Devastating breakup - Did he hide the Asperger's?

[Gerald Wilgus]

It's so tough for me. The person l care about is hesitant to contact me and l don't know what to do. He is ND. He is anxiety/avoidant so it makes it extremely difficult because l have pretty much the same traits which means we scale the Great Wall of China. I need him to contact me instead of leaving me in the contact suit only.

I don't know what to say. The me that was avoidant of relationships is not me anymore More recently, like when my spouse is visiting her sister I would avoid doing things by myself. No reason. But anymore I push through anxiety when there are things I really want to do. Like last year at my first track day. I was anxious but said Alan Shepard's prayer, humbled myself, and had a great time.

If you were to take that step to contact him, how would he react? Were it me, I would be pleased and happy.

 

[Aspychata]

That's very positive. I visit his picture everyday on my phone. I was thinking about his birthday coming up, and l will reach out to him.

 

[Richelle-H]

I was 29 before I went on my first date and when things started happening too fast for me to handle I went into a semi-meltdown and fled in panic. As I recall I just said I had to go and left. This was long before I received a diagnosis of AS. That did not happen until my forties when someone suggested that I might have Asperger's.

So yes, he could be oblivious and not know. Also the abrupt way he broke up with you suggests panic to me. He suddenly felt as if things were out of his control and moving too fast.

Having been married for 38 yrs (3 of them before my diagnosis) I can say that things can be quite difficult long term for the both of you unless you understand that we on the spectrum have our prickly points, and while you seem to be aware of some of those, living with them 24 hours a day can ultimately cause some stressful moments for the both of you.

My emotions are a bit of a powder keg with a random fuse. Some of those are so strong they tend to rob me of words, something I am normally not lacking. Then it gets worse as many misread that as something it is not, and things tend to deteriorate fast until the stress is removed.

If I were you, the approach I would take would be to send him a text or leave a voice message merely saying that you are missing him terribly and invite him out for something you both like. I think it unwise to bring up autism, for as I said he may not know and not all of us take in that information with equanimity.

I wish you all the best and if you approach things slowly, maybe, just maybe, it will work out. Good Luck!

 

[imissmyaspieman]

I have no insight on this one but I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this. I was dumped in a similar fashion by an NT once upon a time (me being the ND, obviously) and it's really difficult to deal with.

I'm sorry that happened to you. It truly is torture to be dumped and blind sighted by a partner. Ugh.

 

[imissmyaspieman]

Sorry your relationship ended, and that your ex was unable to give you feedback as to why. I wonder though if his experience of the relationship was the same as yours? He may have had doubts or opinions he didn't want or know how to express. It does seem like your appraisal of the situation is very much as a neurotypical person might see things, and you seem to believe it was all about him, and what he lacked or should be diagnosed with.

To me that seems like you are not taking responsibility for your own possible lacks in his eyes, not that you should agree with him, but that you see it as all about him. I hope you won't feel hurt by my saying this, sorry if you do, it could help you to move on to consider your possible lack of a fit with him, and in what areas, and either work on those or look for someone who wants that kind of a fit.

I'm not hurt by you saying this at all... I truly appreciate your insight. I do recognize that my appraisal of the situation is coming from my perspective. You are correct that he did not express if he had doubts, ever. Although we were very compatible, it's now blatantly obvious he had doubts and disappointments that went unexpressed. We NEVER fought and now I see that was a red flag and sign of repressed feelings.

I am stressing the Aspergers because without it I didn't have the prerequisite knowledge and skillset needed for our relationship to succeed - it has nothing to do with labeling him. It's important for me to know so I can navigate a potential future with him (if he comes back) or maybe just reconcile my past with him.

 

[Tom]

Please, you use too broad a brush! While I have been a one-woman man, should that have been different, I cannot envision disppearing on any woman I would have a relationship with. I see relationships as uniquely valuable.

Maybe she's right. We are all fabulously suave and debonair after all, and like our leather corinthian.

 

[imissmyaspieman]

Sadly as has already been said, we have seen such stories a number of times here. Though in your case, it seems you have indeed spelled out a very poor prognosis of rekindling such a relationship.

