difficulty with gender identity

[Slithytoves]

im a little more comforted that there's more support for other genders and identities. but I have no idea why the extra dysphoria is happening lately my dreams keep coming back about being more masculine more and more and idk y

Sometimes things come in tides. It may not actually mean anything. But just out of curiosity, have you been feeling anxious about other things in your world recently? I personally find that when things are in flux or times are tough in general, I can start to feel more insecure in even unrelated areas of my life that aren't very neat and tidy.

When you are feeling especially dysphoric, does it affect your daily functioning?

 

[Tom]

I know this is off on a tangent, and admittedly a hetero limited perspective but the thought occurred to me.

I have always had a kind of paradox in attractions.

I like and am certainly attracted to 'classic' femininity. The visual and emotional aspects are captivating.

But I have also always had a thing for the Tomboys, in both young and mature versions. But there the attraction is more for traits which I find intriguing, maybe admirable. Toughness, physical, competitive, willing to get their hands dirty. These I would associate with a women warriorhood. They might kick my @ss during the day, but if I liked them enough to form a relationship the end result at night was the same both physically and emotionally as with a more typical feminine girl. It may reveals a character weakness in me, in that I have self doubts a plenty, and while the approval of any woman I liked was important for some reason the approval of the Tomboy especially meant a lot to me.

 

[JuniperBug]

Just because it's common among people with autism, doesn't mean it's a side effect.

Non binary gender is slowly becoming more accepted and there at plenty of people who understand and support it out there!!

I suggest speaking honestly about it to your therapist. A professional will not judge you.

I hope that has you get older you will feel more free to express gender in your own way.

If you're going to college, take some women's and gender studies classes and meet some open minded people.

 

[pastelbloodbath]

Sometimes things come in tides. It may not actually mean anything. But just out of curiosity, have you been feeling anxious about other things in your world recently? I personally find that when things are in flux or times are tough in general, I can start to feel more insecure in even unrelated areas of my life that aren't very neat and tidy.

When you are feeling especially dysphoric, does it affect your daily functioning?

I've been having a pretty rough time the past few months and it affects how
i look at myself and what I can do to change myself.

 

[AsheSkyler]

But I have also always had a thing for the Tomboys, in both young and mature versions. But there the attraction is more for traits which I find intriguing, maybe admirable. Toughness, physical, competitive, willing to get their hands dirty. These I would associate with a women warriorhood. They might kick my @ss during the day, but if I liked them enough to form a relationship the end result at night was the same both physically and emotionally as with a more typical feminine girl. It may reveals a character weakness in me, in that I have self doubts a plenty, and while the approval of any woman I liked was important for some reason the approval of the Tomboy especially meant a lot to me.

I hear ya, I like the male counterpart of that! I never was too fond of manly men because they often were dirty, messy, and became borderline traumatized at the mere idea of doing dishes. You get a guy that's a little soft around the edges and he'll help you with housework, child rearing, and you can have thoughtful conversations about stuff. I can appreciate a big ol' bear of a lumberjack of a man that cleans his teeth with his pocketknife, but I really prefer somebody more my size and a bit feminine who doesn't mind using a toothbrush.

Perhaps what we're both after is flexibility and functionality? I hear many husbands and boyfriends lament how they have to do all the yardwork and fix-it work by themselves because their lady friends are very feminine and devoutly against breaking a nail or breaking a sweat, same as how many wives and girlfriends are frustrated their gentlemen friends are devoutly against doing anything that would make them look like a domesticated sissy. If I was a lesbian I'd want a fellow tomboy too because I'd think they'd be more willing to get things done than a girly girl. Girly girls are cute and all, and may make good counselors and decorators, but frustrating to be around when you to get a toad out of the tent while camping.

 

[Tom]

I hear ya, I like the male counterpart of that! I never was too fond of manly men because they often were dirty, messy, and became borderline traumatized at the mere idea of doing dishes. You get a guy that's a little soft around the edges and he'll help you with housework, child rearing, and you can have thoughtful conversations about stuff. I can appreciate a big ol' bear of a lumberjack of a man that cleans his teeth with his pocketknife, but I really prefer somebody more my size and a bit feminine who doesn't mind using a toothbrush.

Perhaps what we're both after is flexibility and functionality? I hear many husbands and boyfriends lament how they have to do all the yardwork and fix-it work by themselves because their lady friends are very feminine and devoutly against breaking a nail or breaking a sweat, same as how many wives and girlfriends are frustrated their gentlemen friends are devoutly against doing anything that would make them look like a domesticated sissy. If I was a lesbian I'd want a fellow tomboy too because I'd think they'd be more willing to get things done than a girly girl. Girly girls are cute and all, and may make good counselors and decorators, but frustrating to be around when you to get a toad out of the tent while camping.

Yes I think exactly so. I think of it as a partnership as well as companionship. I do speak Cro-Magnon but its a learned thing, not my natural. And I don't see women as a separate species. Its funny you mention chores, as at the moment I do the dishes, laundry, housework and even learned basic cooking. There are different stages to relationships and life and interchangeability is an asset. Something I always remember humorously was being on my first military exercise with my future wife, before we even started dating. She was standing talking to some people outside a bunker in full chemical warfare gear, baggy suit, ugly boots, gloves and gas mask, looking like something out of a nightmare. And I was watching her from a distance all starry eyed and thinking how pretty she was.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Yes I think exactly so. I think of it as a partnership as well as companionship. I do speak Cro-Magnon but its a learned thing, not my natural. And I don't see women as a separate species. Its funny you mention chores, as at the moment I do the dishes, laundry, housework and even learned basic cooking. There are different stages to relationships and life and interchangeability is an asset. Something I always remember humorously was being on my first military exercise with my future wife, before we even started dating. She was standing talking to some people outside a bunker in full chemical warfare gear, baggy suit, ugly boots, gloves and gas mask, looking like something out of a nightmare. And I was watching her from a distance all starry eyed and thinking how pretty she was.

