Do you recognize this type of behaviour?

[Joshua the Writer]

As an Aspie boy who has left the single's club, I have never really displayed this type of behavior since middle school, when I wasn't allowed to have a girlfriend because my mom said I'm too young.

 

[Gig3]

Hi Sophie,
Indeed I do recognize the feelings and behaviors you mentioned. I was diagnosed as high functioning autism last year, so for me it may be a case of social anxiety or even manifestations of asexuality. I'm not sure how these are related to AS, but it wouldn't surprise me if there were some connection. It's difficult for me to discuss these issues because most people don't understand. This doesn't mean that there is anything wrong, of course. I think I understand some of your feelings and circumstances based on my own experiences. While these kinds of issues can be problematic and confusing, it's also part of the life experience. You can try different approaches, but be true to yourself and prepared to learn and grow from whatever you do.

 

[ilovetochat87]

I grew up with very heavy issues with bullying in my whole life not ever knowing why because I wasn't diagnosed . I went through a private Christian school kindergarten through second and then we discovered that I was very much like a boy in the class that had ADD but my mom didn't think that was the answer but that was as close as we could come up with so we ran with it and that Ritalin didn't do jack except make me very sick and sleepy and I lost my appetite and all that and I was irritable etc. and it caused motor Tourette's nothing verbal just motor Tourette's severely . So we got off of it and I think again when I was 15 or 16 we got an official diagnosis of AS (Aspergers Syndrome).

In between those times second-grad to ninth-grade I would go back-and-forth between a normal school and homeschool until we figured something out and it was just crazy bc every time we try normal school whether it be Christian or public I would just get picked on like ants thrown on my head or told that I made lies up and I had to recite from the Bible about lying which I was a kid I didn't understand what that meant or hard-to-find in the Bible about lying and my mom was very disappointed with how people would treat me. The way that I responded was also telling of something more.

She eventually took all the findings when I was 16 and the doctor said she was right that I had AS. She found it before other people did bc it still was very unknown at the time and if my mom had not done something they wouldn't have thought of it. Homeschool was the best option socially and mentally as far as learning because I learn one-on-one very easily way better but my mom decided that she wanted to go back to work and I had to do work for myself and homeschooling myself proved to fail without the parent constantly telling me quit being distracted and get to work and helping me so I went to high school in the public system and I'd only been in the public system a couple times and I didn't really know much about regular school to begin with I mostly was homeschooled we only ever put me in a regular school system for a tiny amount of time every time and then pulled me back out once we realized that was a crappy idea and went right back to homeschooling so my majority was spent in homeschool with my mom so I was very terrified going into high school. I knew nothing about real school that much. and I was extremely overwhelmed with people everywhere and I didn't know where I was supposed to go I didn't like the fact that there wasn't really anybody to tell me where my classes were and I had to find them for myself. I never really experienced that. What if I got to the wrong classroom or I sat at the wrong desk what if I didn't understand something? I was very overwhelmed by that.

I ended up getting a diagnosis from the school that forest year of high school because they found out I had a official diagnosis and they wanted to figure out where to place me in classes. I was the only student out of 1700 kids that had a S there was one other individual but he was a senior and it was his last semester so that really didn't count and it wasn't until I came in that they were working with him so they had no experience beyond low functioning kids that have their own special ed class so it took them a lot of work to figure out where to place me.

And I was just beginning to understand how I worked as an individual in regards to the AS and I was placed in a CWC clas meaning class within a class where we go at the pace of the main class and I still feel like I'm part of the normal system but if I'm not keeping up fast enough and assistant teacher will get down at my level academically and help me so that I don't fall behind. There was a student in my class named Brandon who was Neuro typical meaning no intellectual disability and he saw that I was different but he didn't know why obviously or how obviously but he honed in on that I don't understand how Nuro typical people honing in on people with disabilities so easily like how do they know that we are off if we don't know it ourselves is there some kind of a signal we put out that we don't realize? He tried very desperately to get me to say hi to him and tell me that he liked me and that he wanted to go out with me and wanted to sit with me at lunch and I did the exact same thing that you were talking about I literally was like NOPE! I ran for the effing hills emotionally and I was all like a dick face to him totally said no I wouldn't talk to him I just kind of wouldn't respond I kept telling him no I didn't believe it and it kept pissing me off the more that he was insistent and then I realized maybe I was being a jerk by the time summer came around and I wanted desperately to find his number and tell him I was sorry so I did so and I left him a voicemail and told him that we could talk when school came back around and I give him a chance and it turned into he was playing me because I was easy and he told somebody who told me after one whole year of dating him that it was never an actual "date "that it was all fake and that I believe it was a date but it wasn't he just wanted to get me all excited and him and then break my heart because he knew I wouldn't understand and it would make it that much more sad when it broke my heart.

 

[ilovetochat87]

Also,
I think my problem is I didn't know if he was playing me. I can't tell the difference between someone being seriously liking me and somebody being an asshole just for kicks so I don't want to be the moron, The idiot that gets played and since I don't know how to tell the difference and I don't want to be dumb and ask are you serious or are you playing me because they probably won't tell me anyway if that's what they're doing you know I just decide to block myself, my heart but I miss out on opportunities if I don't give them a chance even if it's a possibility of them actually playing me the whole time. I could miss out another opportunity to say yes and have a good relationship. That's part of life if we get treated silly or we get a broken heart you know that's part of life but I'll never know one way or the other if I don't give it a shot. If I'm serious like no I don't trust you I don't think so and I'm a jerk about it and he ends up being a nice guy who just really liked me then I just killed a good thing, but I don't know how to read people very well so that is why I just say no and I look like an idiot and runaway. I do exactly what you describe in your post. You're not a weirdo that's not just a you thing. That's an Asperger thing trust me.

