Disclosure - It can be a landmine

[DogzSpirit]

In my real life, I have disclosed (Aspergers)diagnosis to one person... My husband. I regretted it almost immediately.

Upon that disclosure, the only response was "Great, now that you know what it is, fix it!"

This man is acutely wired for debate. If he went to a psychiatrist, he would most likely receive a diagnosis of his own, as many NT would. He values his being normal, intelligent and at some point in his younger years tested and joined Mensa. Long before I recognized my own wiring as being Aspergers, I would attempt to engage him in discussion, to widen that IQ perspective. I believe that IQ scores pale in comparison with EQ, and MQ scores. Yes Emotional and Moral intelligence are a potent intelligence, which affects our path and thus success.

It has been a good many months, since that disclosure. Now out of the blue, (Maybe he is bored?) he is up for debate regarding spectrum disorders. He stated, "This is an interesting subject." At the time I type this, He is consulting NIMH (Natl Institute of Mental Health) and the CDC for this "developmental disorder". Quotes from those sites are being offered up to me sporadically, as he wears his headphones and listens to music.

I did manage to get a word in to say: "I appreciate your researching this. If the reason is you would like to learn more about me, that is wonderful. However, I get the feeling this is for debate, with labels such as disfunction and disability, vs differences in wiring. I said you will not be able to be taught about Aspergers, by me. I recommend you research. I have discovered some great videos and other sources for information. You will learn more and then we can engage and hopefully support one another for our different and unique wiring."

He loves debate, so this is acceptable for his needs. However, If I am going to speak of something that is so personal to me, it cannot be discussion which exclude whom I am, and speaks of CDC clinical terms, or advancement of his understanding of how this is not a disability. Not only can this benefit us, but it already has. My wiring has made me a powerful partner to have by his side. Those differences are indeed what attracted him to me initially.

I have sent him back to further research this. He said he intends, so he can have a lively debate about this, for he would enjoy that. I can only hope his research takes weeks. What did I do to deserve this... I disclosed! Even the dog noticed (not being fictitious) the debate aspect of this, and didn't look too happy. Yes, a dog knows better.

A wonderful person posted a video link "Aspergers from the inside". I am trying to send that link over for review as well. However he is scientific based, and may not consider that to be fact. Any other resources you may have for a NT spouse, would be appreciated.

What do others do, after disclosure, when met with debate?

I never would have opened up this can of worms had I known this would happen. Well it is open now, and the mess is in front of me.

Have many of you sought a mediator that is a trained professional, so that conversations regarding the AT spouse, does not go in a counterproductive direction?

It appears that would be the wisest move, to find that professional that would redirect and guide us back to a more constructive outcome.

 

[Aspychata]

I would be tempted to ask what is his desired outcome of this debate? Because this is so personal to you, it maybe hard to seperate your feelings from hard cold debate. I, being on the spectrum , would naturally take it to a whole new level.☺

Chess clocks, each side gets five mins to discuss a idea. The other person gets five mins to agree or disagree. Then that person gets five mins to discuss their point.

This takes his almost obessive (destructive need) to debate things that are very personal and trivialize it. Everything is fair in my book to bring things to people's attention but l am definitely not a sheeple.

Of course you would spring this on him the minute the debate landed. And pull out a chalkboard too. Just to add to the festive activities. To keep track.

Of course whoever loses, has to do something, (backrub, cook dinner, clean the toilet). Attach a condition to the end of the debate. I bet he won't debate anything for awhile with you.......

Or maybe you have your own creative solution. Lol Not really convinced that a *professional * is really the only answer.

 

[watersprite]

It appears that would be the wisest move, to find that professional that would redirect and guide us back to a more constructive outcome.

Why is it that only you are on the table for debate? That seems a double standard.

He is your partner and as such needs to put himself out there for debate too.
Tit for tat.

Yep. Go to a pro - the best you can find.

Or find him a new topic?

 

[tree]

What is Debate?

Having a "debate" with someone would not be my idea
of a pleasant or fulfilling way of interacting.

It doesn't even make sense to me
why anyone would want to *debate* the topic
of asperger's syndrome/autism.

 

[Crossbreed]

He values his being normal,
intelligent and at some point in his younger years
tested and joined Mensa.

Not all Aspies are gifted,
but many, many gifteds are Aspies
(and even many of those who aren't Aspies cope with the same social abnormality that we do

).

