Did we break up cause he is an Aspie?

[Cassandra]

Hi everyone,
I'm so new here but so in need of help and support! I am an extroverted (formally happy adn vivacious) NT who was with a wonderful man up until recently when he told me that he "couldn't do it anymore".

We met online, he is doing grad school, as am I at the same university no less! And we live 8 minutes apart. But never noticed each other at school. Both 38 and had each recently got out of our past relationship two months prior to meeting. On our first date he revealed very personal info to me about his family past (red flag - but I thought it was just the wine and the chemistry), which was very similar to my family's past. We soon started dating. The first few months were great but there were red flags for sure: Repetitive activities and likes (dancing, 80's music, gym-that's it), repetitive stories...all.the.time. Obsession with a particular activity to the exclusion of all other things (dancing). He is very, very, smart, and can be so kind and super charming and thoughtful, but can be quite rigid and critical, like very critical and controlling....but then the problems came. He is okay with loud noises but has to get really, really drunk at clubs to withstand the night. I thought he just hated dance music (remember only 80's music). He is extremely sensitive to touch...He is terrible with new people -like terrible. I thought he was just shy. He would say "I'm not good with new people" but I'm talking about not able to go into a room full of new people unless I was there with him. He was not able to talk to new people unless they were quiet, though he gravitated towards women more than men, (childhood trauma stuff). He has poor self regulation as well, especially with emotions (his or mine) and hunger. When he is hungry he is literally a child and just takes what is infront of him. It's weird. He was also VERY STUBBORN. I could not say anything to him that went against his worldview or perception of himself - it would end up in a circular fight. and THE.STONEWALLING. for days, weeks and eventually months. Emotional shut down. When I told him how I felt, there was no accountability on his part and just continued silence - my soul suffers when he did this.

PLEASE BE AWARE OF CASSANDRA SYNDROME AND GASLIGHTING. he would tell me things that he needs more time than others to process things, I would ask does he have a learning disability, he would say yes. So I thought "no worries, lots of people do". He would say "I don't communicate all that well" I thought, "no worries - he's a man, emotions weren't really a forethought in the 80's for boys". But little did I know that was his way of "passing" in society, and it works for the most part. He's well respected at his work and amongst his peers. People love him and think he's the nicest person to walk the earth......

Now full disclaimer, I am a yeller. When I would say something that upset or concerned me he would DENY, DENY, DENY, that would frustrate me to no end and I would end up yelling and getting hysterical after a while (like hours). CASSANDRA SYNDROME. I have never in my life had to have such long circular talks with people who "didn't get it". Ultimately I would yell and scream and say not the nicest things. (I did not every curse at him) but I would speak to him in a way that would seriously question his worldview and safe places that he created in his mind. We loved each other, we tried to make it work. I found us two counselors we went to couples counseling but it was from an NT perspective and they perceived him as the victim, as the one who is shy and just an extreme introvert who needs a bit more time to himself etc. They did not see anything else. I would tell them no, he's emotionally hurting and neglecting me and they would just excuse his behaviour - he plays the victim very well. He began to blame me for his life. He would say that our fights prevent him from focusing on school or work (at times if we fought bad, he wouldn't get out of bed for a day or two). He has been working on his PhD for 11 years but somehow in the past year and a half, its MY FAULT why he's not done! If I said "hey you did this and it caused me pain, he would say "no", I would get upset, we'd fight. Wash. Rinse.Repeat.

But..................what would happen is that he would take all those fights and they built up over time...but...he NEVER IMPLICATED HIMSELF in it...it was only my reaction....for him, he never did anything wrong, it was all me and my reactions. So, not only were my feelings invalidated but I was made out to be a raging lunatic....now the back story to this was that we were trying to have a child together. Despite all this junk, we truly loved each other. I had fertility issues so I had to undergo surgeries etc. He was there for me and supported me. Until he wasn't. After all our fighting and trying to make up etc, he said "he couldn't do this anymore and did not want to have a child with me" I am reeling from this. We live together and I still have to stay here until I can afford to move out. Oct 1st. It is TORTURE. I have issues with emotional abandonment and this experience leaves me physically shaking most days, crying the others. He has emotionally shut me out before but this is all encompassing. We now sleep in separate bedrooms (at his request to establish boundaries). The bedroom we once shared is now a closed door that I have knock on to get his attention. We were on good terms for one day, but I resented the fact that he seemed so cool and aloof after the breakup and so happy to see me like we were best friends.


