Do NTs like wasting time? Kinda upset

[paloftoon]

This happens every time me and the wife go out to dinner with our sisters. They finish eating and sit around talking about stuff and torture me sometimes 2 hrs past when they have finished. They know I don’t like to sit around that long after we eat but I’m told it’s polite to socialize with them cause we haven’t seen them for awhile.

It is socially more acceptable and polite to stay.

Do they contribute to you or your spouse in some way? If not, then you can definitely just say your goodbyes. Especially since it's family or if it was good friends' of your wife, then I'd say plan an activity that you like to do but give them the option to be included with you. There's definitely a balance. If they do things for you, you need to sacrifice in return. If they don't do anything for you, then you can politely say you need to get leave. Have your own way to leave and your wife and can stay and enjoy her time with them. But always keep your door open. Just in your own way. Sometimes, you'd rather just relax alone but since you don't see them that often anyway, if they don't do anything for you to help you or your wife out, then have kind of an "exit" plan.

 

[paloftoon]

I can definitely sympathize with all of this.

For me though, I have absolutely zero patience, and tend to be strong-willed. If I dont want to do anything... no amount of social pressure is going to get me to do it. People I know are going off to do something boring? Great, fine. Go do that. I'll be here, doing something that doesnt make my sanity drool out my ears.

I mean, seriously. It's not just the "wasting time" aspect that gets me. I dont understand why people often go do things they CLEARLY dont like, simply because others are doing it. That seems deeply stupid to me. They will often then complain about it later to family members, and I'm always thinking "Well why did you go do it then?"

When people ask me to do things like that, I dont even sugarcoat what I think about it, either. Someone asking me to do something bloody stupid with them, will find that it goes like this: "Hey, do you want to go to the movie theater and stare blankly at a giant screen while non-interactive things happen?" and I'll respond with "Huh, I see where you're going with this, but I've just had a brilliant idea: You go do that, I go do absolutely any other bloody thing. It's a win-win situation!" If I'm feeling extra sarcastic, I might just say "Or I could just go run sandpaper over my eyes, that'd be just as fun". If I'm in a really bad mood, I'll just throw something.

Fortunately, friends and family are all used to me being this way (since I"ve *always* been this way) and don't get offended.

Yeah, I've never understood this either. Why should I go be around idiots when I could stay here with my dog? Does not compute.

Life isn't necessarily about doing things you like all the time. Being acceptable of differences and what others do is socially acceptable and healthy as an individual. Not everyone likes the jobs they do or do they like having to get up and be at a place by a certain time. They do it because they want to make a living. Being open to do at least a little bit of something you don't necessarily like shows openness to others and allows one to possibly be with other people more. Finding that balance is good. If you aren't looking for a life partner or friends, and/or if what you do allows you to survive independently without draining someone else's energy, then it's probably okay to not focus on things you don't like. If someone is supporting or partially supporting your lifestyle, then there has to be some give and not all take. Usually, this kind of support would be your parents if applicable.

 

[Peter Morrison]

You are trying to balance social acceptance with your personal preferences. Clearly, there is no match. I would have done the same thing you did, keeping in mind that what you did and how you felt is ASD anxiety. First off, socializing with a teacher is weird to me. It wasn't your choice, so you were forced into it. Nobody cares what you eat. You have every right to express a personal concern about the menu selections. Eat nothing if that is your choice. What seemed to be "leaving early" wasn't early for you. It was your regular schedule. Nothing wrong with that. I'm more concerned that you feel sorry, or embarrassed by your lack of interest in the event and the steps you took to escape it.

Forced socializing in groups never appealed to me. Groups tend to have 3-4 conversations going at the same time, unless in this case the teacher was directing traffic. I don't know. Knowing that situations like these are likely to come up many times in your life, you can use them to focus your energy into accepting the experience for the sake of appeasing a teacher or your peers, if their opinions matter. If your bus comes every 20 minutes, then catching the bus on time is not much of an issue. You are putting pressure on yourself to catch that one bus, then in exchange you bow out early, and that made you feel bad.

You can use these situations as training for times when you have to sit through boring stories, make nonsense conversation, and make the most of a situation. If you want your teacher to think of you in a nice way, behave in a nice way. Sitting and doing nothing productive is a small part of our culture. Events like that come and go once in a while. I know you preferred to be home, but 45 minutes with these people can be tolerated. I'm sure your teacher doesn't think anything negative about you. If you had a dentist appointment, everyone would understand your adherence to the clock and bus schedule. That's what responsible people do.

