Depression: realising that i’m not as attractive or as gifted as I thought I was

[NothingToSeeHere]

How did your cousin become an Airline Pilot? What steps did he take?

As far as I can recall he did a uni course then did some training with an airline. I'm not sure though, we're not close and I don't pay attention to his life.

On a separate note, if you don't like your beard, why don't you just shave it off?

 

[paloftoon]

Also, Frostee, you’re basically saying that anyone who isn’t considered attractive is less worthy of life and happiness than people who are. And that’s a rather tragic sentiment to hold.

Given the context, I don't think Frostee is actually "saying" that at all.
I'd say he is implying more that society has invisible pressures that have each other judged on looks. It's easy to say that it's not fair, and it isn't.

It's also easy for someone that might be less attractive now (people get older and many lose their looks over time, for instance) to expect someone considered more attractive currently to date them etc. That person might be (invisibly) hesitant because he/she realizes that that person would not have considered dating them in the past when that person themselves was "more of an item."

I think a better reply/outlook is that even though looks matter because of society and lust and are very subjective in the real world, we should minimize those thoughts and focus on things we can control. If we think looks are a problem, then we work on things that may help change that. There's always things one can work on even if they are looks related.

 

[NotStrangeJustDifferent]

An average looking person's looks can be vastly improved by finding the right hair stylist. They can go from average to attractive with the right hairstyle. The only problem may be the cost of going to a better stylist. I'm not saying they'll become Adonis, but they can at least look a lot more attractive. It's just an observation that I've made throughout the years.

 

[Jimbo]

Being a hottie is not all it's cracked up to be. I have spent my life fighting girls off who just want a piece of me. I feel like just a piece of meat sometimes.

Actually I'm just average too,,, maybe even below average,but after 50 years I've learned to like me just the way I am.

 

[Frostee]

As far as I can recall he did a uni course then did some training with an airline. I'm not sure though, we're not close and I don't pay attention to his life.

On a separate note, if you don't like your beard, why don't you just shave it off?

It makes me look older and helps with the look face.

I ask about your cousin as I would like to eventually become an Airline Pilot, the cost is an issue though and i’m wondering if there is steps that I can take to alleviate that.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

It makes me look older and helps with the look face.

I ask about your cousin as I would like to eventually become an Airline Pilot, the cost is an issue though and i’m wondering if there is steps that I can take to alleviate that.

I would guess that with an airline or the military would be the cheapest way to go about it. Do your research and let us know.

 

[GadAbout]

It makes me look older and helps with the look face.

I ask about your cousin as I would like to eventually become an Airline Pilot, the cost is an issue though and i’m wondering if there is steps that I can take to alleviate that.

I see you are dealing with your depression by further dallying with grandiose plans for your future. Sure, do that, but don't be indignant when you can't get anyone to hire you as an airline pilot. You first have to take the steps to get hired for and hold onto ANY job, and researching steps to affordably become a pilot is just postponing the inevitable.

Knowing what I do about you, I wouldn't care to be a passenger on any airline you worked for. Remember that guy who plowed a commercial plane into a mountain, killing all on board, because he was depressed? Show me some mental health and stability first, then maybe you can talk about a high responsibility, high status, high paying job.

 

[Ken]

I am now retired and in my late 60’s. Earlier in life, I was in a similar situation as you, but in many ways far worse. I was terrible in school. So bad that my school diagnosed me as retarded. I had to repeat many classes. I finally graduated, but two years late due to my desperately poor performance. When I finally did graduate, I passed by one-half point.

I was also the most unpopular kid in school. Girls avoided me like the plague and the boys mostly laughed at me. I was convinced it was my looks. I was profoundly depressed and hated myself and suicidal. The depression lasted for most of my life.

Early in life, starting around the age of eight, I dreamed of being an electronics design engineer. I was just fascinated with anything electronic. My performance in school, however, totally dashed that dream. I just could not comprehend what the teachers tried to teach me on any subject. Even math was too hard for me and I knew I had to be good in math to ever be an engineer. I could not even comprehend algebra.