When I told him how I felt, he began to "brace himself" and began the cycle of denial, emotional neglect and invalidation. He kept saying "I'm sorry you're having such a hard week". To which I reply, "I'm having a hard week cause you broke up with me".....he says "he doesn't want to feel any worse than he already does and that I should just share my emotions with my friends or therapist. He does not feel that he deserves to be emotionally dumped on". He says it's wasn't all my fault but he does not seem to "get" what he did or how it made me feel. He greets me now with no more emotion than he would a colleague at the water cooler.....He would rather go back to his activities of organized dancing and barely exchange pleasantries. He said he only wants to hear pleasant things from me as we have to live under the same roof until October and he would rather we be kind to each other. I am struggling to get closure from myself and process this grief while he is whistling while he's making omelettes.

His older sister told me once that all three of them (the siblings) are HFA. I asked him if he thought there was autism in his family he said no......but the signs are there.

As much as I may have painted a rather grueling picture, he was also so kind and loving to me. The most loving man I had ever been with-hence my decision to move in with him and and want a child with him. He was my love, my playmate, my heart...I still love him and it literally kills me to see him moving on with his life so easily with me being a backdrop to him. We loved each other.....dearly...and now I watch him live a life....a life we were planning together....without me...I feel so low, abandoned and rejected....like severely. How can he be so cold and unfeeling??? I know by the time he meets someone else he would have turned off all emotion from me. I feel his perceptions are misguided and I finally found a counselor that deals with AS/NT relationships but its too late now. He's been validated and encouraged to find a "safe space" away from me....and that's what he did. It's like he never really knew me or the situation. He is just going off of misguided information and bad perceptions and I don't even know if he is but I came here anyway cause my gut has been telling me something with our second date.

Are there any thoughts or anything....I'm hurting. Thanks for reading and listening. I feel like Im going crazy.

 

[Tom]

Hard to say considering we don't actually know if he is on the spectrum or not. I think people tend to throw around complicated diagnoses all too easily these days. What is clear however is that he has moved on. You are left in an empty room. The sooner you leave and get on with things the better.

 

[Cassandra]

Honestly, that was the last thing I wanted to hear but the last part you wrote is the most important. It just hurts...that’s all.

 

[MrSpock]

We were on good terms for one day, but I resented the fact that he seemed so cool and aloof after the breakup and so happy to see me like we were best friends. When I told him how I felt, he began to "brace himself" and began the cycle of denial, emotional neglect and invalidation. He kept saying "I'm sorry you're having such a hard week". To which I reply, "I'm having a hard week cause you broke up with me".....he says "he doesn't want to feel any worse than he already does and that I should just share my emotions with my friends or therapist. He does not feel that he deserves to be emotionally dumped on". He says it's wasn't all my fault but he does not seem to "get" what he did or how it made me feel. He greets me now with no more emotion than he would a colleague at the water cooler.....He would rather go back to his activities of organized dancing and barely exchange pleasantries. He said he only wants to hear pleasant things from me as we have to live under the same roof until October and he would rather we be kind to each other.

I wouldn't be so sure that this has been easy for him. Most aspies seem to express emotions differently than NTs do, it's possible that he was trying for a long time but didn't know how to fix things, just as you haven't known. If he's concluded that you have an irreparable communication problem he may feel that he's acting in the nicest way possible, and that further effort is only going to hurt both of you.

I'm 50, and found out that I have Asperger's only a year and a half ago. All my life I've known that I was different, but am still finding out just how different. He's not going to be the same as me, but it's likely that he too has spent his life among people with vastly different outlooks on life and has a greater awareness of that difference than you do. Successful communication requires a common frame of reference which I often lack when talking to NTs, particularly when emotions or relationships are concerned. If you've not both been aware of this need and both worked toward meeting it then it's likely that there has been damage done that is not easy to repair. This seems to happen a lot, you will find many threads about breakups and poor communication in this forum.

