Does anyone deal with what might be called "implied guilt" ?

[Chance]

It seems as long as I have been alive I have this feeling, that not only I don't belong, but maybe I don't deserve what I have.

Maybe it stems from a chaotic childhood, maybe not... but I just get weary feeling guilty to set down and read, or dare I let someone catch me taking a nap. I dislike this gut feeling that I have to have a reason and or an explanation to relax, or dare mentioning that to anyone.

Maybe this is part of my deep need to not be around people. I feel like I sense this stuff off of people sometimes, or they will say something about me reading too much, or that I am always tired... They simply often don't even try to relate to who I truly am as a person, but only the person they expect me to be for them... Or maybe its because I have a very different operating system AND they do sense that - and basically don't like it.

So over a days time I sense several different "guilts" from several different kinds of people.
"Guilts" maybe a lame or even wrong word... Just couldn't find the word I'm digging for in my head. Guilt feels pretty right, i guess.

Its okay for them to go into detailed drama of all their life's woes, but I cant seem to just sit quietly somewhere without a demanded reason for why I might need to do so.

An instance of this just happened a few minutes ago... I was here at home, minding my own business and a guy comes by to tell me he thinks we have a big water leak on the property.

He was sort of rude, and kind of implied I needed to get out there and check it out this instant. I told him I would do that after I was finished with what I am doing... And he smarted off and said so the water isn't important???

I said yes Sir it is... BUT the water isn't even on, because we have the main line dug up. What you say is not even possible because there is no water out there too leak. He kind of yelled at me, and said I could have said that in the first place... I just walked off and shut the door. This man wasn't nice from the start, nor did he care he was at my door interrupting my LIFE, with something that was none of his business in the first place! He saw the run off water from the huge leak we had yesterday... And suddenly he becomes the water god...

In this... This ass hat made me feel guilty over something stupid and this seems to happen over and over in my life. I guess I will never understand it. If you have any clues toss them at me. : )

 

[Progster]

It was clearly his mistake, so there's not reason to feel guilty. It was none of his business anyway. Some people meddle in other people's affairs to boost their own ego. Some people are like that, I wish they would keep themselves to themselves. I know what you mean though, I sometimes feel guilty even though I know I'm not in the wrong. I think it comes from past experiences of other people blaming us for things that we weren't doing intentionally, the feeling you get when you made a mistake, but at the time you didn't realise it was a mistake, then someone comes along and says, hey why did you do/sau that? Then confusion, because you didn't know you were doing something wrong, then guilt.

 

[tree]

@Chance

It sounds like you are harboring thoughts of this type:

I absolutely must be thoroughly competent, adequate, and achieving (able to deal with
people & their lack of understanding of situations, for instance...)

Other people absolutely must not act obnoxiously and unfairly.....(but they do and then you feel bad
and accept their statements, however irrational they may be as an evaluation of your worth)

I have to see things as being awful, terrible, and catastrophic when I am seriously frustrated or treated unfairly.

I must be miserable when I have pressures and difficult experiences; and I have little ability to control, and cannot change, my disturbed feelings.

How close do these outline statements come to illustrating your thoughts/feelings?

 

[Suzanne]

Believe me, Chance, this is not unique to us aspies. My husband who is an nt also feels this sensation. When I am in the kitchen cleaning up, he feels guilty for being at his computer and I just say that all I need him to do, is acknowledge that I am being busy in the kitchen and it makes a world of difference.

I always feel a sense of forboding when things go right for me; as though I do not deserve things to go right for me or who am I, that such a nice thing should happen to?

It is to do with other people, rather than ourselves and I know this, because I have always felt comfortable being online a lot, since it is my way of communication and then, out of no where, after nearly 30 year's, the guy I fell in love with as a teen, goes and contacts me. Well, whilst we were dating, his work was with computers and to show how old I am, computers where not that big back then; it was not common household "furnitature" and so, it was pretty big thing, him working as a computer what ever. Only to find out, that he gave it all up; got sick and tired of it and seems opened his own hotel in the same country I live in now, which is France. Just a passing comment from him: You obviously spend a lot more time online than I do? Turned my thinking nothing of being online, to feel shame for spending so much time online!

