Do Aspies really lack emotion and sympathy?

[Crazy Dave]

That's part of the diagnosis criteria. And it's one that I definitely relate to. I have difficulty understanding empathy let alone experiencing it. Some have tried to explain the difference between sympathy and empathy but I really don't grasp it at all.

With that being mentioned, I sometimes do have trouble with showing my empathy to people I don't much often care for, or who have "done me wrong". But I still believe we are capable of showing both empathy as well as sympathy, I've seen you in pain before, and have been so anguished by this, and I've been at points of pain and seen your tears because of it, so I think it is safe to say that we are capable of sympathy and empathy, we may not see it or some of us had to "learn it" if one will, (I was very much a "Me, Myself & I" person when I was younger, both emotionally and developmentally) and I think because of people with patience like you, my loving family members who still believe in me as well as my church congregation, I want to thank you all for helping me with all that... Thank you all.

 

[Hedgehog Instigator]

With that being mentioned, I sometimes do have trouble with showing my empathy to people I don't much often care for, or who have "done me wrong". But I still believe we are capable of showing both empathy as well as sympathy, I've seen you in pain before, and have been so anguished by this, and I've been at points of pain and seen your tears because of it, so I think it is safe to say that we are capable of sympathy and empathy, we may not see it or some of us had to "learn it" if one will, (I was very much a "Me, Myself & I" person when I was younger, both physically and developmentally) and I think because of people with patience like you, my loving family members who still believe in me as well as my church congregation, I want to thank you all for helping me with all that... Thank you all.

David you're such a sweetie. I guess it just makes me sad to see you self sabotage, but I don't necessarily understand others sadness. It's sad when your aunt dies, but if someone else's aunt died I don't feel like mine did. Am I misconstruing empathy?

 

[Myway]

I don't think so. We just can't show it effectively so people often think that we don't. But in the large scheme of things, sympathy and emotions are concepts that are hard for us to show and understands completely. That is just how things work I guess.

 

[Crazy Dave]

David you're such a sweetie. I guess it just makes me sad to see you self sabotage, but I don't necessarily understand others sadness. It's sad when your aunt dies, but if someone else's aunt died I don't feel like mine did. Am I misconstruing empathy?

Thank you, and I'd rate you on a scale of 11 out of 10 on the sweetness scale. I think I understand, when I was still in mid-high school, I really didn't know how to handle a friend's feelings, at times I was good, and at times I didn't know what to do. But I will stick to the "We are Autistic, but we still Hearts." I hope to see you soon today at work.

 

[Cinnamon115]

I don't think so. For me, my problem is that I sympathize with people when they are suffering, but I don't know what to say or how to say it.

 

[unsurewhattoname]

If anything aspies feel emotions more strong and are more acutely aware than nts.

Guess I'm not an aspie then, according to what you just said I'm an extreme NT. That is, if I took what you said over the qualified professional who diagnosed me, which I won't because that'd be dumb of me. I'm completely oblivious to my emotions. I don't have any clue how I feel.

Also, this seems to disprove what you said:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexithymia#Comorbid_medical_and_psychiatric_illness

"Research indicates that alexithymia overlaps with autism spectrum disorders (ASD).[8][42] In a 2004 study using the TAS-20, 85% of the adults with ASD fell into the impaired category; almost half of the whole group fell into the severely impaired category. Among the normal adult control, only 17% was impaired; none of them severely."

(found the word "alexithymia" in Tony Attwood's Complete Guide to Asperger's, by the way)

 

[watersprite]

I don't think so. For me, my problem is that I sympathize with people when they are suffering, but I don't know what to say or how to say it.

Me too.

 

[Nacho]

I think, as an instinctive reaction to society, I and I suppose many of you too, put a mask to hide our emotions. But later on, when we arrive home or some place we feel safe in, we remove our mask and feel as much -or more- than any other human.