I have better numbers for savants:
10% of autistics are savant;
90% of savants are autistic.

(All three conditions [autism, giftedness & savantism] are forms of neuro-diversity.

)

 

[DogzSpirit]

Well I have an update. Yes, you heard that right, it didn't take him weeks of research. He quickly shared his latest find online, that compares ADDH vs Autism in children, no less. He thinks my traits are more likely ADDH. The Doctor has spoken. lol I did inform him that even professionals often mistake areas like ADDH, OCD and Bipolar for Aspergers. I said an Aspergers diagnosis is not simply what is visible from the outside, but rather what is going on inside. To focus on a list, that a parent uses in observing a 5 year olds behavior, ignores what an intelligent adult can share regarding the emotional thinking end of this, that usually incorporates coping and masking skills.

I also requested that if he do research, do not focus on a website that discusses babies and male children. I am an adult, and a woman, and much has been noted about that old manner of thinking that that mainly males are Autie or Aspies. I said show some respect in referring to adult behavior when comparing such to myself.

He said he cannot accept this self diagnosis, and I informed him I can accept that manner of thinking. I then informed him that disclosure often goes as such, and I shall seek a diagnosis when we return to the US.

@watersprite I did point out that his wiring deserves recognition as well. That it is not good for him to want to inspect what of me is beyond that of the norm, without acknowledging areas of self.

@Aspychata Your suggestion for taking timed turns, is something I put in place a long time ago. Sadly I had not remembered that for the above conversation. He literally droned on, without any breaks for me to comment, with areas he found interesting about my personality. When he would get to a portion that irritated him, he would stop and say "If this is attributed to your having Aspergers, then I will try to ignore it". The message I received from that long (we are talking 15 mins or more at a time) delivery of thought, is that surely everything that he finds exasperating about my personality, may be attributed to this spectrum disorder. During these moments I could not help but remember than he had 'diagnosed' me with ADDH instead. Next time I shall put in place the 5 minute timer. It really works quite well, for it is the unbelievable length of the communication, nonstop, rather than the communication itself, which dooms the communication.

Yeah, I'd like a damn back rub out of this, but the toilet is closer/more fitting as to where this entire subject and how it is being approached belongs... lol. As for keeping track and debate grading, I wouldn't even know where to start (lol-any suggestions how to make this unfunny thing fun are welcome).

@tree I agree, this is not a subject for debate. Seek that amusement elsewhere. I really believe he wanted to knock this around and disprove the self diagnosis. I explained, I will discuss if you take the time to educate yourself. I am open for discussion if you do that. Discussion to benefit us as a team/partnership. I am not going to educate you myself when there is so much great info online about Aspergers Women.

@Crossbreed very cool interesting info on savants and %!

I sent him a video which another member shared. It is really wonderful and I thank that member who share it earlier. Even with the person who made the video describing Aspergers from a male perspective, it really resonates/speaks of how I have felt!

Giving credit to @ForestGumpett for sharing this video: ForestGumpett said: ↑
Here is the youtube channel I was telling you about and the fellow named Paul - I think he’s excellent! Again, lots of videos on dating and telling others too.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC-FpBZR7DbpvNj5UrFN8qUA


(Breaking for dinner lol... I do hope that video gives him thought as to what he is asking, when he asks me to be more like him in my body language, facial expressions and responses!)

 

[Crossbreed]

He said he cannot accept this self diagnosis, and I informed him I can accept that manner of thinking.

You should have him take an on-line autism screening test, just for "grins & giggles..."

 

[Judge]

Despite so many of us emphasizing "need-to-know" basis only, for most of us I suspect we learn from similar experiences. Where we are gravely disappointed by even our closest relatives, friends or spouses.

I suppose in this case you might emphasize to your spouse that on an individual basis there are any number of traits and behaviors that can be "hard-wired" to our brains. Where we have limited or no control over them at all. That this is not a disease, nor is there a cure.

As far as self-diagnosis goes, the odds are quite high that your suspicions will pan out in a positive diagnosis.

Yeah. It's a bitter pill to swallow when it comes to anticipating how our loved ones take such information.

 

[DogzSpirit]

Well I shared that video.

My husbands take on this: The video is was well done. Paul explained himself well, and this is how he should present in public and not expect normal people to welcome strange behavior. He saw a person putting up a front when doing the video. He thought the person was demonstrating 'normal' behavior. He said Paul was demonstrating masking.