First and foremost in consideration of how much time has gone by, especially taking into account how long the relationship lasted up to the point when he broke up with you. Plus the latest contact with him pretty much leaves you without any doubt that he couldn't deal with the relationship. If he is on the spectrum, he may be someone who has surmised that he simply cannot handle all the basics of any relationship. Not when we so often need and seek solitude as part of our emotional regimen. In this regard, it may not be as personal as it must all look to you. That it was ultimately about him- not you. That it was likely painful to him to have hurt you in such a way, but that for him there was no other way to deal with his issues.

Second, that even in the likelihood of a sincere wish to get back together again, I suspect your own ire would eventually catch up with you and that it's quite possible that it would be yourself who would eventually end the relationship.

I've been there. I was the guy who abruptly ended a relationship with someone who I thought was the love of my life. And while we got back together again, it was never the same. Her ire caught up with her and she eventually abruptly dumped me. And I tried in vain to get her back, but she was gone and never looked back. Though in my case neither myself or her knew at the time I was on the spectrum. That would come many years and other failed relationships later.

At this point you honestly need to consider your needs and not his. To move on, and not giving him further thought, no matter how the mystery of his possible autism may weigh on your mind. Another thing to consider is for him to come to grips with his own autism, it must really come from him alone and no other person. Otherwise the possibility of denial and him dismissing the notion by much of anyone is highly likely. Intervening with even the best of intentions is not advisable.

I understand what you are saying. I do wonder if we got back together if I would hold a resentment for all the pain or be walking on eggshells because the relationship is emotionally dangerous... and then he'd just leave me all over again or I leave him. However, I also wouldn't go back to the relationship as it was being in the dark about Asperger's and both of us repressing our needs and feelings. Knowing he had Asperger's would've been nothing but beneficial and I would've relished the adventure to grow together as a couple. I know the consensus here from all who have responded is that he is gone, done, and I need to take care of myself now. Trust me, I want nothing more than to not be heartbroken but it's not possible for me to detach like that, I guess that's how I'm wired

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Maybe she's right. We are all fabulously suave and debonair after all, and like our leather corinthian.

View attachment 83625

I would rather wear my leather. I prefer Schott or Fox Creek.

 

[Aspychata]

It's difficult. I am intense, then l back off turn into a mouse, and the poor guy thinks he has met up with the lady from the **Grudge** Japhorcom.

My handsome hottie told me l broke up 3 times already, l had zero realization of that, but l was told this in my 20's by another one.

Thinking, what? Don't we all turn around and flee when we see ourself in the headlights , (deer).
But again, he splits for 5 months, 8 months at a time. It's all fudge and smores, l mean love and war. Lol

 

[dark cloud]

I know i lated to answer. I didn't read other answers here so if i have similar answer with someone else I apologize.
How do you know that he has Asperger? Even though you read books if he wasn't the one who told you, you can't be sure.

But if he has he might felt connection with you but when he realised it he started to fear.
I have Asperger too and emotional connection with others made me anxious and avoidant.

He might know he has Asperger but didn't tell you because there is stigma and might thought you wouldn't like his real self. He might thought he is unable to give love and compassion to you and when you told him your frustration he thought he was right because people on the spectrum take things literally. When my friends tell me whenever they have frustration with me i immediately believe they don't like me anymore and that they're going to leave me.

Maybe he doesn't even know it that he has Asperger. You should ask him if you want.

And it's not your fault. I guess you are neurotypical (not on the spectrum) and communication between you and a person on the spectrum might be difficult.

That doesn't give him the right to disappear but i believe it's true you deserve someone who can give you emotional support and safety.

 

[imissmyaspieman]

Do you think it’s possible for a couple where one is on the spectrum and one is NT to truly give each other what they need OR is it a futile cause where both are actors who are growing resentment that’ll eventually implode?

 

[Tom]

Do you think it’s possible for a couple where one is on the spectrum and one is NT to truly give each other what they need OR is it a futile cause where both are actors who are growing resentment that’ll eventually implode?

There are quite a few here that are ASD married to NT and several that have been together in the 30-45 year range. My own is at 37 years.

 

[dark cloud]

Do you think it’s possible for a couple where one is on the spectrum and one is NT to truly give each other what they need OR is it a futile cause where both are actors who are growing resentment that’ll eventually implode?

