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Don't know what I'm doing wrong

Pats

Pats

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Hi. Not new here, matter of fact, I got my 5 year award. But I've not been on here for 2-3 years. During that time, I've tried to fit into different groups in person and online and just can't quite seem to get there. I either end up feeling invisible or disliked. I try to be careful what I say and half the time I still end up saying 1 wrong thing - which is where the dislike comes in. Or I'm basically ignored and never responded to.

Yes, I prefer to stay home and be alone, but it'd still be nice to belong somewhere. I've become the 'crazy old guinea pig lady' with 13 guinea pigs. lol I enjoy them and it often feels like that's all I've got. I've got 4 kids and 13 grandkids, and a great grandchild on the way. I know they are all busy with their own lives, but when you have to message them 'Marco' to finally hear from one, and another will text me when she knows I'm sleeping. And I hear from her when she needs something - like a babysitter. I have 1 daughter who calls regularly - when it's her day to pick up the kids from school and she calls while waiting in car line, so the calls are short - too short to get into a real conversation.

And 2 sisters who are weird. They will argue and put me down on facebook and, at the same time, send me a funny meme via text. I think it's their way of testing to see if I'm mad at them or something.

Well, I woke up this morning and remembered this forum where I DID fit in, so here I am.
 
Hello, sad to hear that. What are those things you say, which make people dislike you? Is it something race-, gender-, politics-biased? Maybe some specific topic? Usually people don't dislike someone for just one phrase, unless that phrase is really aggressive or disgusting in some way. But, of course, some people are just stupid, and there is a chance that you aren't doing anything wrong, and are just unlucky with surrounding you people.
 
Tired said:
Hello, sad to hear that. What are those things you say, which make people dislike you? Is it something race-, gender-, politics-biased? Maybe some specific topic? Usually people don't dislike someone for just one phrase, unless that phrase is really aggressive or disgusting in some way. But, of course, some people are just stupid, and there is a chance that you aren't doing anything wrong, and are just unlucky with surrounding you people.
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Actually all I usually have to say is something like "I like walking outside in the rain." or "I don't know who won the game. I don't like watching sports. " and people usually get irritated and don't want to talk to me. A few days ago, someone seemed to get all nervous because I told them that when I see a flower that I don't recognize, I like to do a photo search to identify what species of flower it is.
 
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Tired said:
Hello, sad to hear that. What are those things you say, which make people dislike you? Is it something race-, gender-, politics-biased? Maybe some specific topic? Usually people don't dislike someone for just one phrase, unless that phrase is really aggressive or disgusting in some way. But, of course, some people are just stupid, and there is a chance that you aren't doing anything wrong, and are just unlucky with surrounding you people.
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I'm very careful not to say anything that's controversial. I think I just get more personal than people like. I'm not content talking about the weather so I might ask a question. Once I asked someone at church if they ever had a problem with someone putting them down for their beliefs (which I was dealing with at the time). She looked at me like I was crazy, said a stern "No" and walked away. I didn't think that was bad. And it's always a simple statement or question that might help get to know each other and I'm left wondering what just happened. And I don't know if they actually dislike me, but they will avoid me and that'll be the last opportunity I have to talk to them.
 
FayetheAspie said:
Actually all I usually have to say is something like "I like walking outside in the rain." or "I don't know who won the game. I don't like watching sports. " and people usually get irritated and don't want to talk to me. A few days ago, someone seemed to get all nervous because I told them that when I see a flower that I don't recognize, I like to do a photo search to identify what species of flower it is.
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exactly! I had someone get really mad at me because she asked who my favorite actor was and I didn't have one.
 
Pats said:
I'm very careful not to say anything that's controversial. I think I just get more personal than people like. I'm not content talking about the weather so I might ask a question. Once I asked someone at church if they ever had a problem with someone putting them down for their beliefs (which I was dealing with at the time). She looked at me like I was crazy, said a stern "No" and walked away. I didn't think that was bad. And it's always a simple statement or question that might help get to know each other and I'm left wondering what just happened. And I don't know if they actually dislike me, but they will avoid me and that'll be the last opportunity I have to talk to them.
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Okay, that's a bizarre reaction. Sorry that you have to go through it, even in a church. At least people here are mostly pleasant, hope you'll enjoy :)
 
Pats said:
I had someone get really mad at me because she asked who my favorite actor was and I didn't have one.
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I don't think you were the problem in that situation. 🤔
Who gets mad about something like that.

I remember the last time you were here, been a while.
 
I'm new here, but find it to be welcoming--,I know for myself I am constantly misjudging whether, when or to what extent someone likes me so I go to the default that I'm unwanted.
 
Pats said:
I'm very careful not to say anything that's controversial. I think I just get more personal than people like. I'm not content talking about the weather so I might ask a question. Once I asked someone at church if they ever had a problem with someone putting them down for their beliefs (which I was dealing with at the time). She looked at me like I was crazy, said a stern "No" and walked away. I didn't think that was bad. And it's always a simple statement or question that might help get to know each other and I'm left wondering what just happened. And I don't know if they actually dislike me, but they will avoid me and that'll be the last opportunity I have to talk to them.
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OK, I think I can see something there. Asking a question like that almost always has a (NT) “sub-text”. This could be, “I think there is something wrong/weird/unpleasant about your beliefs. Has anyone else said anything about them?” or a number of other, also confronting, motives for asking the question. You don’t say what your motive was for asking it - I’m assuming seeking how someone else may have dealt with the problems you were having - but in an NT context this would very frequently come across as very confrontational and challenging. From this view, you may see how it might provoke her response.

Sometimes it can help to give some explanation of the background to the question before asking it, so the other person is clued in to your (definitely not aggressive or unfriendly) reasons for asking it. I don’t know if neurokin are more likely to understand where you’re coming from in this sort of situation - I generally try to avoid straying into any areas that may be aligned with personal beliefs unless I really, really know the person well. And even then I may reassess just how much I need to know the answer to my question and just not ask it anyway.
 
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