I do feel guilty when I spend a lot of time at my computer or cross stitching and so, do make sure that I do what needs to be one first, but my husband has said that when he walks through the door and sees that the house is clean, but sees me sitting, he does wonder what the heck I have done all day, which is just so difficult to do with. I mean: he obviously wants me on my feet day and night!

I think it is human nature to feel guilty for doing things that give us pleasure.

 

[WereBear]

Maybe it stems from a chaotic childhood, maybe not... but I just get weary feeling guilty to set down and read, or dare I let someone catch me taking a nap. I dislike this gut feeling that I have to have a reason and or an explanation to relax, or dare mentioning that to anyone.

It's very common in many subcultures, where the only virtue is WORK.

I think it is human nature to feel guilty for doing things that give us pleasure.

I disagree. I think it is implanted by oppressive systems.

 

[Bolletje]

I feel guilty a lot. For instance, I have been ill for a week.
Even though I was literally too weak to walk from my bed to my couch (20 steps or so) I felt incredibly guilty for calling in sick.
Even though my mind is too fuzzy to hold a conversation or read a book, I feel guilty for "just lazing about" and not spending my time studying or doing other useful things.
Even though my boss literally told me to just rest and recuperate and not to rush anything, I feel guilty because I know my colleagues have to work harder while I'm in bed.

And in the meantime I feel guilty because I haven't done any cleaning or laundry or cooking or basically anything but zoning out on the couch and/or in bed. I feel guilty because I couldn't join my boyfriend's new year's event. I feel guilty for cancelling on two birthday parties and two events I was invited to. I feel guilty for not going outside for a week. I feel guilty for having my boyfriend do all the shopping. And so on, and so on. And that's just one week's worth of guilt.

 

[LucyPurrs]

Wow many of you seem to feel guilty for things you'd never blame others for. What is this-double standards? You have to be perfect and have a good reason for everything you do but others don't? Why do others deserve to rest, recreate, read, relax etc while you don't? This is being grossly unfair to yourselves and BTW somewhat illogical. Do you criticize others for relaxing, reading a book or doing other self-caring things? I'll bet not so stop being so hard on yourselves. You are all wonderful people from what I can see here and I hate to think you're feeling guilty for things which you aren't guilty of!!!

 

[Chance]

@Chance

It sounds like you are harboring thoughts of this type:

I absolutely must be thoroughly competent, adequate, and achieving (able to deal with
people & their lack of understanding of situations, for instance...)

Other people absolutely must not act obnoxiously and unfairly.....(but they do and then you feel bad
and accept their statements, however irrational they may be as an evaluation of your worth)

I have to see things as being awful, terrible, and catastrophic when I am seriously frustrated or treated unfairly.

I must be miserable when I have pressures and difficult experiences; and I have little ability to control, and cannot change, my disturbed feelings.

How close do these outline statements come to illustrating your thoughts/feelings?

I agree with you 100%... I think most of it is ME... or my inability to process a situation without some form of past bias and not worry about what other people think.

Maybe I have this horrible fear that people might start to think I am lazy. Nothing really hurts me deeper than for someone to imply that I am lazy or stupid... I try very hard to do more than most people, yet the second I want to rest or just crash (if anyone is around) this awful feeling always shows up.

I also feel bad if I am not busy when someone is around me. Its basically stupid, yet so often if I do try and relax it seems it isn't taken well by others... Maybe I just don't sense this out in a proper manner.

I just got back from checking the "so called leak" at work... There was no problem whatsoever. It was safe and just as I left it last night. I just don't get human interaction most the time, it seems. Meanwhile this person called my boss and told him I was a jerk to him, and that I am horribly rude... So I had to explain this whole mess and I just don't want too explain anything that I can easily handle on my own... I just want people to leave me alone I guess. Maybe I'm a selfish jerk for wanting people to leave me alone???

Yet, this person had no right to even project himself into this at ANY level, much less call my Boss and try and start a situation. Where do people feel they have that level of authority over other people? The more I think on it the angrier I get. I did NOTHING to provoke this person... He came beating the crap out of my front door... from no where basically. He's not a nice man. I simply do not like him at any level.

