Do most people dislike you?

[Shamar]

Generally speaking, as autistic people we simply do not fit in, and aside from those who successfully mask, most of us just seem weird, to varying degrees, to most people, to “normal” (NT) people.

I feel like a good three-quarters of the people I meet dislike me. Every now and again I meet someone who truly likes me, but most of the time I feel that people actually flat out don’t like me. I think they see me as aloof and stuck up and “out there” (i.e. not like them) and even irritable, and although I do quite well one-on-one with them (I love asking people questions and listening to them talk), I am utterly flabbergasted and overwhelmed and uncomfortable in groups of more than one.

Do you feel that you are generally disliked? When you mask, do people like you? When you don’t mask, how do people,—as I said, generally speaking,—feel about you? I’m not asking if they should like you or if you care that they like you. I am asking how you think they perceive you.

From my observation, dislike is a secondary effect. First is fear. We are different, and don't fit into their pattern of what we should be. They cannot figure us out, and until they do, we are an unknown and therefore something to be feared. Anything that is feared is disliked. Masking does not help, since it eventually becomes obvious they are someone pretending to be someone they are not. Again, the unknown is something to be feared.

It may not be a strong or obvious fear, but the fear seems to be there.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I have a fear and feeling that everyone dislikes me. I grew up with male cousins who use to put me down as they did not understand why I liked to do things myself.

I am a very negative person and I am told by my family that I have a bad attitude yet I can be so kind to others.

It is very difficult for me to make any friends and harder to keep them. I had some close friends when I first came to the Church but when I lost them I backslided for 15 years.

When I came back to the Church last year I did not know anyone so I joined four groups. I only made some close friends in the Wednesday group and a couple in the Friday group. Of course in small groups I find it easier. But I always think that they think I am awkward even though they never judged me or said negative things about me. Everyone I meet in person there is super friendly.

Now I am afraid with this antisocial pandemic going on I will lose it all again. I hate being alone with only my family which don't understand me at all.

 

[Misery]

I have to seek out other nudies like me or I'd never have any friends. Or find people into anime. For a long time, I lived for wargaming or D&D and met other "involuntarily unique" people that way. Science fiction clubs were also good places to meet people. Met a few interesting people in Mensa. Work, school, most clubs, other social activities, these are mostly a waste of time.

Yeah, it's pretty much like that.

I usually only meet people at anime conventions, since those events are hyper-bizarre by default, so me being freaking weird works there. The only problem is that meeting someone at a con can be a bit... "interesting". They tend to be hyped up on huge amounts of caffeine AND very sleep deprived at the same time, so things can get weird.

Also having gotten into board gaming, that looks like it *might* be a potential avenue, I'm not sure yet. But I doubt it'd involve caffeinated sleep deprivation at least.

 

[Au Naturel]

Yeah, it's pretty much like that.

I usually only meet people at anime conventions, since those events are hyper-bizarre by default, so me being freaking weird works there. The only problem is that meeting someone at a con can be a bit... "interesting". They tend to be hyped up on huge amounts of caffeine AND very sleep deprived at the same time, so things can get weird.

Also having gotten into board gaming, that looks like it *might* be a potential avenue, I'm not sure yet. But I doubt it'd involve caffeinated sleep deprivation at least.

LOL! I used to get totally hyped up without the aid of caffeine. And very weird.

Actually getting hyper is one of my issues. And "weirding out." Once I get excited by something people start stepping away or telling me to calm down. So I really try to not get super hyped up but occasionally I'll slip.

When I was into board gaming it was at a small shop in LA that sold board games and had rooms in back witch sofas and chairs and tables. You'd have one group RPGing in one area, say D&D, another RPGing in a different area, maybe a homemade dungeon with homemade rules. Somebody could be playing Napoleonics on a very large table while someone else was playing Squad Leader at a smaller table. The owner actually lived in the far back and we could play as late as we wanted. He just went to bed.

It was mostly guys but there were a small number of girls. One of them was later diagnosed with Aspergers and we became reacquainted decades later when a mutual friend of ours from the shop was dying with cancer. Probably most of the guys had some of the traits. I was really good friends with a guy who was in the process of transitioning. We went to Disneyland once.

Sometimes the older guys would play late and the place would smell of pot and there'd be booze about. The teenagers would run their own games and crash on the sofas in the wee hours of the morning. Occasionally someone would get kicked out of home and they'd stay there for a while. I didn't have a home at the time and the owner let me park my rusted out van and motorcycle in the parking lot. The place was a lifesaver for many of us.

 

[Siam333]

Not really. For some reason, people seem to like me a whole lot. I'm not sure why, I'm not that impressive, but people either think I'm great or super annoying. Annoying used to be the worst insult to me ever, but I don't even bother with people that think I'm annoying anymore.

 

[Metalhead]

I have issues with tonal modulation in my speaking, so most people initially assume that I live with intellectual disabilities the first time they hear me speak. I am learning how to not take that so personally.

 

[Kalinychta]

Pretty much...feeling that way most of my life.