Yes it's possible. But it's important to communicate each other and trying both for the relationship.
And the neurotypical person need to learn about Asperger but from the person he/she has relationship with because every person with Asperger is different.
I know people on the spectrum who are social and very emotional and like hugs and connection with people.
And the person on the spectrum need to learn and understand the neurotypical person too.

 

[Ella Spell]

(a) do you not know you have Asperger's?

You don't know that he has Asperger's, so this approach seems condescending. It gives the impression you have psychoanalysed him, and assigned all blame about the relationship's breakdown to his potential autism.


(b) did you know and chose not to tell me when we started dating and got serious?

Again, you don't know whether he is autistic or not. This approach shows no empathy, no cooperation, and no equality between your neurotypes.


(c) did you likely know -or had a strong feeling- but worked so hard to mask it that you thought it didn’t impact the relationship?

I'm not sure why it matters to you whether he's autistic or not. You claim to know him well and love him for who he is, but then you suggest he deceived you because of a diagnosis made by your cousin. I don't mean to sound rude but is your cousin a licensed neuropsychologist and did he / she evaluate him in a professional setting before your breakup? If so, given the right time and place you might want to ask him why he didn't disclose to you. You might also remind your cousin about doctor-patient confidentiality. If he's / she's not a neuropsychologist, I would leave well-enough alone and accept the fact that your partner didn't want to continue the relationship. There doesn't have to be a specific reason for any breakup, unfortunately. He doesn't need to be at fault (nor do you), and in my opinion hounding him with accusations will only make things worse.

 

[Judge]

Do you think it’s possible for a couple where one is on the spectrum and one is NT to truly give each other what they need OR is it a futile cause where both are actors who are growing resentment that’ll eventually implode?

That's what I'd call one of those "64,000 dollar questions". Where neurology may- or may not be a part of that particular scenario. No way to predict whether a couple has the mortar to build and cement a long-lasting relationship. Though this community has a few of such relationships and marriages that seemed to have stood the test of time.

Is it "futile" for you to seek reconciliation? I can only ask one question in this regard, relative to my own experience. Have you ever been rejected before in another relationship? I ask as my former g/f took it very hard when I dumped her, as she prided herself on being the one to dump others. So while we got back together again, she never seemed to shake off that resentment, and it eventually caught up with me, and this time I was the one so devastated. Thirty years later and still think about her. Though it's also true that she's on husband #3. My biggest hurdle with her was given that each day on average we spent more than 18 hours a day together or in close proximity.

Otherwise I can only go by what you have posted to consider reconciliation of such a relationship to be poor. Mostly given the time that has gone by, without him seeking to reconcile with you. He may indeed care very much for you, but is forced to do so from a distance rather than as a lover.

Sad, but it's also some of us can relate to. Where we must have differing degrees of solitude. Where some may be able to navigate through a relationship while others simply cannot, for whatever reasons.

 

[Rodafina]

I am stressing the Aspergers because without it I didn't have the prerequisite knowledge and skillset needed for our relationship to succeed - it has nothing to do with labeling him. It's important for me to know so I can navigate a potential future with him (if he comes back) or maybe just reconcile my past with him.

Knowledge about Asperger‘s or anything related to autism would not have necessarily given you all the info you needed – we are not all the same.

If you read around the posts here you will see the variety among NDs is equal to that among NTs. Whatever he is or is not, you still need to figure him out as a unique human, not as a label.

I am approximately 40 and only discovered that I am likely on the spectrum in the last two years. If a friend or ex partner had presented the idea to me, the results would have been devastating for me and for our relationship. It is absolutely not in your purview to announce to him that he may be on the spectrum.

My forcefulness is explained by my worry that you could really cause some damage by doing that. I too have felt the sadness that you describe. Much compassion for the sorrow you’re feeling.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Do you think it’s possible for a couple where one is on the spectrum and one is NT to truly give each other what they need OR is it a futile cause where both are actors who are growing resentment that’ll eventually implode?

Yes, it is possible. As with any relationship it takes communication, accommodation and work. We have harmonious values, interests, and goals and allow each other independence even as we work together. We enjoy traveling together yet sometimes travel alone, my last trip was to Thailand in April where she had been there with a friend previously and wanted me to experience the country.

