Dating someone who has Aspergers. Not sure what to do?

[Emmett]

I've been living with someone that I am convinced has Asbergers.

Are there any books or resources to help a non-Aspergers partner cope with this?

Thanks

 

[Ylva]

Aspergers* is not a disease, so you'll have to be more specific about what his particular issues are before I can comment usefully.

If it's just learning about AS in general, Tony Atwood is said to have written some good books on the topic.

 

[Greg]

Journal of Best Practices by David Finch

 

[Emmett]

Aspergers* is not a disease, so you'll have to be more specific about what his particular issues are before I can comment usefully.

If it's just learning about AS in general, Tony Atwood is said to have written some good books on the topic.

I understand that it's not a disease, and merely another way that a human brain functions.

Let me give you an example.

I was working on a huge project on my house. I spent 8 hours lugging heavy concrete blocks to do the work. By the end of the day, I was exhausted, cold, filthy, hungry and needed a hug. My SO arrives home, completely misses the social cue that it would be nice for her to give me a hug, warm me up, cook me dinner, and help me with cleanup. She instead heads out to spend the evening with her girlfriends. My non-asbergers friend witnesses this (she was here to drop off some paperwork that I needed). She helped me clean up, brought me a hot dinner, and gave me a hug.

And when I politely brought up how I felt completely ignored, and taken for granted, she attacked me, telling me that she had no way of knowing that I needed support.

I love this person, but this kind of behavior is maddening. I could cope with it, but she has no understanding that she has Asbergers, or how her behavior affects other people.

 

[Emmett]

I understand that it's not a disease, and merely another way that a human brain functions.

Let me give you an example.

I was working on a huge project on my house. I spent 8 hours lugging heavy concrete blocks to do the work. By the end of the day, I was exhausted, cold, filthy, hungry and needed a hug. My SO arrives home, completely misses the social cue that it would be nice for her to give me a hug, warm me up, cook me dinner, and help me with cleanup. She instead heads out to spend the evening with her girlfriends. My non-asbergers friend witnesses this (she was here to drop off some paperwork that I needed). She helped me clean up, brought me a hot dinner, and gave me a hug.

And when I politely brought up how I felt completely ignored, and taken for granted, she attacked me, telling me that she had no way of knowing that I needed support.

I love this person, but this kind of behavior is maddening. I could cope with it, but she has no understanding that she has Asbergers, or how her behavior affects other people.

I know that part of this are my issues, but my issues get exacerbated by her issues, and she refuses to see a couples counselor to work any of it out with me. She thinks she has no issues, and it's all my schtick.

 

[Travis]

I know that part of this are my issues, but my issues get exacerbated by her issues, and she refuses to see a couples counselor to work any of it out with me. She thinks she has no issues, and it's all my schtick.

Do Asbergers people realize how their behavior affects others, or do they think that they are fine and the rest of the world is the problem?

The Complete Guide to Aspergers, by Tony Attwood has a section near the back dedicated to relationships between NT's and AS. I think it may give you the insight that you are looking for. She likely has NO IDEA that you needed any of the attention you were seeking. When my wife tells me that I neglected her or hurt her feelings it almost always comes as a complete surprise. What works best for us is when she tells me directly and specifically what it is she needs emotionally. So instead of giving your wife the 'clues' you think you gave her, try telling her you had a rough day and need a hug, or that you're too tired from working and would like her to make you some dinner.

 

[Ylva]

Well, there are books about communication that encourage active listening (paying attention to what is said and rephrasing it to make sure you understand) and I-messages ("when you do x, it makes me feel y"). If she has undiagnosed Aspergers then she may be so used to misunderstandings that she just automatically feels attacked.

Being direct with her might work, since social cues don't. Saying "I could really use a hug right now" might work better than just expecting her to hug you.

On a sidenote, I often feel like people think they are more transparent than they really are.

 

[Emmett]

Well, there are books about communication that encourage active listening (paying attention to what is said and rephrasing it to make sure you understand) and I-messages ("when you do x, it makes me feel y"). If she has undiagnosed Aspergers then she may be so used to misunderstandings that she just automatically feels attacked.

Being direct with her might work, since social cues don't. Saying "I could really use a hug right now" might work better than just expecting her to hug you.

On a sidenote, I often feel like people think they are more transparent than they really are.

 

[JKG]

Thanks for sharing, Emmett. My partner and I have experienced similar issues. She is NT and I'm a newly diagnosed AS. The NT world communicates a great deal through non-verbal cues and subtle verbal hints; as my partner explained it to me, these signals are considered polite among NTs. But as an AS person, I can't read those very well. I prefer more direct blunt statements--which, to my partner, sound heavy-handed. We're still practicing with each other. The important thing to realize is that your partner likely does not intentionally mean to be missing meeting your needs. I'm usually mortified when I discover that I've missed meeting a need of my partner because I've misread a social cue. It's all about adapting your mutual communication and getting on the same wavelength. I'm sorry, by the way, that she has been resisting counseling. My partner and I tried to rely on self-help books for years to help us with our relationship--mostly with minimal results--because we all have difficulty being objective about ourselves, and relationships are complex systems. Aspergers is one factor among many in our relationship. Thus, getting a counselor (who is an expert in both aspergers and relationship counseling) who could stand outside of us and help us see things objectively has been a big help so far. Best wishes!