I am a little embarrassed to admit this, but... Keep in mind, maybe my perspective of this video is off? I do not feel the person in the video is masking. But then again, I have a hard time reading social cues. Curious as to other peoples opinion of the video.. their take?

My take: I see someone being himself. I know 2 people with Aspergers, and I never noted a difference, so what do I know? Maybe I do not see differences in behavior amongst those who have Aspergers. Keep in mind, I am very inclusive. I like quirky and up a front people. People who are fake do not appeal to me.

Thus: I explained this is not masking. Masking comes mainly when interacting. Masking is what I do when with your friends, who cannot handle me as I am. I spare you embarrassment. I am quieter. I ask questions. Wait while other people talk without interrupting. I try not to talk too much, and smile when others do.

Being able to speak about a subject of interest uninterrupted is very Aspergers. That monolog in the video fits that bill perfectly. I can go on, and on, when excited about a subject, and might not even realize if someone is not interested till too late.

He went on to debate that this person in the video was 'pretending' to be normal.

I said so how would you describe my presentation when I organized my recreational socials, with my friends. I pointed out that is the real me. He said that only works with that group, because they are not really normal people, and they do not count. Yikes... The Doctor has spoken. Maybe he should offer free diagnosis consults for those members... This is way too nuts for me. I feel like I fell into Alice in Wonderland's rabbit hole!

My head is spinning. Wish I never disclosed!

 

[DogzSpirit]

You should have him take an on-line autism screening test, just for "grins & giggles..."

Definitely has something going on in his NT wiring.
Let's remember he picked me because I was so different... Refreshing... Not boring... Careful what you wish for... lol.

 

[DogzSpirit]

All jokes aside... It is a rather bitter pill to swallow when disclosure presents this nonsense.

 

[Fino]

I would probably just pretend to agree with him, but perhaps I have an exaggerated aversion to conflict.

 

[DogzSpirit]

I hope posting this thread, is an example to others of what can backfire in areas of disclosure.

In hindsight, I would recommend researching the hell out of this, interviewing professionals that are well versed in neurodiversity/spectrum till you find one that is competent, then getting a diagnosis for the non believers, finding RL connections/friendship with other Aspies, and then, only then if you must present this, you will at least be prepared with diagnosis in hand, much information and experience, for what may be a backlash from the person you very close with and are disclosing that diagnosis to. I would not even touch disclosure with those who do not need to know/Definitely not an employer.

This to me is an intimacy. If you wouldn't share details of sensuality with a person, then you should likely pass on this too... Need to know basis, defined by something deeply personal. Furthermore, I would, if seeking a life partner, find someone whom is wired as such. There appear to be many amazing Aspies out there, and why wouldn't you seek out someone who has an open mind and greater acceptance of others!!??

 

[Alexej]

Upon that disclosure, the only response was "Great, now that you know what it is, fix it!"

As I read the thread I was struck by this line. Fixing ASC is not possible as far as I have understood.

 

[DogzSpirit]

As I read the thread I was struck by this line. Fixing ASC is not possible as far as I have understood.

@Alexej That was the off-putting line that he said... agreed.

I mentioned that comment to him yesterday, and he didn't even remember stating that. I said when you speak, choose your words responsibly, for if indeed you do not remember a statement like that, then not much thought went into it. You are asking me to think before I speak with others. You expecting me to mask and put much energy into that process. Then you can put a similar energy into considering your words, before they are spoken.

If it's difficult I get that. For I put myself through that process all the time.

But @Alexej, back to your comment:

Not only isn't it something that can be fixed... I wouldn't want to be fixed. We have a right to be liked for whom we are, not despite these facets. I actually like (Thank you mom) who I am, even though it makes others (particularly those in my husbands circle) take a step back. I. do believe this is what he was attracted to as he called me refreshing, different from others and never boring. In essence he was drawn to this. It is his need to conform to society, and his desire to be accepted, that limits what he can accept in others over the long haul. I do believe his embarrassment stems from his considering me as representing him. Thus, this is his handicap, that need to fit in to the point of sacrificing that which at one point he found delightful.

I believe that NT people mask as well, and conform to societies standards on a regular basis. They just do it on more of an auto pilot mode. A good example is sexuality. In mainstream society, people even sacrifice what they feel in that area, to being a good boy or good girl, and ignore their most primal and sensual cravings. They tone it down to fit into that vanilla society that is so widely accepted, and often end up miserable. That said, NT are very willing to sacrifice facets of whom they are, and that is just one example/area.