When I am tired, angry or stressed it's more likely for me to go "full-blown Aspie" on people, which usually carries consequences. When my masking abilities are minimal or non-existent.

Agreed. These days, I can only mask for so long before I start to shut down.

I think people are suspicious of those of us who don’t “give away” too much. I’m generally very undemonstrative and speak as little as possible. It annoys people when they can’t figure you out. It’s a millions-of-years-old human story. When you don’t conform, people fear you or are suspicious of you and find you eccentric, a puzzle. And it makes them dislike you.

 

[Gracey]

I've never asked.

Years ago I thought being liked was the most important thing. My aspiration.

Nowadays acceptance figures largely.
(My own)

In real life day to day, I find many others plain old strange and somewhat amusing. I like them for that.

After 40-50 years, much of my masking is ingrained or second nature now,
until I'm tired, stressed or overwhelmed.

That said, I've made my world small and manageable for the most part.
No longer getting dragged into large uncomfortable social situations believing I had no choice in the matter and where I'd be more likely to give my idiosyncrasies away to be judged.

I'm loved and accepted by those closest to me. For me, that's what matters most.

 

[Jonn]

People that like me when i drop 'the mask' are few and become very special to me, sad thing is i want to be liked/accepted and need mass external validation, the majority of work colleagues don't 'get me' and i've let them judge myself and 'differences' harshly soaking the negativity and leading to anxiety and depression, but hey as a older person the mask is staying at home more and my more hardened attitute is 'stuff them'

"Stuff 'em" is pretty much my attitude also.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

I think so, but I'm not sure if that is actually true or if I am just projecting my own low self esteem and social anxiety onto others. I have been told I come across as aloof and stand-offish (spoiler alert: I'm actually just quiet and shy).

 

[Moonhart44]

People dont like me until they get to know me. a lot of people say they find me intimidating initially. but a lot of others say i look like im on downers, or depressed

 

[Pistachio]

I don't know if people like me or not, I figure all of them probably don't but I'm just there to get a chore done. In other words, it doesn't matter and I don't care, I'm not trying to make friends, just get stuff done and go home.

 

[Au Naturel]

I think people are suspicious of those of us who don’t “give away” too much. I’m generally very undemonstrative and speak as little as possible. It annoys people when they can’t figure you out. It’s a millions-of-years-old human story. When you don’t conform, people fear you or are suspicious of you and find you eccentric, a puzzle. And it makes them dislike you.

OTOH I have found that sometimes it is better to be an unknown if being known brings on ridicule. In my 20s I worked on mimicking the "strong silent type" and it helped with the bullying. Not everyone can do this tho.

I've taken acting lessons. They make the mask easier to maintain. Not that I'm particularly good at it but u lot of famous actors are high on the spectrum. Vocal lessons help maintain a good speaking pattern. I am a baritone when I'm relaxed but I tend to get high and squeaky when I get excited. Sometimes the ability to project and enunciate comes in really handy. Singing lessons are good too and I love to sing.

 

[Au Naturel]

Has anyone considered that the need to figure people out and to have other people figure you out are why mask requirements are being met with such resistance? It is seriously difficult to figure out what is going on with another person if you cannot see most of their face and you can't send them all the signals you want to. They are encountering the kind of problem we Aspies live with all the time.

 

[Aspychata]

Early in life, l was busy determining my likability factor. But then one of my public sector jobs made me see l am popular which really help with extreme insecurity. Now l am more concerned about my credit score or work product then my likeabilty. When at the grocery store, l zone out completely. But l don't know many people here so l am left alone. Amen.

 

[hatfullofrain]

Most people are indifferent towards me. I'm viewed as nice.

I don't like that. I'm a strong willed, cantankerous soul, but I present quite good manners and I'm quiet, so few people see the real me.

 

[Jonn]

Has anyone considered that the need to figure people out and to have other people figure you out are why mask requirements are being met with such resistance? It is seriously difficult to figure out what is going on with another person if you cannot see most of their face and you can't send them all the signals you want to. They are encountering the kind of problem we Aspies live with all the time.

I often wear both a physical mask and wrap-around sunglasses when in public, because of the CV. For a while my message was "Go away, NTs!" lol

 

[Jonn]

Most people are indifferent towards me. I'm viewed as nice.

I don't like that. I'm a strong willed, cantankerous soul, but I present quite good manners and I'm quiet, so few people see the real me.

If you like, I can hate you.

 

[Jonn]

Early in life, l was busy determining my likability factor. But then one of my public sector jobs made me see l am popular which really help with extreme insecurity. Now l am more concerned about my credit score or work product then my likeabilty. When at the grocery store, l zone out completely. But l don't know many people here so l am left alone. Amen.

Message understood.
I will ignore you in future.

 

[Aspychata]

Message understood.
I will ignore you in future.

I was trying to say that because l didn't grow up here or live here a long time in my current city, l may only run into someone every 3 years. So that cuts down accidental encounters. But l hope to continue reading your posts and l am glad you joined Jonn.