Do your masks have names?

[Datura]

I deffinitely have a "professional face" that I put on at work. I always try to be upbeat and smiling. I stay away from expressing controversial opinions, and don't let people see my vulnerabilities. Frankly, it's a rather thin veneer and I think most people can see right through it. It is also stressful to maintain the facade and is perhaps one of the major reasons for my current mental health issues.

I find I have a similar mask around my friends, and I should probably just let it go. Like, when somebody is boring me out of my mind I should just let them know. I also shouldn't hesitate to show them my weirdness in all it's glory. If they can't handle it then maybe we shouldn't be friends. I am just always so worried about offending people and being the "nice" girl.

I am just worried that without a mask I won't be able to function. That everyone will turn away from me and I will be unemployable and alone.

 

[AsheSkyler]

This is very interesting and cool! I'd like to read your story.

The water one would also appreciate being able to read her story. I've been procrastinating on it for years and sometimes she's not so nice about it.

 

[tree]

I didn't like going to churches
where the people
wore
their fish faces.

I like churches where the people
aren't afraid to be
simian.

 

[Jimbo]

This thread is very interesting. I have spent most of my life not knowing who I really am. Sometimes I am the redneck country boy, sometimes the intelligent business person. I have always noticed how other people are real in who they are but only recently figured out who the real me was. The last 6 months or so I have become more happy with being who I believe is the real me. I think the real me is very kind and funny and sort of quiet. I kind of like the real me.

 

[tree]

When I was little I used to dream
that there were multiples of cats or people
and I wanted to know which was the real one.
The cats all looked alike, but only one was real.

The people were my parents.
I figured out what that was about.
I didn't understand that they could be
sometimes happy, sometimes angry,
but still be the same person.

 

[MicroWeiss]

if the masks worked for me i'd be more into them. they always blow up in my face almost immediately though. i used to call it "channelling", like i would think of someone interesting and copy them. it almost works, but in a most cases someone literally starts yelling at me for no reason a few hours in, effectively snapping me out of it.

i'm still working on this. does a river have to focus and work really hard in order to flow, or does it just flow? i'm thinking there is a part of me that can just exist and flow without all the mental noise. and that's what i was trying to achieve with channeling anyway, the effortlessness.

 

[Datura]

"Hello, how are you?"
"I'm fine."
Okay, I'm not fine, but if I told you the truth it would bring you down. You might even get upset with me for causing you to worry or disrupting your false narrative in which everything is just fine, or whatever. But if you didn't want to know then why did you ask? Why do we go through the motions of caring for each other rather than simply saying "hello" or "what's the good news".

Bah! I sound like an aspie stereotype, but it's so true. I was just at a party across the way, and whenever people asked me how I was doing or what I've been up to I felt so put upon. I told them I wasn't doing great, but it was stressful. What was I going to tell them, "Oh, me? I'm taking a little time off work. I've spent a lot of time rocking and pacing and hitting myself in the forehead. I went to see a psychiatrist yesterday. They said I was too ambivalent and needed to set clear goals."

Last night I was in a lot of emotional pain. Then I realized that I could end it all at any time. I could just jump from a high place, head first, and it would all be over. I imagined myself doing it in great detail, and a calm came over me. I suddenly didn't feel so helpless. Isn't that peculiar? The idea that I possessed this profound power of life or death actually brought me peace, and made living easier.

Sorry, I'm getting off topic. I just had to get it out there. I don't feel I can talk to people about this stuff face to face.

"Hello, how are you?"
"I'm not fine. Not at all."

 

[MicroWeiss]

I'm taking a little time off work. I've spent a lot of time rocking and pacing and hitting myself in the forehead. I went to see a psychiatrist yesterday. They said I was too ambivalent and needed to set clear goals.

unless you feel dishonest about saying "i'm fine" it's safe to say. "same old same old" and other non-committal replies go over just as well. sometimes when i'm severely depressed and someone asks me how i am i can still say "fine", since being depressed happens to me fairly often and i have my recovery trajectory mapped out, it really is just a phase, and afterwards at some point i am fine. of course, using the word 'i' has some negative connotations, which i have noticed recently. some people get bent out of shape when it is suggested that they are confused or frustrated, and i've often heard their angry replies "i am not confused!!". as if some core state of their being was part of the discussion. if you've been feeling helpless because of some circumstances, just try to keep in mind that you are a powerful human being, with as strong a soul as anyone. your psychiatrist doesn't sound very in tune with you. anyway, when you are feeling negative, try to keep in mind that this isn't what you are, and try to rephrase the negative stuff so as not to integrate it into the core of your being. because knowing that you have power over your life and experiences helped you, and i think you also have power over your mind not to let it drag you down.

sorry to hear about your nervous breakdown. i'm glad you found peace again.

 

[DogwoodTree]

"Hello, how are you?"
"I'm fine."
Okay, I'm not fine, but if I told you the truth it would bring you down.

My T informed me that saying you're "fine" actually has a much deeper meaning that is probably much more accurate...(don't click if you're offended by foul language)

F.I.N.E.* - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

[Datura]

your psychiatrist doesn't sound very in tune with you.

I wouldn't call him "my psychiatrist." It was just an intake interview. The program they run there is group cognitive therapy. Apparently they didn't think I would benefit from their approach. It was just very disappointing to go across town looking for answers and coming home empty-handed.

sorry to hear about your nervous breakdown. i'm glad you found peace again.

Thanks. I'm still not "fine" but much closer to that state than yesterday.