 

[Judge]

What exactly makes you suspect your partner may have Autism Spectrum Disorder?

One thing for sure. I believe you can't "convince" someone that they are on the spectrum. That they have to be willing (and capable) of coming to such a conclusion on their own in the absence of a professional diagnosis. Like many, I stumbled onto suspecting I might be on the spectrum. And initially maintained a sense of denial until I dug deeper and deeper into the analysis of potential traits and behaviors.

I can't think of anyone offhand here who didn't suspect themselves prior to obtaining a formal diagnosis.

If your partner becomes open to the possibility, it might be beneficial for them to come here, interact with us and see if they sense having anything in common with us. It's an amazing thing to go through life feeling like a complete outsider and not knowing why, and then suddenly meet others with an alike understanding of the world. That we really aren't as profoundly alone as we once thought.

 

[Emmett]

If someone either doesn

What exactly makes you suspect your partner may have Autism Spectrum Disorder?

One thing for sure. I believe you can't "convince" someone that they are on the spectrum. That they have to be willing (and capable) of coming to such a conclusion on their own in the absence of a professional diagnosis. Like many, I stumbled onto suspecting I might be on the spectrum. And initially maintained a sense of denial until I dug deeper and deeper into the analysis of potential traits and behaviors.

I can't think of anyone offhand here who didn't suspect themselves prior to obtaining a formal diagnosis.

If your partner becomes open to the possibility, it might be beneficial for them to come here, interact with us and see if they sense having anything in common with us. It's an amazing thing to go through life feeling like a complete outsider and not knowing why, and then suddenly meet others with an alike understanding of the world. That we really aren't as profoundly alone as we once thought.

She strongly dislikes crowds, noise, and strong smells. Can't read social cues at all. Tells people what they want to hear because she can't figure out what verbal interaction fits in a situation, and if that choice turns out to be wrong, either denies, changes her comments completely, or offers an explanation that doesn't add up. Has trouble making friends, fitting in, and has a hobby that makes up her entire existence.

Does this sound like Asbergers?

And thanks for helping to educate me, and to encourage my understanding. I'm trying to not sound like an idiot here. I love her very much, and am trying to find a way to make this work.

 

[Judge]

She strongly dislikes crowds, noise, and strong smells. Can't read social cues at all. Tells people what they want to hear because she can't figure out what verbal interaction fits in a situation, and if that choice turns out to be wrong, either denies, changes her comments completely, or offers an explanation that doesn't add up. Has trouble making friends, fitting in, and has a hobby that makes up her entire existence.

Does this sound like Asbergers?

Yeah, that's a pretty solid starting point IMO to pursue whether or not she has Autism Spectrum Disorder. Can't fault your own observations about her traits and behaviors . (The DSM-V no longer uses the term Asperger's Syndrome).

But how to "steer" someone to examining their own psyche...that's tricky. Stigmatization and stereotypes can make the process that much more difficult. I stumbled onto it all myself, in simply having seen an episode of National Geographic's "Taboo"...where one subject involved someone with AS at the time with a hobby as mine. I don't think anyone would have ever suggested I was on the spectrum had I not suspected it myself. (Tragically my parents knew there was something different about me, but it was decades before Dr. Asperger's research became "mainstream" in neurology.)

If you could just get her to read so many posts here that she may likely relate to in a non-confrontational and supportive way. It might get the ball rolling. But it's always important to be cognizant that while we may share many things, equally we can be very different individual people and personalities. That being on the spectrum might explain a lot about us, yet it doesn't define us either.

 

[aj]

This annoys me a little lol
asbergers <-- its aspergers
Its a common mistake i just want to prevent it from being said lol

 

[Warmheart]

My compassion for your struggles. Please feel that you are among friends here. You clearly want harmony with your cherished mate.
If she is an aspie she needs a partner who:
1. Is understanding of her condition.
2. Is a clear communicator-- say what you mean, and mean what you say.
3. Does not rely on subtlety, hints, cues, but rather asks directly for what he needs.
4. Is open to changing his expectations of what his partner is able to do.
5. Appreciates her strengths as well as has compassion for her challenges.

You need to be heard and understood, too. Your feelings are valid. She may be reacting with anger, but hopefully you both can practice some mutual compassion and deep listening, to see what the other needs now.

Aspies can be challenging partners. We miss things others notice, and we annoyingly notice things others miss. Communication can be difficult (emails instead of chatting can really make a difference for many of us), intimacy can be affected by sensory issues, executive functioning flub-ups can mean our intentions may not bear the fruit we wish them to. However, aspies are famous for our strong loyalty, trustworthiness, honesty, and lack of ulterior motives. May you both come together and feel cared for, cared about.

 

[Tia Maria]

I once read a terrific true story about a man who suffered emotional problems & disordered thinking. He also had zero self esteem which manifested in awful & dislikable ways. He eventually got a terminal cancer with very little time left to live. Before he ultimately died, one of the epiphanies he had was that he "was not his shoes". This is not a thorough description or explanation, but I always remembered & often think of that phrase -"I am not my shoes."

