Disclosing my autism to my church?

[autism-and-autotune]

If they are a nice pastor and church, they should understand and be accommodating.
Autism is not a sin.
But I can understand fear of judgment. As long as they do not make you feel less then who you are. But hope you can feel comfortable enough to tell them and you will feel welcomed and validated in the church.

Well that's the thing--the people do seem to be nice and understanding. Yet a lot of them are older and may not be so keen or knowledged on what 'younger folks' are going through these days. Autism isn't a sin, sure, but the fear of judgement of having been born differently is definitely a weight on my shoulders. Between the two, I'd rather them find out about my autism than my agnosticism.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Something cited many times here, where most of us tend to agree.

A simple "rule of thumb". Keep it on a "need-to-know" basis only.

Does your church really need to know? - I don't think so.

You're right, and this is the opinion shared by my fiance as well.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Churches are not all alike and it's pretty tough to advise on this without knowing the people and the culture.
I would say maybe don't. Not all people are safe to trust with that sort of thing.

True, very true; sometimes no matter how nice people seem, it's the thing which their involved in that might display their true colours. It's tricky because of infodumping. Maybe I just need a therapist. I'm trying to work on that.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

It sounds like you're just processing through it. It might help to write about it in a journal where you can explore your thoughts about the 'why' and 'what do you hope to achieve" in greater detail. Some further thoughts, aimed at avoiding being repetitious of the good advice above:


What if you got to know them better? Are any of them in a Bible Study group you could join? Does anyone play in a band out of church? Maybe you could stop by during a weeknight and just jam with them as friends. It could cure the loneliness without putting you at risk of being mis-judged.


Yeah.

In my brief experience with it, the consequences have been very negative, complete with empathetically stated denial about it and a refusal by the other person to talk about it any further.

Just from my own experience, I'd be very careful about who I told and why.


You are not going to like this, but you should stick around for coffee hour. Find one person who you might like to get to know better and talk to just that person. Even if you only stick around for 15 minutes at first. After a couple of weeks, add a second person and add another 15 minutes. You might ask, what do you talk about? Easy. You don't talk about yourself; you go in with a script of friendly questions and let the other person do all the talking. Anticipate that they'll just be interested in common, public knowledge things about you, like how long you've been playing, what got you interested in music, and where you think you might to go with it in the future. So having a few pat answers pre-prepared as talking points can help you get through the 'small talk'.

BTW, no one on the outside knows what masking is. Besides, so many people are dealing with their own issues--problems at work or at home, or their own existential drama--that that doesn't really make for a good conversational starting point. It makes them too aware of their own problems. BUT, finding a topic that you both share a lot of common ground over makes for an excellent ice-breaker in making a new friend.


I get that. I offered to sing a song to a friend, to see if they had heard it before, but with the talking going on around me and feeling vulnerable for even stepping into the limelight, I froze and they decided to move on without whatever I might have contributed.


Yup, journal it. It might help.

Yep; processing it has been a struggle. I've been keeping journals for over a decade, but I agree with you that it would be better for me to jot down the why of everything. But it's different because in my journals because I only have my perspective but here I get the perspective of everyone else.

Those are good suggestions. Joining a Bible-study would be tricky, as I don't really believe in religion. But as far as other musicians---I'm already involved in their choir as an accompanist, and the season will be beginning soon.

I agree that who I'd tell is definitely an important aspect. There are a couple individuals who I trust, but how deep that trust and knowledge goes is only so far. I'm not really buddy-buddy with anyone, but I think it's because I feel so alien already due to my autism.

I agree that I should stick around for coffee-hour--the deterrent is that by that time, I'm completely out of energy and my level of socialbility is at a low. Well, generally. There are times where I can talk with one or two people on more than a small-talk level, but not for long. Yet some of these conversations have already happened with a few people, and the scriptedness is something I'd become used to.

Usually what I do is scope out the room, and read it, and determine 1) if there are folks who I might like to talk to and 2) how much energy I have left to even have a simple greeting or two. Generally if I get the feel that both of those things aren't a possibility, it's exit stage left for me.

Very very true, and I often forget that others don't know what masking is. But couldn't 'masking' also be folks pretending their life is fine when they're in turmoil or struggling with something?

Yep, i feel very vulnerable too at some points during my work. It's really scary to flounder and say "All right brain, why do we have no idea what we're doing? We're a musician so why can't you let me just play correctly?"

