Dating middle age AS man- communication and how to maintain relationship

[Mary 1]

And Fair is out now for sure as I won't be able to go because of my mother's condition, so won't be mentioning it. I might just say that I hope he enjoys it if he decides to go. That's why I thought that I should mention my mother so that he doesn't think that I forgot about it.

 

[Mary 1]

Hi everyone

Well I sent my email today. No reply yet. Its been 5 hours now since i sent it. Should I be pessmistic? I really don' know what to think.
I know he is checking his emails regularly every day. What are you thoughts please?
Thank you for your support as always.

 

[Mary 1]

Hello everyone
Just to let you know that my AS replied today. Great news!

He apologised that he wasn' t in touch with me last few days. He said he fell into depression...I thought very honest from him.

He didn't forget our Fair on Sunday but also said that he didn't know when we were planning our Sunday outing that it was also Mothers day. So as he was unwell and couldn't see his mother for her recent birthday he said he might go and visit her then and he also expects me to spend time with my children on Sunday. This is all fine with me because I also didn't realise it is mother's day when we planned this Sunday.
Anyhow, he gave me kisses at the end of his email.

He never told me in his email that he loves me but I could see that he wants to reconnect with me.

I am very pleased of course that he replied and will reply back tonight.

I know one thing...I will be very gentle with my email and patiently give him a hint that I would like to see him of course, perhaps the following Sunday (if my mother is better of course). I can't promise for sure exact timing of our date of course as it all depends on mum's condition. He said he was very sorry to hear about my mum.

What everyone thinks?

Thank you for your kind support

Mary

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

will be very gentle with my email and patiently give him a hint that I would like to see him of course, perhaps the following Sunday (if my mother is better of course). I can't promise for sure exact timing of our date of course as it all depends on mum's condition. He said he was very sorry to hear about my mum.

No hints.

(Dont set a trap so that he has to guess what you may or may not be thinking)

Fewer variables the better.

Imo

 

[Mary 1]

Ok...Thank you Fridgemagnetman...appreciate very much....i will be straight and tell him that I would certainly like to see him on another day suitable for both if us and that it would be lovely to see him again.

I hope this is better.....what do you think?

Thank you

Mary

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Ok...Thank you Fridgemagnetman...appreciate very much....i will be straight and tell him that I would certainly like to see him on another day suitable for both if us and that it would be lovely to see him again.

I hope this is better.....what do you think?

Thank you

Mary

Sure. Seems fine, and also seems to be working.

So when are we meeting up?

Kidding!

 

[Mary 1]

Thank you Fridgemagnetman.....LOL....unlikely i will be meeting you ....))))....Yes, I will say all this and hopefully it will workout for us. I will keep you informed.

Thank you again.

Mary

 

[Mary 1]

Hi everyone
I would like to let you know that my AS man replied to my email AGAIN. I suggested in my second email that I would like us to meet and he said YES. So, we are planning to meet next weekend (not this one as we are both busy with Mothers Day). I am very happy indeed as you can imagine.

I would like to ask for your opinions whether I should discuss with him his crisis as we never had that before. I feel a bit uncomfortable to start first conversation about it, as we spoke about AS briefly only once over the phone.
He said to me that he doesn't like talking to health professionals about it. But then I said " but you can talk to me about it." He didn' t elaborate on my comment much as he was in bad state when we spoke that night over the phone.

So, all in all, I don't want to bring topics on our first night after long time seeing each other, that might upset him, as he is fine now.
Thoughts please....You know I respect your suggestions very much.
Thank you very much for your support.
Mary

 

[Mary 1]

Hi everyone

You haven't heard from me for long time. To cut long story short....we broke up...well I think I broke up with him. It was all going well....we set up date to meet on Sunday, 18 March. I booked tickets for us to watch the stars show...booked a table for meal out...payed parking for the whole day..he bought train ticket...AND.....He sent me short very cold text message that Sunday morning saying "I am not coming, sorry....The snow...I am going to sleep more now.. " I was shocked as you can imagine.. I texted back and asked nicely to come and get ready. It was snowing day before but Sunday was ok..no snowing. I called his mobile...it was switched off...he didn't answer home phone..

