Dating middle age AS man- communication and how to maintain relationship

[Mary 1]

Hello
Sorry I had to delete original text but those of you who replied know what it is about.
Thank you for understanding. I will keep you posted.

 

[Mary 1]

Hello

 

[Judge]

Then I realised he found it difficult to talk on a phone, he was saying he is very tired and that the cold is very bad. Then I read a lot about AS and told him that I want to know more about it. He was ok with my interest to read. Then on 24 February I sent him text message on his mobile saying that I will not call him any longer ( as he didn' picked up my last call) or text message him on mobile (as he doesn' like typing on his old fashioned mobile) but will send emails instead. It looked this worked until yesterday. I sent him one email in the morning (as usual) and one in late aft (as usual). He always replied to my emails but not yesterday. Finally I sent my last email last night later saying only good night and that I love him. Today....no reply again. This is second day that he is not communicating with me at all. I am devastated. I worry about him as he said in his last email to me that he he thought he was getting better but his cold came back again. He went out to post his parcels and buy some food and think that cold came back because of that. He said under speech marks "the worst cold in years"....finally I figured out that he has bad meltdown or crisis. So now I decided to be quiet and wait.

For what it's worth, so far it sounds like you are handling this all fairly well.

One thing though. For many of us, when something is really stressing us (no matter what it may be) I think we're apt to either cut back on socialization or eliminate it entirely on a temporary basis. That while it can be something positive for us, it still takes a lot of energy for us to routinely deal with. So if something comes along like illness, or negotiating a divorce, etc., it can easily subtract from our social lives in a way which I suspect most Neurotypicals will not understand. Where much as you are doing, it's like a storm of sorts that you need to wait for to blow over. Where he can once again be social in a way you may have become accustomed to.

 

[Judge]

I don't often get terribly ill, so if something like that were to suddenly strike me I can only say that I would likely react in a similar fashion. Completely withdrawing until I can be myself again. Moderate socialization can be a positive thing but it still takes a lot of emotional energy to accomplish. So much of any serious illness is bound to upset the equation.

And of course other types of unforeseen traumas could well cause the same reaction in my case.

 

[OkRad]

When you said you messed up his world by loving him....wow, I get that. Sad as that is, if he does not respond, you must back off. You have to forget those lovely dates.....please know you cannot force that on him again if he does not want it.

 

[OkRad]

PS- I would add that if you offer to be there forever, you will be cutting YOURSELF off from someone who would love you realistically. Often we try too hard and cannot sustain it. You cannot place all your hopes in a man who will one day click and be the same all the time.

 

[Jane Smith]

I don't think

When you said you messed up his world by loving him....wow, I get that. Sad as that is, if he does not respond, you must back off. You have to forget those lovely dates.....please know you cannot force that on him again if he does not want it.

I feel like we're going from 1 to 300 on this thread real fast. We really don't know WHY this man has stopped responding to her or anything like that. It could be anything! He could be overwhelmed, sick, have low energy, can't be reached, etc.

So, I think telling her things like "forget those lovely dates" is VERY very extreme. Especially since we don't know whether or not a break up is going to happen. So, until we know what's up, being calm and patient is the key to everyone's happiness.

 

[Jane Smith]

Thank you both OKRad and Jane
OKRad, I am sorry but I can not forget those lovely dates. They are too precious for me. They are special. Jane, my man is overwhelmed (I think), ill with cold (he told me that), have low energy (he told me that) but can be reached by phone, text message or email. The point is how long it will take for him to come back to me, will he contact me first or should I contact him first and when. I know he loves me. He is very honest man and I am honest towards him. That' why he said to me that finally he found the perfect woman for himself. I bought him these lovely things that are waiting in my room to be given to him. He bought a video, movie for us to watch it together. He said he will build bicycle for me, as he is very good doing these things, he sent my photos to his family, friends, he asked his best friend and his wife if we could go all together to the event this summer. He wants to take me to the fair on 11 March. These are all things that are unfinished, considerable and substantial. I can not believe that he does not love me any longer. I think he definitely needs space. I am sorry but I can not back off. I can wait wait and wait. I can adjust our days out to make it easier for him. That is what I can do. AND OF COURSE I CAN CERTAINLY CONTINUE LOVING HIM.

