Do you feel envious and compare yourself to others?

[Dillon]

I’m just going to ramble for a bit and it may not make sense but I’ll try:

This month will be 6 months of unemployment and I’ve still been trying really hard to gain employment again. I have 15 job referrals for various governmental positions for potential interviews and hoping this new year will turn around.
That’s besides the point though as for some reason I’m getting pretty envious/jealous of some of my friends who are NT getting jobs much quicker than I am and it’s the same type of jobs I try to apply for mainly environmental and science jobs or others who have went the healthcare route. We all went to the same school and had the same classes together with different levels of experience.

I see a post on LinkedIn of one of my friends who says “I am happy to announce I have obtained a position at blah blah blah” and I’m just sitting there like when is it ever going to be my turn?
It particularly doesn’t help when I have people around me who already has a job says stuff like “don’t worry your time will come” or “have you tried this or that?”
The amount of emotion I get that pipes up in me knowing that I have a bachelors and masters degree in environmental science, I taught college students as a science lab instructor for 2 and a half years, was a research assistant for 3 years, worked as field technician for an environmental consulting firm for 2 years and was also an environmental educator for 7-8 months and yet with all that experience I end up not being able to get another job due to unemployment but yet I have a friend with the lack of experience get an offer just like that. Not to mention a few of my NT friends who already have successful careers and have never been fired/unemployed don’t have to worry about the symptoms that manifest with ASD like burnout, masking and not having the social differences and I envy them for that.
I feel like as an autistic person It has taken me a bit longer to get to where I want to be in my professional development than other people around me because hey I have my own problems I need to work them out while you as an NT don’t have to deal with the anguish of the aspects of ASD.

Is it just natural for us autistic people to feel so judgmental and jealous towards our NT peers like this? Do any of you tend to feel more emotion that gets bottled up when something seems to be going so slow or a set back occurs?

 

[Jumpinbare]

In my late tweens or early teens, I accepted I was too different from most people to compare myself to them, so I haven't. I'm me and they're them

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Read my post history. It's so brutal. I am even envious of the OP on just having the education college degree's I lack because of my idiotic stupid brain, aka my latest post.

I am getting therapy now, I am finally in the right church community which is helping me, who was the one who got me a therapist after months of failed attempts. I believe now they are going to help me with my therapist stop being envious, hate less and get me more involved into volunteer and employment.

 

[Outdated]

Is it just natural for us autistic people to feel so judgmental and jealous towards our NT peers like this? Do any of you tend to feel more emotion that gets bottled up when something seems to be going so slow or a set back occurs?

To put it plainly and simply - No. I've never envied anyone else's luck or abilities, and it sounds like a real quick way to end up depressed and miserable. I always lived my own life in my own way and never compared wether I was better or worse off than others.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

The reality is that we live in an overwhelmingly neurotypical world, and most of the time, given the choice between interacting with a person with an autism or another neurotypical, they would chose the later. We all know this. This has been our entire life experience. Studies have shown that neurotypicals will make these decisions within the first few seconds of meeting us. They might not know it is autism per se, but they will almost immediately know something is "off", and it might not be something they can accurately describe, but regardless, it triggers their amygdala's. It's part of the reason why, as an instructor and mentor, I will make a humorous comment about this phenomenon right away to my students and new employees, and then "out myself" as autistic. I want to let them know that this is what they are sensing consciously or unconsciously, and then use some humor to alleviate the signals from their amygdala's.

Unless you are dealing with an employer who is also on the spectrum, or perhaps is specifically seeking individuals who are on the spectrum for various reasons, or is interested in someone with higher degrees of concentration/focus upon their job, then we need to "dazzle them" with our positive attitude, competence, and drive to make them successful.

 

[NB79]

I have healthy envy, i mean you can do 2 things when you wish for something others have, wish you were in their situation, or get envious and wish harm on them, or be hostile to them, i have a healthy envy for people who compose music, waking up from a nap with a song in your head and expressing your soul like that with an instrument seems awesome to me. Also i have healthy envy for people who don't need to worry about money.