 

[Datura]

The feeling of sympathy emerges from the recognition that another person is suffering, in contrast to empathy, where the other person's pain or suffering is felt. A person expresses sympathy, but shares empathy. The empathic feeling may be brief, and the person feeling it is said to "put themselves in the other person's place."

Of the two, empathy is a deeper feeling, but sympathy can be just as honest and heartfelt. However, empathy can forge a deeper and more meaningful connection, thus serving as a bridge for greater communication between individuals or between a leader and his or her followers.

I believe I mostly express sympathy, but strive for empathy by relating my own experiences to those of others (heck, I'm doing it right now). Empathy is difficult though. Rarely do I actually feel what others are feeling. Even when my best friends are suffering I don't really feel sad or upset, at least not in the moment. I try my best to understand them and provide comfort, and for this they call me "empathetic", but really I am being sympathetic.

When I am around a lot of suffering though, it does tend to elevate my anxiety levels over the course of days or weeks. Perhaps this is delayed emotional processing. I don't know.

 

[Hedgehog Instigator]

Guess I'm not an aspie then, according to what you just said I'm an extreme NT. That is, if I took what you said over the qualified professional who diagnosed me, which I won't because that'd be dumb of me. I'm completely oblivious to my emotions. I don't have any clue how I feel.

Also, this seems to disprove what you said:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexithymia#Comorbid_medical_and_psychiatric_illness

"Research indicates that alexithymia overlaps with autism spectrum disorders (ASD).[8][42] In a 2004 study using the TAS-20, 85% of the adults with ASD fell into the impaired category; almost half of the whole group fell into the severely impaired category. Among the normal adult control, only 17% was impaired; none of them severely."

(found the word "alexithymia" in Tony Attwood's Complete Guide to Asperger's, by the way)

Let me clarify, what I worded poorly (sorry), was meant to imply that people with autism are more affected by the emotions around them.

 

[Crazy Dave]

Thank you, and I'd rate you on a scale of 11 out of 10 on the sweetness scale. I think I understand, when I was still in mid-high school, I really didn't know how to handle a friend's feelings, at times I was good, and at times I didn't know what to do. But I will stick to the "We are Autistic, but we still have Hearts." I hope to see you soon today at work.

 

[OrSomething]

The stereotype that we lack emotion makes no sense at all, because a lot of the symptoms of autism require emotion. For example, take intense special interests. Someone who truly had no emotions would not be able to be interested in anything. Aspies, I think, often feel emotions more intensely than others; that's what causes us to have meltdowns and shutdowns.

The lack-of-empathy stereotype is also incorrect. Most of us have empathy and care about people and animals. We just have trouble reading people's emotions, so we don't always know when someone is upset or how someone would react to our words.

 

[Xenocity]

No, we may be less responsive.

We just have a hard time connecting to others, which leads us to not reacting and acting "properly"!

 

[MEDL86]

No , it's ********. NT's are so much crueller than all the aspies I've met here, but they are cruel in "socially acceptable" ways. It makes no sense.

Totally agree with this assessment. I've been in situations where someone was being a total @$$, but only in ways that seems diplomatically, and I was seen as the bad guy for calling him out on it. It actually happened on a forum that I left a couple months ago, and it was about a month after I had joined it initially. I reported the guy to the mods and the mods actually told me that I was the one at fault because to them, this person was being "nice" about what he was saying. That was strike 1 for me in terms of regarding that site as a good place to be.

