It took years until I finaly realized I had to fight for myself, and the life I actually want. Because nobody else could see or determine whats important to me.
For my entire childhood I just did what others told me to do. Getting out of school felt like I was about to die, but I still did what was "normal". I struggled alot to find a job, but eventualy I got one.
Soon after, keeping up with it was unbearable, but I continued. I broke down almost everyday.
My parents (well, my mom saw it. My dad kinda rather overlooked it. He wasnt always there seeing me) saw that it was in a really really bad state. But I assured them that I just have to keep doing it. It will be alright.
Until my workplace fired me. For being "too akward", "being rude" and "slow".
I burned-out pretty bad.
I tried college, but it didnt work out either.
so, something was clearly "wrong with me" and I hated myself for being such a failure.
(it wasnt my intelligence that hindered me, my body couldnt keep up.)
I got an ASD diagnose soon after.
Which I didnt like. But I came to terms with it, and finally understood why I struggle so hard over "easy things".
I wasnt just a failure, I was just different.
I had several new jobs after that, but they also didnt work out. (Im bad at keeping up with "normal" jobs...)
it just didnt work the way the others wanted me to be. the hate for myself grew, so did also my frustration.
And the hate towards "those other people" who didnt stop pushing me into this painful expiriences. The physical pain and stress at the workplaces was too much for me to handle.
After a major panic-attack mixed with a pretty bad meltdown, in which I accidently hurt myself, I couldnt take it anymore.
It was in therapy with a job-counsler being present, trying to figure out how to deal with me. What to try next. Figuring out how I can 'fit in'.
And that lady started saying I had to put in even more effort, that i cant "act" like that.
I cant remember everything that she said, cuz I kinda dissociated pretty hard at that point. But she wanted me to try something new, that wouldnt give me any alone-time anymore, meaning I wouldnt have time to recover, to work on my stories, anymore.
I finally snaped.
I had enough. She wanted to take away the only thing that hold my sanity and willpower together for over a decade. It was my most precious thing I had.
The only stability, the hand that prevented me to give up. (Exept my family...but the constant fights with them wasnt really helping me in those terrible years.)
I snarled at her. I didnt care anymore that she was here to "help" (she didnt care that I was already at my limits since years.), I didnt care that she was an authority figure anymore, I didnt care that she was older, stronger, indepenent. She threated my life, my existence! because she didnt understand one thing or even bothered about what my issue were!
For the first time, I fought for myself, for my survival. No matter what she said I only repeating "No" in a loud, very angered voice. I was prepared to scratch her eyes out.(_no violence accured! Im not a person that gets violent! I dont like violence! Dont do violence, people!_)
I told her, I dont want to destroy me any further. that I didnt care about anything anymore, she could scream at me, beat me, but she will not take me away from my stories. I couldnt breath without them. I wouldnt be able to keep going without them.
I dont remember how it all ended.
But after that, things got checked up.
Everything started to get better. they finally left me alone. For the first time after a decade, I was...happy (still had bipolar and other issues, but who cares?! I was happy! I was finally accepted.)
Since then, I fight for my way. My life. The things I want. (And I really dont want much.)
I regret nothing. Never. (One thing I learned while writing my books.) (I decided to live a life in which I never regret doing or not doing something.)
Im only 27 years old. thats my age right now.
But, I already felt like a veteran at 22. I still had issues, but my life felt good for quit some years. And I wouldnt change one thing. (I had some sickness stuff that took like 2 years of my life. But I dont really bother, cuz it got better again.
but...it came back after my moms recent death...)
And since shes dead, the friction, of people wanting me to get a "normal job" started again.
But this time Im older and wiser.
And I fight. I know now how to say no.
Yeah, I still have to learn alot. and i dont seem to be able to bring them to accept reality.
But I know, that the others dont always know everything better.
I know, that they arent that much better than me/us. They just function differently than I/we do.
And I will learn that the unhappiness of others about my life and choices, isnt my problem. Its theirs. They get upset over an issue that only exists in their head. And I have to distance myself from their fictional ideas of how a life is "supposed" to be.
And I will learn to stop caring what others think of me. Because we all are humans.
nobody of us is perfect and we will never be.
they dont have to like me or understand me.
I just have to learn to be enough for myself.
To accept who I am.
And honestly, being here and listening to so many people, gives me courage and determination.
I believe its possible to reach those goals.
It probably takes a long time.
Tho, even with little baby steps. A step forward is still a step forward.
I want to be kind to everyone and to myself. Because we all deserve it.
And I dont think I would think like that if I didnt lived through the paths I walked. No matter how painful.
Alot of you guys seem to agree on that part.
and for those who dont feel that way.
Fight for yourself. Youre worth it.
If nobody loves you, then you have to love yourself even more!
