Do Likes Attract? Are people on the spectrum better matches?

[Forgotten Aspie]

Not that this is an issue in my life now, but I've been wondering if the experience of being on the spectrum is an extra element that helps form deeper bonds with a mate, or not. I know it depends on the people but, all things being equal.. is it an advantage?

I know that I'm very careful in the communication process. I think NT find me too intense at times. I ask for clarification all the time to be SURE I understand the other person.. I need clarity in a relationship. It is one of the primary reasons past relationships have failed. So I wonder if I found a compatible lady who was also on the spectrum, would our shared experiences, and ability to accommodate each other's neurodiversity , be a plus?

 

[Lula1989]

I think like any relationship, with anyone, you will have pros and cons. For me, my husband is a NT. Communication can sometimes be difficult, but he is the greater man I have met. Very supportive, caring, hard worker. Because of him, one day I can "retire". He works extremely hard to make my life easier because of my issues. I'm not sure that another aspie would do that.

So for me, it isn't about what issues someone has, or lack thereof, it is about the person inside and how much they are open to you, and want to work on the issues together. I couldn't imagine my life without my husband

 

[Mia]

In my own experience, in an aspie/aspie marriage, it would still be dependent on the individuals within it. How hard they work toward understanding one another. Your particular aspie traits might or might not mesh with another apies. Because we all have different sensibilities, likes, dislikes, sensory difficulties, comorbid disorders. And nature and nurture would also play a leading role in a relationship.

Being able to understand and make provisions for the others difficulties and advantages would be the most important part. Working through those and not giving up, is key. It is possible that for some Aspies, a relationship with another Aspie would turn out perfectly. I knew when I met my spouse many years ago, that there was something 'different' and out of the ordinary that attracted me to him. It was and is our differences and similarities that have kept us together. Back then, neither of us knew we were Aspies. So the attraction and marriage was held together by our desire to be together, because we enjoyed being around one another so much. That desire has kept us together, we were friends first and enjoy one another's company. And that ability to actually like one another is still there today.

 

[Beguiling Orbit]

When I started dating the woman who is now my wife, our relationship played out almost exactly as described in this blog post. We are both Aspies.

 

[OkRad]

That is a good question. I am in the "No Attracts" category.

 

[Tom]

There is an NT saying 'Opposites attract but likes stay together'. I think the basic concept also goes for Aspies, but isn't limited to only Aspie to Aspie. An Aspie-like NT or Aspie understanding NT is just as good a match. But in a mixed marriage a key ingredient is that the Aspie is also either NT-like or NT understanding.

 

[watersprite]

This got a little long sorry.
Shared experiences are a plus.
The counselor I have is blunt and frank with me in staring that a relationship formed by two aspies is going to be more challenging - not less. She thinks aspie with appropriate NT is "best."
I think "it depends." Us Aspies have intensities which are really large. This can be a good thing when it feels safe. Clarity makes for a safe base of operations so to speak.
So, once having found a compatible person - then the adventure begins. Pleasure motivates whether physical or otherwise, but risks don't disappear they become part of the fabric of the relationship.

Whether two aspies decide the work is worth it, are capable of patience and persistently interested enough to very clearly communicate, and then take time from other things to accomodate each other's needs: all of these help determine the potential success of the journey.

 

[SusanLR]

Don't know what a marriage would be like, but, I do know two Aspie men and I enjoy their company and feel much more at ease with them than NTs I've dated.
Communication just seems to come naturally without thinking about it.

 

[Suzanne]

Having scrolled through, what screams out to me, is it all comes down to the personality type. My husband is an nt and it is a struggle. However, despite how severe difficulties, he is able to explain to me the compicated way an nt thinks (mostly without logic) and can help me unravel a situation that leaves me non plused and although it does not feel a positive; it is one, because I would never be allowed to use being an aspie as an excuse ( not that I ever do).

An aspie husband would leave me be, if I was having a meltdown. He would never question why I do not touch him; he would not deliberately cause me upset, because he thinks it is amusing. He would not get frustrated with me talking about my obsessions or the fact that I bounce right into deep conversations and we may even find ourselves having to force ourselves out of bed, because our conversations are so animated. My husband hates deep conversations; in fact he is not one at all, but to give him credit, when just occasionally he does unwittingly enter a deep conversation, because it is me instigating and peaking his curiosity, we do have a great time. The snag is, what to me is normal conversation, is to him very heavy and so yes, we clash constantly.

So, to sum up, I would say it really does come down to each individual person's personality.

 

[Suzanne]

'Opposites attract but likes stay together'

I have been around nts all my life and NEVER heard that expression before, but heck, what a good expression it is and so accurate.

 

[SunnyDay16]

Like others have said, it depends on the individual people in the relationship. No two Aspies are alike, no two NTs are alike. All relationships take work, probably moreso with Aspie/Aspie and Aspie/NT relationships since we aren't naturally adept with the social business that goes with relationships. My first relationship was with a NT and it worked out pretty well. Granted, it was a long distance one so it wasn't as involved.