I have heard people say that their spectrum wiring, is their superpower. I at times found an energy in this wiring, that pushes me to success. I harnessed that energy to my advantage. I wasn't sure of the source of that energy. My mother thought it was wonderful, that I was unique, but that is unconditional love for ya!

Before I honed in on this being Aspergers, I truly did believe I was ADD. I had a doctor in front of me that said "Don't get treated for this. It definitely is a good energy for you. You present very well, are energized, enjoyable to speak to, and it would be a shame to medicate this with ADD meds." He was a medical Doctor (not in the mental health field) who thought 'this" was ADD.

I am sure that I am not the only one that was Aspergers, and thought it was something else.

I will do the diagnosis now, for I can see how this would be a sticking point for a partnership, be it a relationship that is spousal, or a very close friendship. I haven't given up on finding close friends, and I believe this knowledge and experience on this message board, will add to my being more powerful in that journey.

 

[Tom]

Just keep throwing the stick and keep him busy. Our plans are near complete. The age of NTs is over. The dawn of NDs approaches!

 

[Crossbreed]

Short of full disclosure (if it applies), own your nerdiness/geekiness.
If the person finds those traits endearing, then --and only then-- you can inform them that it is the least severe form of autism.

 

[Alexej]

Not only isn't it something that can be fixed... I wouldn't want to be fixed. We have a right to be liked for whom we are, not despite these facets

Indeed - amen

 

[Ken]

Upon that disclosure, the only response was "Great, now that you know what it is, fix it!"

Yep, I got that too.

In April 2019 at the age of 67, after discovering what autism is, I self-diagnosed myself. It was never a secret that throughout all my life there is something very fundamentally wrong with me. But circumstances happened to align, and I got married. Due to my autism, however, there has been lots of difficulties. Upon learning what autism is, I realized that that was me. It explains all of the difficulties and issues of my life. I was probably a bit over elated to realize that I wasn’t just retarded and that there was an actual reason I am the way I am and that there are others like me. With that elation, I told my wife what I had learned and that, with no possible doubt, I am autistic.

With that, she said that since I am a life-long engineer, I should be able to figure out how to “compensate” to make things all normal. I think it actually made her angry that I hadn’t “fixed” it years ago. It should be pointed out, however, that I deeply love my wife. I am in deep gratitude to her. She has filled bottomless pits in my life. She is my social buffer. She is not a monster. She is (was) simply ignorant about autism. so I think I understand your situation.

I believe that a part of my autism makes me unable to compete. Anytime an activity starts to feel like a competition, I am almost completely disabled. Therefore, I am unable to “debate” – at least in person. If I try or am forced to debate or compete, it always goes bad.

In any event, I do not believe it is valid to make a discussion about autism a contest. To me, a debate is a competition. I wonder if perhaps your husband is a bit narcissistic. I do not believe it is valid for someone, who has just recently learned about a subject to debate someone who has lived the subject since conception. At least for me, and I suspect all autistic’s; autism is my life. I’ve never known anything else. How can someone debate my life with me?

 

[DogzSpirit]

Yep, I got that too.
In any event, I do not believe it is valid to make a discussion about autism a contest. To me, a debate is a competition. I wonder if perhaps your husband is a bit narcissistic. I do not believe it is valid for someone, who has just recently learned about a subject to debate someone who has lived the subject since conception. At least for me, and I suspect all autistic’s; autism is my life. I’ve never known anything else. How can someone debate my life with me?

I agree, and I do believe that irregardless of if a person is skating the narcissistic edge, or simply unable to relate to that which he/she has not experienced, that intelligence should take hold. That person should have questions of course regarding Spectrum mindsets, and quite frankly a hell of a lot of research should fill the gaps of this unknown area, before a discussion is broached. So to send a spouse to do that research prior to discussion is a reasonable request. I made that request, and let's see how that materializes.

I am not up for debate. I know things are boring with this covid crisis inflicted upon us, however, find a different source of amusement.

Yes, at this point this is deeply personal. Somehow by being nurtured in childhood, I have managed to make what could have been a greater challenge into a positive. Those that do not understand the challenge, which runs through one's entire life... are likely have a deficit in empathetic areas. They cannot even get where they are falling short in asking us to fix, what doesn't get fixed, doesn't need to be fixed, but rather needs to be understood for all it is.

That said my husband truly wants me to be happy, and has been supportive in other ways.