 

[Sloth]

Assuming he is on the spectrum, it sounds to me that it wasn't solely anyone's fault. You both had issues that made the relationship difficult. I'm not gonna lie, the prospect of being with someone who is a "yeller" as you said, sounds rather daunting, especially since some Aspies can be extremely sensitive. At the same time, you are completely right that the problems that people on the Spectrum have feeling and expressing emotion and empathy can be very hurtful to their significant other. It's possible that he was showing affection, but in a different way that you didn't realize (although idk). The fact that it seems you both at least made some effort to help each other sometimes is great, but at the end of the day, you can't expect someone to completely change who they are.

I understand that you feel hurt that everyone in the world seems to be taking his side over your's, in my opinion, your concerns are valid as well. However, to be brutally honest, it sounded like a bad match. You ask how he can be so cold and unfeeling? Well that's just how it can be sometimes and you might have to accept it. For example, I have severe problems feeling emotions as well although I can also be described as kind at times. Even someone who isn't on the Spectrum can have those problems, and plenty of people on the spectrum don't have this problem. I believe "alexithymia" is related to it, and you can look it up. I wouldn't get your hopes up that these issues are just going to magically go away, just like someone can't expect you to all of a sudden not require emotional support and be as detached as him. If both of you are willing to work on it, then maybe these innate differences can be bridged, but only if he decides for himself that he wants to do it, you can't force him to change. I agree that going to NT relationship advisers was a mistake. There is nothing typical about a NT/ASD relationship, and you need someone who actually understands them.

Hope this was helpful and not upsetting. Remember I'm not too good at reading emotions myself so sorry if I'm off the mark .

 

[OkRad]

It sounds to me he was VERY clear about himself and his behaviour. You were the one who kept thinking "No problem." Cassandra was a prophetess. The daughter of Priam. She would tell the future and no one would believe her. It sounds like HE DID TELL YOU but you did not believe him. I don't know you, so please don't think I am judging, but it must have been very hard for him to be honest and it seems, from what you say, all you did was stomp all over it because it did not fit what you felt to be the right way.

You said, "A lot of people them" (developmental disorder/intellectual disorders) but you do not seem to realize the huge gap that can cause between those who do and do not.

He is NOT going to be on your page and he was SO CLEAR. I would like to give him a big hug and let him know he did nothing wrong. He is not playing the victim. He did what he could and you wanted him to be something he wasn't. But he was so clear.

You need to leave him alone. You need to heal and so does he.

 

[Cassandra]

Thank you for your insights. They are very useful. I do feel that I am being seen unfairly, but such is the case of dating/being with someone HFA. We are often taken as the bad guy. As much as I “stomped” on him. You don’t know of the criticisms he hurled at me when I didn’t fit his mood. Or the judgement I received when he felt like giving it out without provocation, or when he would get mad at me for the. Exact.Same.Thing he had done but I wasn’t allowed to do. And yes I say ALLOWED. So while you may want to give Him a hug, my pain is as real as his. If you read the whole entry, I loved him. I didn’t think he was a monster. And NO. HE WAS NOT CLEAR!! Being shy and being on the spectrum are two different things! Being a bit stubborn and literally incapable of receiving criticism are two different things. And if your partner DOES NOT KNOW what the limitations are, how are I reasonably expected to respond or even Taylor my expectations of him and I and us?! He tells me he is NT who is shy. That was never our issue but communication. So I used strategies that I learned in other NT communications that were successful. Imagine my surprise when it failed with him over and over and over again. And I didn’t have a blueprint, guideline or even Potential diagnosis to operate from. So sorry while I know you say you don’t want to Judge, you are..

 

[OkRad]

Thank you for your insights. They are very useful. I do feel that I am being seen unfairly, but such is the case of dating/being with someone HFA. We are often taken as the bad guy. As much as I “stomped” on him. You don’t know of the criticisms he hurled at me when I didn’t fit his mood. Or the judgement I received when he felt like giving it out without provocation, or when he would get mad at me for the. Exact.Same.Thing he had done but I wasn’t allowed to do. And yes I say ALLOWED. So while you may want to give Him a hug, my pain is as real as his. If you read the whole entry, I loved him. I didn’t think he was a monster. And NO. HE WAS NOT CLEAR!! Being shy and being on the spectrum are two different things! Being a bit stubborn and literally incapable of receiving criticism are two different things. And if your partner DOES NOT KNOW what the limitations are, how are I reasonably expected to respond or even Taylor my expectations of him and I and us?! He tells me he is NT who is shy. That was never our issue but communication. So I used strategies that I learned in other NT communications that were successful. Imagine my surprise when it failed with him over and over and over again. And I didn’t have a blueprint, guideline or even Potential diagnosis to operate from. So sorry while I know you say you don’t want to Judge, you are..