 

[Misty Avich]

It is so depressing and isolating to know that we just turn people off no matter what. Makes me really hate myself. It's no good giving me the old "well it's the way it is so you've just got to accept isolation" logic, because that doesn't work with my type of brain. I have normal neurotypical social desires hardwired into my brain by default, so expecting me to "just accept it and get on with it" is like putting an NT into isolation from other people and telling them to just accept their fate now and be happy.

 

[Sherlock77]

I feel like my life is dull and boring, and everyone else but me has far grander adventures, the scourge of social media... I do feel like I live in hinterland where not much happens... And in general I feel less accomplished than many other people I know, but then do I have to "accomplish" anything? Maybe I just need to live my life whatever that means, and I do that most of the time, but I get that feeling on occasion...

 

[Rocco]

It is difficult when comparing oneself to others. I have to remind myself periodically not to do that. I heard a phrase once that helped me understand why we should not compare ourselves to others.

Do not compare someone else’s “stage show” to your own “behind the scenes”.

The more I pondered this the more sense it makes. All we see is what others display, be it on social media, brief interactions, stories, or photos. We cannot see the struggles beneath their surface “stage show”. As autistics we are intimately familiar with our own “behind the scenes” including our struggles and failures. We know all of our own ugly details and skipped parts not displayed in a “stage show” there is no “magic” in our special effects, or polished presentation.

An easier explanation of the concept is literally the difference between what it looks like and what happens behind the curtains of a show/ tv/ movie on stage compared to the final stage show presentation (or Final Cut of a movie) that viewers actually see.

A polished finished product displayed almost always seems better than the messy “behind the scenes” documentary. It’s the same in entertainment and in life.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

It is so depressing and isolating to know that we just turn people off no matter what. Makes me really hate myself. It's no good giving me the old "well it's the way it is so you've just got to accept isolation" logic, because that doesn't work with my type of brain. I have normal neurotypical social desires hardwired into my brain by default, so expecting me to "just accept it and get on with it" is like putting an NT into isolation from other people and telling them to just accept their fate now and be happy.

We all have our process of wrapping all this around our brains and finding some peace with it. No doubt, it took me decades.

An example: Some people are stricken with a terminal illness, some even given a timeline, one year to live, for example. How do some people go through that process of accepting it, even some others having some positivity about experiencing life? This is a mystery to me. Personally, I am so afraid of death right now, I have got so many things on my list of things to experience, and I don't want that left uncompleted. I could not imagine receiving a terminal diagnosis and thinking, "Everything is going to be alright." like some people do.

So, I do have that empathy for you, and others like you. However, do understand, I've been through MY process already with acceptance of my condition and situation in life. I know that there are things I do not have control over, so I DO have to simply accept that "It is what it is." If there are things in my life I do have control over and can change, I will give push in that direction. You haven't completed your journey yet. You will likely, someday, as well. It just isn't today, and that's OK.

 

[Dillon]

To put it plainly and simply - No. I've never envied anyone else's luck or abilities, and it sounds like a real quick way to end up depressed and miserable. I always lived my own life in my own way and never compared wether I was better or worse off than others.

I believe that’s been my problem for a while where earlier on I was severely depressed for the first bit while unemployed thinking I’m not going to get anywhere again in terms of growth while my peers are going at it but after a while I just got numb to the aspect and realized it is better to take things slow and not to quick. I might actually not end up liking the result once I achieve it right away from lack of patience and be miserable when I get settled in.

 

[Xinyta]

Is it just natural for us autistic people to feel so judgmental and jealous towards our NT peers like this? Do any of you tend to feel more emotion that gets bottled up when something seems to be going so slow or a set back occurs?

Honestly. I'd not limit it to NDs being jealous of NTs. Envy is part of the human condition. But it's up to each individual to decide to how they wish to handle this. People who are sure of themselves, do not need to listen to things like the envies of thier mind. They are merely intrusive thoughts. Nothing more. As transient as feelings you have in the moment.

But this doesn't mean that I don't understand where you are coming from. I do.

I have problems with envy. But mine is sourced in childhood. Jealous of others for having 'normal' family lives, or at least having a full/supportive family. It's been with me a long time. Especially with my stepmother's behavior, and my father's frequent absenteeism, fueling this further.

