Do people want to give back to become even?

[Zain]

You've done a favour for someone. You're the type of person to always help out when you can if it is not too much of an expense, but you're also a bit confused about reciprocation. Do you personally think it is better to accept any 'gift'/favour back or to not accept anything to appear graceful? I've read that people can get angry at refusals in these scenarios. Just curious for different thoughts and experiences.

 

[Tired]

Polite thing to do is to accept, to become even by getting something back. Otherwise a person will feel indebted to you, and no one likes that.

 

[Jonn]

I helped someone who needed to push his car off the road when it broke down.
He wanted to show his appreciation.
I suggested he help someone else in return.
We both seemed to be satisfied.

 

[Outdated]

You've done a favour for someone. You're the type of person to always help out when you can if it is not too much of an expense, but you're also a bit confused about reciprocation. Do you personally think it is better to accept any 'gift'/favour back or to not accept anything to appear graceful? I've read that people can get angry at refusals in these scenarios. Just curious for different thoughts and experiences.

The same conundrum occurs with gift giving as well. If you give someone a gift of much higher value than they are able to reciprocate it is belittling and demeaning to them and will often lead to feelings of resentment.

 

[Forest Cat]

I think it's easier to just smile and say thank you. Because if you decline, it can turn into a discussion and people can be insulted. So it turns into a huge deal. Much easier to just smile and say thank you.

 

[Shevek]

There are various attitudes. An art student used to practice by sketching other passengers on the train. If he had time to finish, he'd give them the drawing. Rich people always smiled and thanked him nicely. Poor people always reached for their wallets. Some people are just happy to be helpful. Both infants and chimpanzees will spontaneously return a dropped object if no one else can easily do it. People may volunteer their whole working lives. However, some people see that they've been helping someone who can't see any reason to move on from childhood dependence, and just quit helping anyone. My ex had a habit of giving someone something just to get rid of it, and then feeling entitled to select something she did want from the recipient. Many women feel a strong obligation to feed anyone under their roof, even if they don't have any appropriate food, and the guest has no hunger.

 

[Hypnalis]

You've done a favour for someone. You're the type of person to always help out when you can if it is not too much of an expense, but you're also a bit confused about reciprocation. Do you personally think it is better to accept any 'gift'/favour back or to not accept anything to appear graceful? I've read that people can get angry at refusals in these scenarios. Just curious for different thoughts and experiences.

This varies a lot across cultures.

In terms of personal behavior with people who aren't good friends:

* If you don't feel you'll be able to ask for something of equal value in return, don't do anything that takes significant time or other resources
* Learn to politely refuse requests (**)

Cultures that handle this well have protocols for it. They vary, but in my experience it always starts small. And they allow for asking for something in return if it's a disproportionally large request.

Always watch out for people who ask, but never repay. This is very common, and this (below) makes you a target.

You're the type of person to always help out when you can if it is not too much of an expense

The solution to it is that you start small. Don't spend half a day helping someone you just met. After starting small, if you don't get something of equal value +/- 25% or so, refuse next time.

OFC Jonn's "pay it back to someone else" approach (post #3) is fine too. Everyone can and should set their own rules for things like this. Just don't waste time on parasites.

PS: I'm going through this right now with someone who's originally from a Latin culture, but where we live doesn't have good protocols for this. So we're using the well-developed protocols of the Latin culture, but in the local language, which doesn't have exactly the right words.
The process has been a lot more interesting than I expected

(**)
People you don't already know well, and don't owe any favors to, have no right to push back when you refuse a request. Questioning your decision; demanding a "valid" reason; a sob story; claiming this demonstrates you're a bad person; - everything like that is a reliable indicator of a parasite. Disengage ... forever.

 

[Rodafina]

Do you personally think it is better to accept any 'gift'/favour back or to not accept anything to appear graceful?

I think people typically give gifts because it feels good to them. (I don't believe gift giving is altruistic as some may describe it).

Just like you wanted to help them (you say you always help out when you can) because it has some psychological benefit to you, it seems right to allow them the same psychological benefit and accept the gift graciously.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

You've done a favour for someone. You're the type of person to always help out when you can if it is not too much of an expense, but you're also a bit confused about reciprocation. Do you personally think it is better to accept any 'gift'/favour back or to not accept anything to appear graceful? I've read that people can get angry at refusals in these scenarios. Just curious for different thoughts and experiences.

With this, one must consider the context and perspective. In some situations, this takes on a cultural dynamic. In some situations, it takes on a professional dynamic. In some cultures, refusing gifts, favors, help, etc. can be quite insulting. In healthcare, for example, as doctors, nurses, therapists, etc. we are not allowed to accept personal gifts (money, jewelry, etc.) from patients and family, but if someone wants to bring in food for the entire team, a couple boxes of donuts, or perhaps a bouquet of flowers and a thank you card, for example, that is acceptable.