True beauty shines through any outfit.

I can't really figure out how a lot of chores became divided by gender. Or at least, stay divided by gender today. A lot of people live by themselves these days, so it seems pretty crucial women be fairly versed in vehicle maintenance and men be able to handle a vacuum cleaner.

 

[Slithytoves]

I've been having a pretty rough time the past few months and it affects how i look at myself and what I can do to change myself.

I'm sorry to hear that. I live with major depression, and a good bout of that now and then can bring my life to a grinding halt, undoing years of progress until it's over. A life in limbo is really frustrating. I really hope your therapist can help you get things into perspective so you can move forward.

If it helps, there really is nothing wrong with embracing both the masculine and feminine in yourself. You may find that it has advantages down the line, being able to choose which parts of you to access for different purposes. You will find your own style and what feels comfortable to you as a whole person. If you want friendship and partnership, you will find others who can understand you. The journey you're on may very well make you a richer, more insightful and compassionate person than you would be if everything was more clear-cut. That's what I've found, anyway. Just be kind to yourself through all of this and I think you'll find it does get easier.

I never was too fond of manly men because they often were dirty, messy, and became borderline traumatized at the mere idea of doing dishes. You get a guy that's a little soft around the edges and he'll help you with housework, child rearing, and you can have thoughtful conversations about stuff.

Perhaps what we're both after is flexibility and functionality?

My experiences with über-manly men have all ended pretty predictably. I'm actually too strong a personality for them, as they seem to need the balance of a more feminine, yielding woman. It's a clash of the Titans almost from the get-go. On the other hand, if a man is too wimpy I'll just steamroll him. I do much better with the rare well-rounded dude who is masculine and strong but still embraces his anima (and knows what an "anima" actually is). Somebody who can challenge me and keep me in line when need it, but can also cook a mean casserole, knows how to clean a bathroom and can talk about his emotions in something other than grunts and bellows. Not easy to find, but it makes the having so much sweeter.

There are different stages to relationships and life and interchangeability is an asset.

BAM! There it is. Define roles too perfectly by gender and the relationship isn't flexible enough to deal with much. Not without somebody sacrificing disproportionately. I like knowing my mate is able to step in wherever needed, and I am ready to do it in return.

 

[Thaddeus]

I can't say I have a well formed identity on any facet, but I live as a man. A confident yet shy man... I feel extremely uncomfortable with the gender role of having to pursue and woo a woman. Basically for fear of making her uncomfortable. I wish my interactions with women could be a lot more mutual. I hate the shy, timid, "you aren't going to rape me are you?", type of woman. I much prefer friendly lesbian women. They are so wonderful. Unfortunately I have the wrong parts for them :/

I have described myself as a lesbian trapped in a man's body. Its not fun. :/

 

[Ylva]

I have described myself as a lesbian trapped in a man's body. Its not fun. :/

I wonder if one can be homosexual but heteroromantic, or vice versa. If so it's probably close to what is called "transoriented", if not the exact same thing.

 

[Beverly]

I wonder if one can be homosexual but heteroromantic, or vice versa. If so it's probably close to what is called "transoriented", if not the exact same thing.

I don't see why not. it's very possible to be asexual and heteroromantic, homoromantic, biromantic or, aromantic. Why wouldn't any sexual orientation and any gender identity be possible with any romantic orientation?

 

[Datura]

Forgive the sideshow connotations, but if I were to define my gender I would say that I am part boy, part girl, and all woman.
What I mean by this is that I was born, biologically a boy, but never felt comfortable as such. I had many "girly" qualities and desires which I was constantly chided for in childhood. Even so, I was still a typical boy in many other respects. As an adult I transitioned to become a woman, both anatomically and socially, but I still feel I am very much the product of my past and retain many boyish qualities.

While seeking medical help there was also a strong emphasis on "proving" I was the woman I said I was. This forced me to internalize a lot of gender stereotypes I never really believed in to begin with, and made me feel very insecure about my masculine traits. Having moved beyond this I realize it's all BS. Prescriptive gender roles are oppressive nonsense. Your gender identity or anatomy should have no bearing on what you do or how you express yourself. Depending on my mood I might be super girly, kind of butch, neutral, or a total gender f$#%. These aren't so much different identities for me as they are varying modes of self expression.

pastelbloodbath, I would suggest you do talk with your psychologist about this, granted you do trust them. If, however, they try to invalidate your feelings by blaming them on Asperger's then I suggest you find a new shrink. First, because correlation does not equal causality, and second, because having autism does not make one's feelings or self concept invalid.

As for that correlation; I have certainly noticed it in my interactions with the trans and asexual communities. I can think of at least six individuals I have met in person who are both gender non-conforming and on the spectrum.

 

[Cerulean]

Back before I knew about aspergers, but have always known I'm somehow different, gender dysphoria is one of the things I thought I "had". I still don't really identify as a particular gender, but I think that might have something to do with having to pass as NT and adjust my behaviors and image accordingly to fit in. The most freeing things, where I don't have to look a certain way or pander to anybody's preferences, are hiking alone and riding my motorcycle. And when I am doing those things, I don't feel like anything in particular.