Do Aspies feel the need of friends?

[Tcx]

I visited my psychiatrist who's a kid/teen ADHD/ASD specialist today and even she said it shocked her that my therapist would say so. My psychiatrist would contact my therapist and asked her the process.
I texted my therapist's assistant and she replied me that my therapist would sort them out in our next session. I'm not in a panic attack anymore! Thanks everyone who replied to this thread! Love all of you! Wish all of you have a nice day!

 

[Storm Hess]

Title.
Background:
Today(May 11th 2020) I was talking to my therapist and I was feeling low and eventually said that was I even autistic at this point since my trauma might lead to aspie-like behaviors.
And she suddenly/loudly said: "yes! do you really have aspergers?"
I didn't know how to react to this question because my diagnosis was made when I was 15/16. It was 8 years ago. I couldn't guarantee that I didn't *fake it* or not when I was 15/16. I wasn't sure if I had the ability to fake it. I was so upset and I asked her a following question: "what make you think that I don't have Asperger's?" she replied with "even if you have it, you're really atypical you know? Because people with asperger's don't need friends and you certainly want to make friends and have their accompany."
She then said: "if in DSM5 you need 6/9 to pass the criteria, then you probably only got 4/9 or 5/9. Well, a person can't have all the illness(I have dx depression/PTSD)."
I didn't further the conversation because I was extremely upset. And yet I had the urge to ask her if she could provide me a list of my trait that didn't match the criteria of high-function autism. I always want friends and have almost no friends. I had been crazily bullied(junior high) and isolated(senior high) and got into troubles because of wanting friends. I could be at ease with being alone IF I dive myself into my interests, currently it's Trigs.

Her words made me start questioning myself even more. Do I really have depression? Do I fake it? Do I really have those traumas or all of them are made ups? Do I, indeed, have asperger's? If I don't have asperger's, why did my parents cry and murmur: "this kid was too weird" and I was suggested by my homeroom teacher to have a test?
Who am I? How should I react if there's no rules to follow? What's the purpose of posting this thread? What do I want from it? What do I not want from it? What am I (not)expecting? Is it really like what my therapist said that I feel sad because of the answers I got didn't match my thoughts? No. It wasn't like that on this forum. I learned so much from this forum. I just don't understand. Most replies and threads are understandable and beautiful.

Sorry for the rambling. Apparently I need to chill down.

Question:
Again, I want to know your answers. Do Aspies feel the need of friends? My therapist is very important to me so she has control over my thought. I couldn't just be careless about this thoughts.
If yes>no, I'll report it to my therapist.
If no>yes, I'll revise myself and find more Aspie articles to learn.
This is the most logical decision I could make right now.
Thank you in advance.

Only you can answer how you feel. No one else's opinion really matters...not mine, not your therapist's...only yours. I made it through my life by sifting through my experiences, keeping what I could build on and discarding what was useless. Still using that mindset actually. I found writing helps with this considerably. I didn't think...I just wrote and was amazed at what I found written upon the pages.

I personally do not need or require friends. I've been solitary almost all of my life in that regard. I had one good friend when I was growing up...we were inseparable. If you found me, you'd find him. After moving away, I never got close to anyone else. I went through depression that I was no longer with my friend and had no desire to find another.

An old saying goes..."Sometimes the therapist is crazier than the patient." Be wary of who you trust and for what reason. Some people get drunk on the power they wield over others. I had to learn this the hard way over many of years. There are plenty of manipulative therapists in the world that get enjoyment trying to 'help' those seeking it. That doesn't mean that your therapist is...just be wary and understand that your concerns matter and disagreeing with another human being is fine. Perhaps turning a critical eye towards what others say to you (your therapist included), may help you sift through the bs and you could realise what's best for YOU. Again, that's what has worked for me...your path is your own.

All of these are my opinions and expressions of my experiences...I cannot speak for others, after all, I'm a human and not infallible.

The moment we succumb to the will of another's voice, we are no longer ourselves, just a reflection of the person that's speaking. Questioning that authority cracks the mirror with a solid fist of doubt. You are worthy...you're not a 2nd class citizen to anyone. You have a voice and will be heard.

Sorry for the rambling.

 

[Ylva]

Look, if you were faking it, you'd know. Cuz then you'd be faking it.

Your therapist is an idiot with her head full of stereotypes.