You clearly do not like him. Leave him alone. Go finish your PhD and stop acting like you are in high school. Just leave him alone already!

 

[Cassandra]

You are insensitive and horrible. I am leaving this site and sincerity hope you get what you deserve! A person is hurt and you kick them while they’re down? I hope Karma shows you grace

 

[MrSpock]

You say that you're being seen unfairly, but you've asked strangers to look at a brief outline of a long and complicated episode from your life and you expect responses, of course they're going to be guesses based on what we guess you're not telling us as well as what you have told us, you are here asking for guesses.

You don’t know of the criticisms he hurled at me when I didn’t fit his mood.

Of course we don't know, you've not told us. Again, what do you expect?

And NO. HE WAS NOT CLEAR!!

he said "he couldn't do this anymore and did not want to have a child with me"

Sounds pretty clear to me, as were other things which you've quoted him as saying.

He would say "I don't communicate all that well" I thought, "no worries - he's a man, emotions weren't really a forethought in the 80's for boys". But little did I know that was his way of "passing" in society, and it works for the most part.

In this passage he has tried to share a big problem that many of us face and which is devastating, you've written it off as something that most men experience. Not at all nice of you, although you probably didn't realize it. For most of us it's true, and not a way of 'passing' in society. I can only assume that you say this out of ignorance, because it's so very offensive otherwise.

You are insensitive and horrible. I am leaving this site and sincerity hope you get what you deserve! A person is hurt and you kick them while they’re down? I hope Karma shows you grace

You most definitely say this out of ignorance, you are so very wrong.

 

[On the Inside]

In my experience, someone who is a yeller is automatically off the list of possible partners. I had a father who yelled and had a terrible temper, so I'm pretty sensitive to that, and see no reason to accommodate that in other people.

I've been in two LTR's one with a yeller, one with a non-yeller. While both relationships had their difficulties, I was much more inclined to reconcile and work on the relationship with the non-yeller, even though she was actually the poorer of hhe two, in terms of "buy in" in the relationship.

One problem that comes up often in these NT with a suspected Aspie relationships (usually Female NT/male suspected Aspie), is the reported refusal/denial of being on the spectrum. Whatever the problems that a partner has, they ard not going to be resolved by suspecting/insisting that the problem partner is on the spectrum. I was diagnosed after a long and generally fruitless process of therapy with several therapists. I wanted to know what had caused me difficulty and lack of progress in so many areas. If someone does not feel they have difficulties, or otherwise thinks everything is OK, they are generally going to think that yoj just have clashing personalities.

I am not trying to be mean to you. And I am sorry you may not be back to get more perspective. There are a lot of caring friendly people on this site.

 

[AO1501]

Did we break up cause he is an Aspie?

No. In terms of the details of the relationship posted here, the answer to the question being asked, is a simple 'no.' That is not the reason the relationship failed.

Ultimately, what the reason really was is something we can't hope to know because clearly there is way too little information, and only one side of the whole tale, but while one party being on the spectrum seems likely to have contributed to the failure, even on what we do know, there was a lot more to it than that - not least a rather unfortunate failure of one party to truly comprehend the other.

Not that that is terribly unusual in relationship failures, but it seems rather more difficult to overcome when there is an NT and an Aspie involved.

A classic example of that failure would be, in this instance, the yelling. Given a typical Aspie can overload very quickly and readily from a sensory barrage of that kind, it rather demonstrates a fairly dire lack of basic comprehension of an Aspie reality that could be both painful and highly stressful to suffer. That isn't to say it was necessarily all one-sided, but I know in that situation, it wouldn't take much else to convince me that the relationship was fairly well doomed, and react appropriately from there.

There also seemed to be failures on his part, though not untypical Aspie responses and behaviours from what has been described. It is easy to understand why that could be problematic to the NT partner too, of course.

