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Does anyone else with Aspergers...

A

Anne1971

Member
Does anyone else with Asperger Syndrome ever feel like even people who know you well and know you have it misunderstand your (good) intentions sometimes?
 
Anne1971 said:
Does anyone else with Asperger Syndrome ever feel like even people who know you well and know you have it misunderstand your (good) intentions sometimes?
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Yeah, all the time even by my immediate family. People can't always read me right either, like i don't express emotions on my face accurately or something...
 
I find so often people don't believe what I say about myself or how I am feeling about a situation. It's constant challenge about my OWN feelings, thoughts, perspective, anything.

It's so frustrating and invalidating- as a complete person.
 
They don't understand.....it's not their fault that they are NT'S . Maybe one they they will find a cure for NT"s
 
Of course they misunderstand my intentions sometimes but, I misunderstand theirs too and, they misunderstand others at times. That's HUMAN. Maybe my lack of elaborate emotional expression means I'm misunderstood a bit more often that an NT might be but, i don't think it's a marked difference.

I have a voice, I can say what I mean and, if people can't accept that as fact, then they, not I have a problem. That's an individual thing.

I lived the majority of my life not knowing I was an Aspie and, maybe that was for the best. I don't go about blaming every misunderstanding or personal shortcoming on ASD. I blame it on being human, okay i did or said the wrong thing, I made a mistake - I'm human, it happens. I can get over it, apologize, make reparations if needed and, learn not to make that mistake again.

I'm not attacking anyone but I see so many with the "I can't because I'm on the spectrum" "I can't help it, I have ASD." thing going on and not even trying, just accepting that they can't do better, be more, can't truly thrive because they have ASD. That is rarely the case - only a small percentage of us are so low functioning that we cannot possibly thrive in this world.

Yes it may be more challenging for most of us, but by accepting and overcoming those challenges, we become stronger, better people, we become the paragons others look to. Maybe it's time to stop the cop outs and get off our butts and thrive, be something, be somebody, be a force for the positive. I know I never accepted "I can't" and so far I've not found anything I can't do - a whole lot I don't want to do, but there are no "I can'ts" in my world.
 
Beverly said:
I'm not attacking anyone but I see so many with the "I can't because I'm on the spectrum" "I can't help it, I have ASD." thing going on and not even trying, just accepting that they can't do better, be more, can't truly thrive because they have ASD. That is rarely the case - only a small percentage of us are so low functioning that we cannot possibly thrive in this world
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Some people here haven't been able to [blank] and recently found out what may be the source of their difficulties. Learning about oneself is a process- and I actually rarely see the kind of perspective you describe here on this site in particular.

I see frustration, confusion, reaching out. I don't see, in the vast majority, "not even trying, just accepting that they can't do better, be more, can't truly thrive because they have ASD."... I see so much positivity here, even amongst those of us on this site that have serious deficits.

Your experience is not anyone else's. It is yours alone- if you are able to thrive and be famous, awesome. If other people have more difficulties with connection, with executive functioning [a factual difficulty and difference in cognition, with facial recognition [prosopagnosia], with auditory processing, with understanding what is happening in any given situation [and I'm talking about understanding ones environment here]... only they can understand on a personal, first person, individual level how much that impedes them.

I don't seem like I have many deficits, myself at first glance, particularly online.
But all of those things I listed? I have them. Some of them truly impeded communication, functioning, and comprehension of what is going on around me- to a degree that some days I am exhausted JUST from trying to navigate the world.

I "fake it 'til I make it" but the fact is that I don't always "make it" any given day or week, and some others experience this.
What you have wrote here, I find to be extremely invalidating of the difficulties I face and of how much energy and effort it takes to function, develop relationships, and basically power through dealing with my world.

That is my opinion alone, and I really think you didn't mean anything harsh- you even said so, but I would ask that you flip around things like that and try to conceive that we all have our own personal experience, and uneven profile of abilities, and various levels of impedement.

If autism didn't affect me and my regular functioning it wouldn't be autism, it would be some kind of Manic Pixie Dream Girl thing, likely. [Or whatever people are labeling that these days].

