Do you like dominant partners?

[Sheogorath]

Hello everyone,

For some reason, I've always had a thing for partners who were more dominant than me. And as a female, that's not something that is being perceived as a positive thing. I think that's because the negative association people have with the word "dominance". It often makes us think of bullies, annoying managers or forceful and abusive partners. However, that's not necessarily what being dominant means. For instance, someone can be a natural leader or have a very strong personality. A person can demand respect just by the way talk and move. I guess "dominance" here just means "natural authority".

I always thought it was Asperger syndrome related. Now that I am an adult who has to make her own choices, I kind of "miss" the secure feeling my parents used to offer me. And I feel I try to compensate that by being drawn to rather dominant personalities. It just feels like an oasis of rest to be around someone who gives direction and takes the lead. It's a form of reliability and safety that I need.
Now, I don't want you to get the wrong impression of me. Don't get me wrong: I am not someone who likes to be commanded or told what to do. I don't have a submissive personality. Actually, it's quite the contrary: I am an assertive person with a clear opinion. In my friend group I am always the loudest voice. But as soon as it comes down to boyfriend material, I need someone who can make things calm and organized in my life and inside my head.

It's because of the fact that I am drawn to these men that I often end up being with someone who is older than me. A person like that is often more mature and has more life experience, which also makes me feel more secure around them. I guess it's a way of projecting parent-like expectations on the shoulders of my partner.

...I wonder if you have the same thing, or or have another interesting story to share. I am not that good at the whole "relationship" thing, and I learn loads from the way other people go about it.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Cesar Millan uses the word "dominance" in talking about how to be a good dog owner. A lot of people take offence at his use of this word. They think it means being abusive to the dog or something. But it doesn't mean that. He just means being the dog's leader. Most dogs are actually happier when their owner is dominant.

 

[Sheogorath]

Cesar Millan uses the word "dominance" in talking about how to be a good dog owner. A lot of people take offence at his use of this word. They think it means being abusive to the dog or something. But it doesn't mean that. He just means being the dog's leader. Most dogs are actually happier when their owner is dominant.

True. I don't want people to think I was refering to abusive or forceful people when I used the word "dominant".

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Never been married, but I have to say that if I ever do manage to get "hitched" my hunny would have to be more of a "take charge" type of guy. I couldn't have any respect for him if I was having to wear the pants in the family. Of course, I would still like to be heard on my opinions and decisions should be made as a "team", but I would definitely need a hunny with a strong shoulder for me to lean on when things get tough and know what to do during those times.

 

[On the Inside]

I am male, and while I am not someone who sits around waiting for someone to tell me what to do, I am rather passive in relationships. Mostly I believe this comes from not really needing much out of another person. I like to spend time with people I get along with, or enjoy similar interests, and I am sexual, so there's that. I don't really know what I am looking for when it comes to dating, if I am attracted to someone and enjoy their personality, its good. I've never consciously looked for a particular type.

I have been in two long term relationships, and those have been a different story. Looking back, the partners I have had both were stronger in areas where I was seriously lacking. The first was a fun party girl type, sweet in her way with a very strong relationship with her family. I came from a rather distant and difficult family, and I am not close to any of my siblings. I really enjoyed being part of a warm and caring family. I also leaned heavily on her for socializing. Left to my own, I can go weeks without getting together with anyone outside of work, she brought a whole lot of friends and social gatherings to my lonely life.

The second and current relationship is with a woman very different from my ex. Very smart, goal oriented, no nonsense type who is willing to take on difficult tasks to reap the rewards. Very different from me. When we met, I had been trying to get off my arse and get on with life and her drive and organization seemed like just what I needed. My few close friends were very supportive of our relationship. I have done a lot of things I probably never would have done if not for her.She has said that she wants a relationship of equals, not necessarily the same, but where one is able to take up where the other leaves off.

So, while not dominant in the way you describe it, the partners I've had have been the yin to my yang, so to speak. Able where I am not.

 

[Sass]

I can relate to this. I actually spent a large portion of my dating years (not that there were many, I met my husband when I was 22 and we've been together for almost 14 years) being attracted to slight waft and unreliable arty types (and not all arty types are like that), who were not 'take charge' dudes at all. Then I met my husband and he's much more solid in that respect. I guess there's an element of traditional male role there too. In saying that though, over the years I've noticed that our roles have changed quite markedly, in that I take charge of most things, especially with the kids and our finances etc.