It's natural to run away from boring, uncomfortable situations. Some people do it with less finesse and grace than you did. You didn't do anything wrong, but you were driven by feeling ill-at-ease. For the sake of group acceptance and polite manners, you could always remain present for an appropriate amount of time. Where you go when you leave is nobody's business. Give a hearty "thank you" to the teacher and say a warm "bye" to your classmates. You survived it well. Next time, you will be prepared to get through it with patience and skill. Then, run off and do whatever you want.

 

[Ken S.]

There were no cell phones when I went to high school but if I were at a gathering like the one you described, well I would not have been so gracious as you were. Welcome to the Forums.

 

[sisselcakes]

After dance class, I normally leave straight away, but after some annoying incident involving people forgetting to tell me things, my mom's been hugging me to try and fit in more, to join their group.
So today I joined my classmates and teacher in having dinner at McDonalds. I had to get a Filet-O-Fish, the smallest thing I could get without arousing suspicion. Urghhhhhhhhhh I was carving health food for once and now I have this gross oily thing in my stomach and tastebuds.
So I wasted half an hour there. We weren't chatting or anything, everyone was using their own phones. I had finished eating and was waiting for at least 10 mins when I checked the bus schedule and found my bus was coming (they were taking a different one in the other direction) and if I missed it I'd have to wait another 20 mins.
So I got up, explained about the bus and said my goodbyes. My teacher looked really shocked when she asked "Are you going already?" I made my escape, but now I can't stop thinking about it. Should I have stayed longer? Should I have just left when class ended like I wanted to?
If it was just classmates I wouldn't really care, but my teacher's opinion of me matters a lot. Will she think I'm selfish or something?
Keep in mind, on the way to class we had already wasted at least 45 mins on walking slowly therefore missing a train and a bus. I feel slowly driven crazy by their slowness. Do they have nothing else to do? Do they not want to go home?
Everything feels so pointless. I'll never fit in, and I'm not even sure I'd want to.

I agree with Baeraad. Many of us simply enjoy being in others' presence. We might not even be talking but we like people to be around us.

Maybe you see time as something to spend wisely. Your question gave me some insight into my boyfriend. He sometimes talks about me doing something "more productive" with my time than being on Twitter, for example. Of course, since I take everything personally, I get offended; but your observations make sense.

I don't think of time as being productive or non-productive. I just want to enjoy what I'm doing. I do understand how just hanging around people without a purpose can seem pointless. I can only take so much of it, myself.

 

[sisselcakes]

Yeah, I know she loves and worries about me. She gives really weird compliments like I'm "brave and not afraid to be different from the crowd", which annoys me sometimes because I didn't choose to be different.
She really wants me to have friends and stuff, but she doesn't understand that I'm usually happy the way I am.

I think your mom believes that saying you are brave is boosting your self-esteem. She's trying to be a good and supportive mom. Her intentions are good, even if they are annoying! LOL

 

[Rectify]

The majority of people (not everyone, not even every NT, but more than half of the population) find the proximity of other people relaxing and prefer it to solitude.

Yes! It's so strange. I do like to see others, but relaxing it is not. Crave it...no.

I feel kind of sad when other people seem like really good friends and I get left out, but I wouldn't want to do most of the stuff they do anyway.

It's a hard one isn't it. Have you got some close friends of your own?

I wish everyone would just have limited social interaction, so I could be on even footing, if that makes sense.

It does.

I didn't want to take part in all the stupid crap my classmates got up to, because it was exhausting and never any fun, but I also didn't want to feel excluded.

Haha. I remember I did want to take part - because I didn't want to feel excluded AND I wanted to feel and be like an average kid - but I couldn't manage it, of course. Too many people, too many things I didn't get and didn't enjoy. To be honest, adult life isn't much different in that respect.

I have spent more than my fair share, doing what nts what me to do and now, I have said: no more

Good for you Suzanne. I think it's smart because it's so tiring trying to do things the NT way all the time.
I'm in the process of changing how I do things but because I've pushed my self to be more like NTs my whole life I've developed engrained habits. I don't even notice sometimes. It's a long road.

 

[Deanna1117]

This is the bit that I don't get. I get that people like to talk to each other, spend time together because that's what (NT) people do to socialise. What I don't get is hanging out together then each person using their own phone. What's the point in that? Why bother meet up if you are just going to be on your phone all the time? They might as well go home.

Exactly!
If everyone was chatting I might have enjoyed it slightly, and at least feel like I've accomplished something, instead of just frustrated at the waste of time.

