With great risk to my reputation lol I am afraid, due to childhood issues, I have a tendency to get obsessed with pornography, by just watching it and observing, strangely; even if it did create feelings, I never acted on it, again due to childhood issues.
Despite being an aspie, somehow, I have become EXCELLENT with flirting. It is like a switch inside goes on and I am away. At first, I loved it and had such a struggle getting past it. You see, being married and a christian, caused me to feel embarrassed that I feel me when I flirt and being saucy. I would get the "look" from my husband, to say: you have gone too far, because sometimes I did not realise I was flirting.
Well, one time on the internet, I answered a question on some woman who wanted to know how to be more sexy for her husband and said that if she emailed me, I would offer some advice and stupidly went on to say that I won't say out on the forum because I will get guys emailing me and that is too dangerous. Oh I got am email but from a guy and at first, I was pretty good and just accepting his compliments, but somewhere along the line, it got worse and I let myself down BIG TIME and ouch, agreed in the end to do cybersex with him. It thankfully did not get to that, but sadly and horribly shamefully, I got obsessed with talking sex and put in search for cybersex and boy did I get a lot lol So, I joined this site and I could not believe the amount of men getting in contact with me and saying how they found me beautiful and genuine; almost like going back in time, to old fashioned naughtiness and I was like in seventh heaven.
This obsession took over my life; nothing in my life meant anything to me; I needed sex constantly ie to talk about it! My poor husband was oblivious to all this going on. I kept making excuses for my behaviour, to my self saying: better to flirt on line than do it in life! Oh, how the heart is treacherous. Not that this is anything to be proud of, but it was all talk and I refused to show myself.
So, one day, my husband wants to look at my computer ( for innocent reasons) but being that I was living a lie, I started to hyperventilate, which, of course, he began to notice and said: I do hope that as I go through each of your files, I will not find anything that will hurt me? I think at that time, he did not find anything, but oh my, how I die of shame because I then changed my password and one morning he says to me: I tried to go into your computer last night, because I was having trouble with my computer and needed to check to see if yours would work and strangely enough, I couldn't get in. Have you changed the password? I could feel myself getting very hot with panic and utter guilt and floundered terribly and just threw in the air something like: yes I did change because it is my computer or something like that and my poor darling husband, who is not a stupid man said: if you do not tell me your password, I promise you, that I will throw your computer away, because what this tells me is that you are hiding something from me. I was shaking in fear and reluctantly gave him the password and I tell you, I went into major surreal mode. He looked and said to me: each time I do not find, I sing in my heart that my Suzanne is being honest with me! He then, just by chance, discovered the cybersex site and said: what the heck is this and finally, I just broke down and told him everything and he said that he was going to take my computer away and I could not have it for 6 week's and perhaps it will cure you of this obsessive need for cybersex?
Well, I hated him with all my heart for doing this and the first few days were just awful; I kept crying and just went into depressive mode and then, gradually, I started to see the benefits of not being online; I started to get things done around the house and suddenly, my husband and my relationship improved. Truth be known, by the closing of the date for when I would get my laptop back, I found myself not being so keen and he said the same. But I think it is because I finally took on board the responsibility for my own actions, that he saw he could trust me and I got my laptop back earlier.
That was about 5 or 6 year's ago and I learned a valuable lesson. Now my husband can use my laptop any time he likes, because I only do good things on here.
I have replaced that obsession with cross stitching and finally, after evaluating my spirituality, I started to read the bible each night and now it is UNTHINKABLE of me to go back down that same road!
The problem is when an obsession feels good, but a false goodness, it is hard to let go.
