Desperate, Help Needed!

[Fino]

I have a hunch he is aware of his empathy problems and has spent hundreds on several "emotional intelligence seminars," that deal with "empathy" and were way out of state. He did this on his own time, on his own dollar, and has never done it before or gone to another seminar since.

So he does want to change in some ways! Does he have any specific reasons for not wanting professional assistance, such as therapy?

The blurting out of offensive things is as if he was surround my minorities like a muslim, an african american or a lesbian (things he is not), I would place money on there being some offensive comment made at some point from him not understanding their point of view. Same with someones inability to do math, struggles with money or anything that isn't him.

Does it seem malicious in any way or does it seem more curious, oblivious, confused? If the latter, then it sounds just like me. I've had to write down a list of subjects to just never speak of in public, as well as many other social rules.

The outbursts I refer to usually happen in phases: There is a tension building phase where he may voice his opinion on someone he does not understand to others, like how I described above (calling for advice), and despite any amount of advice, his emotions come to a head where he will confront the person in a very loud and critical way, about why he thinks they have a problem and should be doing what he thinks. The triggers and subjects of his outburst can be extremely trivial or generally tend to be, anyone doing something he cannot relate to. Which essentially means, anything that is different than him. He has a compulsion to speak out despite being asked, "can we agree to disagree," or "can we not talk about this, every time we do it gets everyone upset." But there is no filter and no self awareness to control his outbursts, which may suggest he does not care, but looking deeper might suggest an inability to stop it. After the outburst, when I attempt to talk about why he did that, he may be remorseful, but often times quietly shuts down and cannot process or communicate his emotions, almost as if he is in a state of confusion. He will do this to friends, family, parents, teachers, waitresses, literally anyone

The description of your brother sounds exactly like what I was looking for by coming here. Can you expand? Can you tell me how the two of you get along? Any strategies you have? Do you attribute his behavior to anything? How do you deal with someone who gets enraged by opposing views? This seems to be a big source of conflict. For example, as a healthcare worker I corrected him one time on the physiology of ketoacidosis, there was only talk of nutrients and macro-molecules. My education disagreed with a web article he read (scientific studies do frequently conflict with each other) and although there was not a single personal thing mentioned, he would not speak to me for over a month after. I'm not leaving out details either. This is frequent occurrence and leads to the "walking on eggshells" effect.

These descriptions sound like you're describing my brother, especially with the argument involving verifiable facts.

My brother is a conspiracy theorist and recently converted fundamentalist Christian. He believes the rapture is soon, as well as pretty much any conspiracy you can think of. These are usually the source of the outbursts, commonly about the Illuminati, but there are also often problems with any tiny little thing, such as rage over an argument about whether or not ALL CAPS INDICATES AN INCREASE OF VOLUME or if it's just an emphasis. Such a strange thing to end up yelling and insulting about.

My strategies for getting along with him involve never directly contradicting to him. Any argument to the contrary is framed in friendly terms, such as, "I don't know, it kind of seems like maybe it's possible that..." and after he responds, I respond with something in the nature of, "Oh, I see what you mean." Tone is always gentle and non-combative, and if he becomes irate all on his own, communication is over, and if he demands a response it won't be more than a word or two, such as, "Okay," or, "I understand," or, "I'll think about it." Abusive tone or language loses someone the right to speak to me.

I've been diagnosed with a personality disorder, in addition to ASD, so I tend to attribute his behavior and emotional difficulty to there being some presence of one or both of these spectrums. He's never seen a psychiatrist and I doubt he ever will so I can't know, but that's the way it seems.

But I don't think the label is relevant, unless he's being treated. I understand your thinking when you say it'd be easier to sympathize if it's a disorder, but I find myself sympathizing with a jerk just as well. A disorder is a set of behavior arbitrarily classified under a label. "Jerk" is also a set of behavior classified under a label. Maybe it's worse and more pitiable to simply be a bad person. What's the treatment for that?

As for the rage over opposing issues, I've used him my entire life as practice for not being bothered by opposing views, mastering the thing they refuse to learn at all. People can believe whatever they'd like to believe. I don't express my beliefs unless specifically asked. I don't argue with something I disagree with unless I'm asked to offer my opinion on the subject, and I don't ever try to convince someone else to believe what I believe. I see negative emotion as poison, and I've gotten into the habit of avoiding poison as much as I can.

We, too, have the "walking on eggshells effect," and there's an unspoken list of subjects to not mention in his presence. I know just how you feel, and I'm sorry you're going through it.

The nurse in me secretly wants to believe he has a disorder. This means I can have sympathy for him and maybe find a blueprint on on how to have a better relationship. It is hard to have sympathy for an asshole. The thing I keep coming back to that makes me believe there is a disorder is the simple fact that a 27 year old should not have the level of emotional immaturity that he exemplifies, that effects him in such a negative way. To me it seems outside of normal, to the extent that something may be wrong.

Other than the divorce, how were his parents with him? My parents were practically non-existent, and that's likely a factor in the problems we have. I managed to find help elsewhere, but not everyone is that lucky. Maybe he had trouble growing up, literally. I don't mean trouble in his childhood--but that too--I mean trouble progressing in age, mentally and emotionally.