How he even saw this is a total mystery to me... Its about a half mile off the road out in the woods. Yes, you can see the backhoe if you look very hard (which in itself should say - "Oh they must be working there."), but thats it... end of story. I would think? But no... People have to interfere.

Maybe I secretly dislike talking more than I even realize, and also don't realize how bad I do dislike interacting with people face to face... I know I suck at it, so I just try to avoid it as much as possible. Maybe that alone generates this guilt thing I try and live with.

So in a matter of seconds this man basically messed up my day, until I can get past it. I had to have a talk with my boss who was mostly cool with it, and now I feel I need to go do something even though I cant till Monday after I get the supplies...

This is maybe the most tiring feeling I have within me... It by itself, just drains the life from me sometimes. I wish at times I was one of those people who just didn't care about anything... But that is what monsters are made of, so thats not a good thing either. : )

 

[Chance]

I feel guilty a lot. For instance, I have been ill for a week.
Even though I was literally too weak to walk from my bed to my couch (20 steps or so) I felt incredibly guilty for calling in sick.
Even though my mind is too fuzzy to hold a conversation or read a book, I feel guilty for "just lazing about" and not spending my time studying or doing other useful things.
Even though my boss literally told me to just rest and recuperate and not to rush anything, I feel guilty because I know my colleagues have to work harder while I'm in bed.

And in the meantime I feel guilty because I haven't done any cleaning or laundry or cooking or basically anything but zoning out on the couch and/or in bed. I feel guilty because I couldn't join my boyfriend's new year's event. I feel guilty for cancelling on two birthday parties and two events I was invited to. I feel guilty for not going outside for a week. I feel guilty for having my boyfriend do all the shopping. And so on, and so on. And that's just one week's worth of guilt.

I know so deeply how you feel... I hope you get to feeling better soon. : )

 

[Gritches]

Guilt is exactly what's going on, you're very right.

Try thinking about it like this:

What you're describing is neurotic guilt caused by your "critical inner voice". Everyone has a critical inner voice, and it's helpful to think of your critical inner voice not as your own voice (because it isn't, more on that later), but as the voice of an assy little man who lives inside your head whose sole purpose is to try to make you feel bad every time you take an action.

The Assy Little Man doesn't necessarily use words to shout you down. The Assy Little Man's language is feelings. I'll use taking a nap as an example: You're tired. Your good sense tells you that you want to take a nap, that taking a nap would be pleasing or in some way worthwhile doing. However, the Assy Little Man can't stand the idea of you being happy. The Assy Little Man gives you a shot of concentrated guilt from his Assy Little Syringe, right in the arm. In doing so, he's saying "Go ahead. Take a nap, you lazy bum. You don't deserve a nap. You haven't worked hard enough today. You still have work to do, and you want to take a nap? I say you're worthless, so go ahead a prove me right. Take a nap. I dare you".

The reason to think of The Assy Little Man as a separate entity is because of where he came from. He isn't you; no, rather he came to be because one day your parents, family, teachers, bullies, enemies, exes, bosses, friends, frenemies, and everyone else you've ever known decided to have a big meeting one day to interview candidates and hire someone that could follow you around for the rest of your life and kick you in the shins on their behalf every time you attempted to be happy.

So you see, The Assy Little Man, your critical inner voice, is the pentultimate bully. He lives in your head rent free and is on your ass 24 hours a day. Like any bully, the only way to beat The Assy Little Man is to stand up to him.

Back to the nap example: when you have the idea to take a nap and then start feeling guilty about it, that's The Assy Little Man shoving you into a proverbial locker. Tell him, and I do mean say this out loud if you can, "Shut up, Assy Little Man. I do what I want, because I am a grown man. I'm going to take a nap, and I'm going to do it right now. You know why? Shut up, that's why. I do what I want, when I want, because I'm the one with my finger on the trigger here, not you, asshole. So either piss or go fishing, I don't give a damn, because I'm taking a nap, and it's going to be the best nap in the history of naps, just because you don't want me to take one."

The Assy Little Man, my Assy Little Man, used to beat up on me and prevent me from being happy. Now I beat up on him, because he's a punk little b* and I don't have to listen to what he says. Now, The Assy Little Man is the source of my strength and my boundless self-confidence.

