Does anyone else with Aspergers...

[Nisk]

Well said

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

Does anyone else with Asperger Syndrome ever feel like even people who know you well and know you have it misunderstand your (good) intentions sometimes?

This is a great question for a thread, actually. I have felt for a long time that good intentions are necessary, but not sufficient. Good performance is the realization of good intentions; it's not for nothing that English has an aphorism that "good intentions pave the road to hell."

I think the question is why would that even be a saying?

It's because if I focus on my good intentions, I am focusing on myself, my reaching for virtue, my need for a good opinion of myself and a validation of myself as a good person. If I'm doing that, I'm not actually listening to, or putting myself in the position of, the person I'm allegedly trying to help. And if I have to proclaim that my success proves my superiority, that's even more about my good opinion of myself, and even less about the realities of another person's pain-filled experience, an experience I may not be able to truly enter into.

If I really had good intentions, I would actually study you first. I'd watch you. I'd listen to you. I'd believe you, until I had a reason not to. Then I'd lend my knowledge, skills, and abilities at your direction to close the gap between your current state and a more contented one. It would be about serving your good, not my need to be good. And if I came to the conclusion that I couldn't help you, then I'd stop failing to help you before I did you [any more?] unwitting harm.

Your mileage may vary.

 

[watersprite]

A4H that's very clear and helpful.

 

[Harry1965]

Oh, I so relate to this sentiment...although I was well-on by the time I was diagnosed, and felt dumb, as if I should've known there was more to me than I knew. I'm still trying to figure out how to navigate. Just adding more social scripts helps, but it wasn't the solution I hoped for.

I'm so glad to read I'm not alone with this. I ran out of scripts ages ago ... Too hard to process and keep track of which personality requires which script to run!

I'm trying to just accept who I am now and not give advice to others on how to do stuff ... God I can't help myself sometimes but I got a peek recently of what I look like to others when someone offered me some unasked for advice. Not very appealing.

So, still learning but liking learning how to love others more and stand up for myself more and get my own voice going.

This is such s great topic.

 

[Billy S]

Goodness... I try with some of my closest friends, but even they cannot understand my sentiments sometimes. I may mention something I heard from one of them, about the other, in passing, thinking, "Oh hey, saying this really sensitive topic will totally make them open up about the subject and discuss it normally," except it generally ends up with me having accidentally caused an argument between them...

We try... But that's just it, we try, but results are different to trying for most people.

 

[Harry1965]

I agree Billy S, we try. I think I'm trying to many of my family and friends too though.

A good friend of mine with a more understanding family committed suicide a few months ago. Once my kids grow up I can totally see myself going this way as a strong possibility as well.

It's just so difficult to navigate the personality types out there. I find myself saying things like, "Don't talk about this or that ever." And then, that's the only thing I can think of to talk about.

God this is embarrassing but I have to get help and advice with this. Over the years I have encountered a few groups of truly loving and understanding and fun people (thank God!).

As usual, though, these groups don't last long and I find myself going through the mundanity of life holding back (often unsuccessfully) from sharing and caring too much with people who seemingly can't handle the truth (although they send out all the signals they can).

So, I'm married and am in love with my wife and I have no intention of leaving or hurting her. I make friends easily (strange but it's kind of a gift I have ... I can't explain it).

I sit next to a guy called Peter and we get along like a house on fire. We're going to a star gazing night and there's a women who wants to come along too. We get along fine and have shared some stories of our lives and she seems to be an old soul like me. But whenever I try to get to know what she is really thinking I get blank silences.

She's driving me nuts! I am attracted to her but only in the sense of the friendships I've had before where we have a blast doing things others would think are boring or childish. Peter, Evoanne and I went out on a work social event and had a blast together. Evoanne knows I'm married and I have no sexual interest in her, I just really like her as a friend. And ISO I told her so our friendship wouldn't get weird.

Guess what, since telling her our friendship has gone weird.

Can anyone relate? I'm in two minds .... Let the friendship slide or try to explain more that I do like her but not in that way.

What advice have you guys got?

I'm leaning towards letting the friendship slide but just like an aspie I think deep down I can conquer this hill by just explaining what is going on logically. I've learnt the hard way that this doesn't go the way I think most times. So, for once, I a, stopping myself from going any further but it's driving me crazy because I know what to do.

Any advice appreciated.

