Do Aspies/Auties find themselves embarassed at praise or compliments?

[Mia]

Think that maybe Aspies/Auties can tell the difference between a real and valid compliment and a socially inspired one. One that seems accurate and another that is somehow a throwaway convention, that doesn't seem real or meaningful.

 

[Annett doherty]

I also have this problem I oftentimes become very shy when shoved into the spotlight and I whould rather the complement go to someone else rather than me (I still appreciate the complement) for me it's more of I don't what to be put in the spot light becuse I don't what to be judged for how I react or just the whole room looking at me in genaral. And no I don't think is a aspie thing.

 

[Ylva]

I don't agree that paying compliments is manipulative.

That is not much to go off of. Could you add a reason or an argument?

Think that maybe Aspies/Auties can tell the difference between a real and valid compliment and a socially inspired one. One that seems accurate and another that is somehow a throwaway convention, that doesn't seem real or meaningful.

Manipulation is invasive, and fake compliments are meant to obligate you to do something for the person or to like them. Kind of has the opposite effect when you know it's happening.

I have a strong preference for approving or impressed body language. Bodies don't lie.

 

[ksheehan88]

That is not much to go off of. Could you add a reason or an argument?



Manipulation is invasive, and fake compliments are meant to obligate you to do something for the person or to like them. Kind of has the opposite effect when you know it's happening.

I have a strong preference for approving or impressed body language. Bodies don't lie.

To elaborate, I don't believe genuine compliments are manipulative. It is how you show appreciation for someones effort, or appearance or whatever the subject of the compliment is. As you said above though, false compliments could be considered manipulative, but its not easy to tell a false from a truth, so I prefer to believe people are trying to be genuine.

 

[Nitro]

When I do my advocacy work,I often have speaking engagements that I riddle with bits of humor. My validation there is returned laughter for my pathetic jokes I tell about myself.
I love the warm feeling I get when afterwards I am approached and thanked for reaching into the souls of some individuals and inspiring hope. That's a mighty fine reward in my eyes and validation I do accept.

 

[Koowie]

YES. I do, at least. wouldn't be surprised if it were an aspie thing. Maybe it has to do with the suspicion thing you talked about. For instance, I'm fine when somebody compliments my intelligence or drawings, but get all embarrassed is someone tries to compliment my appearance or says that I'm funny. Not quite sure what it is. Maybe I just feel embarrassed when I don't believe they're being sincere.

 

[Rocco]

I very much enjoy compliments and praise. I thrive on these things.
Not having much positive attention over the years, when I get a nice word or two it sends me to the moon and back, lol.
I am a FIRM believer in positive reinforcement and constantly dish out genuine compliments for efforts, works, actions I see in others.
I go out of my way to compliment people at times, maybe because I have the "do unto others..." mentality, or because I like to make others feel good. I want to spread happiness like a virus.

I do not give false compliments and I never use a complement or praise as a manipulative technique.
Anyone who has been around here long enough has probably recieved a compliment or two from me, if not a healthy dose of likes and agrees and such.
I admit that I am a little bummed, thinking I probably cause discomfort in others with constant compliments and praise. Hmmmmm. Sorry folks
Best wishes.

 

[Adora]

I am not good at handling compliments,even my psychologist mentioned that I don't take compliments well,it's not because I don't like them but it's hard for me to know if they are sincere or not,I do believe it's due to self esteem because I went through years being called not so great names both in school and at home but I do struggle with knowing if someone is being genuine or sarcastic.

 

[Ylva]

Also it reminds me of the informal ABA sessions that made up my every interaction with my mother, father, and stepmother for more than twenty-five years. Obviously I was fed up long before I got to twenty-five.

 

[Servelan]

I have a problem with compliments because my ex, who is abusive, used them to hook me into 18 years and change of emotional abuse. I have learned to thank the complimenter, but not regarding my appearance or my intelligence; those compliments are suspect still.

 

[Adora]

I have a problem with compliments because my ex, who is abusive, used them to hook me into 18 years and change of emotional abuse. I have learned to thank the complimenter, but not regarding my appearance or my intelligence; those compliments are suspect still.

I am so sorry that you went through that,Emotional abuse can be one of the most sinister of abuse,I dealt with it from my parents and also at school,I also had a brief relationship with a man years ago who I suspect now was probably a sociopath,But I do believe that being emotionally abused can alter how you take compliments particularly about appearance or intelligence because I struggle to believe when someone compliments me on those two areas because I have been led to believe otherwise.

 

[Full Steam]

I like compliments and I've noticed that my behaviour has actually been driven by the seeking of them in the past.

I've felt like a good little puppy a few times too many

It does cause a problem in that I would then feel like I'm in yet another situation, where specific response is expected, and I don't know what it is.

I've mostly figured out though, that words can almost completely make up for lack of unspoken communications.

Most people just want to know their compliments are well taken, so I'd just say "thanks, that means a lot to me", or something like that.

 

[Full Steam]

I very much enjoy compliments and praise. I thrive on these things.
.

Dude - YOU ARE AWESOME!

Artwork is brilliant, and I should know.

I have outstanding taste.

 

[the_tortoise]

I sometimes feel uncomfortable because I don't understand the praise....don't understand the reasoning or the other person's perspective about things.

I also shy away from a lot of attention (like being the center of attention in a group) and from intense attention, generally....it freaks me out.

 

[Mia]

Find my spouse get a little suspicious when I compliment him, especially as it relates to memorizing strings of numbers.

He can memorize phone numbers, credit card numbers, passwords of fifteen characters or more and the like. He thinks this is a usual everyday-everyone can do this sort of thing ability. It's not an ability that I have, and I find it phenomenal.

