Delayed verbal responses in conversational conflicts

[Mia]

Early on in my life I'd not been able to respond in the moment very well. And as you've mentioned, you think of some response hours or days later. I find communication here to be optimum and usually not a contest of any sort.

When you consider it, being able to be clever or witty in the moment is not all that much of a gift. You usually find that the person with the witty comeback is not much of a thinker of any sort. Being verbally clever is something that can be learned, scripts can be memorized, you can even take a debate or philosophy class to learn and practise.

Really when you consider the banter of workplaces, schools and social settings. It can become a game, contest, one upmanship; (A technique or practise of gaining a feeling of superiority over another person) a manner in which to gain the upper hand verbally or in writing.

There was a time in my life where I practised such a thing, yet I began to consider that it was a function of ego. And eventually that I had little need to feel superior to others, and that the people who did, were still learning about themselves. Yet, I think that you reach that point later in life. And that some go through the verbal jousting first, to comprehend it.

 

[Professori]

When insulted or angrily snapped at, the person doing that then places themselves in a position of authority, superiority over you - adult to child. That is threatening. Usually the reaction is to feel intimidated, and so a ‘brain-freeze’ can occur and then one cannot think of a response, especially a meaningful one.
When no longer under threat then one can take time to think of a meaningful response. I find it to generally be a problem with those on the spectrum, but it is usually overcome with age and increasing confidence. It helps if one simply doesn’t care what others think, but that’s not easy because usually we are already typecast as being different, ‘inferior’, even child-like perhaps, and so people find it easy to place themselves in a position of authority.

 

[Barymore]

what an interesting read! I was just thinking about how I experience these issues - so I can totally relate to the brain freeze mentioned by @Professori -I may even become physically almost incapable of speech when stressed (its like I forget how). But this feels different to when I am just generally very slow to respond during conversations - this to such an extent that my wife frequently lets people know I am thinking and will respond in a minute during conversations. We regularly laugh about it. I am not currently suffering from depression and am considered quite clever otherwise so I am not sure what that is related to. It feels like I am rapidly sifting through multiple aspects of what was said. I suppose I should hold up a card with an hourglass on it.....(that old symbol for when the computer is „thinking“) So for me at least there are different causes for slow responses.

 

[Matthias]

it is usually overcome with age and increasing confidence.

I agree. A lack of confidence is often the result of a low self-esteem which is a common cause of depression. One of the symptoms of depression is processing information more slowly. Depression and Slow Thinking (Reduced Processing Speed) | HealthyPlace

As self-esteem improves, confidence increases and a person becomes less depressed.

It helps if one simply doesn’t care what others think

I agree. That's one way of reducing excessive anxiety and stress.