Ultimately, I think this is evidence that some relationships just face too many hurdles to flourish over time. It may be sad, it may be unfortunate, but without a great deal of effort on both sides, some education and perhaps even counseling, there would be little hope of retrieving this however much the two involved might actually wish otherwise.

 

[Bolletje]

I understand how painful it is to be broken up with, and to have to share living accommodations with an ex after the breakup. Been there, done that.
However, I question the wisdom of acting out that pain by joining a forum for people on the autism spectrum to vent about
A) what a horrible person your ex is
B) how your ex is probably on the spectrum

Then you get mad when you’re not automatically met with words of comfort and praise?

To answer your question: no, you did not break up because he’s an Aspie, you broke up because your ex doesn’t want to be with you anymore. As for what his reasons were, only he knows.
To me it’s rather pointless to point fingers at who did what wrong. It also doesn’t really matter whether your ex is on the spectrum or not, you’re clearly incompatible either way. Slapping a label on him isn’t magically going to fix his social awkwardness, nor is it going to stop you from being a yeller. His way of expressing emotions is clearly a mismatch to your expectations. Do yourself a favor and move on. And don’t direct your anger at random strangers because you’re grieving.

 

[sidd851]

Hi everyone,
I'm so new here but so in need of help and support! I am an extroverted (formally happy adn vivacious) NT who was with a wonderful man up until recently when he told me that he "couldn't do it anymore".
We met online, he is doing grad school, as am I at the same university no less! And we live 8 minutes apart. But never noticed each other at school. Both 38 and had each recently got out of our past relationship two months prior to meeting. On our first date he revealed very personal info to me about his family past (red flag - but I thought it was just the wine and the chemistry), which was very similar to my family's past. We soon started dating. The first few months were great but there were red flags for sure: Repetitive activities and likes (dancing, 80's music, gym-that's it), repetitive stories...all.the.time. Obsession with a particular activity to the exclusion of all other things (dancing). He is very, very, smart, and can be so kind and super charming and thoughtful, but can be quite rigid and critical, like very critical and controlling....but then the problems came. He is okay with loud noises but has to get really, really drunk at clubs to withstand the night. I thought he just hated dance music (remember only 80's music). He is extremely sensitive to touch...He is terrible with new people -like terrible. I thought he was just shy. He would say "I'm not good with new people" but I'm talking about not able to go into a room full of new people unless I was there with him. He was not able to talk to new people unless they were quiet, though he gravitated towards women more than men, (childhood trauma stuff). He has poor self regulation as well, especially with emotions (his or mine) and hunger. When he is hungry he is literally a child and just takes what is infront of him. It's weird. He was also VERY STUBBORN. I could not say anything to him that went against his worldview or perception of himself - it would end up in a circular fight. and THE.STONEWALLING. for days, weeks and eventually months. Emotional shut down. When I told him how I felt, there was no accountability on his part and just continued silence - my soul suffers when he did this. ***PLEASE BE AWARE OF CASSANDRA SYNDROME AND GASLIGHTING****. he would tell me things that he needs more time than others to process things, I would ask does he have a learning disability, he would say yes. So I thought "no worries, lots of people do". He would say "I don't communicate all that well" I thought, "no worries - he's a man, emotions weren't really a forethought in the 80's for boys". But little did I know that was his way of "passing" in society, and it works for the most part. He's well respected at his work and amongst his peers. People love him and think he's the nicest person to walk the earth...... Now full disclaimer, I am a yeller. When I would say something that upset or concerned me he would DENY, DENY, DENY, that would frustrate me to no end and I would end up yelling and getting hysterical after a while (like hours). CASSANDRA SYNDROME. I have never in my life had to have such long circular talks with people who "didn't get it". Ultimately I would yell and scream and say not the nicest things. (I did not every curse at him) but I would speak to him in a way that would seriously question his worldview and safe places that he created in his mind. We loved each other, we tried to make it work. I found us two counselors we went to couples counseling but it was from an NT perspective and they perceived him as the victim, as the one who is shy and just an extreme introvert who needs a bit more time to himself etc. They did not see anything else. I would tell them no, he's emotionally hurting and neglecting me and they would just excuse his behaviour - he plays the victim very well. He began to blame me for his life. He would say that our fights prevent him from focusing on school or work (at times if we fought bad, he wouldn't get out of bed for a day or two). He has been working on his