As far as wasting time, I suspect we probably do it as much as NTs. We just like to do it mostly alone.

Haha yeah I'll "waste" a hour watching cat videos on Youtube or something, but I can't stand unnecessary waiting for buses and stuff. Like if you guys walked slightly faster instead of meandering across the sidewalk, we wouldn't have missed the bus and have to wait 20 minutes!

 

[unperson]

NT's don't use direct communication, they beat around the bush, drop hints, plant seeds, so that style of communication needs extended social contact and maybe your teacher hadn't quite got her communication across when you left.

It's hard to be around people but at least you made a start, keep at it, listen for the subtle stuff they do, they rarely tell you anything directly unless they're cross with you...maybe you can get a wrap with some salad instead of the gross stuff.

 

[Aspychata]

So some great input here. My take is that life can end up that you have to have ready arsenal of excuses, and spit them out fast. Because you need your balance of time, vs other people who devalue your time, like employers, car shops, medical offices. So this is just a stepping stone, until you need to pull out another excuse again.

 

[Shamar]

After dance class, I normally leave straight away, but after some annoying incident involving people forgetting to tell me things, my mom's been hugging me to try and fit in more, to join their group.
So today I joined my classmates and teacher in having dinner at McDonalds. I had to get a Filet-O-Fish, the smallest thing I could get without arousing suspicion. Urghhhhhhhhhh I was carving health food for once and now I have this gross oily thing in my stomach and tastebuds.
So I wasted half an hour there. We weren't chatting or anything, everyone was using their own phones. I had finished eating and was waiting for at least 10 mins when I checked the bus schedule and found my bus was coming (they were taking a different one in the other direction) and if I missed it I'd have to wait another 20 mins.
So I got up, explained about the bus and said my goodbyes. My teacher looked really shocked when she asked "Are you going already?" I made my escape, but now I can't stop thinking about it. Should I have stayed longer? Should I have just left when class ended like I wanted to?
If it was just classmates I wouldn't really care, but my teacher's opinion of me matters a lot. Will she think I'm selfish or something?
Keep in mind, on the way to class we had already wasted at least 45 mins on walking slowly therefore missing a train and a bus. I feel slowly driven crazy by their slowness. Do they have nothing else to do? Do they not want to go home?
Everything feels so pointless. I'll never fit in, and I'm not even sure I'd want to.

No, NTs do not like wasting time. The problem is how you define "wasting time." From my observations of NTs, socializing is not considered wasted time; in fact, it is usually considered time well spent. For most of us, who cannot or don't want to socialize, this is somewhere between wasted time and agony.

No, you will probably never fit in. You can put on an NT mask and fake it, but my experience says that is either doomed to failure or unsatisfying. As for figuring what NTs think, I gave up trying a loooong time ago.

 

[Michael Balog]

For most of us, who cannot or don't want to socialize, this is somewhere between wasted time and agony.

This is the most accurate statement on how it feels for me when I have to goto a required family function.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

Haha yeah I'll "waste" a hour watching cat videos on Youtube or something, but I can't stand unnecessary waiting for buses and stuff. Like if you guys walked slightly faster instead of meandering across the sidewalk, we wouldn't have missed the bus and have to wait 20 minutes!

Anything involving cats is not a waste of time.

 

[VAW]

After dance class, I normally leave straight away, but after some annoying incident involving people forgetting to tell me things, my mom's been hugging me to try and fit in more, to join their group.
So today I joined my classmates and teacher in having dinner at McDonalds. I had to get a Filet-O-Fish, the smallest thing I could get without arousing suspicion. Urghhhhhhhhhh I was carving health food for once and now I have this gross oily thing in my stomach and tastebuds.
So I wasted half an hour there. We weren't chatting or anything, everyone was using their own phones. I had finished eating and was waiting for at least 10 mins when I checked the bus schedule and found my bus was coming (they were taking a different one in the other direction) and if I missed it I'd have to wait another 20 mins.
So I got up, explained about the bus and said my goodbyes. My teacher looked really shocked when she asked "Are you going already?" I made my escape, but now I can't stop thinking about it. Should I have stayed longer? Should I have just left when class ended like I wanted to?
If it was just classmates I wouldn't really care, but my teacher's opinion of me matters a lot. Will she think I'm selfish or something?
Keep in mind, on the way to class we had already wasted at least 45 mins on walking slowly therefore missing a train and a bus. I feel slowly driven crazy by their slowness. Do they have nothing else to do? Do they not want to go home?
Everything feels so pointless. I'll never fit in, and I'm not even sure I'd want to.

