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Do you try to make friends by "buying" them?
- Thread starter Amy Stone
- Start date
I wouldn't call it buying anyone, or even trying to get friends by giving/doing. But, for those who become friends, they feel like family to me, and I would do/give whatever might make things easier, help, show, move their stuff, listen, advise, or other ways of sharing myself, or my creativity.
Like @Progster, I have also lost friends who borrowed money then never paid back. Not small amounts either. "Neither a borrower nor a lender be", but in the past, I did lend against my better judgment. Hard to say no when a 'friend' asks and I have plenty. In each case it caused the end of the friendship. I realised it was the price of letting go of someone who was never a real friend.
I don't have friends right now, but it always feels like love to give a bit of me or my time to someone who is.
Like @Progster, I have also lost friends who borrowed money then never paid back. Not small amounts either. "Neither a borrower nor a lender be", but in the past, I did lend against my better judgment. Hard to say no when a 'friend' asks and I have plenty. In each case it caused the end of the friendship. I realised it was the price of letting go of someone who was never a real friend.
I don't have friends right now, but it always feels like love to give a bit of me or my time to someone who is.
I don’t think I try to buy friends. I’m generally a nice person and I try to help out people I like or make gestures of appreciation (hey, office buddy, I’m getting a coffee, do you want me to bring you one?). But I don’t give people gifts until I am already friends with them.
I do occasionally bring home-baked goods to work for my back office team, but I feel like that’s a show of appreciation to them, not necessarily a bribe for friendship. I guess you could see it that way though. I think I mostly do that because I’ve watched other people do that and it seems to be something people do in work environments so I’ve just picked up the habit (that, and I shouldn’t be home alone with baked goods because I will eat them all, so the back office is a convenient place to rid myself of them
)
I do occasionally bring home-baked goods to work for my back office team, but I feel like that’s a show of appreciation to them, not necessarily a bribe for friendship. I guess you could see it that way though. I think I mostly do that because I’ve watched other people do that and it seems to be something people do in work environments so I’ve just picked up the habit (that, and I shouldn’t be home alone with baked goods because I will eat them all, so the back office is a convenient place to rid myself of them
)
There were times in the past I would send my video game friends rather generous in-game items.
With NT classmates & co-workers (and neurds, too), I just do me.
If there is a way that I can bless others along the way,
If there is a way that I can bless others along the way,
I will certainly do so,
but it doesn't require anything in return.
I would hope that it generates reciprocal good-will,but it doesn't require anything in return.
but I was going to do that thing, anyway.
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I've never thought of that, can't say that I do it
I generally connect with people through shared interested, the local arts scene, music and poetry scene, an my involvement in photography, my circle of close friends is quite small but I have a fairly broad group of people I know through different involvements and interests
I have never "bought" people, but a true friendship should be reciprocal, and as someone else said the best gift within a friendship (new or old) is time itself...
I generally connect with people through shared interested, the local arts scene, music and poetry scene, an my involvement in photography, my circle of close friends is quite small but I have a fairly broad group of people I know through different involvements and interests
I have never "bought" people, but a true friendship should be reciprocal, and as someone else said the best gift within a friendship (new or old) is time itself...
Most people wouldn't consider it buying a friend, just gift giving. I am terrible at it and so rarely do it. I know where you are coming from by calling it "buying friends". I actually tried giving a gift with that intent when I was a kid and it was extremely awkward and I felt ashamed for trying it. To do it right comes naturally to some but I doubt if many of us are good at it.
I used to give a lot, impulsive spending and gifting etc. But you tend to end up giving so much that it takes from yourself, and it's not healthy. Also, you can wind up attracting users.
These days I focus on myself. And if I go out to meet friends etc, we will each pay our own way, rather than me feeling obliged to cover the cost for everyone.
Ed
These days I focus on myself. And if I go out to meet friends etc, we will each pay our own way, rather than me feeling obliged to cover the cost for everyone.
Ed
_eri_bellehumeur
Well-Known Member
I wouldn't call what I do trying to buy friends- it's more that I feel it's the best way I have to show the people I care about that I care. I'm a hermit and love my own company, so can easily go extended periods of time without speaking to another person (like weeks, even). I worry that people might think i don't care so the gifts are my way of saying that they are important to me. This is only for people i know closely, already established friends and family- I feel uncomfortable accepting gifts from people I don't know so never do this as a means of forming a friendship.
I never tried to "buy" friends, but I would generously share my expertise and interests. That never seemed to work out as many did not reciprocate. I remember well one person who had an interest in paleontology. I took him to localities of outcrops, etc. and even introduced him to people from the Royal Ontario Museum. So when the King Tut exhibit was coming to the Field Museum he let slip that he was taking a road trip to see it. I asked if I could go along and he told me that there was no room as he was going with other friends. That hurt a lot.
It was a hard lesson about "takers". Happily I now have other friends who practice mutual care and sharing and I am the better for having their friendship.
It was a hard lesson about "takers". Happily I now have other friends who practice mutual care and sharing and I am the better for having their friendship.
In the military I sometimes bought donuts for other sections that I had to work with. As appreciation for work they were doing for my unit and as a kind of bribe for them to continue to help us out. Kinda obvious but it went to the worker bees and did in fact work pretty good. 
Lemon Zing
Well-Known Member
I pay for to see women, but that's about it. 
While that is purely transactional, I wouldn't do that with any American woman who couldn't be bothered to notice me in the first place. I'd rather expend that effort in Pattaya or at Soi Cowboy or Rana Plaza.I pay for to see women, but that's about it.
I never knew what a real friend was, I thought friends were someone to "be with" or "be like" and was open to a lot of mis-treatment.
"Gimme a sweet and I will be your best friend" seemed like a great offer of friendship at 9, no less than 9yrs old, until it took my mum to say I was buying a friend.
A friendship is mutual, they are there for each other when times are hard, as well as the good times.
They respect each other's interpersonal boundaries.
"Gimme a sweet and I will be your best friend" seemed like a great offer of friendship at 9, no less than 9yrs old, until it took my mum to say I was buying a friend.
A friendship is mutual, they are there for each other when times are hard, as well as the good times.
They respect each other's interpersonal boundaries.
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hatfullofrain
Well-Known Member
Good questions.
I've only known a couple of people like this, but have you met the sort who will do something for you deliberately so that you owe them?
I can't think of a specific conversation to give you an example.
The huge red flag is a warning. My Spidey senses tell me that this person is a wrong-un, who has a manipulative streak. Something is off.
They will invade your life, be demanding and expect you to do what they want. A narcissist type.
@hatfullofrain I think perhaps you are projecting or misunderstanding the OP. If you and your family just moved in next door and I brought you guys a plate of cookies to say "welcome to the neighborhood"...it would be what I consider a warm gesture of welcome and it would be in the hopes to open a line of communication between us (ie friendship). Not that "you now owed me the equivalent of a plate of cookies".
hatfullofrain
Well-Known Member
It depends on the person. That is a nice gesture, but it would depend on who was giving them to me.
OK I see. But I don't feel anyone can invade my life, because I don't let them. They give me cookies, I say thanks. We exchange pleasantries. The relating ends there for me. How can they invade my life? This doesn't happen to me.
In any case I probably would see them coming up the path and hide. Not because I think they are invasive narcissists, but just because I don't want to have an unplanned unstructured social interaction with a stranger.
I've bought baked goods or something for my workplace before and I might give neighbors I know small gifts, but I wouldn't do anything huge for folks I'm not familiar with. Especially building a website for free. Some designers charge upwards of $1000 for websites.