PhD for 11 years but somehow in the past year and a half, its MY FAULT why he's not done! If I said "hey you did this and it caused me pain, he would say "no", I would get upset, we'd fight. Wash. Rinse.Repeat. But..................what would happen is that he would take all those fights and they built up over time...but...he NEVER IMPLICATED HIMSELF in it...it was only my reaction....for him, he never did anything wrong, it was all me and my reactions. So, not only were my feelings invalidated but I was made out to be a raging lunatic....now the back story to this was that we were trying to have a child together. Despite all this junk, we truly loved each other. I had fertility issues so I had to undergo surgeries etc. He was there for me and supported me. Until he wasn't. After all our fighting and trying to make up etc, he said "he couldn't do this anymore and did not want to have a child with me" I am reeling from this. We live together and I still have to stay here until I can afford to move out. Oct 1st. It is TORTURE. I have issues with emotional abandonment and this experience leaves me physically shaking most days, crying the others. He has emotionally shut me out before but this is all encompassing. We now sleep in separate bedrooms (at his request to establish boundaries). The bedroom we once shared is now a closed door that I have knock on to get his attention. We were on good terms for one day, but I resented the fact that he seemed so cool and aloof after the breakup and so happy to see me like we were best friends. When I told him how I felt, he began to "brace himself" and began the cycle of denial, emotional neglect and invalidation. He kept saying "I'm sorry you're having such a hard week". To which I reply, "I'm having a hard week cause you broke up with me".....he says "he doesn't want to feel any worse than he already does and that I should just share my emotions with my friends or therapist. He does not feel that he deserves to be emotionally dumped on". He says it's wasn't all my fault but he does not seem to "get" what he did or how it made me feel. He greets me now with no more emotion than he would a colleague at the water cooler.....He would rather go back to his activities of organized dancing and barely exchange pleasantries. He said he only wants to hear pleasant things from me as we have to live under the same roof until October and he would rather we be kind to each other. I am struggling to get closure from myself and process this grief while he is whistling while he's making omelettes.
His older sister told me once that all three of them (the siblings) are HFA. I asked him if he thought there was autism in his family he said no......but the signs are there.
As much as I may have painted a rather grueling picture, he was also so kind and loving to me. The most loving man I had ever been with-hence my decision to move in with him and and want a child with him. He was my love, my playmate, my heart...I still love him and it literally kills me to see him moving on with his life so easily with me being a backdrop to him. We loved each other.....dearly...and now I watch him live a life....a life we were planning together....without me...I feel so low, abandoned and rejected....like severely. How can he be so cold and unfeeling??? I know by the time he meets someone else he would have turned off all emotion from me. I feel his perceptions are misguided and I finally found a counselor that deals with AS/NT relationships but its too late now. He's been validated and encouraged to find a "safe space" away from me....and that's what he did. It's like he never really knew me or the situation. He is just going off of misguided information and bad perceptions and I don't even know if he is but I came here anyway cause my gut has been telling me something with our second date.

Are there any thoughts or anything....I'm hurting. Thanks for reading and listening. I feel like Im going crazy.

That you "know" that you are a "yeller" is
unsettling.
If you know this, why is it still true?

To know, and not to do, is indeed, not to
know.

How many misunderstandings or disagreements has yelling served to resolve,
to everyone's satisfaction, for you?

This is a gigantic red-flag.

Imposing your will is not cool.

 

[Cassandra]

Dear all,
I received a kind note from another member on this site who encouraged me to come back to this site to gain more understanding. To the person who wrote that I came here to "Vent" about my ex. If that is the way that it is received I understand and I apologize. I do not mean to upset anyone on this site, I merely still am in the throngs of this and trying to figure it all out.

I feel I should clarify something. The yelling....so yes I do yell. For many reasons, partly cultural, partly personality. Please let me provide context. I am very animated and passionate and speak loudly when I get excited. I am African background and my former partners were West Indian, Italian, Portuguese, Latin and Eastern European (Russian and Ukrainian). So in those relationships and to a larger extent cultures, being very vocally expressive was the norm, both when one is upset or happy.
Now, my ex did not have a problem with yelling per se, but only when it came up in arguments. If I was to yell while we were having a heated debate over politics, that was fine - He wasn't a complete pushover either He also can alert some sirens when he gets cut off while driving and talking politics or watching basketball!.

