Hi everyone! My name is Angela/ Ange/ Angie. I live in upstate New York and I'm 27. I am currently in the process of a professional diagnosis, all though I am quite certain after years of speculation, that I have high-functioning ASD.
I have been diagnosed with many things throughout the years since I was small including inattentive ADHD, anxiety, Bipolar 2, OCD, social anxiety, PTSD, depression blah blah blah. I had a rough past with mental illness including some self harm, hospitalizations, alcohol abuse and such. NOW I am in a generally good place mental health-wise. I am generally very well-adapted now, but that has only been a thing of the last 2 years or so.
In my younger years, I struggled tremendously. I actually, in all seriousness, thought I was an alien. I noticed that the other kids looked at me differently, and talked to me differently. I noticed they kept a certain distance. I had severe anxiety, covered my ears around dogs and during thunderstorms, was afraid of new adults and other kids, couldn't figure out how to make friends, was socially awkward, struggled in school, etc. My parents just thought I was "shy" and a "daydreamer" but my self-esteem was crippled and I suffered from constant intense fatigue.
With no answers, I thought I was dumb or weird or over-sensitive, so I over-compensated. I learned over about 20 years or so how to be charming and well-spoken, how to be organized, how to mask emotions and irritability. It took me way longer than everyone else but GUYS I THINK I FIGURED OUT HOW TO BE NORMAL! Kidding of course, but I worked hard at fitting in, and basically figured it out through faking it.
Some things I still struggle with are certain auditory sensory issues (chewing or mouth sounds send me into near meltdown, loud noises obviously), I have pretty good awareness of social cues as well as self-awareness and empathy but still struggle with certain things like constantly interrupting others, and mistakenly saying rude or "blunt" comments. In terms of touch, I have a hyper-sensitivity to it. My body being squeezed or put pressure on or touched gently melts my brain into non-functional mush (in a good way), I wear compression clothes from time to time as well. I also still have a real issue with connecting to others and have a real issue managing my irritability although I hide it well. Sleep disturbances and fatigue a daily nuisance. Phone anxiety has also been a pretty major issue and obstacle for me. I have friends but usually choose to spend my time alone, the closer I get to people the more I dont like them.
I also REALLY struggle with compulsive skin picking/grooming of my nails and cuticles. I cant leave my house without nail clippers, cuticle clippers, files, lotion, cuticle cream etc. Sometimes Ill be trying to sleep at night and while doing my ritualistic finger-rubbing-together thing I will have to get up out of bed several times just to fix a spot that doesnt "feel" perfect. Its very frustrating and painful at times.
It turns out some people arent as interested in bugs and mice as I am and also sometimes ask stupid questions or talk about boring things lmao.
Anyways, I decided to join this forum because I dont know any other aspies besides my brother, ESPECIALLY no females. Sorry for the long intro but wonder if anyone else resonates with my story. Thanks for listening