Devastated - partner broke up with me after 20 years due to my autism

[Misty Avich]

Wow, I'm sorry this has happened. You must be heartbroken. *Hugs*

 

[Alexej]

Hi @Kaz2012
Sorry to hear of what has happened.
I hope you have other folks you can talk this over with as I would appreciate other folks to talk things over with.

I am glad you have found this place, even if we are remote from where you are

 

[Wolfnox]

I am not afraid to offend if someone needs to be offended.

Been having to do that. People like to walk over you sometimes.

I can’t change what I can’t help fits this thread pretty well.

 

[Kaz2012]

@Kaz2012

Two suggestions:
* Find out why this happened now
* Find out if she's getting external advice, and if so where from

Note:
This isn't intended to change the immediate past. It seems very likely she's checked out.
You need to deal with your immediate future ASAP.

yeah - thanks for this. I have done some thinking and i do believe someone around her is muddying the waters. This person has become a very close friend super fast and is the main person she was hanging around with in the 1-2 years. This person I think needs to be needed and creates situations to enable that. She was a mutual friend first but now is more my partner's (ex I should say) friend. From the outside it looked to be like a strange adult friendship - behaved more like 13 year old girls, that really intense stuff, with this new person mimicking even illness symptoms and really digging into my ex's life....and now this person's husband is trying to make me think and feel things i don't and is practically pushing me to admit i was not really happy in the relationship and stuff like that. So i am wondering about the agenda there....because my partner for so long knew about my autism and supported me and really everything was great until the last 1-2 years...same time as the new person came into our lives.

And then it was this other person that texted me to see how i was going. At the time I just thought my partner needed some time out to sort her stuff out but that we would still be together. Then this person texts me to say "she has made her mind up but just is being vague with you to avoid hurting you and break ups are hard". I had literally just before this asked my partner if she was phasing me out and she said no if want to break up with you I would tell you straight. So after the text i ask my partner what is going on and the she goes you know what this is unfair to you and i will break up with you...and dont blame person x it's all on me....

You are the third person to suspect bad advice from someone. Thank you. I think the universe is telling me something. I am seeing my partner in a couple of months to discuss stuff. I will definitely bring this up. Even if we dont work out again, she needs to know not to trust this person or rely on her so much. Much thanks again

 

[Kaz2012]

Hi @Kaz2012
Sorry to hear of what has happened.
I hope you have other folks you can talk this over with as I would appreciate other folks to talk things over with.

I am glad you have found this place, even if we are remote from where you are

so glad I have found this place too

 

[Hypnalis]

@Kaz2012

1. You're probably engaged in the most financially significant process of your entire life. Much more than e.g. buying your first house. Regardless of whatever else is going on, you must defend your financial future.

That doesn't mean act aggressively - your goal should be a fair result. But you will not get that if you don't take action. You should start acting defensively literally immediately.

2. You should take into account that there are many sources of "information" for a women looking to exit a marriage/LTR "efficiently".
Talk to a lawyer ASAP - remember the cost should be compared with literally the entire net worth of your family unit. There is too much at stake for you to be sentimental about this.

3. This becomes less difficult if you don't have dependent children with your ex-SO. But still not easy.

 

[SeanF]

So sorry you had to experience this. Like others before me, I too see my own struggles in your plight. I have been married for 23 years, but our struggle to communicate has always been an issue.

Have you ever seen a therapist who specializes in neuro-divergent relationships? Perhaps this might be helpful at some point. While you are on a break, perhaps you could look into some podcasts about ND relationships? I am not sure about the rules on posting such things in this forum are, but I can offer a few that I found incredibly helpful for me if you message me.

Speaking only for myself, I now understand that I often unintentionally hurt my wife's feelings through nothing more than miscommunication. Hopefully, things work out between you two. However, even if they don't, maybe this is a good time to do some research. I don't know about you, but I am all about the research.

Whatever you choose. I hope you find peace in that decision. And you are valuable because you are you, so keep your head up, my friend.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

I assume you met her while still in your 20s

 

[Aspychata]

Just hope you aren't be taken advantage of or gaslighted by the other two people. I gotta agree, you need to consult an attorney and look out for your financial interests. This all could be a smoke screen, to cover up something. I tend to go proactive versus being runover as the aftermath.

 

[Hypnalis]

So i am wondering about the agenda there....because my partner for so long knew about my autism and supported me and really everything was great until the last 1-2 years...same time as the new person came into our lives.

I suggest you don't spend too much energy on the details of this. FWIW they're almost certainly on your ex's "side", and acting against you.
But that makes dealing with them (including your ex), simple.

* Act exactly as you always have. Appear to trust them. Don't question their "information raids", Play naive.
* Put them all on an "information diet". This is harder than it sounds., because it has to be combined with simulating being "naive/trusting". You may need to work on the process.
* There's a very real risk they'll try to trap you. They will almost certainly (99.5%) have been recommended to do so - it's routine on the "take what you can, leave nothing behind" advice sites.
* So assume any communication with any of those people is a trap, and any two of them together is an opportunity for "false witness" later on, Never meet with them alone. Assume all calls are recorded. No reminiscing (or flip the script if you can't avoid it).

There's more to this of course, but hopefully your lawyer will be able to help.

If you're interested, there was an example of someone doing this on this forum a little while ago. She was literally fishing the "pool of ASDs" for insight into potential weapons to use against her Aspie ex.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

Yeah it's a cruel fact of nature that not everybody gets to date or be in love when you're very young or in your youth

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

Ya I have hated being born male at times over the years, decades

Reason why is because I have always had a lifelong hatred and resentment towards men always having to make the first move and Court women and be the initiators in terms of starting a relationship

I know I will resent it until the day I die

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

Yes I am going through something familiar. My husband walked out on me a few weeks ago. I am devastated.

He also said he wants to stay friends. He says he has a conflict avoidance problem.

He wants a divorce and I do not. We are communicating some.

I don’t have any suggestions beyond talking to a lawyer.

 

[Aspychata]

@WhitewaterWoman l pray something works out for you, but you are keeping your eyes wide open which is commendable since relationships are sticky messy things in general.