hope I can learn how to interact the right way.
When I wrote the post in the introductory thread I did not mean that I wanted to ignore the problems that will arise, but work towards not making them an issue or a source of discomfort.
 
paloftoon said:
How long has it been, and how deep has/had it gotten?

For instance, if you're just starting off, then less contact is either an understanding of what is going on and people really are busy (which apparently it isn't since you don't know for sure) or it could be that she is afraid of making a mistake or lost interest. Since you know she is aspie, one advantage for you is that you probably know that you can be direct, but kind with her. Many aspies tend to like straight-forward directness. Keep your door open for communication, but consider looking around again if you're ready and want to.
Click to expand...

I guess it depends on what your perception of 'just starting off is'? We've been interacting for almost a year now, but we decided to be a couple for just over half a year ago. I know she is truly very busy, and when we talked about the spoon theory she told me it was more like a jar that is intact for others, but hers happens to have a hole in the bottom, so her energy levels drop even when she's not actively doing anything (is that a peculiarity to her or is that something many aspies feel?). I assume that although taking the time to message someone takes no energy for me, it might take energy she can't spare for her.
 
I have always been miserably bad at responding to messages and initiating contact. I get swallowed up in myself and my surroundings and find it next to impossible pull myself out to engage in something so removed. It sounds selfish I know. But at the same time, when I am with someone i will go above and beyond duty to take care of them and make them feel loved.
My current relationship started long distance (he is NT). We would converse through long emails, secretly falling in love. He would however, often have to wait for a month or more for a reply. I found are conversation wonderful but was overwhelmed on my side with unrelated matters.
We have been living together for two years now, we are engaged. We couldn’t be happier and more in love.
 
LobsterCactus said:
I have always been miserably bad at responding to messages and initiating contact. I get swallowed up in myself and my surroundings and find it next to impossible pull myself out to engage in something so removed. It sounds selfish I know. But at the same time, when I am with someone i will go above and beyond duty to take care of them and make them feel loved.
My current relationship started long distance (he is NT). We would converse through long emails, secretly falling in love. He would however, often have to wait for a month or more for a reply. I found are conversation wonderful but was overwhelmed on my side with unrelated matters.
We have been living together for two years now, we are engaged. We couldn’t be happier and more in love.
Click to expand...

as an aspie,i can relate to that,because of how i'm looked at by certain girls & women my age that i even try attempting to initiate contact with,avoiding them upon eye-contact,especially like a ninja because of how they'll respond,keeping me from being interactive with girls & women like that,because of how they look at every aspie like me,if not,every other one of them.
 
Jane Smith said:
I really wouldn't jump to conclusions and move on. xD One thing I have learned from being on this site is that everyone likes to make assumptions. Assumptions are pretty damn dangerous. Especially since we don't know what your girlfriend is thinking.

Aspies are just like ordinary people. So, you need to work on the relationship together to make things work.

I put together a long list of videos that I personally found helpful over here:

Do you recommend any videos [For advice]?

Welcome to the site! :)
Click to expand...
Isadoorian said:
You may find these older posts whose OP in a similar situation (NT dating an Aspie) may have some good answers/insight

Greetings (NT male seeking dating advice)

NT possibly dating man with AS? Help appreciated!

https://www.autismforums.com/thread...h-an-as-guy-i-used-to-date.25277/#post-504911

26 NT and 36 AS- mixed messages.

NT dating AS- searching for answers!
Click to expand...

I looked into these and they are super informative, thanks!
 
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