When I yelled it was preceded by several attempts, several, several attempts of me trying to let him know I was concerned, or upset with something. He has a very good handle on being stubborn and resistant and very, very, sensitive to criticism from me - even if it was a mention of him calling me before he comes home from work. So imagine telling a partner that you feel hurt by an action/phrase and the response is met with indifference or it is turned around and your feelings are invalidated at best and outright ridiculed at worst, over and over and over again. The level of frustration was palpable-after several failed attempts my frustration got the better of me and I ended up yelling. Yelling happens to the best of us. Our parents yell at us, our coaches, friends, sometimes even our bosses. It is not a good part of the human experience but it is part of it. When he conveyed to me the effects of yelling on him, I stopped - BTW for him the yelling triggered family of origin situations that I understood, so I toned that down ALOT!! --I had not idea there could be other reasons for that sensitivity. I did and still do my very best to try to resolve things with him that do not involve yelling. Please know that I am not a random yeller. You may choose to believe me or not, but that is the truth.

Now the most important thing I think for me to convey is, I had NO idea, and still don't officially know if he is on the spectrum. So I was operating from an NT world view and framework. Most people live and interact from whatever framework that they have adopted or at least resonate with. For me it was from an NT one. As some gay friends of mine have said they operate from a homonormative framework and so on.
So when he is super sensitive to criticism and yelling, how was I to know that there was more to the story while he is not super sensitive to his friends yelling at him or criticism from his boss?
So from an NT framework - if someone says to me that "I'm not that communicative with my emotions", I would imagine it is because of socialized gender roles that say men should be less emotive. How would I even conceive that it might be part of the HFA Framework and require a bit more patience or different strategies? Because I am from an NT framework, telling me that you are not that communicative with feelings, I would then try to bridge the communication gap with strategies that I learnt and used in an NT framework - active listening, sharing feelings, mirroring etc. These worked in my other NT/NT relationships but may not work in an ASD/NT one - but I was not aware of that.

What I mean to say is that there was a lot lost in translation because neither one of us had access to that crucial part of information. The truth will set you free. For example when he disclosed to me some family situations that impacted certain aspects of his life, I was able to make accommodations that served him and he did that for me as well with my family situations. We were so fine on that angle.
Ultimately, I feel that I was operating from a frame of reference that didn't suit him, and he was operating from a fame of reference that didn't suit me....but that was because neither one of us had any other information........I have heard of NT/ASD couples that can work but when there is transparency and willingness on both sides to accept the dynamics and make accommodations. We would have done that, had we had known.

In my mind and I don't know if this is completely applicable, but if feels like this: for example, a student telling a teacher they need more time for tests is different than that same student telling their administrator that they have a very different learning style and they need specialized attention in school that warrants different approaches to teaching. Without that information, both the student and the teacher would be at a loss.

Again, I am merely trying to understand certain things here. I mean no disrespect or to upset anyone. If anyone feels to comment on this (and you do not have to) I only ask that you not be mean to me. I am not trying to incite fights, anger or negative vibes, I am merely trying to share my experiences and gain insights. If I upset anyone, I apologize in advance.

Thank you

 

[Cassandra]

In my experience, someone who is a yeller is automatically off the list of possible partners. I had a father who yelled and had a terrible temper, so I'm pretty sensitive to that, and see no reason to accommodate that in other people.

I've been in two LTR's one with a yeller, one with a non-yeller. While both relationships had their difficulties, I was much more inclined to reconcile and work on the relationship with the non-yeller, even though she was actually the poorer of hhe two, in terms of "buy in" in the relationship.

One problem that comes up often in these NT with a suspected Aspie relationships (usually Female NT/male suspected Aspie), is the reported refusal/denial of being on the spectrum. Whatever the problems that a partner has, they ard not going to be resolved by suspecting/insisting that the problem partner is on the spectrum. I was diagnosed after a long and generally fruitless process of therapy with several therapists. I wanted to know what had caused me difficulty and lack of progress in so many areas. If someone does not feel they have difficulties, or otherwise thinks everything is OK, they are generally going to think that yoj just have clashing personalities.