It a different situation. But it's the same thing in concept. You are asking for hell, when you start comparing yourself to others.

I feel like as an autistic person It has taken me a bit longer to get to where I want to be in my professional development than other people around me because hey I have my own problems I need to work them out while you as an NT don’t have to deal with the anguish of the aspects of ASD.

I'd take most of this and reframe it slightly differently.

You are Autistic and that is fine. You will need to figure things out your own way. NTs will have thier paths. We have our own. We cannot reasonably believe that how we get there will be EXACTLY the same. That will get you nowhere.

Yes NTs will not know our issues as NDs. But NTs DO feel stress. They DO struggle. They DO have doubts. It's just different.

 

[mysterionz]

Sadly yes

 

[AprilR]

Envy is a normal human emotion. I also feel it sometimes because i am also unemployed and basically a failure compared to NT standards.

But i try to keep in mind that i am not NT and those people don't face the difficulties i do. But yes it is hard to not judge yourself with NT standards when basically everyone you interact with in everyday life is NT, and people treat you like you can do everything they can. (At least in my case since i live in a society where people are not even aware autistic people like me exist)

Also another thing to keep in mind, life is unfair. Not everyone gets what is coming to them. This sounds depressing at first but it is the truth. There are lots of people who live with horrible illnesses and struggle with poverty. I try to be thankful for the things i have, like my parents, my health and the fact that i am not as poor enough to be homeless.

 

[FayetheAspie]

I don't feel jealous of being neurotypical. I just wish more neurotypicals would give people with ASD a chance to show them how well we can do a job if given the opportunity. There are areas like pattern recognition that we tend to excel at moreso than the average neurotypical but most everything is based on social skills which we tend to come up short in. Our general level of ability seems to be judged frequently by our social skills and social networking capacity (or lack thereof) but in reality they are not directly proportional.

 

[Judge]

For whatever reasons pathologically speaking, I do not experience envy or jealousy.

Yet I can observe such traits in other people. Very strange, and to date I have no clear understanding if this is autism-related. Only a tiny number of members here seem to share this or comment about it.

Sometimes it seems helpful for me, at other times it can be hurtful. Though it always seems to me to be a plus to always respect the resources I have, as opposed to only those one wishes for. Keeps me grounded in reality, though at times it has been problematic in relationships with women who expected me to be jealous at times and resented it when I wasn't.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

Being envious and jealous are simply mechanisms for ruining my present and my future.

Sure, when I was a kid and young adult, I struggled with this selfish why can't I be rich and famous and a leader that people think is wonderful. Why can't people see the value of ME!

But it was unproductive and as I learned more about the kinds of lives that are lived all around the world, with trips to Indonesia and Central America, I could see I was lucky to have what I did. When I learned of the repressions that women in Islamic cultures must undergo, I cringe. I'd have been one of the ones who was stoned to death at about age six.

For all the crap I've been through, I can say I've been very, very lucky to have the life I do.

 

[Outdated]

I never understood fashion. I never understood people wanting things just because others have them. I know what I like and what I don't like. And when I use the word "fashion" I'm not just referring to clothing, in modern society it includes what foods you eat, what phone you have, what car you drive.

The whole shebang just doesn't make sense to me, why would I want to live someone else's dreams. My only goal in life has been to be happy and without stress, and for the most part I've been far more successful than most people. Even when I was living under a stretch of tarpaulin in the bush I still considered myself to be far better off than the average mug in the street going through the daily grind. Having dirt floors saves you a lot of trouble with housework too.

 

[Judge]

I never understood fashion.

I didn't really either. Until I learned about economics.

"Good capitalists exploit demand. Great capitalists invent it."

 

[Outdated]

"Good capitalists exploit demand. Great capitalists invent it."

I understand that side of it well enough, it works. I can't relate to people's mindset on that myself though, I understand it in the abstract and know how to make use of it but it seems I was born without that gene. The online ordering page for McDonalds always tickled me with this, the very first thing in the list is a section called Most Popular. Why would I care if lots of people like nuggets, I know I want a burger and chips.