Dry, boring translation: The neurotic guilt you feel is a construct of internalized criticisms. The construct is built from the judgments and critical attitudes of people from your past and present. This construct is a maladaptive mechanism intended to prevent harm caused by taking certain actions, so it is born of trauma. It was useful for cavemen, but it's counterproductive for modern man.

By telling your own personal Assy Little Man to shut up and f off, you're telling everyone who's ever hurt you to shut up, f off, and that you're not allowing them to hurt you any more. When I first started, The Assy Little Man was whooping my ass multiple times a day. Now, The Assy Little Man is a lot quieter, and when he does open his mouth I just go all alpha-male on his ass and it just makes me even more certain in my actions.

Happiness in general is turning things like that upside-down. If you have questions, please ask, I would be happy to clarify, I know the "Assy Little Man" thing is kind of out there.

 

[Tom]

Yes, as you describe it I also have had that as long as I can remember.

 

[Jana Delaney]

In this... This ass hat made me feel guilty over something stupid and this seems to happen over and over in my life. I guess I will never understand it. If you have any clues toss them at me. : )

Well, you said it yourself, he was an asshat. There's not a shortage of them. People love poking their noses into other people's lives; it distracts them from the problems in their own.

 

[WereBear]

There’s this myth of the Infinite Effort.

Yes, if a bunch of Nazis are chasing me, I can go without sleep and food longer than I think I can. There’s something about being pursued by evil that puts extra energy in our step But just because we can flog ourselves into constant effort doesn’t mean we should.

I am recovering from driving my brain to the brink of breaking. It makes sense for me to take it easy when I get so much as a slight headache... I am like someone recovering from a Traumatic Brain Injury or concussion. My brain needs rest. Fortunately, quietly reading or listening to an audiobook while I play a game doesn’t bother my brain.

We don’t need permission to take care of ourselves. It is, in fact, our humane obligation.

 

[Judge]

In this... This ass hat made me feel guilty over something stupid and this seems to happen over and over in my life. I guess I will never understand it. If you have any clues toss them at me. : )

I can only guess at what this was really about. Though I'll try to give a you a somewhat different perspective on what might have happened. Too bad we're left with one main question. What real interest was this incident to the stranger in question?

I can't help but wonder if the man who approached Chance was a previous victim/claimant or defendant regarding liability involving explosion-collapse-underground (XCU) exposures, which are generally excluded from most insurance contracts. Making for potentially very messy litigation among multiple parties and insurers whether coverage exists or not.

The use of backhoes resulting in broken mains can make a lot of interested business parties extraordinarily nervous. Particularly property owners, contractors, civil administrators and insurers. Which sadly can trigger some people into extreme agitation even when or if there's no harm and no foul.

 

[Lula1989]

I get like this all the time. You are not alone, but there is little we can do other than work on ourselves to let these little things go. And we will likely never been 100% able to do this, as all humans do it to some extent.

 

[SusanLR]

@Gritches That is a well written post.
I like it and is true that cumulative put downs can create the inner guilt we feel. Kicking the Assy Man inside is good for self esteem.

I see a few other posts on incidents of singular people and how it can ruin our life when around that person or persons.
It is a double standard. I get it all the time from the guy I live with and used to get it in school or from bosses at work.

Wow many of you seem to feel guilty for things you'd never blame others for. What is this-double standards? You have to be perfect and have a good reason for everything you do but others don't?

I know this is taken out of context from the post, but, the words just so fit what makes me live with guilt daily.

Now that I am not working due to health, I don't have a boss that I know I must please or get fired.
But, as @Suzanne post, I live with someone who does the same thing with me.
He has accused me of not doing 10 mins. work around the house in three years.
When I reminded him of how much time I put into gardening outside he made fun of me and said I was just out there playing around here and there.
I ask about the inside housework of washing clothes, cleaning the kitchen and such.
That's necessary he said, and not work.
I asked how does he define work?
He ran off in a huff and said he wasn't going to talk about it. If I didn't know then just shut up about it.