So, while I gave up on ever being an electronics design engineer, I could not shake my fascination with all things electronic. I spent all my spare time in nice quiet libraries intensely studying electronic theory. I was so passionate about it that I would drag old TV’s and radios home from the dump to scavenge parts to build circuits to experiment with. I learned enough to be able to repair many of my family’s radios and TV’s. I went to a repair shop looking for and job. I did not have any credentials, so I asked if they would give me a test – just let me fix something. I got the job. That job then lead to other repair technician jobs. Each job progressing to the next. Eventually, I got a job as an electronics test and assembly technician in a factory. Each one progressing to the next until I ended up with a job as a prototype assembly technician at an electronics design firm that designed electronics for military, aerospace, medical and commercial industries. My workspace was in a quiet room all by myself. It was heaven. I would often suggest design improvements to the engineers, and on occasion they would try my suggestions. This started becoming more and more routine. Then the engineers started to come ask me electronic theory and design questions. Then I was given a project of my own. The engineers, my boss and our customers were really impressed with my novel, innovative designs. Then I was promoted to Senior Electronics Design Engineer. This put me in the same league and capacity as the design engineers who all graduated with esteemed degrees. I was the only engineer without a degree.

As it turns out, I could learn math and algebra, I just couldn’t learn as taught in school, but I learned it on my own in my quiet library haven. I do have learning disabilities – very slow to learn, but that doesn’t mean I can’t learn. On my own I can learn anything I need or want to.

And as far as looks go, I finally discovered that looks were not my problem; it was my autistic mannerisms – of which I am totally oblivious to. As lucky as I was actually realizing my childhood electronic design engineering dream, I was also lucky crossing paths with a wonderful woman that actually found some (though not entirely all) of my autistic traits to be endearing. I have learned a lot from her. As an NT, she has been able to explain so much of life and society that I am totally oblivious to. So now I’m a happily retired electronics design engineer and happily married to my life partner who is also my social buffer and life advocate.

So, my two cents worth advice; don’t give up – never give up. No matter how obvious it may seem, you never know how life will turn out. There are just too many variables. Just keep on the path of your dream. Don’t try to become an airline pilot straight off. That’s too big of a leap. Perhaps look for a job at a small regional airport sweeping floors or whatever just to get you in the aviation environment and close to pilots. If you can’t get a job, then just hang out there. Go to libraries and study, study, study all things aviation. Make some friends at the airport and eventually take small aircraft flying lessons. Get your pilots license and keep logging tons of flight hours and just keep yourself involved in and moving through the aviation environment. Let your autistic passion push you through. My autism was my engineering superpower. Don’t think about where you want to be - instead, only think about your path in that direction. Then one day, later in life, you will be surprised to discover that you actually reached your dream of being a highly revered commercial airline pilot – or who knows, perhaps something even better.

Oh, and by the way, avoid retail or any job that requires interface with the public. I tried that – Big, Big mistake. My Aspie traits; social fears, etc. kept me over stressed and always riding the edge of a meltdown for all the time I worked there. It was a huge, debilitating negative. I finally realized I could not do it anymore and vowed to never work in a public job again. One of the best decisions I ever made.

And, above all – delete the word Can’t from your vocabulary and mentality. Nothing is more debilitating and defeating than the belief; I Can’t. There is always a path to goals. Many goals seem locked out due to society norms, but there are alternate paths. And finding alternate, innovative paths is an Aspie’s secret strength. A good example of alternate paths can be seen in the life of Vivien Thomas. See the movie, “Something the Lord Made”. I don’t think Vivien was autistic, but the path thing is the same.

 

[Misery]

Being a hottie is not all it's cracked up to be. I have spent my life fighting girls off who just want a piece of me. I feel like just a piece of meat sometimes.

Aye, same here.

Without going into too much detail, I'll just put it this way: I've actually gotten catcalls and such before, and even been groped more than once. And I'm male. (it aint the girls doing it though).

At times the attention can seem kinda nice, but... it often devolves. VERY often I find that people who are trying to talk to me couldnt care less about my personality or any of that stuff. Quickly becomes apparent what they really want, and it happens often enough that I can usually see it coming. Needless to say, I dont make friends easily, and I tend to keep a distance from people as a rule (though of course, with all my problems, that sure aint the only reason why I avoid people).