Yet, in all of this, what cemented our relationship was her acceptance of me when I really wasn't looking for a relationship when we met. I have written plenty about that on this forum because it was life changing for me. We have been together for 44 years.

 

[imissmyaspieman]

That's what I'd call one of those "64,000 dollar questions". Where neurology may- or may not be a part of that particular scenario. No way to predict whether a couple has the mortar to build and cement a long-lasting relationship. Though this community has a few of such relationships and marriages that seemed to have stood the test of time.

Is it "futile" for you to seek reconciliation? I can only ask one question in this regard, relative to my own experience. Have you ever been rejected before in another relationship? I ask as my former g/f took it very hard when I dumped her, as she prided herself on being the one to dump others. So while we got back together again, she never seemed to shake off that resentment, and it eventually caught up with me, and this time I was the one so devastated. Thirty years later and still think about her. Though it's also true that she's on husband #3. My biggest hurdle with her was given that each day on average we spent more than 18 hours a day together or in close proximity.

Otherwise I can only go by what you have posted to consider reconciliation of such a relationship to be poor. Mostly given the time that has gone by, without him seeking to reconcile with you. He may indeed care very much for you, but is forced to do so from a distance rather than as a lover.

Sad, but it's also some of us can relate to. Where we must have differing degrees of solitude. Where some may be able to navigate through a relationship while others simply cannot, for whatever reasons.

I have been rejected before and don't think it's a pride issue at all for me. I thought I was going to marry him. Our chemistry and compatibility was on point. I finally found my forever person and thought the natural progression was to merge our lives and I was excited for that to start happening... as you know, I had no clue there was a neurology difference to consider, I just knew something seemed off. From all the responses to this forum it seems that my unmet expectations and expressing my disappointment made him hit the eject button. I daydream about all the ways my needs and his needs would be handled and discussed if he ever comes back. Talking to all of you on this forum has helped me so much - I can't thank you enough for being open and kind to me about this situation.

Just thinking about us ending up like you and your ex who you still think about makes me SO SAD (I'm crying as I type this). I can't image connecting with anyone the way I did with him (and vice versa for him). He watches everything I do on social media from my personal account and my business account so my heart tells me that he misses me. However, I also realize I cannot presume to know how he's feeling or going to behave based on my own NT emotional viewpoint.

 

[imissmyaspieman]

Knowledge about Asperger‘s or anything related to autism would not have necessarily given you all the info you needed – we are not all the same.

If you read around the posts here you will see the variety among NDs is equal to that among NTs. Whatever he is or is not, you still need to figure him out as a unique human, not as a label.

I am approximately 40 and only discovered that I am likely on the spectrum in the last two years. If a friend or ex partner had presented the idea to me, the results would have been devastating for me and for our relationship. It is absolutely not in your purview to announce to him that he may be on the spectrum.

My forcefulness is explained by my worry that you could really cause some damage by doing that. I too have felt the sadness that you describe. Much compassion for the sorrow you’re feeling.

Thank you for that. I'm glad I presented the question here because I otherwise wouldn't have known it was that bad of an idea. I definitely do NOT want to make the situation worse.

 

[Judge]

Seems to me that to have any shot at reconciliation would require him to adequately explain why he chose to end the relationship. And whether or not you could accommodate on whatever his needs may be. Without bringing up the issue of whether or not he's on the spectrum. That's something he would have to address all on his own if he chooses. In my own case coming to grips that I was on the spectrum was like going down a long, bumpy road strewn with potholes- and lots of denial. But I emerged having accepted who and what I am.

Despite that he may well still have deep feelings for you, it may be incumbent for you to approach him. Mainly given the amount of time that has passed. It doesn't seem that he's really prepared to change his mind and approach you.
In this respect you may have nothing to lose if you truly cannot let go of him at this point in time. Though it would seem imperative to me for you to determine what may have spooked him in the first place and go from there.

And perhaps that offering him more solitude may be part of the success quotient...if he- and you are up to it. While it's not personal, too much socialization is literally toxic to many of us. Not an easy thing to truly understand.