I agree with you. Don't back off! I think you're being pretty realistic about the relationship and he seems to love you a lot.

 

[Mary 1]

When you said you messed up his world by loving him....wow, I get that. Sad as that is, if he does not respond, you must back off. You have to forget those lovely dates.....please know you cannot force that on him again if he does not want it.

 

[OkRad]

Ok, that is fair. I do agree. But the funny thing about Aspies is often they never specifically say, "I AM NOT INTERESTED." I don't know why. Often we don't know. I am guilty of this, too. At times I have run odd from dates in the middle of the date and the person was all confused and I feel bad about that. Other times I sucked it up and let people take me into stupid and dangerous places.

All I am saying is if it goes on or if he thrown you a bone every three months, you need to realize that is going NO WHERE. He may not say it, but that is how it is. And in those three months, he has not been pining away for you and thinking of you.

 

[Jane Smith]

Hey, Mary

So Jim (My aspie) finally responded to me. Just took him a few days. So, there is hope! Just gotta stay in there!

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

'Still'

 

[Streetwise]

it's still panicky, I would only use the word still if I was really really stressed ,not if I was writing a very intimate note.
if you can hear his voice or you are very close to him physically and he is distressed he might !!!!respond to the word still !!!but probably 90% of the time he wants you to be calm .
like for instance something happened and you said I saw A beautiful bird for example ! personally for me conversations about humans or involving humans is not fulfilling for me !!!!I think only !!!!if I talk about the relationship I had with my mother as a daughter .

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Hi Fridgmagnetman

You know every time I wrote that word I thought of you. Sorry, I will take it out.
Thank you so much.
Mary

For me, go for brevity.

What's next in the timeline?

Is it the fair?

Ask him about that only.

One question,one I love you. Not overwhelming.

Too many questions can be bad for me.

The rest of your email,very heartfelt... can be kept for part 2.
If the first thing goes well, the rest will follow.

One thing at a time,is my take on it.
Too much,overwhelming, maybe.

So ,best of luck,find your own balance.

Less is more -maybe.

 

[Streetwise]

Hi Streetwise

Thank you for your comments. I really appreciate them so much. Yes, I got the message now that word "still" must go. I will delete it. I will add at the end of the letter maybe "No rush my love. Take your time please. I am here for you." What do you think? Just to reassure him that he doesn't have to rush or panic, thinking that he has to reply to me straight away.
Thank you

I would only say take your time if somebody seemed distressed !and if you don't know if he is !don't say it ! just say love you once !being autistic means we retain things very quickly !what I like is seeing somebody being* kind to me! so I feel it ,seeing it written is hard to understand .
*kind and calm at the same time

 

[Streetwise]

Hello Streetwise
Wise words too. I appreciate your comments and will take them all on a board. I will say only once "I love you." No more repeats. I will try to avoid word "kind" too.

I don't know if he is distressed ( he didn' tell me that once) but what I do know is that he had bad cold "worst in years" he said. It all contributed to his present state. I never saw him being down but by talking to him on a phone I could hear and sense that he was not in a good place himself. He was saying he was very tired and was sleeping a lot, really a lot. He was taking medications for cold and not eating much.i told him I worry about him, that I would like to be closer to him (we live in different towns) but he was only saying to me: " I don't want you to get cold from me."
Very difficult I know......and sensitive at the same time. I want to sounds calm and reassuring in my email. I hope this is ok.

it's because he's got a virus a cold is a virus and you don't feel like eating when you've got a virus.

 

[Mary 1]

Hi everyone
I am thinking to send my email tomorrow. However, my mother is very poorly and we are expecting the worse. I am absolutely exhausted visiting her in nursing home and I am torn whether I should mention this in my email. What are your thoughts please?
Thank you for your kind support.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Hi everyone
I am thinking to send my email tomorrow. However, my mother is very poorly and we are expecting the worse. I am absolutely exhausted visiting her in nursing home and I am torn whether I should mention this in my email. What are your thoughts please?
Thank you for your kind support.

Do not. Come on.

 

[Mary 1]

Do not. Come on.

 

[Mary 1]

Thank you Fridgemagnetman. Really? Why not? I thought he should know how I feel at the moment. I know that he was unwell but shouldn't we share our things and feelings?