Separately I will try to find that story & post it some time soon for anyone who may be interested.

 

[Ylva]

Here's an interesting thought. Misspell neurotypical to an NT. What is the chance that they would feel personally affronted, offended or annoyed by that? Probably close to 0%. Why? Because they harbor no insecurity or bitterness about it. (I am not my shoes.) Firstly, they won't care about it and secondly, they would also give the writer the benefit of the doubt & assume no harm was intended. But either way, they still wouldn't care, because ... well, why they should they.

Actually, lots of NTs think "neurotypical" is a slur, in the same way many non-trans people think "cis" is a slur. Both are just descriptive, whereas allistics (not a slur) who feel hostile to autistics for whatever reason, will often deliberately mispronounce/misspell it as "ass burgers".

 

[annominous]

I was not comparing someone who is autistic or aspie to having cancer. If there is any comparison it would be between emotional & mental illness, not cancer; but I was not making that comparison either & that was not my point.

I was also not comparing "something someone once said about their terminal cancer to being autistic". I was referencing, perhaps not well done, a take away from a wonderful true story, beautifully & compassionately told by a very caring Psychiatrist in one of his published works many years ago.

I may have missed the point of the 'wonderful true story' reference in relation to the thread as well as the point, which is OK with me. If you don't mind explaining the point of the shoes or the story in relation to the thread, that would be great. Easy to move on from it, too.

I also agree with Ylva - minority/oppressed groups do not have the social capital to oppress the oppressor; which is why 'cracker' will never be as offensive spoken by a person of colour as 'the n-word' will be offensive when spoken by a white person. Most NTs don't give a flying rat's how to spell it or what it is, and also the insistence on 'ass burgers' and variants in the face of correction does tend to send a cultural message to us autistics as Ylva stated before.

 

[Tia Maria]

Got it now. I never heard of "ass burgers". Yep, that is rude. (Emmett may be equally unaware.) I differ than you & some here in that I am not into "groups" & who's oppressed & who's oppressing & 'social capital' etc ... I am not dismissing or diminishing anyone else's feelings, & am happy to 'agree to disagree' on anything. I just like to take each person as they come, as an individual, & each situation as it comes on its own basis.

I will have to try to locate the author & book with that story so I can post it sometime, & it can be read & appreciated beyond what I can impart.

 

[Suzanne]

Hello there

I have aspergers and my husband is an nt and I am pretty sure, that if he read what you put, he would be saying: there, that is how you treat me!

I am tons more aware than I used to be, but still have to remind myself to show affection.

We are in the middle of renovating our house and he is doing most of the work, but I do take note of his load and do show affection ie make drinks and show concern; it is difficult though, I cannot deny that. Oh and yep I used to react the way your girlfriend does, when you voice how she ignored you, for this has been my husband and me many times. The trouble is that she doesn't see she is doing anything wrong; she is not saying: I don't care that he is working hard etc; as far as she is concerned, she IS showing you affection. My husband has had me in tears because it feels like an attack.

Your situation is tricky because she doesn't want to face that she has an issue, where us on here, have faced it and are trying to deal with it.

Her brain is wired differently to yours and thus, really it is not her fault.

You have to make a choice here, whether you want this relationship to work, because it will be mostly about you doing the hard work to help her.

My husband, now is slowing coming to see that I am an aspie and instead of angry telling me to lower my voice, he now uses his hand in an upwards downwards and that does help, but only if I am animated; if I am angry, he now says he will put the space between us, so as to not hurt his ears. You see, I do not realise I am doing it!

 

[Suzanne]

I've seen plenty (as in LOTS) of misspellings & simple typos on this site.

Here's an interesting thought. Misspell neurotypical to an NT. What is the chance that they would feel personally affronted, offended or annoyed by that? Probably close to 0%. Why? Because they harbor no insecurity or bitterness about it. (I am not my shoes.) Firstly, they won't care about it and secondly, they would also give the writer the benefit of the doubt & assume no harm was intended. But either way, they still wouldn't care, because ... well, why should they?

I once read a terrific true story about a man who suffered emotional problems & disordered thinking. He also had zero self esteem which manifested in awful & dislikable ways. He eventually got a terminal cancer with very little time left to live. Before he ultimately died, one of the epiphanies he had was that he "was not his shoes". This is not a thorough description or explanation, but I always remembered & often think of that phrase -"I am not my shoes."

Separately I will try to find that story & post it some time soon for anyone who may be interested.

Hello Tia Maria

Just before I comment on this ( in a positive way, just want to say that I have not got back to you, because I know you are trying to not be on here so much and so, by sending you a reply privately, I felt it would be not very nice of me, since you would feel the need to reply and so forth.

Anyway, I love your post and oh heck, how so right you are! I have spent enough time with nts to know that even when I feel annoyed with a spelling error, I won't say! Oh how I get: I am not my shoes! My husband said: you know the trouble with you Suzanne, is that you attack the whole person, not the traits of a person and that really hit home and so, trying to change that. It is true, that I am my shoes!