 

[Ylva]

Making decisions costs energy, and I must admit I prefer people who can make them over people who ask me three times what I want to do and seven times if I am sure about that.

 

[Cali Cat]

I wish I were attracted to dominant males. I've always dreamed of having a take-charge kind of guy. For some reason, though, I'm never very interested in these men when I encounter them. They are also not interested in me. The best I've ever done was my late husband, who at least had a good head on his shoulders, even if I was the one clearly in charge of the decision-making process. I think my own personality is too dominate, and I clash wills with dominate men. I don't like the role of "leader," but I'm not built to be a follower either. Sadly, I find it very hard to respect men who wait for me to direct them, and I end up feeling more like their mother than their significant other.

 

[StephF]

No

 

[Sheogorath]

I wish I were attracted to dominant males. I've always dreamed of having a take-charge kind of guy. For some reason, though, I'm never very interested in these men when I encounter them. They are also not interested in me. The best I've ever done was my late husband, who at least had a good head on his shoulders, even if I was the one clearly in charge of the decision-making process. I think my own personality is too dominate, and I clash wills with dominate men. I don't like the role of "leader," but I'm not built to be a follower either. Sadly, I find it very hard to respect men who wait for me to direct them, and I end up feeling more like their mother than their significant other.

I guess it is difficult to explain. I am an assertive person who demands respect, and doesn't like to be bossed around. But I feel as if a side of me just needs someone who can take the lead sometimes. Although my Asperger has never really bothered me before, it starts to be quite an issue for me now that I have to take care of myself. Going somewhere unfamiliar stresses me out - and I used to have my mother to tell me "it's allright". I can't handle chaos or new situations, and I feel as if I need someone who can organize things an give directions so I know what to do. Not in a forceful way, but in a more caring way.

No

Good

 

[Cali Cat]

I guess it is difficult to explain. I am an assertive person who demands respect, and doesn't like to be bossed around. But I feel as if a side of me just needs someone who can take the lead sometimes. Although my Asperger has never really bothered me before, it starts to be quite an issue for me now that I have to take care of myself. Going somewhere unfamiliar stresses me out - and I used to have my mother to tell me "it's allright". I can't handle chaos or new situations, and I feel as if I need someone who can organize things an give directions so I know what to do. Not in a forceful way, but in a more caring way.

Yes, I understand this. I'm that way too. Honestly, I don't think I would've ever married if I hadn't needed someone to at least consult with about decisions. My mother was very good about directing me. My first attempt at marriage was a disaster. My first husband did not have good sense, and I couldn't depend on his counsel. However, my second husband was an Aspie too. He was very intelligent and made a good sounding board with very good, logic-driven opinions. He also acted as a buffer in chaotic or new environments. At least I knew I wasn't alone, and I had someone with me who could talk me down if I started to freak out. We both acted in that capacity for each other. Even if there was the possibility we'd both freak at the same time, chances were good one of us would be coherent enough to deal with the situation. Safety in numbers, as they say.

 

[King_Oni]

I don't do well with dominance from others at all, not even in relationships. I like to be in charge and make decisions, because if I don't I know I'll end up in situations I have no interest in. And there are plenty I have no interest in. I suppose I'm a bit of a controlfreak as well, so take that in account as well. And perhaps my desire to stay on top is too much for some people, especially the degree that I'm like.

However, it doesn't mean I'd expect a partner to be submissive in that sense that someone has to jump through hoops. The notion of not being a pro-active person in that regard and let others decide bothers me enough though.

What also gets to me is when people seemingly are fine with your decision making, but are actually hesitant all the time. I mean, great if you agree that I can make plans but don't start drama about how you want to do X, then decide you don't want to, then decide you do... and so on. Stick to your choices. Ended up in many arguments where I just went "we're doing this and that's final". I'm not a babysitter that has to tell the kids the suck it up and deal with it.

Guess I come across as some harsh domineering guy, lol... in practice it's not that bad I think though. I like to discuss all ideas beforehand cause I don't like someone to be unhappy because I'm just pushing through my own agenda regardless on what someone else wants. I prefer both parties to be motivationally involved and driven by whatever we're doing, not force it on to someone.

I've always found it way more fun to be with someone who can deal with me being a bit more in charge, but at least isn't passive herself... well himself even, since it even applies to friends and plans I make with them.

 

[On the Inside]

being attracted to slight waft and unreliable arty types (and not all arty types are like that), who were not 'take charge' dudes at all.