Thank you very much for your insight

 

[Gerontius]

Well that's the thing--the people do seem to be nice and understanding. Yet a lot of them are older and may not be so keen or knowledged on what 'younger folks' are going through these days. Autism isn't a sin, sure, but the fear of judgement of having been born differently is definitely a weight on my shoulders. Between the two, I'd rather them find out about my autism than my agnosticism.

I was actually more open about my lack of faith, because I thought it would be a matter pertaining to faith and therefore of tangentially related interests.

The clergy (Catholic priests in this case) seemed more accepting and were open to listening. I don't want to not believe in God and good things; it's just that I do not believe in the ultra traditionalist side of church culture I was raised around. And it's hard to believe in Supply-Side Republican Jesus.

Anyway the autism thing is something I would not disclose to many people. Trust me they can tell you are different; coworkers at the plant can tell something is off. But I think it's still something I am keeping hidden.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Depends the kind of people they are, it could help them understand and treat you maybe better, or not if they don't understand about autism. If for them is just another mental illness you won't get much i guess.

I agree; they could just know more about me and not so much autism in general. Perhaps I'm so adamant about this because one churchgoer is bringing up her son who has autism and how difficult life is for him at times. Maybe it's just...a relatability thing I'm seeking.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

I was actually more open about my lack of faith, because I thought it would be a matter pertaining to faith and therefore of tangentially related interests.

The clergy (Catholic priests in this case) seemed more accepting and were open to listening. I don't want to not believe in God and good things; it's just that I do not believe in the ultra traditionalist side of church culture I was raised around. And it's hard to believe in Supply-Side Republican Jesus.

Anyway the autism thing is something I would not disclose to many people. Trust me they can tell you are different; coworkers at the plant can tell something is off. But I think it's still something I am keeping hidden.

Oh, interesting!

Yeah, I side with your logic completely.

 

[Kern]

Hi, I have the some kind of problem in my church. Exactly the same. I will write my opinion after reading all the discussion. It takes a bit time as English is not my native language. This thread is just for me. Thanks for sharing

 

[autism-and-autotune]

When contemplating whether to disclose one's autism to others, there are some questions to work through. Do you really trust this person? Does this person seem likely to understand? Does this person even need to know?

Some people can be understanding and supportive while others might not. Everyone here gets what autism is like because we live with it. That is not the case for the public in general. Some people might even be touched that you trust them enough to disclose something this personal. For others, it might be more information than they can handle or want to know.

There are a lot of aspects about myself that I don't discuss with others. Perhaps it's a defense mechanism on my part. I tend to be very cautious about who I allow to get close to me. Just my 2¢.

Wait, did I accidentally not reply to your comment? I'm sorry!

Yes--your questions are good things I should keep in mind. I'm grateful for people who might not know about it yet are willing to listen, but the issues is just finding those folks.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Hi, I have the some kind of problem in my church. Exactly the same. I will write my opinion after reading all the discussion. It takes a bit time as English is not my native language. This thread is just for me. Thanks for sharing

I look forward to your addition to the discussion!

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

Well that's the thing--the people do seem to be nice and understanding. Yet a lot of them are older and may not be so keen or knowledged on what 'younger folks' are going through these days. Autism isn't a sin, sure, but the fear of judgement of having been born differently is definitely a weight on my shoulders. Between the two, I'd rather them find out about my autism than my agnosticism.

Yes it is true, you can fear it. It is a fear I have as well because I do not necessarily get along with all people well, it can be masking for me. And as a Christian you are supposed to love others but I cannot get along well with all people but it doesn't mean you cannot be polite if you come into contact with them.
God loves people who are different even if you doubt it. But yes you can be judged by being different and sometimes by churches. But I hope they will accept you.
I do not think pastors would be mean to autistics if they are very nice, they might just like to know a bit about autism.
And whether you tell the rest of the congregation is your business, you do not have to if you do not want to. It is confronting a lot of people knowing because autistic people can be different and it can be hard to appear normal like everyone else.

 

[GypsyMoth]

Hey @autism-and-autotune, some great thoughts here. I can see you're a very reflective individual.

Yep; processing it has been a struggle. I've been keeping journals for over a decade, but I agree with you that it would be better for me to jot down the why of everything. But it's different because in my journals because I only have my perspective but here I get the perspective of everyone else.

That's a really good point about why to share here.

Those are good suggestions. Joining a Bible-study would be tricky, as I don't really believe in religion. ...

You never know. Your joining a Bible study to get to know people wouldn't be the first time someone's done that.

...I'm not really buddy-buddy with anyone, but I think it's because I feel so alien already due to my autism.