The house is usually a mess and what does he do to help?
He does his own clothes and cleans his bathroom.
Most of his days consist of sitting in a recliner sleeping or watching TV. (double standard)

Now I feel guilty everyday if I don't get something accomplished or if I want to take a nap or relax on-line.
I don't know how to just let this feeling go and dare not approach him about it or there would be hell to pay.

I see why there are multiple reasons for these guilt feelings for us.
It certainly isn't all people who create these situations,
but, some I think do have double standards and get some type of feel like the big man if they can make someone else miserable.

 

[LucyPurrs]

@Gritches That is a well written post.
I like it and is true that cumulative put downs can create the inner guilt we feel. Kicking the Assy Man inside is good for self esteem.

I see a few other posts on incidents of singular people and how it can ruin our life when around that person or persons.
It is a double standard. I get it all the time from the guy I live with and used to get it in school or from bosses at work.


I know this is taken out of context from the post, but, the words just so fit what makes me live with guilt daily.

Now that I am not working due to health, I don't have a boss that I know I must please or get fired.
But, as @Suzanne post, I live with someone who does the same thing with me.
He has accused me of not doing 10 mins. work around the house in three years.
When I reminded him of how much time I put into gardening outside he made fun of me and said I was just out there playing around here and there.
I ask about the inside housework of washing clothes, cleaning the kitchen and such.
That's necessary he said, and not work.
I asked how does he define work?
He ran off in a huff and said he wasn't going to talk about it. If I didn't know then just shut up about it.

The house is usually a mess and what does he do to help?
He does his own clothes and cleans his bathroom.
Most of his days consist of sitting in a recliner sleeping or watching TV. (double standard)

Now I feel guilty everyday if I don't get something accomplished or if I want to take a nap or relax on-line.
I don't know how to just let this feeling go and dare not approach him about it or there would be hell to pay.

I see why there are multiple reasons for these guilt feelings for us.
It certainly isn't all people who create these situations,
but, some I think do have double standards and get some type of feel like the big man if they can make someone else miserable.

This post might get me into trouble but here goes: TBH he sounds like a bit of a jerk who will continue to push your buttons as long as you allow him to do so. Why are you giving away your power?

 

[Chance]

Guilt is exactly what's going on, you're very right.

Try thinking about it like this:

What you're describing is neurotic guilt caused by your "critical inner voice". Everyone has a critical inner voice, and it's helpful to think of your critical inner voice not as your own voice (because it isn't, more on that later), but as the voice of an assy little man who lives inside your head whose sole purpose is to try to make you feel bad every time you take an action.

The Assy Little Man doesn't necessarily use words to shout you down. The Assy Little Man's language is feelings. I'll use taking a nap as an example: You're tired. Your good sense tells you that you want to take a nap, that taking a nap would be pleasing or in some way worthwhile doing. However, the Assy Little Man can't stand the idea of you being happy. The Assy Little Man gives you a shot of concentrated guilt from his Assy Little Syringe, right in the arm. In doing so, he's saying "Go ahead. Take a nap, you lazy bum. You don't deserve a nap. You haven't worked hard enough today. You still have work to do, and you want to take a nap? I say you're worthless, so go ahead a prove me right. Take a nap. I dare you".

The reason to think of The Assy Little Man as a separate entity is because of where he came from. He isn't you; no, rather he came to be because one day your parents, family, teachers, bullies, enemies, exes, bosses, friends, frenemies, and everyone else you've ever known decided to have a big meeting one day to interview candidates and hire someone that could follow you around for the rest of your life and kick you in the shins on their behalf every time you attempted to be happy.

So you see, The Assy Little Man, your critical inner voice, is the pentultimate bully. He lives in your head rent free and is on your ass 24 hours a day. Like any bully, the only way to beat The Assy Little Man is to stand up to him.

Back to the nap example: when you have the idea to take a nap and then start feeling guilty about it, that's The Assy Little Man shoving you into a proverbial locker. Tell him, and I do mean say this out loud if you can, "Shut up, Assy Little Man. I do what I want, because I am a f*ing man. I'm going to take a nap, and I'm going to do it right now. You know why? Shut up, that's why. B*. I do what I want, when I want, because I'm the one with my finger on the ***** trigger here, not you, asshole. So either piss or go fishing, I don't give a damn, because I'm taking a nap, and it's going to be the best nap in the history of naps, just because you don't want me to take one. Whore."