I think I fall into the unreliable arty types, not "take charge" dudes. At least where it comes to working with others.

I know what I want to do and how I want to do it. And generally think others operate the same way, and we can work things out in the process. But often, add another person and things break down. I can't get reads on other people"s expectations, and my ex was the type who would go along with things thinking that I knew what her unvoiced expectations were, only to have her lose it when things veered to far for her. If someone has expectations, they have to let me know clearly, or I will carry on in my way, which is going to be different, maybe even a little weird. I see the world differently than most people, and have my own perspective and priorities. I assume people are OK with that, unless they say so.

King Oni makes a good point that I think I have not given enough weight for myself. I have been in a lot of situations I had no interest in by not making decisions and taking charge, at least by not looking out for my own needs and interests. The difference is, I am usually able to go along and not freak out. I can't handle people freaking out when they've abdicated responsibility. I have been realizing that I need to do some work on proper use of assertiveness.

 

[King_Oni]

Something I do want to add to all this, since I saw Sass bring it up; role models. I'm not sure how much the notion of traditional role models applies to me as a male and taking charge. What's funny to realize is that's often not just you who decides how the role model applies; your partner could very much make it work more in a role model sense, if she, as a female would expect you as a male to be more in charge.

What I'm saying is that I never really identified with being a male (role model) in the regard of dominance with this; well can wonder if there's any area I have been that genderoriented. At least not actively in that I felt "I'm male so I must be in charge"... I'm just bad with being told what to do as a person.

Here's some irony; not being dominant based on gender roles, but being put in that position because of your significant others notion of tradtional gender roles and therefore pretty much putting it on you. Makes you wonder who exactly is the dominant partner of the two, lol.

 

[Warmheart]

While these two traits are not mutually exclusive, I'd choose someone who wants to be attuned to my feelings over someone who's got strong natural leadership tendencies, any day. The very hard, masculine, alpha males may have generous hearts, but they tend to be more interested in externals. Not my cuppa tea. Gentle, mellow, easygoing impresses me more.

 

[On the Inside]

Here's some irony; not being dominant based on gender roles, but being put in that position because of your significant others notion of tradtional gender roles and therefore pretty much putting it on you. Makes you wonder who exactly is the dominant partner of the two, lol.

Role models. This is an area of great concern for me. While my partner says she isn't comparing me to others, she often brings up how so-and-so is doing what he should be doing, for his relationship, for his family. These guys are playing the traditional man's role within the relationship. Usually in contrast to how I am behaving.


The role models I had for this was my dad, a steaming, conservative, A-type, do it my way kind of guy, and my uncle who was an extremely intelligent, quiet, gentle giant who respectfully lived and let live.

I've never really thought of the interplay between dominance/passivity and expectations.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I think I might be on the same page, Gryffix. I am incredibly stubborn and strong-willed, so I don't deal well with somebody who's bossy. But I don't want somebody who has no mind of their own. I'm not fond of the really aggressive types or the ones that are really submissive. I like it balanced. He can take the lead on some things, I can take the lead on others. Relaxed and confident. =)

I don't give a hoot about gender roles. Some are fun, some I don't like, but I don't see any as a rule. And thank goodness I have a guy the same way, and that he also likes the same traditional stuff that I do!

 

[Ste11aeres]

I like someone who's medium. Neither dominant nor submissive, able to adjust to the situation. My best friend is like that, actually, able to to follow or lead, command or obey, according to what is appropriate. So I guess I have the same taste in my friends that I would have in a partner.

 

[daisychain]

I think it's good you know what you need/like in a relationship.

I'm just throwing this out there (wondering if it's true for NTs and Aspies) -- are you by any chance a 2nd born or middle child or youngest child? And have the men you've been attracted to been first borns? I know I'm the 4th of 5 and my ex was a first born and my current boyfriend (Aspie) is a first born. They take charge and I like that. I'm comfortable with that. I'm used to that. It feels normal to me.

Just wondering.

 

[Sheogorath]

I think it's good you know what you need/like in a relationship.

I'm just throwing this out there (wondering if it's true for NTs and Aspies) -- are you by any chance a 2nd born or middle child or youngest child? And have the men you've been attracted to been first borns? I know I'm the 4th of 5 and my ex was a first born and my current boyfriend (Aspie) is a first born. They take charge and I like that. I'm comfortable with that. I'm used to that. It feels normal to me.

Just wondering.

I am actually the oldest