I am never buddy-buddy with anyone. I stopped trying years ago. But it sets people to rest and they think if you listen to them, then you must be like them--even if they never ask anything about you and you volunteer very little. I do a lot of smiling and asking the same types of questions over and over, which I am surprised by how over the years has never generated any inquiries as to why I do that.

I agree that I should stick around for coffee-hour--the deterrent is that by that time, I'm completely out of energy and my level of socialbility is at a low. Well, generally.

Mmm. Memorize three inquisitive statements/questions you can use and let the other person carry the conversation. If you know John's kid is heading off to college this fall, then before you leave your home, add a "Hey John, so, John Jr. is heading off to college soon?" to your script. John will be pleased you remembered and gladly fill in the rest with lots of details. (It doesn't matter if you already knew he was leaving on the 14th. That you already know is beside the point.) (Hope I'm not being too pedantic. Sorry if I am.)

Usually what I do is scope out the room, and read it, and determine 1) if there are folks who I might like to talk to and 2) how much energy I have left to even have a simple greeting or two. Generally if I get the feel that both of those things aren't a possibility, it's exit stage left for me.

For #1, I like to go in knowing ahead of time who I want to talk with. It helps when I already know ahead of time what I want to say to them. Adding this might help with #2. And for #3, exiting stage left, I try to ask questions as the other person talks so that I don't have to talk, although it helps to know beforehand what I ought to ask. (I tend to pull this off rather seamlessly but once in a while I am caught quite speechless, like when approached suddenly by a friend at the store or something. Then I end up with egg on my face because sometimes I rather blather.)

Very very true, and I often forget that others don't know what masking is. But couldn't 'masking' also be folks pretending their life is fine when they're in turmoil or struggling with something?

So, I read up on the CAT-Q, because surely I'm an NT, right? The bottom line is, they really don't mask all that much. I don't know how turmoil might figure in the picture but I get the idea it's a lot less than an ND might.

Yep, i feel very vulnerable too at some points during my work. It's really scary to flounder and say "All right brain, why do we have no idea what we're doing? We're a musician so why can't you let me just play correctly?"

Shoot, I try not to ask questions like that. Too scary.

Thank you very much for your insight

 

[paloftoon]

I'd suggest you look for autistic social groups that are to be kept completely separate from your religious life if you have time and possibly also seek out a therapist where such issues can be more private and feedback will be positive for your growth. Since your wife is married to you and is definitely on-board with you as a person, she can join you to these other places and spaces, but probably no one else in this religious circle unless you super know them well that they would not judge so improperly and potentially mess your life up over "nothing".

 

[Jeff T]

It sounds as though you are doing okay, as of now.
If you tell them, what do you wish will happen? How likely is that?
What is the worst that can happen? What is the risk for that to occur?

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

I think telling the congregation is a nice idea. You could even have a sermon where you talk about autism and adhd. It would make a whole lot of people in the congregation feel welcomed and accepted.

 

[Kern]

Hi, I didn't have a time to read the thread. Try to do it today but I think I don't tell the community about my my AS.
I will speak to the Pastor only. It is necessary in my conditions. People don't accept people who stay outside the society. I'm sure gossips has started in my church. Person like me is a troublemaker from their point of view. It happend to me many times. Now I want to stay in the group. Some action is needed to prevent me from gossips and misunderstanding.

 

[Kern]

Finally I agree what Outdated stated at the beginning. Nothing good is coming out of involving people in our vulnerability. I will speak to Pastor only. Good luck.

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[autism-and-autotune]

Finally I agree what Outdated stated at the beginning. Nothing good is coming out of involving people in our vulnerability. I will speak to Pastor only. Good luck.

​

Thanks for your insight

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Hi, I didn't have a time to read the thread. Try to do it today but I think I don't tell the community about my my AS.
I will speak to the Pastor only. It is necessary in my conditions. People don't accept people who stay outside the society. I'm sure gossips has started in my church. Person like me is a troublemaker from their point of view. It happened to me many times. Now I want to stay in the group. Some action is needed to prevent me from gossips and misunderstanding.

I'm sorry to hear that others view you as a trouble-maker; that's really not fair.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

I think telling the congregation is a nice idea. You could even have a sermon where you talk about autism and adhd. It would make a whole lot of people in the congregation feel welcomed and accepted.

That would be a super interesting idea for a sermon! I've never thought of that before. I'd feel obligated to tie it in with something related to faith, but...hmm. I'll ruminate on this for a while.