Ever since I became a adult even before I knew I had autism I could not find/keep friends. Not sure if I got weirder or worse as a adult or no one noticed in high school and college because for the most part everyone is immature in those times? Which is why I am on here hoping to find a friend or two that is similar. I tried having them in the neurotypical world and it has not worked. Even family like cousins and stuff have grown apart.
Welcome to the club.
This phenomenon is quite common amongst the autistic population. It is a multi-factorial situation.
1. Many of us have difficulties with processing communication in a timely manner. I am knowledgeable on many topics and can lecture and monologue all day, but when it comes to the back-and-forth banter, my processing delays are quite apparent,...and if I am on the phone, it's like a built-in delay that leaves us confused and talking over each other. In a group discussion,...I am out on the sidelines. For me, it's not a knowledge or intelligence issue, it's clearly a communication processing issue.
2. Many of us have emotional empathy,...we wear our emotions, will cry with anyone, will tear up at a sad song or TV commercial. Cognitive empathy is often lacking though,...difficulties with reading people, perspective taking, most of the time, an "out-of-sight, out-of-mind" guidance with regards to the people in our lives. "Why don't you ever call or visit?" "How do you think that makes me feel?"
3. Many of us have difficulties initiating social contact. Some even avoid social contact. Some may even question whether or not they are even capable of love. Many of us will have an issue with our hypothalamus-to-posterior pituitary signaling. With that, the posterior pituitary is responsible, in part, for releasing the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin,...these are responsible for the euphoric feeling when you first meet that "special someone", it is responsible for mother-to-infant bonding, some call them the "love hormones". However, these hormones are responsible for initiating social contact, and also for the sense of "missing someone". Many of us are low in these hormones.
4. Some of us have had traumatic events such as sexual and emotional abuse from people who we should be able to trust,...and once that has been destroyed,...it is difficult to trust anyone.
5. Being a friend is a two-way street. It requires a commitment to each other. It requires communicating and doing things with each other frequently. It requires sharing personal, trusted, and confidential thoughts. It requires being able to read each other (cognitive empathy). Frankly, it is a lot of "work" in my mind because I have to force myself intellectually to have the mental discipline to be that person,...and if I have to force myself,...I am probably not going to do it over the long-term.
I am sure many of us have plenty of reasons for not having a "true" friend. I do think many of us get along just fine with other people, smile and laugh with other people, but never really make that "friend" connection. My co-workers,...a great bunch of people, we hit it off fine,...but nothing more. My family,...I've pretty much closed the chapter in that book and have moved forward. I generally don't have a "rear view mirror",...too much baggage,...dropped it off at the curb and moved on. Like I said, I don't miss people.
Usually when I see these threads on here, it is a younger person (under 30), and especially those who are concerned about being lonely after their high school years, trying to meet a boyfriend or girlfriend, whatever. Many have struggled with trying to fit in and be "normal" within the neurotypical world,...and to no surprise,...failed at some level. Most younger people (and their families) do not fully understand and appreciate all the anatomical and physiological differences within the autistic brain,...they can also fail at cognitive empathy,...and with that, fail to understand why they simply can't "learn" to act and be "normal". At some point, you simply have to accept yourself, know yourself, be self-aware,...then adapt and overcome. An autistic can "act" neurotypical, but it's acting,...nothing more,...some are good at it, others not so much. To use an analogy, basically, you're trying to load PC software onto a Mac. Both Mac and PC computers do most of the same operations,...but in different ways. PCs do certain things better than Macs,...and vice-versa.