I just could not believe how heartless he could be that he let me down so badly.

IMO whatever condition you have AS or not...you would not do all that to a woman who loves you and who you love too. His behaviour just stunned me as I sent my text message by chance...just to tell him to let me know when he is on a train. I was getting ready at that time to meet him at the train station. So, if I didn'.t send my text messages he would not text me at all that morning and I would be sitting in my car waiting for him to comes out if the train. That is just heartless IMO and even AS or not you would not do that.

So, I am hurt..badly... was crying all Sunday and tonight too....but I don't think I will be contacting him again EVER...

I am not sure but, in your opinion, would he write to me again after few weeks...days? I don't know if AS do this...if he does I know what I would say..."You are not man for me, sorry"...something like that...I was trying to understand his condition but this behaviour towards me is plain rude........

I am very grateful for a your help and support.. You are great people on this site and very supportive.

Thank you again

One sad Mary xx

 

[AO1501]

I can't speak to your aspie, but when I feel like I have been abandoned, I walk away and call it done. In this situation, if I were him and expected you to make contact and you didn't, I wouldn't try, so that would be it. Thus, for what it is worth, in my view if you do want to try again, you'll have to be the one to reach out.

I also can't speak to his behaviour because that would not be how I would behave in that situation at all. But, there are some perfectly reasonable explanations (in the context of the world of aspies) for his behaviour which you could really not possibly know about. It is possible, for example that he was suffering an aspie episode such as a shutdown or meltdown, possibly resulting from anxiety or stress related to the day's plans, or for some totally unrelated reason, and that as a result he was simply not under any degree of personal control.

It is understandable that you would see this behaviour as heartless or rude, and there is nothing to say that it wasn't both those things and worse, but at the same time, as has been said many times here in similar circumstances, you can't really judge what is happening across the neurological divide that separates you and him. Indeed, it is easy to misjudge actions, motives and reasoning, and draw conclusions which are not an accurate reflection of the reality of situations.

However, as much as it is very possible for there to be a very reasonable explanation for his actions, you would still have to decide for yourself is if this is acceptable to you. Over time, I think it is very possible for this type of relationship to work, and work well, you have to be able to find enough common ground that you can communicate your separate and joint needs and intentions. In a situation such as this, where he seems very reticent to talk, that would be quite hard to achieve.

Ultimately, it takes two to make a relationship, and that means that it isn't just you who needs to turn up, he does too. You can try and reach out to him again and see if he reacts, but in the end you can't make him participate and could find yourself in the same situation again. If you do try and contact him, it would be best to be non-judgemental but very literal and direct about what you want, because he won't be able to guess or interpret what you mean. Also, don't push him into trying to discuss subjects he is hesitant to discuss, because that will just make him defensive and resistant. It takes time for sensitive subjects to be OK and open for discussion in almost any relationship.

 

[Mary 1]

Dear AO

Thank you for your really excellent insight into my situation. Regarding me reaching him, it is hardly it is going to happen as I am sick and tired to wait for him to respond. This wasn' t case before when he could not wait for my call or email. But last four weeks since he was having his crisis or meltdown, it was just dragging him to reply and stressing myself will he or won't he reply. He didn't say he want me to call (as I used to do regularly before this crisis, sometimes twice a day) even when I offered it to him gently. I have been very sensitive to his condition and that is why I registered here to learn more about it. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I won' t be the one to make the first contact...not this time. He should realise how hurt I am and I have told him so in my last text message to him. I think I came to the point where I just don't have any more desire to be with him as this will happen again and again. And I am not prepared to put myself into relationship where only one side is making efforts and the other one is just waiting for actions. I have been through a lot recently and still am with my mother who is very poorly, so I need someone who will support me and cheer me up and make me relaxed not more stressed.
Of course I am thinking about him and I know it must be difficult for him to have crisis but I just don't have strength to drag him out of it. I tried last four weeks and it drained me considerably. As you said the relationship needs two people and looking at everything I have said above it is just me in this relationship. And that is definitely not enough for it to work.
I am not hundred percent sure how would I react if he contacts me but if he really and truly loves me he will try to contact me whatever condition he has.
Again thank you for your very wise words. It is so much appreciated.

