@Gwildor
This is going to be a rant, sorry. I agree with what you're saying, and I have almost never talked about my mental health on here but this is something I feel very strongly about and I think the stigma against women suffering from trauma is SO unfair!
I'm extremely doubtful that the OP has BPD, by the way. Trauma can cause a lot of avoidance and insecurity but there are other trauma disorders that do not have the angry/vengeful/homicidal/pathological liar/lack of empathy side.
I have had extremely traumatic experiences with people who had BPD, or at least behaved like they did. I can't believe any psychologist or psychiatrist has EVER suggested that I might have had a personality disorder, after I have learned more about it instead of just blindly listening to a diagnostic suggestion. I would never act hostile or vengeful like that, and I would certainly never physically harm a human being, and I have dealt with people who did act like that, particularly young females and FTM trans men. They abused me emotionally and sexually and framed me for crimes/bullying and gaslit me, like you mentioned that people like that sometimes do. It ruined my college experience, and I hate the people who did that to me with every fiber of my being. I cannot emotionally handle finishing college because of them, I was bullied out of the school and now school settings are a PTSD trigger for me.
My current psychiatrist said that I fit NONE of the diagnostic criteria for BPD or any other personality disorder and that I have chronic, complex PTSD. I find it really icky that I believed that "suspected" diagnosis at all when I was younger. I'm about as opposite of a hostile, vindictive person as you can possibly get. But I am very broken from past trauma.
I also find it really cruel and disgusting that BPD is most male psychiatrists' go-to diagnosis for young females who are struggling with PTSD, or bipolar, and/or may be autistic. It is almost exclusively diagnosed in females and is diagnosed disproportionately in the scale of the population that actually has it.
These may be a helpful read:
Why is Complex PTSD misdiagnosed as BPD?
Autistic women and BPD misdiagnosis
Sorry if I've offended or upset anyone. I haven't really talked about this on here but people with this kind of behavior are a source of a lot of trauma for me.
I also very much doubt the OP has BPD, and that wasn't in question. I believe the disorder was only brought up as I mentioned it to explain communication difficulties with my ex and then another member commented on coming across as borderline. Which started the ball rolling on the attachment styles/ love language dialog. Which I think is still relevant to the OP's original struggles.
My response might also be somewhat rant like. My last long-term relationship with my ex was quite catastrophic for my mental health. And because of that I really delved into studying BPD in depth. As I do with almost anything that I become hyper interested in. I disliked her behavior, but I certainly don't hate her or anything.
I valued your input until you hit the "Let's blame male psychiatrists" part. Which feels like too much of a generalization. I'm sure there are unscrupulous male psychiatrists, but probably just as many male psychiatrists who act with compassion and skill.
Also BPD and PTSD/ CPTSD can be so similar as to be very difficult to differentiate, even by a professional, similar symptoms/ behaviour, research often shows similar causes/ behaviour, and the treatment is very often similar. There are actually some discussions by professionals to change the DSM so that the two conditions are considered the same. So, why does the specific diagnosis matter? And why would it make you feel disgusted?
I can't say for you, as I don't know you and don't want to judge. I hold no animosity toward you personally.
But in the case of my ex, it was her constant desire to jettison personal responsibility and seek to blame others that was what irked me. And also, constantly seek sympathy for her crappy behaviour.
She wanted to have her condition viewed as PTSD because it would garner her more people feeling sorry for her than BPD. She wanted to go on Instagram and have everybody tell her that she was a "saint" for putting up with being bullied, or a victim of men, or a victim of patriarchy, or a victim of her parents, or a victim of (whatever entity had fallen out of popular favour at the time and would get her the most attention), but then in her personal life would treat people like scum. Including me. The PTSD diagnosis is more socially acceptable than the BPD one. Even though both are so similar.
My rant here extends further than BPD though. I commented on my other thread, not being sure about my self diagnosis of some form of autism (though I do actually have professionally diagnosed ADHD/ PTSD, which I naturally question).
And I think its valid for me to question my 'diagnoses'. One thing that irks me in general these days is the desire to pathologize almost every human behavior in order to jettison personal responsibility. Just about everyone I speak to these days 'HAS' ADHD, some form of trauma, ASD, PTSD a PD..........ad infinitum. If someone struggles with some aspect of their life it seems to be labelled as an illness, and sometimes (not always) people use it as an excuse for crappy behavior.
As I previously mentioned I have been told by a professional I 'have' some of these conditions myself. But I strongly view it as my PERSONAL responsibility to deal with the consequences. It is not my FAULT that I had poor parenting, or that I had a hard time in school, or that I have been abused in some of my relationships. But I strongly believe it is my RESPONSIBILITY to advocate for myself, to behave honorably and respectfully, even under pressure. I also don't believe that's it's a societal/ neurotypical responsibility for other people to cater to my "conditions", nor do I blame, or wish ill toward my ex, who in all likelihood was in a lot of pain herself.
I don't have anything against women suffering from trauma, and I'm not personally aware of any large scale stigma aimed specifically at them, but it's possible I just haven't experienced it. However I do have something against people who believe they can blame their trauma or 'condition' for acting any way they want. Having a hard time does not devoid people of responsibility in my opinion, including myself. I have had to face the pain and shame of taking that responsibility and apologizing to those who I have wronged before.
However, I know this differs from popular sentiment these days, so it's just my personal view on things. take it or leave it, I guess. No offense was intended.