And if she thinks the DSM only contains three conditions…

 

[100skerls]

Autistic people don’t lack the desire for connection I think that’s a very common myth that goes unchecked too often. Lots of Autistic people that “don’t want friends” don’t want to deal with the responsibility and complexity of relationships that are so difficult to navigate and they are often also dejected because they aren’t able to find people they relate to very well. And that is my personal experience too. I want human connection but I know now that I actually don’t really want friends. I tend to connect with people quickly Because I feel like I can understand others easily (not what they do and how they behave but who they are and stuff - I’m easy to connect with people initially) and then ghost them shortly after because I know that I just can’t interpret behaviors and it gets messy and they’ll never understand me. Everyone is different there is so much variety on the spectrum.

 

[cnn]

Good evening,

My short answer is "Yes, of course." Long one is: Obviously, we are not living in social void. a) There is the difficulty to make friends, b) the lack of practice attached to it and c) the baggage of failed attempts, but neither of these justify the claim.

Feel comfortable, you will naturally grow out of trouble and make good friends like anybody.

Wish you the best,
Cnn

Title.
Background:
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[Mush]

Feel the need for friends? Yes. Have friends, not sure what a friend is. If I look at my group of people my wife and I socialise with, then no, I don’t have any friends.

Nobody calls me to ask me to do things. Except maybe one or two people that I go hiking, kayaking or cycling with. There’s nobody in my life I can confide in. I don’t know if it’s important to have someone liked this.

I see other people with friends and it looks like a good thing. I just don’t know what it’s like. I tend to push people away because after they’ve spent some time with you and gotten to know you, they feel the need to constantly criticise you, although they call it constructive criticism.

I know they mean well, but generally neurotypicals are idiots. They don’t see the hypocrisy in their actions and words.

They say they accept you but...example: I like to use an old fashioned alcohol burner for cooking on hiking trips. It’s reliable and it works. My hiking friends have a dig at me about it every time we go out. I don’t see the need for gas canister cookers because they are no better than the reliable Trangia stove.

Sure they boil water faster, but so what, we’re out to deliberately slow down and be in a calm environment. Alcohol stoves are silent, peaceful and beautiful in their simple and perfect function.

One guy brings a stove that sounds like a jet engine warming up. Seriously, I have to leave when he’s cooking because the noise is so irritating.

The problem with most people is they want you to be like them. It’s a form of self worship or self idolising with them trying to mould you into a reflection of them. The ones that aren’t like this are few and far between in my experience.

 

[GrownupGirl]

I read about something called The Hedgehogs' Dilemma. A group of hedgehogs are trying to huddle together for warmth, but whenever they do they poke each other with their spines. I think that is basically what friends are like to aspies. We want to have friends but whenever they get too close it's like we're being stuck with needles.

 

[cnn]

Friendship; a dash of warmth and lots of spines.
Awesome : )

I read about something called The Hedgehogs' Dilemma.

 

[Aspychata]

Great friends are hard to find. You have to be in the right place at the right time. Otherwise there are just a lot random people. When you finally have a great friend, life can move along and you don't see them again. I have had several great friendships in my lifetime so l feel lucky.

 

[risootser]

I have had friends. Anyway, these days somehow I distance myself away from friendships if I'm good terms with someone because next time I become irritating by purpose. It is easier to leave people alone in many cases. I don't know why but regular life people live seems extremely dull. When I was a kid I was kind of hyper and entertaining and also very deep. I had many long discussions about things in life and made up new games. People as they age become agents of boredom.

I have devolved into schizoid/schizotypal mindset. Maybe due to existential crisis that started when my mother died when I was a teenager but I also have had that sort of predisposed mindset from birth.

 

[risootser]

I think the kinds of relationships that people need are different. Introverted people need relationships where they connect on a very deep level with someone and they tend to need less friends than extroverted people. Quality of quantity,basically.
I think the opposite is true for extroverts (and don't quote me on this,I am not extroverted at all). They like to be around a lot of people but don't necessarily need very deep connections to people. For them I think it's a quantity of quality sort of situation.

I would love to hear your opinions on this! Are there any extroverts here that would agree with that (or not, for that matter)? I would love to learn more about this!

OK, I'm probably extroverted loner. I love exchange of heated opinions and stuff but intimacy is a big meh. Rapid change of dramatic emotions makes life worth living.

 

[Albert Wallner]

I read about something called The Hedgehogs' Dilemma. A group of hedgehogs are trying to huddle together for warmth, but whenever they do they poke each other with their spines. I think that is basically what friends are like to aspies. We want to have friends but whenever they get too close it's like we're being stuck with needles.