The Assy Little Man, my Assy Little Man, used to beat up on me and prevent me from being happy. Now I beat up on him, because he's a ***** punk little b* and I don't have to listen to what he says. Now, The Assy Little Man is the source of my strength and my boundless self-confidence.

Dry, boring translation: The neurotic guilt you feel is a construct of internalized criticisms. The construct is built from the judgments and critical attitudes of people from your past and present. This construct is a maladaptive mechanism intended to prevent harm caused by taking certain actions, so it is born of trauma. It was useful for cavemen, but it's counterproductive for modern man.

By telling your own personal Assy Little Man to shut up and f off, you're telling everyone who's ever hurt you to shut up, f off, and that you're not allowing them to hurt you any more. When I first started, The Assy Little Man was whooping my ass multiple times a day. Now, The Assy Little Man is a lot quieter, and when he does open his mouth I just go all alpha-male on his ass and it just makes me even more certain in my actions.

Happiness in general is turning things like that upside-down. If you have questions, please ask, I would be happy to clarify, I know the "Assy Little Man" thing is kind of out there.

That is epic! Thank you so much... : )

 

[Chance]

I can only guess at what this was really about. Though I'll try to give a you a somewhat different perspective on what might have happened. Too bad we're left with one main question. What real interest was this incident to the stranger in question?

I can't help but wonder if the man who approached Chance was a previous victim/claimant or defendant regarding liability involving explosion-collapse-underground (XCU) exposures, which are generally excluded from most insurance contracts. Making for potentially very messy litigation among multiple parties and insurers whether coverage exists or not.

The use of backhoes resulting in broken mains can make a lot of interested business parties extraordinarily nervous. Particularly property owners, contractors, civil administrators and insurers. Which sadly can trigger some people into extreme agitation even when or if there's no harm and no foul.

Hey Judge...
This guy is just a jerk... Its our frozen broken water line on our private property of which he has zero involvement. I have no idea what the guy is thinking. He's a known trouble maker and I don't ever go around seeking out trouble. I did nothing wrong, or anything to provoke him. If I had of had all the parts I needed, this would be a finished buried product. We have broken water lines all the time because the ground contains so much rock that in some areas the water lines simply cant be buried deep enough unless we blast the rock out, which is pretty extreme...

All I can possibly figure is he saw the glare from the frozen runoff and in some freakish universe he felt he needed to get involved. We shut off all water, none was wasted except for the leak itself. Its our well water... I don't get it myself, and I was tired and just didn't really want to deal with this person. So in full ASD fashion I offended him in basically not communicating with him, and by not meeting his unwarranted demands to explain myself to him.

Of course if this had of been my Boss, or even someone remotely involved in our property... I would have the common sense to fill them in on what I was doing and what happened. But they mostly leave me alone and they know I know what I am doing and I will ask for help if I get in a bind. Most the time I never ask, I just do as I am expected and carry on.

I truly think this man came to my door to do exactly what he did... And he did a great job. He's a monster who has no ability to be kind. He was interjecting himself on a kind human who has no ability to understand his mindset. Just two universes colliding I guess.

He just triggered a bunch of stuff I have dealt with all my life and it hit me wrong. It was wrong, (I may have been a little wrong also) but that is LIFE at least until I figure out a way around it... Gritche's Assy little man seems to be a good place to start... : )

 

[Judge]

Hey Judge...
This guy is just a jerk... Its our frozen broken water line on our private property of which he has zero involvement. I have no idea what the guy is thinking. He's a known trouble maker and I don't ever go around seeking out trouble.

You didn't use the term "neighbor"...which makes matters that much more complex.

If he has no tangible interest in such a thing it sounds like he's just one of those childhood bullies who grows up to become an adult bully, always intent on looking for a victim.

Unfortunately though for we on the spectrum, I'm inclined to believe that we tend to carry negative social interactions in our head, whether we have any culpability in them or not. That for whatever reason, we just don't seem to shake them off.