I am not trying to be mean to you. And I am sorry you may not be back to get more perspective. There are a lot of caring friendly people on this site.

Thank you for your insights and kindness

 

[Cassandra]

I wouldn't be so sure that this has been easy for him. Most aspies seem to express emotions differently than NTs do, it's possible that he was trying for a long time but didn't know how to fix things, just as you haven't known. If he's concluded that you have an irreparable communication problem he may feel that he's acting in the nicest way possible, and that further effort is only going to hurt both of you.

I'm 50, and found out that I have Asperger's only a year and a half ago. All my life I've known that I was different, but am still finding out just how different. He's not going to be the same as me, but it's likely that he too has spent his life among people with vastly different outlooks on life and has a greater awareness of that difference than you do. Successful communication requires a common frame of reference which I often lack when talking to NTs, particularly when emotions or relationships are concerned. If you've not both been aware of this need and both worked toward meeting it then it's likely that there has been damage done that is not easy to repair. This seems to happen a lot, you will find many threads about breakups and poor communication in this forum.

This was very helpful for me to read and follow up on. Thank you so much!

 

[AO1501]

...I have heard of NT/ASD couples that can work but when there is transparency and willingness on both sides to accept the dynamics and make accommodations. We would have done that, had we had known....

The reality is that there may well be many very successful NT/Aspie relationships that exist without either person even suspecting there may be a neurological divide, simply because many adult Aspies go undiagnosed. My diagnosis came after 13 years of a relationship with an NT, and that relationship was largely successful simply because we discussed some of the disconnects and problems we seemed to have interrelating. Absent any clue I was on the spectrum, it didn't remove the clear knowledge there were some 'oddities' between us, and that we needed to resolve those, whatever they really were.

What I am saying is that you don't need to have a label for it, to understand there's something that needs to be worked on.

While you are right that we do tend to approach others from within the framework of our own perceptions, processes and experiences, there were plenty of signs in my relationship, and apparently in yours too that something wasn't fitting right, and therefore needed thought and discussion - and openness.

In the end, NTs are as different as Aspies are, so there really is no such thing as 'easy' in a relationship. Even an Aspie/Aspie relationship will have potential difficulties due to the differences - my wife is also an Aspie, and we understand each other's mental landscape very well, but we still need to talk and reach better comprehension of things that might otherwise trip us up.

I don't have great wisdom to offer in what makes a great relationship work, but things like selfishness, resentment, distrust and stubbornness are capable of making the greatest relationship fail.

 

[Cassandra]

The reality is that there may well be many very successful NT/Aspie relationships that exist without either person even suspecting there may be a neurological divide, simply because many adult Aspies go undiagnosed. My diagnosis came after 13 years of a relationship with an NT, and that relationship was largely successful simply because we discussed some of the disconnects and problems we seemed to have interrelating. Absent any clue I was on the spectrum, it didn't remove the clear knowledge there were some 'oddities' between us, and that we needed to resolve those, whatever they really were.

What I am saying is that you don't need to have a label for it, to understand there's something that needs to be worked on.

While you are right that we do tend to approach others from within the framework of our own perceptions, processes and experiences, there were plenty of signs in my relationship, and apparently in yours too that something wasn't fitting right, and therefore needed thought and discussion - and openness.

In the end, NTs are as different as Aspies are, so there really is no such thing as 'easy' in a relationship. Even an Aspie/Aspie relationship will have potential difficulties due to the differences - my wife is also an Aspie, and we understand each other's mental landscape very well, but we still need to talk and reach better comprehension of things that might otherwise trip us up.

I don't have great wisdom to offer in what makes a great relationship work, but things like selfishness, resentment, distrust and stubbornness are capable of making the greatest relationship fail.

You do offer great wisdom. I have been doing "research" to understand things, and I was under the impression that NT/ASD dynamics were very difficult to navigate. It is very helpful to read your experiences. It gives me a lot to reflect on. Thank You.

 

[BraidedPony]

I didnt read your entire post, you lost me when you said that his sharing information with you was a red flag.
My opinion is if you consider that a red flag, then good luck. Sorry but no sympathy from me.