 

[piney13]

So, I'm married and am in love with my wife and I have no intention of leaving or hurting her....

Does this not answer your question about pursuing a friendship with another woman ?

 

[Harry1965]

Hey Piney13, so you think my wife would be hurt if I have a good friendship with another woman?

I try to think of how I would feel if my wife had a close friendship with a male. I guess I would be dubious about what was going on too ... Mmmm, I'll let the girl friendship die a natural death.

 

[Harry1965]

Aspergirl4hire, nice to know I'm not alone ... I like what Piney13 said too re. Having humour in spades. Luckily I have this most of the time so I can recover misunderstandings most of the time fairly quickly but I still get caught out from time to time.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

After reading your second response, my feeling is that either she may have feelings for you, or doesn't entirely trust your explanation.

I would let it rest for now. Neither avoid her nor approach, explicitly. Make sure you occasionally mention your wife when in company of others, to send a signal that you're not looking.

I'm a little concerned about "she's driving me nuts" because it's actually you driving you nuts. Either you are interested in her, or you're interested in the puzzle about what she is. Getting too interested in people as puzzles is dehumanizing to them, and dangerous to us, because our ability to navigate social and emotional spaces is...variable. In my opinion. Your mileage may vary.

 

[piney13]

Hey Piney13, so you think my wife would be hurt if I have a good friendship with another woman?

I try to think of how I would feel if my wife had a close friendship with a male. I guess I would be dubious about what was going on too ... Mmmm, I'll let the girl friendship die a natural death.

What I have come to realize is it is best to have a woman like you rather than love you...Because she is less likely to release the demons of hell upon you if she gets mad...

So, yes, One woman is enough and if she loves you that is more than enough, that is dangerous

 

[Ste11aeres]

Hey Piney13, so you think my wife would be hurt if I have a good friendship with another woman?

I try to think of how I would feel if my wife had a close friendship with a male. I guess I would be dubious about what was going on too ... Mmmm, I'll let the girl friendship die a natural death.

Always best to ask your wife directly what she would think.

 

[Harry1965]

Wow .. Aspergirl4hire. Very cool advice. Like I said I like her and she's s puzzle. I'm going to back off and take your advice to drop the wife detail reference so I'm sending out the correct message to all .. not interested. Thank you.

 

[Harry1965]

Oh and I'll talk to my wife ... Honesty is the best policy.

 

[Harry1965]

Amen piney13

 

[clg114]

Oh and I'll talk to my wife ... Honesty is the best policy.

Happy wife, happy life.

 

[DC1346]

Does anyone else with Asperger Syndrome ever feel like even people who know you well and know you have it misunderstand your (good) intentions sometimes?

Absolutely. I have a problem with my lack of filtering ... so if someone asks my opinion, I tell them. Since I am always truthful and literal I will answer any question as completely and as honestly as possible. Sadly I have been told that honesty is not always a virtue. For example, if a woman were to ask, does this dress make my backside look fat, I am reliably informed by NTs in the know that I'm not supposed to tell her that she has a rounded bottom that puts me in mind of the hippos I saw wallowing in the waters of the Okvango Delta of Botswana. Women apparently do not like having their buttocks compared to a hippo.

My cousin Curtis who is an MBA graduate of U.C. Berkeley got it into his head to create a line of BBQ sauces never mind the fact that he didn't know the difference between a spatula and a whisk. He created a test product and at a family gathering asked for our opinions. I hated it. The sauce might have been tasty with beans but the flavor profile for a barbecue sauce was completely wrong. His mother, my Aunt Ann, chastised me for my lack of support. She hugged her son and told him that it was the BEST sauce she had ever tasted. Everyone else agreed ... so Cousin Curtis sank some $70,000 into a limited run of this sauce and tried to market it to some retail grocers. Nobody wanted it and the cases of sauce sat in his garage for years.

I told the truth and was ostracized for hurting my cousin's feelings ... but really ... if the NTs in my family had been honest, Curtis would not have sunk $70,000 into this ill advised venture ... so who is really at fault? Me for telling the truth or the rest of the family whose false hope caused him to take a huge financial loss?

 

[Harry1965]

DC, we live in an illogical world.

The insanity will always prevail here while we Aspies are in the minority.

Having said that, I have proven to myself many many times just how absolutely wrong I can very often be ...