Difficulty finding the words

[godofthunder24]

Can anybody see anything they can concur with in the following and is this a typical autistic trait? I have problems formulating what I want to say in general conversation. If someone was to ask me a question about myself or something factual I have no problem e.g. what did you have for dinner, what time is it, where's the nearest shopping centre. When I'm in a situation where general conversation is required or in a situation where I might be expected to make some general pleasantries I have to play through the sentence I want to say and almost rehearse it. Sometimes I have to work through a couple of variations and often by the time I work it out the moment is gone and the conversation has changed. In other situations where I rush to say something I sometimes jumble up 2 words into one e.g. Over the past week people have been saying phrases like "have a good Christmas", "have a nice christmas", "have a good one" etc. When its been appropriate to say something like this I've had to plan which one to say and then on a couple of occasions at the supermarket I've muddled the words "one" and "Christmas" into some hideous sounding hybrid of those 2 words. I remember back to my childhood when I had to write stories about myself e.g. What I did on holiday, that my story was made up of "stock" sentences that I pieced together and then I reused the same sentences later on in the same story and hoped nobody would notice.

 

[Judge]

Spontaneous, non-scripted communications in real-time. Yes, I'd say any number of us have difficulties at one or another with such considerations.

For Neurotypicals it might seem like a very routine situation for communication, whereas for many of us on the spectrum we may be more prone to taking such things as a sort of "ambush" where we are caught by surprise.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

In england people often say

Bye

Or 'see ya' as in see you later.

I once said 'byah' - is that the sort of thing you meant?

But yeh i think this kind of thing is common.
Stick around you'll find lots of other things.

Also lots of threads on small talk

 

[Tom]

I think what you are describing is an aspect of the social difficulty most Aspies share. Difficulty making 'small talk' is notoriously hard. I know I can struggle with spontaneous responses. I usually only think of a good response hours later.

 

[godofthunder24]

In england people often say

Bye

Or 'see ya' as in see you later.

I once said 'byah' - is that the sort of thing you meant?

But yeh i think this kind of thing is common.
Stick around you'll find lots of other things.

Also lots of threads on small talk

Thanks and yes that's exactly what I meant.

 

[Chance]

Unexpected small talk is usually a mental train wreck for me. My mind usually starts looking for a fast exit to the conversation, even if I say I have to go to the restroom, or check on something. If I cant get out of it... I try and hide it, but usually say something stupid, or out of context and think about it for hours... Then later coming up with countless educated sounding things (I could have said), but its too late, after the fact, and I shouldn't even be mulling it over in my head... but I do.

 

[Judge]

Unexpected small talk is usually a mental train wreck for me. My mind usually starts looking for a fast exit to the conversation, even if I say I have to go to the restroom, or check on something. If I cant get out of it... I try and hide it, but usually say something stupid, or out of context and think about it for hours... Then later coming up with countless educated sounding things (I could have said), but its too late, after the fact, and I shouldn't even be mulling it over in my head... but I do.

Yeah. Where you have to muster your thoughts in one hurry and hope for the best. Where you may or may not find a common theme to discuss and hang onto. That sometimes we're able to get through it, and other times we simply fail.

And when we do fail, that we may think about for days afterwards...pondering what went wrong and what we should have said, and didn't.

 

[godofthunder24]

Spontaneous, non-scripted communications in real-time. Yes, I'd say any number of us have difficulties at one or another with such considerations.

For Neurotypicals it might seem like a very routine situation for communication, whereas for many of us on the spectrum we may be more prone to taking such things as a sort of "ambush" where we are caught by surprise.

Thanks. I seem to be caught between saying nothing or saying something out of context or more likely saying something that doesn't show any empathy or any hint that I'm engaged in the actual subject of the conversation which of course I never really am unless it's something thats about a specific subject that I'm really interested in or have good knowledge.

 

[OkRad]

In england people often say

Bye

Or 'see ya' as in see you later.

I once said 'byah' - is that the sort of thing you meant?

But yeh i think this kind of thing is common.
Stick around you'll find lots of other things.

Also lots of threads on small talk

That is quite close to bi----atch-------yikes!

 

[the_tortoise]

Finding words is hard. Finding words that express specific things that are appropriate to the conversation at hand is even harder.....

 

[OkRad]

On fake mode, I can do this. But I get brain lock . And because I get brain lock, one day I can be alll faking and NT and the next all ASpie . So I started to stop being fake.

Now I try not to talk outside of house unless I am talked to . It's not hard. And I only anwer questions. If someone goes to deep, I just ask them the same questions they are asking me and they catch on. They feel uncomfortable and realize I do too.

 

[Suzanne]

Yes, all too well, I experience the embarrassment of not being able to just have a casual conversation, face to face. Like you say, if the person asks me a question, I can answer, but my stupid brain is frozen if it is me to ask a question.

Just recently, a very dear older man, who is my spiritual brother said he misses me when I am not at my meeting and that was lovely, but after that, I was left alone and I could tell he wanted to talk, but I think like me, he was stuck on how to start the conversation and so, there was I, desperate for some kind of interaction, to take the "spot light" from me. My head was screaming: you are useless, all alone; everyone is laughing at you. I managed to get up and he just threw out: how are you feeling now? I had had an operation. And that immedately unblocked my brain and to my satisfaction, I got him laughing. He reminds me of my very dear grandad, who died many year's ago, but still in my heart.

 

[Nervous Rex]

100% yes. I want to make sure everything is phrased just right. It's part of perfectionism.