 

[TBRS1]

The general formula is this:

A business transaction is not a personal transaction so must include adequate compensation.

A personal interaction is not a business transaction, so compensation is in poor taste.

A true gift does not have strings attached. If it does, it becomes part of a business transaction.

A lack of clarity occurs when business transactions and personal interactions are mixed. Avoid allowing this to happen. Be clear about what is really going on.

 

[Zain]

A personal interaction is not a business transaction, so compensation is in poor taste.

I don't understand this part.

 

[TBRS1]

I don't understand this part.

If your friend needs help moving, you do it for free (token compensation, like "I'll buy you a beer" is OK).

Your friend should not offer $5 to get you to help, nor should you ask for compensation, unless everybody is clear that you are now acting as an employee, not as a friend.

If you are paid to do a job, you should be paid a fair price.

If "friend" actions get mixed up with "employee" actions, things can get confused & people can end up feeling like they were played.

 

[AprilR]

It depends on how close you are to the person i think. If we are very close friends, they may get offended for reciprocating, but if not they may say refuse once or twice because of manners but accept afterwards.

At least in my culture, insisting in such matters is normal, as is refusing once or twice and accepting afterwards

 

[Aspychata]

There are very different answers here, and it does depend on many different factors. The two biggest ones in my mind is cultural and context, and finally familiarity with the receiver. I like helping with acts of service because usually the receiver dosent feel like they need to return anything but the words thank you. I will give a Xmas gift card to the HOA receptionist if they actually guide with info on the gated community l live in. But l feel zero obligation to give the garbage detail people gift cards, nor postal workers, for different reasons. But because l came from an Italian family, it is very difficult for me to go to dinner at someone's house without a gift of flowers, wine, or a dessert, etc. It feels wrong.

 

[Judge]

Some people are fixated on being transactional, while others are not.

That such a question boils down to what truly motivates them. Being transactions seems considerably easier to rationalize compared to being truly kind of caring, and giving without any measure of it.

 

[Misty Avich]

It can work the other way too, where you make one mistake due to honest ignorance and then you're paying for it for the rest of your life. You intend to forgive and move on but they won't and they just want to make sure you're paying for your mistake, not just once but for the rest of your life, even if you have a genuine explanation for why you made the mistake. But when you explain yourself (whilst admitting to being in the wrong) you're just accused of "justifying yourself" and they're not going to listen to you or give you the benefit of the doubt. They just hold on to the fact that you said the wrong thing once and there's nothing you can do about it. It's very frustrating.

If someone said the wrong thing to me and triggered me, then I return after not being around to speak to them for a while and they seemed to have moved on and are speaking to me civilly again, I'll move on too and be civil back, with a bit of a relief that the ordeal is behind us, even if it did involve having to agree to disagree. But sometimes you just have to agree to disagree in life for your own sanity. I don't expect an apology. If someone has demonstrated that they have moved on from when they triggered me, that's good enough for me. I just take their past triggering words as them having an impulsive moment where they didn't think before they posted (I have those all the time) and then after a break both parties have had time to cool down then we start a fresh. That's all I ask. I hate conflict and hostility. It makes me very anxious and uncomfortable.

 

[Jeff T]

I try to go the simple way, and not get bogged down in smaller and smaller nuances in the whole "transaction" of giving.

If a friend or family member needs help, I help them out. There is no indebtedness involved to either of us. Some people simply need more assistance; and some don't need any.
There is no scorecard.
As for people getting angry or upset, that's primarily on them. The only way to completely avoid the possibilty of offending someone is to not have any interaction with them. People have different triggers, and I can't grok what they may be.
On my own, I don't ask for help from others. Friendship is good enough. I'm stubbornly independent and solely responsible for my own welfare. As I approach my 70s I hope this can continue. But it's likely I will develop dementia and start needing assistance.

 

[Mary Terry]

I give gifts because it makes me feel good. I like to be generous because it makes me feel good. If someone gives me a gift, I am grateful that they thought enough of me to give me something they thought I'd appreciate (even if I don't actually want the gift) and I always thank them.

Gifts in the business world is entirely different. There is always a sense of reciprocal obligation in that world.

 

[Rachie]

When I do something I do it freely and I don't like the idea of giving back. It happens though. My mum does this to me a lot.

For example today I added someone else's link to something I have written. I let the person know and had to reassure them that I was encouraging them and letting them know I am spreading their work freely. I guess I am a bit strange in that sense as some people are so competitive they would never share anyone's work freely but I like to do it when I may be cannot help relate to someone and some else can.