That's a really cute analogy. I love it

 

[Aspychata]

I don't mind saying hi to the cashier , but then that's all l want. I like my alone time. It feels healthy and l have lived along time like this until l was married.

Don't want to be in a relationship with a clingy NT because those on the spectrum respect our downtime. I don't want someone around me 24/7. I need pockets of breathing space or l feel stifled. So as you can see - friends aren't a requirement. But do l have friends- l believe l do. I know l talked to one daily and appreciate their input. I also enjoyed going out with them when we lived in the same state because we giggled a lot. If l can't find the type of friend l connect with that has the same values , then we aren't friends, just random people. If l like the person a lot, then my boundaries are different. I enjoy them and their presence but in no way do l want to stress them out.

 

[Running Girl]

I spent years and years- most of my life- wanting more friends, agonizing over the ones I lost, and trying to crack the code: Just how do people make and keep friends? I do enjoy alone time a lot though, and know I am an introvert. And since realizing I was autistic, I have agonized so much less over the whole friendship thing. I'm just like everybody else here, struggling socially, not understanding the skills required. I just let myself off the hook now. I no longer believe i struggle with friendship because I'm no good or unlovable. Now I know its because I have an autistic brain and that is that. Your therapist aught to spend a few hours here, reading what actual autistic people have to say!!

 

[risootser]

I spent years and years- most of my life- wanting more friends, agonizing over the ones I lost, and trying to crack the code: Just how do people make and keep friends?

Keeping friends assuming they are friends. Stay in contact but also take a distance if it becomes bit too consuming for either one. If not sure just ask with hints, not directly like discuss about downtime etc. Essentially reflect and form concepts around multiple experiences (expand by reading personal stories like autobiographical information from personal experience, watch personal interviews that reflect shortcomings and I am not talking about talk show glamour - I am talking something that has a real twist) and split down to components and rearrange. Do it until it gets clear - shuffle things in your head. Never become truly satisfied with initial understanding if you can crack it even a tiny bit. It just means more probing and expanding a personal databank - doing this with constantly accumulated knowledge. It never gets ready. I'm thinking this from other POV and not mine but that's easier for me because I can not express my own ties as easily. Talk about something that means to you as well like "it is great to know you", I guess, because I suck at it.

Sometimes I'm faulty at this because I might look for dramatic shouting or something to stimulate myself away from the apathy. Yep, I need shakedowns and therefore I sometimes troll people. I have had very good close friends who liked my mental heaviness we got along famously 24/7. There were days when we just talked days in a row and only had a sleep between. I guess the irritation factor was balanced out by constant stream of relaxed dramatic expressions.

Anyway, I have been very choosy. I do not like to spend my time with mindless "How was your/my day?" chat or boosting self image around others. It is retarded that is only an experience and it is time to move on. Not like your mother just passed away or something serious. That sort of stuff would stimulate me to take part in it. I guess I like mild drama but not relationship stuff, please. No social hierarchy or games because it is just stupid to waste your time in trifles when you could just mediate and not go bankruptct. Divorce and stuff makes me facepalm at choices that has been made and not solved or seen beforehand. Or is it about mindless bloodthirsty sadistic revenge that gives the meaning to some people? Maybe. Something emotionally twisting philosophical bordering stuff about life because we are trapped in it. That's our deal and not made up sh*t.

 

[Alexej]

Quality or quantity,basically.

Good point -

 

[Animal]

I am very high functioning, and because I can seem normal to other people, I get asked out to socialize frequently. So I choose not to have friends because I got tired of disappointing people too often by telling them I didn't want to go out.
Also, part of my job is working around other people, and although I can enjoy them while I'm working, it's exhausting, so by the time I come home, I'm so drained that I just want to be alone. (Hence I've been enjoying the quarantine since I don't have to physically go to my job right now.)
It's not that I don't appreciate connections with people, I just prefer solitude to socializing and don't feel a need for companionship.

 

[PastelPetals]

Well to start off with everyone is different

But for me while I like to have people to be around it's not a huge priority to have friends in the way people think of friends. I like talking to people online, I like spending time with people sometimes but it's not a thing I need very much of and if I have even a little too much socializing it renders me unable to tolerate people for a bit of time after. I just get tired quickly and I don't need many friends.

As to the therapist part I have had a therapist tell my parents I was too autistic for her to treat after I met with her twice, I have had therapists push it under the rug and ignore it, I have has therapists outright say I don't have it.....other people's perceptions don't have to be correct.