I simply wanted to express how this affects me, though I understand your point of view here, I think it may be slightly skewed in terms of this site in particular.

I see almost no one who doesn't try here.

Thanks for reading, Beverly and everyone else. <3
 
Crikey badgers, that was a little harsh. I'm fairly sure that the lady who started this thread just wanted to know that others struggle with that particular aspect of life, so as to feel a little solidarity. There was no mention of 'not trying' or saying 'I can't'. Anne1971, I'm glad that most people were supportive of you, and you can add me to that list
 
SignOfLazarus I did not say this site in particular and, I do believe it is possible to learn anything. Say you perceive as red what everyone else you encounter in life perceives as blue. You can learn that even though it looks red to you, it looks blue to the vast majority of the world. You can then apply that to interacting with things you see as red and, interact with them as if they were blue.

Sure it's a lot more learning that isn't so instinctual for us but, I'm of the mind that if I can learn one thing, I can learn anything and, if I can apply and use one thing I learned, I can apply and use anything I learned.

There are some in this world who are truly unable to learn, and I accept that but, NT or not the vast majority of humans can learn and, there are far to many that use various things as excuses for not making the required effort. That's half the problem with the world. if it isn't easy, if it hurts, if it's slow going, too many give up and claim "I can't" then those same people wonder why they don't have the lives they want, why they aren't thriving in this world.

I could have accepted what my father told me, that I was just a stupid girl and needed a husband to tell me what to do and take care of me, that all I ever needed to know was how to cook and how to spread my legs and, that I should not try to learn anything more. That would have been easy, I'd have food, shelter and clothing, I'd have all of my needs and most of my wants met that way but, I'd be little more than a robot, I would survive but, I wouldn't thrive if I had accepted the "I can't because." mentality.

No one can succeed without failing, we can't even stand tall without falling. That never ends unless we give up and accept "I can't because..." then we remain a failure, remain laying on the ground, being trampled and stomped on. I don't know what inspiration anyone needs to get out of that misery but, I will spend my days trying to get at least one more out of the "I can'ts."
 
Harry1965 said:
I'm 50 now and I was sure I'd be able to navigate this by now.
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Oh, I so relate to this sentiment...although I was well-on by the time I was diagnosed, and felt dumb, as if I should've known there was more to me than I knew. I'm still trying to figure out how to navigate. Just adding more social scripts helps, but it wasn't the solution I hoped for.
 
People use body language, facial expressions and voice tone to interpret what is being said.....We as Aspies do not always have the correct facial expressions,. voice tone and body language a NT might be looking for.....expect to be misunderstood and don't take it personally
 
Humor, it is a great tool for deflecting stuff...like a shield we can hide behind. The more humor you have the bigger your shield.
 
My wife constantly tells me my "good intentions" are misguided or were unwanted. It's understandable if I'm only doing something that I perceive she wants without asking or just doing something that I'm comfortable doing while avoiding something I was asked to do because it would have made me uncomfortable. For example fixing the sink but leaving the dirty dishes when she points at the sink and asks me to "deal with that" My intentions were good the sink had been busted for awhile and she asked days before if I'd fix it . So I fixed the sink thinking that's what she wanted also because I enjoy fixing things. Then became frustrated when she got upset the dishes weren't done. When what she really wanted was for me to put the dishes in the dishwasher. This could have been easily avoided if I'd have just asked for clarification at the time.
 
It is important that those around us understand how important it is to be direct.
 
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It really is important for people especially those closest to you to try to be clear in what they want, but that's not always going to be the case. For me it's also important to take responsibility for my own actions. Without awareness of where I could have done something different there will never be growth.
 
There is a space between "I can do anything" and "I can't do anything". That space is called "realistic".

I don't know what anyone else is actually capable of- no one else knows what I am capable of either.

Basically, I'm sick of being told I'm not trying hard enough- that is not something that anyone else can judge.

To assume people can do better without actually having their perception/perspective is kind of invalidating and insulting. [to me]
 
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