Hi Deanna1117, I am not an Aspie but my son is..... I have heard him say I don't do small talk, there is no point in it. Just to be around someone you don't want to really be around and talk about things they are talking about that you are not interested in...What is the point???? I do agree, as i said i am not an Aspie, I rarely join when everyone is going out, Especially when there are 4 or 5 or more people. I don't feel comfortable and would rather do what i want to do, so i wouldn't feel bad if i were you. I just say sounds like fun but i can't go, if they ask me why, I just say i have something else i have to do.... not lying....I have to do what i want even if it is sitting on my butt watching tv. lol I go only sometimes when I want to go. OF course it may be my age now talking, because i used to go and be out ALL the time... I just don't like crowds and i don't like being around people i know is never going to be a good friend, just to sit and talk to them or do something like eat out. lol I am not even an Aspie and that is how i feel.

 

[Pats]

With everyone being on their phones and no one talking I would have left, too. But I'm not sure I would have been there to begin with because I hate the social things. You know, when I was working as a home health nurse my visits to the office were just to pick up paperwork and supplies or drop off paperwork - I never lingered. I made necessary calls from home, did all the paperwork at home - did everything I could at HOME. But most my co-workers seemed to prefer staying and doing work at the office instead of going home. I never got that.

I'm the only person I know (aside from this forum) that is always in a hurry to get back home.

 

[Pats]

And who the heck wants to go to McDonalds after reaching the age of 10

I do!

 

[Rectify]

No, NTs do not like wasting time. The problem is how you define "wasting time." From my observations of NTs, socializing is not considered wasted time; in fact, it is usually considered time well spent.

Oh my gosh, it's true.

Perhaps this will explain why that is:
People often sneer at it, but small talk is hugely significant | Eva Wiseman

I actually understand it. I get it. The reason why I still try to engage in this practice is to connect with people. As the tagline for the article said "These are the small shared moments that bind us together."

AND because for me it's a habit and habits are hard to change.

I've experienced failures and successes with small talk. When I fail - often - I come home in a mess of anxiety ruminating over things I said, how I said them, was I too exuberant, not enough? So mostly I'm engaging at a high personal cost.

But occasionally I have a little chat that goes so perfectly (as though scripted) and I come home feeling on top of the world

No suggestions or advice here, I'm just describing my experiences with this social habit.

P.S. It also says in the article "But despite its lowly ranking in the communication charts, it’s far from a simple skill." Don't we know it!

 

[Clueless in Canada]

With everyone being on their phones and no one talking I would have left, too. But I'm not sure I would have been there to begin with because I hate the social things. You know, when I was working as a home health nurse my visits to the office were just to pick up paperwork and supplies or drop off paperwork - I never lingered. I made necessary calls from home, did all the paperwork at home - did everything I could at HOME. But most my co-workers seemed to prefer staying and doing work at the office instead of going home. I never got that.

I'm the only person I know (aside from this forum) that is always in a hurry to get back home.

I enjoy some social situations and even then I am still in a hurry to get back home. I enjoy one on one visits with certain people. One of those people is a good friend who is a home care nurse. When we meet for coffee there are a few places we never go because she will run into work colleagues there and she doesn't want that to happen on her day off.

 

[H-Kath]

One reason you might want to do this is networking. Their parents might be making them do it for that reason, hence the phones.

If you stay until someone else leaves you won't get the "leaving so soon?" Instead you'll look like you really care about dance and want to be part of the community. This could lead to opportunities that don't get offered publicly.

All of my paid positions in linguistics came about this way. This is also how my ex-partner got invited to show art regularly, offered a contract as an illustrator, and offered commissions. The person I know that's the most successful as an artist goes to every event and every post opening bar crawl she finds out about. It's not enough that she's good at what she does and produces art people want in their homes. Being seen as interested, present, and someone that's earned some loyalty is what gets her work shown.

 

[Pats]

I enjoy some social situations and even then I am still in a hurry to get back home. I enjoy one on one visits with certain people. One of those people is a good friend who is a home care nurse. When we meet for coffee there are a few places we never go because she will run into work colleagues there and she doesn't want that to happen on her day off.

For a year I worked part time along with my hospital job - at the county jail handing out meds and stuff. I actually liked it better than my hospital job. Anyway, a few times I'd be out to eat with a friend and someone would come up to me and say, don't they know me from jail?