Mary

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I am not hundred percent sure how would I react if he contacts me but if he really and truly loves me he will try to contact me whatever condition he has.

I think you should get sure.

You're leaving the door open, it may be time for you to close it.

It's not for you Mary.

Sorry.

 

[Mary 1]

Thank you Fridgemagnetman for your reply.

Yes, I think I agree with you after balancing everything what has happened between us.

This is not a relationship. This is one person trying to work it out.

Many thanks for your wise words, and empathy. It is appreciated very much

Mary

 

[AO1501]

Dear AO

Thank you for your really excellent insight into my situation. Regarding me reaching him, it is hardly it is going to happen as I am sick and tired to wait for him to respond. This wasn' t case before when he could not wait for my call or email. But last four weeks since he was having his crisis or meltdown, it was just dragging him to reply and stressing myself will he or won't he reply. He didn't say he want me to call (as I used to do regularly before this crisis, sometimes twice a day) even when I offered it to him gently. I have been very sensitive to his condition and that is why I registered here to learn more about it. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I won' t be the one to make the first contact...not this time. He should realise how hurt I am and I have told him so in my last text message to him. I think I came to the point where I just don't have any more desire to be with him as this will happen again and again. And I am not prepared to put myself into relationship where only one side is making efforts and the other one is just waiting for actions. I have been through a lot recently and still am with my mother who is very poorly, so I need someone who will support me and cheer me up and make me relaxed not more stressed.
Of course I am thinking about him and I know it must be difficult for him to have crisis but I just don't have strength to drag him out of it. I tried last four weeks and it drained me considerably. As you said the relationship needs two people and looking at everything I have said above it is just me in this relationship. And that is definitely not enough for it to work.
I am not hundred percent sure how would I react if he contacts me but if he really and truly loves me he will try to contact me whatever condition he has.
Again thank you for your very wise words. It is so much appreciated.

Mary

The one thing you can't do is interpret his actions through your way of seeing things, because whatever it is that is happening to him (or that he is doing) it is not for reasons that would be familiar to you, yourself. He likely won't have any idea how hurt you are, or even understand what that really means in practical terms.

However, in the circumstances, however much he may mean, or has meant to you, you could only help if he lets you into what is going on so you can get some understanding. Since he hasn't done that and seems highly resistant to doing so, there doesn't seem a way forward, and while I am always resistant to walking away, I'd agree with Fridgemagnetman, that this isn't likely to work out, and would likely drag you down if you continue to try. I would also agree that for your own sanity, you should decide with certainty how you would deal with any attempt on his part to contact you, and then apply that decision firmly so that you can feel settled with the outcome.

Which ever side of the neurological divide each of us are on, one thing that seems always best in difficult situations is to take as much control as you can, and steer yourself in whichever direction is in your own best interests.

 

[Mary 1]

Thank you AO again for your further comments.

I think i got very clear messages now from both yourself and Fridgemagnetman that this "relationship" is not working and I have decided to put foot down and not to reply to any communication or his attempts to contact me. I am very firm now about my actions. Not a single word to him. I have been through enough and there is simply no point trying something. I agree that he most likely is not aware at all how much he hurt me (although I clearly said to him in my last text message that I am very disappointed and sad because of his decision not to meet me). I wish him every happiness in his future "relationships" if he succeed to have one. I am moving with my life for better and hopefully more successful dating future.

Many thanks

Mary

 

[AO1501]

... I am moving with my life for better and hopefully more successful dating future.

Then I wish you the best of luck!

 

[Mary 1]

Thank you AO...much appreciated.

Mary