I'll say, "I want to display some of the features of this new program." and in my mind, I'll think, "I should have said 'showcase' or 'highlight' instead of 'display'."

A few things help:

1) NT's don't think of things in such cut-and-dried or such precise terms. You can afford to fudge some and they'll never know.

2) I collect witty and humorous sayings. When it's a normal conversation, I just pull one of those canned responses out:

"How are you?" "Alive, awake, and agreeable!" or "Upright and breathing!" or "It's another day on the right side of the dirt."

"How are you going to solve that problem?" I'm thinking furiously about it, but I'll say, "Eh, I'll burn that bridge when I get to it." or "That's a good question and because you're a valued customer, I'm going to find out the answer and get back to you."

They think the usual witty and humorous Nervous Rex. They don't know that they're just seeing a choose-your-own-adventure response.

3) I've learned to let it go. The more people there are in a conversation, the harder it is for me to participate. By the time I have something relevant to say, and I've run it through all my "Is this appropriate to say / Is it clean / Is it too much information / Will I regret this later" filters, and I've trimmed it to the length and vocabulary that an NT can handle, most of the time the conversation has moved on. I just adapt the expression of someone content to listen and let the conversation go.

4) I'm working on the perfectionism. I've been working on it for almost a whole month now, so I haven't made much progress yet. :-|

 

[Major Tom]

Yes, most definitely. I am a teacher too, and I have some free conversation classes that are VERY challenging for me. I can manage to struggle through, but it takes a lot out of me, unless its a topic that interests me. I can communicate much better through writing than real time conversation. Sometimes when I am very comfortable with a person, the conversation just flows like a river. So I can't say I always have this issue.

 

[SusanLR]

This is a common difficulty for most of us.
I have it happen most everyday.
Today's example:
I was looking through some papers trying to find a certain list I needed. My house partner, Frank, was standing beside me with some papers in his left hand.
I had put three pieces of paper on the table I was going to shred.
(This is sounding like one of those Mary had 2 apples and Jane had 4 plums questions!)

Frank ask me if these papers were to be shredded.
My mind sees papers in his hand, papers on the desk and papers I had set aside for shredding.
My mind pauses for what seemed like a second to process which papers he was referring to.
He asked the same question two more times and was snappy at me about it.
I said, "Just those there." and pointed to the three pieces I had laid aside to shred.
Finally he understood.

Silly example I know, but, it seems to take a run through of the situation to give a reply that will make sense.
Which papers is he referring to in other words?

I often need the processing time to run the info presented before I answer.
NTs seem to think you are not paying attention or listening if there is a slight pause before a reply to them.

In trying to explain something I also get some crazy word or mixed up words coming out and the more I realise it and get anxious, the worse it gets.
If I don't think about what I'm trying to explain the words flow more smoothly and easily.

I don't hold onto having said something that was incorrectly phrased or a word that came out not quite the way it should. IT happens. Forget it. Move on.

 

[godofthunder24]

For me the inability to speak, interact and show some empathy/interest in the subject of the conversation makes me mad and unhappy at the same time. Mad, because I have things I want to say but can't express them, and sad because I think people think I'm uninterested in the subject, being generally in a bad mood or not interested in the other people there. I understand that the empathy thing is an autistic trait but if I could get the words out at least I could fake my empathy. Don't get me wrong, I can intellectually feel empathetic but not truly feel empathy all the time.

 

[Progster]

Yes, I can relate to this. I tend to construct sentences, and I'm not very good at improvising. It's ok if it's a fact or I know the answer already without having to think about it, but if I have to plan, or tell a story with events in sequence, it's a problem. The problem is the planning and thinking ahead, i just can't do that while talking. The area in the brain used for language, and the area used for planning and logic are in different hemispheres, and it is difficult for us to coordinate the two hemispheres, whereas NTs have a much better integration, and that is why we have these difficulties. Talking and socialising need good brain hemisphere integration, but ours is not so well integrated and we struggle to switch from one to another.

Also, I need to visualise or imagine in order to speak, translate words to pictures, and I often struggle to do that during conversation.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Yes, I can relate to this. I tend to construct sentences, and I'm not very good at improvising. It's ok if it's a fact or I know the answer already without having to think about it, but if I have to plan, or tell a story with events in sequence, it's a problem. The problem is the planning and thinking ahead, i just can't do that while talking. The area in the brain used for language, and the area used for planning and logic are in different hemispheres, and it is difficult for us to coordinate the two hemispheres, whereas NTs have a much better integration, and that is why we have these difficulties. Talking and socialising need good brain hemisphere integration, but ours is not so well integrated and we struggle to switch from one to another.

Also, I need to visualise or imagine in order to speak, translate words to pictures, and I often struggle to do that during conversation.

There's a post somewhere ablut synaptic pruning which provided a complimentary view to yours, it may be of interest.
(Yes lazy over here, whoever wrote it or remembers it may step in)

 

[godofthunder24]

It brings on a lot if anxiety in these social situations and when I do speak and the attention turns to me it increases my anxiety.

 

[Progster]

There's a post somewhere ablut synaptic pruning which provided a complimentary view to yours, it may be of interest.
(Yes lazy over here, whoever wrote it or remembers it may step in)

I've heard about synaptic pruning, there is an article about it here
Children with Autism Have Extra Synapses in Brain - Columbia University Medical Center
It is talking about a something to what I'm talking about, it is a theory which might explain sensory integration issues in autism.