The way you described behaving towards relationships the way that you run away and you reject and you hide and say no for no reason and you're just immediately like nope I don't think so, that's not weird when it comes to AS although it's not normal to somebody that doesn't have intellectual disability. because a Neuro typical person would not behave that way. somebody on the spectrum with autism or Asperger's would probably behave that way that's totally normal behavior. I panicked because I got a strange vibe but at the same time I read people way off a lot of times so I didn't know if I was reading them correctly or reading them wrong so I told this kid nope don't think so. I panicked I freaked out for no reason and I rejected him at all cost. And I found that once I gave him a chance he saw me as easy because I finally did give in and that's what he wanted and now that he has me where he wants me I'm an easy target and he can just pretend to like me and then tell me that I'm stupid and an idiot and I'm a loser and crush me in front of the whole school and it worked.

After that I really never tried again I gave up. I was tired of that. I knew intellectually and socially I didn't know a whole lot about the birds and the bees I don't really know what that stuff iI, I mean kinda sorta but also kinda sorta not so I didn't really know and that added to it so I just resigned to I'm happy the way I am and I don't need a man and I am for the most part happy with who I am with or without . And I think that's probably an AS (Asperger's Syndrome) thing to just be okay with yourself you don't need to have somebody to make you happy you're happy all by yourself.

And then I met a guy about a year ago btw I'm 30 and I'm discovering very quickly that when he wants to do more than just kiss and take shirts off I panic. Like he wanted more and he immediately by instinct started going for the pants and I saw what I didn't want to see and I was like nope! And he was like are you okay? and I said nope I just kept like shouting nope instead of giving a real answer. That's my panic response is shouting nope and diverting my eyes and blocking with my hands and kind of miniature panic and I just couldn't I didn't want to. It was too much too soon I didn't want to deal with it I couldn't I didn't want to know no no I think I'm done for tonight.

I've discovered that what I don't understand what I can't control is very scary for me if I don't know how to do something I get panicked I get scared specially when it comes to that kind of area of things. I don't know what I'm doing I don't know how I would do it if I try and I think I panic because it's not something I control I don't know how to do it you just have to kind of without control without any knowledge just try and fail and try and fail until you figure it out and I want to do something that I get right the first time. When I make a recipe like let's say pie I'm gluten-free so I can't just eat any pie I want I have to make my pie usually and I'm not very good at it and what I do is I write recipes down and I keep them in a booklet and when I want to make something that I can't just go get I have to make because I'm gluten-free it's not as easy to just find so I gotta make it the hard way. I remember I wrote it down and I read off of what I had and that way it's exact every time. I need ultimatums, I need exacts etc. etc. if I can't control it if I don't understand it it scares me. Like if I am making something for a potluck that I've never made before and I've only got one attempt to make it because I'm not able to go back to the store between now and then and get more stuff if I make a mistake then I've got one of two options. Either don't make that and try to make it on a time that I can easily mistake and try it again because right now I don't really have but one attempt and I have to get it right the first time and I never made this before or I just try it and hope for the best. I made a cake in a 9 x 13" casserole bc I didn't have a regular cake pan. And therefore when I made the cake in a large very shallow 9 x 13 glass dish there was a lot more cake spread out it was more shallow and I didn't cook the same way as if it were any regular small square cake pan and it didn't work the way I thought and I was pissed and I cried. I just wanted cake for my birthday and I didn't want to spend $50 on a cake. with a normal cake that isn't gluten-free its nowhere near that so I thought I'd make myself a cake and forgot to buy the right pants so I had to use what I had and the cake didn't turn out the way I wanted and I was mad.

I think if I'm not in control I run away and I start to panic but I'm having to learn that's not how life works. You gotta communicate. You got to talk to people and tell them how you feel what's going on. If they realize I'm scared of sexual activities because I can't predict what's gonna happen then they might run away from me. Not necessarily tho! If I explain and we try to work it out like adults and we try to help me to understand that it's okay to not understand it's okay to not be in control to not know what's gonna come next and they'll be with me and they will help me maybe that won't be so bad but we'll never know if I don't try and communicate and I just panic and run away every time. I don't want to scare this guy off . So I'm learning communication is the key here. No it is not weird. It is because at the same time somebody without an intellectual disability would think this is very ludicrous and very strange and would probably be not okay with that and think we are a weirdo to approach it this way but that's a normal behavior for someone with this particular type of intellectual disability. It's not just you trust me. Across-the-board I guarantee you it's an Asperger or an autism thing we all do. We do it to different degrees but we all react similarly and probably for similar reasons because we're scared and we don't understand that we may not have control.

We don't always understand our emotions why we feel that way because we have difficulty with expressing how we feel and knowing why we feel that way. So The best you can do is try to communicatetalk to other people that are in the same boat and see what they do how do they work through those issues and start theirand take thoseadvices and use them.

 

[Grimm]

Hey Sophie, you're not alone. I have the exact same thing. The couples around me (parents, grandparents, other families) always had a perfect track record of being always in fights and drama. Also, a relationship could potentially lead to pregnancy etc and that scares me more than dying.

Always when a girl was showing signs she was into me, all of the bad memories that I had about relationships resurfaced and created an immediate panic...anxiety I suppose. I normally don't have anxiety. I thought about this. I am prone to remembering bad things considerably longer and better than good things. Is it the same with you maybe?