 

[Justagal]

From my personal experience I know that I don't lack sympathy or empathy, but I have had people comment in the past that sometimes it appears like I do. What I do struggle with is understanding and relating to what someone is going through when I haven't experienced it myself. So I attempt to support them in the way that I feel they might want to be supported, but not having lived through a similar experience makes it difficult for me to know for sure, how to respond appropriately. If I've experienced something relatable myself I can empathise quite well but if it's an unknown experience to me (eg having a parent or loved one die) then I'm a bit of a klutz. The only way around this that I've found is to ask a lot of questions regarding the range of emotions they're currently feeling and what they need during this time (and rarely is it appropriate to ask such a myriad of questions during such a difficult time). So in my personal experience I feel I appear to lack empathy but I'm actually just silently trying to ascertain the range of emotions they might be experiencing in order to know how to best support them. On occasion I'm so aware of my inability to know what to do that I keep myself away from the person (to protect them from further unnecessary grief that I may cause) which in turn makes them feel even less supported.
Unfortunately for me, the description of 'sad' doesn't cut it. I feel sad when my animals become ill and I also feel sad when I run out of Vegemite so 'sad' often needs defining further.

 

[wyverary]

If you are going to criticize "NTs", please be VERY CAREFUL about your wording! We have many NT loved ones of people on the spectrum here, and we try to make it a friendly place for everyone.

 

[MEDL86]

If you are going to criticize "NTs", please be VERY CAREFUL about your wording! We have many NT loved ones of people on the spectrum here, and we try to make it a friendly place for everyone.

Agreed, but...

There's a huge difference between criticizing NT's, and sharing our experience of our dealings with some of them.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Aspies have trouble putting themselves in other peoples shoes. Didn't mean they can't sympathise.

Says who?

I think that people in general have trouble putting themselves into the shoes of other persons, if those other persons have vastly different ways of perceiving/feeling/thinking/etc.
We (meaning us humans) use our own ways of perceiving/feeling/thinking/etc as the basis from which to guess at what other people are thinking/feeling/etc. An NT has a slightly better chance at getting it right, because statistically the other person is likely to be NT, and therefore the two of them are a bit more likely to be similar. An Aspie has a slightly worsechance at getting it right, because statistically the other person is likely to be NT, and therefore the two of them are a bit more likely to be different.

Agreed, but...

There's a huge difference between criticizing NT's, and sharing our experience of our dealings with some of them.

Yeah, the problem is if someone overgeneralizes.

 

[Warmheart]

I chose my screen name to reflect what you might not notice if you met me.
For some of us, autism is compassion, caged.

 

[DogwoodTree]

I think there is a difference between reading body language accurately and imagining how you yourself would feel in a given situation.

I think, for me personally, I learned to read body language really well because of growing up in such a dysfunctional family. Like any other skill, it can be learned if you have enough time and motivation to practice.

And I think that, when seeing situations similar to something I've experienced before, I can easily (maybe too easily) imagine what I would feel like in that situation.

My problem, though, is knowing what another person feels like in that situation, because it seems to be so different from me. And then I don't know how to respond to that person because what they need is different than what I would need in the same situation.

I've learned rules and patterns of how to respond, based on decades of observation. But it's just following rules...it's not responding from an intuitive understanding of what that person is experiencing. It's all a cognitive process, which doesn't always produce the appropriate response to the person, resulting in hurt feelings and offended reactivity.

For example...I know someone whose grandfather just passed away. I told her I was sorry for her loss. I know from studying people and the grief process that this is an appropriately supportive thing to say. So I said it because I hope that's helpful for her, but not because I would want someone to say that to me in the same situation.

When my grandmother passes away, I think I'll be glad for her. She's very old, and has always said she didn't want to live long enough to lose her mind and be completely dependent on people. Lately she's started losing some of her grip on reality, so I really think it would be a relief to her to go before she is completely senile. This is what she has said for many years, so I believe her. When she goes, it seems like I would rather hear from people things like, "Your grandmother was such a beautiful person--I'm so glad she got to live such a satisfying life with so many family members who love her so much." (From people who didn't know her, I guess I don't know what I would want them to say.)

But I now realize that what I want is fundamentally different from what other people want and expect. So I have to study them to figure out those differences. And I now am trying to understand myself better, too, to figure out what I actually need, rather than trying to get the things I thought I needed simply because that's what people said are supposed to help in various situations.