 

[Full Steam]

He can memorize phone numbers, credit card numbers, passwords of fifteen characters or more and the like. He thinks this is a usual everyday-everyone can do this sort of thing ability. It's not an ability that I have, and I find it phenomenal.

I have the extreme reverse of that. I only recall phone numbers after extensive repetition.

Do you find you extend your memory by using his?

David chalmers the philosopher believes we extend our consciousness in to our electronic devices, and I agree, but I also think we extend it into our extremely close human relationships.

I've given up my sense of direction almost completely and instead use my wife's and Google's.

 

[Mia]

Do you find you extend your memory by using his?

Absolutely. In the same way he uses mine to remember where everything is, to ensure that he has his driver's license with him and his wallet. To remember the daily tasks and to recall many other things.

 

[EstimatedProphet]

I just discussed this very issue with my psychologist in relation to my son's diagnosis [he is 3 and was just diagnosed, so now I've actually met another aspie in person!]. It's an aspie trait. It also depends on how well you know the complimenter, of course.

She told us that when we praise him, we need to tell him specifically what we are praising him for, and exactly why we are praising him, e.g., not "Good job!!" but "Good job keeping the kitchen clean by putting trash in the bin!" We never know where his little mind may be when we praise him -- he might be thinking about throwing rocks at windows..

Think about it: you can't make inferences, don't read non-verbals well, have trouble discerning from sincere/insincere, and don't like the attention/spotlight. If someone says "you're really smart" I'm wondering what that person wants me to do for them (for free of course). But if someone says "it was smart of you to arrange the files this way, now it's easy to find what I want," I will be grateful (!) and perhaps remove that person from my mental Watch List of Mistrust.

 

[Mia]

Think about it: you can't make inferences, don't read non-verbals well, have trouble discerning from sincere/insincere, and don't like the attention/spotlight

Brilliant, you're absolutely correct, being specific will help. I noticed your reference to your son thinking about throwing rocks at windows, I realize this was a funny, but my spouse at that age, threw rocks at windows, he calls it 'action at a distance.' He still does it, but with snowballs.

 

[Chris Russell]

Don't know if this is an aspie/autie difficulty, or if my perception of the world makes me suspicious of everyone. Have a difficult time accepting compliments or positive input, it somehow makes me nervous. Or is this low self-esteem, related to having received few positive interactions in childhood. What do you think? Do you react this way to people indicating to you that you did something well?

From my blog on the subject: I am often told that I am talented. I am aware that this is meant as a compliment, but I struggle with the concept of compliments. I am aware that the 'normal' response to a compliment (apart from acknowledgement and reciprocation) is to 'feel good about oneself.' I understand that this is the main purpose of a compliment.

In people like myself, this part of the response is not automatic, and is often absent. I have been known to wax lyrical about how uneasy compliments, in fact, make me feel... I know I have described them as being almost like physical blows, when I am feeling particularly vulnerable. I think this is easy to see why, when you consider that, without the good feeling, a compliment can appear to be a simple demand for acknowledgement and reciprocation.

"What? How cynical!" I hear you cry. But I assure you, it is not cynicism that negates the positive effect of compliments. It is merely an effect of applying logic ahead of emotion. Let me explain: To say I am talented, is no different (in my world) to telling me that I am above average in some way, at painting, singing, writing. I know I can paint - I have spent more time than is usual in practising painting techniques and have become quite proficient in certain aspects. My immediate response to what is clearly a compliment, is one of confusion. And herein lies the difficulty. I will try to break down my thought process to make the outcome clearer: The Compliment:

"You are very talented" (Looking appraislngly at one of my paintings)

I am aware that stating something graciously, like "How nice of you to say!" whilst smiling appreciatively, would be ideal, but this is a false response which is dishonest, and cannot be entertained. The true response is more along the lines:

Oh God! A vague, subjective compliment! Right! Don't panic! What does talented mean? Special? Better? Clever? Blessed? Gifted? Lucky? Well, I'm none of those... I just work hard. There are many more able and innovative artists than me, so she's clearly mistaken. Hang on, perhaps she's more qualified to tell the difference than I am... I wonder what her credentials are? I would ask, but that might sound rude. No, I don't recognise her - I assume she's just 'being nice'. Is there a hidden agenda here? Right - that means I should say something nice back, and perhaps explain. "Thanks, but I'm not really - It's just something I do to stop feeling overwhelmed or bored." Hmmm. That didn't seem to be very well received... Smile your stiff, fraudulent smile and move away.

In my experience, baseless compliments are not the inert selfless gift that they are considered by most. In my experience they are potentially dangerous ordnance, that should only be handled by qualified experts. If they do find their way into the hands of rank amateurs such as myself, they need to be accompanied by detailed instructions for their safe disposal or deployment.

This may seem a little extreme, but please do not assume I do not appreciate compliments. They just need to be reasonably well informed and specific. I will find it much easier to engage with a compliment if it offers some new perspective for me to consider, new data to assess. Compliments I have heard, and preferred include: "I have seen lots of this type of thing, but none of them quite capture the urban setting as well...", I could walk into your skies" and, (my personal favourite) "I like the dirt and the lamp-posts".

(I can engage with the the first, by asking what other similar pictures they have seen and how they differ; the second, by investigating the reason for this: The geometry? The light? The colour? The third is a statement I cannot argue with - it is a simply stated observation and preference pertaining to an aspect of the painting I had actually planned.)

Of course when they become more thoughtful and specific, they are no longer mere compliments - they have become meaningful acknowledgement, considered observation and heartfelt appreciation.