But there's more to it than that. The one thing I'd like for @Frostee to understand is that all this sort of thing is very, very subjective. It's not quite as simple as "attractive" VS "ugly". It's not a binary thing. Each person has their own likes and dislikes, in terms of what they're attracted to. In my case, while I get that sort of attention a bit frequently, others react quite negatively to me instead (which also doesnt help with the whole friend-making thing). My appearance isnt exactly the norm. And if you think negatively of your own appearance, well, there's gonna be people out there that are quite attracted to you. We often are our own worst critics.

Those few REAL friends I have though, they were never about that. It was never a matter of attraction with them. They like me for who I am.... and that's what makes them real friends.

It's much better to find REAL friends like that, than to simply find random idiots that think you look good. "Friendships" like that dont end well.

That's a lesson that I rather wish more people could learn. If someone wants to try to look "hot" or whatever, that's fine... but you gotta realize that if you do achieve that, it likely isnt going to go how you think it will, or feel how you think it will feel. And there will always still be people who dont like what you're going for no matter what.

And really, there are more important goals that you can shoot for. Dont get stuck focusing on shiny things, as they dont function quite how you think they do. That's a good way to sum it up. Or at least I'm too lazy to sum it up in a better way.

 

[Aspychata]

Think it's great to have aspirations, you may be a pilot or maybe you can examine why you are so drawn to this and find those qualities in something you can do now for viable employment.

 

[Frostee]

Speaking of flying. Was up in my fathers plane yesterday.

 

[hatfullofrain]

I can relate. I keep getting told that I am attractive, but no one wants to date me, so I feel unattractive and ugly.

I look younger than I am, but I can see the aging process in the mirror and I obsess over how I'm not skinny anymore. To people I've just met I look like I'm in my 20s, but I know what I looked like back then, so from my perspective I look old.

If only we could see ourselves as others see us.

 

[Jason Bennett]

Comparing ourselves to each other/people, is the first step in defeating yourself. You are a beautiful masterpiece and beauty is just vanity. Appreciate and love yourself and embrace all of your strengths and weaknesses.

 

[Chrysanthemum]

I love my mother so much. I am not blaming her for my depression but her actions has contributed towards me coming into this mood.

I am an individual who has always had very high aspirations. My dream job is to be an airline pilot - and I have got to experience some of that in my fathers plane, but I do wonder if i’ll ever get that far given the cost.

Growing up, my mother constantly praised me for my looks. I used to notice that no one fancied me or ever praised my looks outside the home. From all of this praise from my mother I started to think that I was about a 6/7 looks wise. However, as i’ve aged and looked at myself i’ve thought “maybe you are just average”. That must be true because I only have 12 likes and 8 matches on Tinder. But it’s a big come down. Let’s face it, my face is long and thin and I look awful with my beard (see recent photo below).

I got into a Grammar school and my family constantly praised me as being the “smart one”, so my intelligence was also overestimated by myself. I did ok in my A levels (BBA) and got a 2:1 in my degree. But really i’m only slightly above average.

I’ve applied for jobs since graduating and am constantly rejected. I can’t even get a retail job. Going into these retail stores and seeing 17 year olds makes me feel so worthless!

So as you can see i’ve turned out to be not what I thought I was and i’m feeling really depressed and sad. I’ve been binge eating and staying up late, sometimes all night.

I am really worried that i’ll not fullfill my potential in life.

I don’t know how to process this. I would love to improve my chances and become that airline pilot. But how? How is that even possible?

I’m not massively intelligent and i’m just average looks wise. That’s pretty depressing.

How can I go forward with a positive attitude when i’m not what I thought I was? How can I feel secure when I am lesser than what I thought I was?

To be honest, I don’t like who I am and I don’t want to be who I am.

I hear you.


I think that getting into a Grammar School, which from my understanding is a type of U.K. government-funded school designed for students in the top 10% of academic ability, does show you possess intellectual potential.

In my humble opinion, it’s not so much the level of certain abilities and skills one has that is important, it’s how one uses them, and perhaps an understanding of one’s abilities, skills, and challenges is also important. So, job-wise, ideally one would probably want to find a job that is suited to their personality and skills.

If you really want to become an airline pilot, and reasonably think and believe that you are capable of becoming a SAFE and RESPONSIBLE one, why not try to do so? Granted, it’s very competitive, and requires a very specific set of skills, but if you want you could try. Even IF you don’t make it as an airline pilot, that definitely does not mean you won’t fulfill your potential, whatever that is for you, in life (you can fulfill it in a different way).

Hope the best for you.