Don't Talk To Strangers

[Vanilla]

Hey all

I know that many Aspies have trouble with striking up conversations with strangers, but I'm curious to know whether there are any Aspies out here with the opposite problem?

I used to be rather shy with initiating conversations with strangers, but since I've taught myself to be more myself, and to stop worrying about what others think of me, I find I'm dealing with a new set of issues. I'm finding I have to actively hold myself back, and tell myself when to keep my opinions to myself. When I do talk to strangers, I find it too easy to be too casual, and treat them as though a friendship has already been established. I no longer see that buffer zone, between close friends, and 'I don't know you well enough.' Sometimes I can sense it, but I seem to be ok with ignoring it anyway.

I sometimes get a few odd looks when I talk to people (which doesn't bother me too much), but I still try to control myself, for their sake; or at least to avoid being that crazy lady, who talks to strangers. At least, I think that's the reason for the odd looks...there could be another, but I'm not sure what it could be, haha

Am I alone in this?

 

[Judge]

Am I alone in this?

Probably.

If not, it just goes to show just how varied we might be in terms of traits and behaviors...

Hey... I'll post to any stranger. But walk up to them and talk to them in person? Uhhh....not likely. It's taxing enough when they come up and strike a conversation with me. Sometimes I break into a cold sweat if a stranger approaches me and I'm not mentally prepared. Sounds silly...but what can I say? It's a struggle...although in the last five-six years I seem to be better at handling it.

 

[Vanilla]

Probably.

If not, it just goes to show just how varied we might be in terms of traits and behaviors...

Hey... I'll post to any stranger. But walk up to them and talk to them in person? Uhhh....not likely. It's taxing enough when they come up and strike a conversation with me. Sometimes I break into a cold sweat if a stranger approaches me and I'm not mentally prepared. Sounds silly...but what can I say? It's a struggle...although in the last five-six years I seem to be better at handling it.

Nah, doesn't sound silly, I was the same when I was younger. I would sit away from people, and carry headphones, to avoid conversations. Any conversations I was forced in to, I would end as quickly as I could; even if it meant blurting out something that made no sense

 

[Judge]

I do admit, from time to time I will approach a stranger if it's over something we might have in common...like a common electronics product ...something like that. And when I do it I consciously KNOW it's a type of therapy for me...to fight my social anxiety.

But yes, I have to really push myself...haven't done it lately. Mostly just brief stuff talking to supermarket checkers.

Those of you Aspies who do customer service and meet with the public daily....y'all rock!

 

[tlc]

I see how it could work. With strangers you have a clean slate, they don't know you, so you don't have to worry so much about how they're going to treat you later on. Maybe they'll like you, it's worth a shot, and if they don't then you won't see them again anyway.

And with being aspie, you probably don't have as much of the natural relationship technique as NTs. So it ends up being either too much or too little. Yes the buffer zone. Like with me, I'm so used to being pushed aside, that when somebody actually does seem interested, it's hard to not feel more of a connection than is really there.

 

[Vanilla]

I see how it could work. With strangers you have a clean slate, they don't know you, so you don't have to worry so much about how they're going to treat you later on. Maybe they'll like you, it's worth a shot, and if they don't then you won't see them again anyway.

And with being aspie, you probably don't have as much of the natural relationship technique as NTs. So it ends up being either too much or too little. Yes the buffer zone. Like with me, I'm so used to being pushed aside, that when somebody actually does seem interested, it's hard to not feel more of a connection than is really there.

The clean slate theory does work in some instances; but I seem to put very little thought in to whether I'll be seeing them again, as I even do this with people at my uni. Of course I need to talk to some people, as I see them every week in class, but I can talk to others who aren't a part of my regular routine, and have seen them several times in the hallways, or computer labs, afterwards, without feeling as though I have to avoid them.

One Example:

In one class, we have animation students (which I am), and film students, as one big tutorial group. The groups tend to keep to their own kind in classes, as they know each other better. A few weeks ago this guy did an oral presentation in class, and was so nervous about it, and I sensed that he was beating himself up about it afterwards. I had never spoken to the guy once, and didn't know him at all. The old me wouldn't have done anything about it, but after class had ended, I chose to tell him he did a good job, and had a brief chat with him, before we went our own ways. That one wasn't so weird though, as he still says hi occassionally when we bump in to each other around the place, and it doesn't feel awkward.

It's more like I've lost the anxiety which comes with approaching people, though I still have to mentally prepare myself before doing so (mostly to ensure what I say will make sense, and is appropriate ). I only really get anxieties now from approaching job interviews, or public speaking, but that's fairly normal.

 

[Sev]

I can't say you're alone in this.
I'm an exceptionally shy and quiet person who has similar difficulties - though, in a different context.

During my diagnosis I was told that to 'cure' myself, or to improve my life, I would have to learn to socialize. I was told that the only way you can effectively learn this social language, is to simply do it more often. I pretty much reprogrammed my mind to ignore my quiet/shy instinct and engage in conversation with people on a regular basis, despite my 'initial' dislike for it. This went reasonably well for a time.

Now, over a year after my diagnosis, I've realized how little a desire I have to be socially active. In truth, I've found that become social aware has taught me only how much of an outcast I am, how different I am, and how completely stupid 99% of the population under the age of 20 is (excluding me of course). Sometimes I just wish I could go back to my socially ignorant self so I could wipe the realization of social reality from my mind. I would rather be deep into an obsession, than constantly having thoughts plaguing my mind with insecurities - which is exactly what being socially active did.

So now, I'm faced with the problem of having an artificial instinct to socialize when I really don't want to have anything to do with most people (pretty much anyone who doesn't like books, and even then I sometimes still don't want anything to do with them).
While I don't blame or hold anything against the psychiatrist that diagnosed me, I was made and trained to see a problem with who I was as a person. Blindly, I believed him and acted on it.

It seems that I willingly sacrificed what I was, for what I am now. It looks like I might have to make the long trek back to find my old self again.

 

[King_Oni]

I tend to talk to strangers from time to time...but then again, when are they strangers and when do they stop becoming strangers? And I guess one can even ask "what exactly constitutes talking" in this case. I mean, the other day I had a brief conversation with a man who I didn't know. Though I do think that caling this a "conversation" is a stretch. Blurting out words in a logical order doesn't always define a conversation in my opinion.

On the other hand... as much as I don't care for social interaction, I don't think I'm terrible at it to some degree. So that leaves me a bit in the middle of it all. I'm not as bad with social interaction as some (I assume) though my lack of interest in such things makes me less engaging in it. I remember a few years back when I frequented a bar, though I just sat at the bar ordered drinks and that was all the interaction I had. Then I eventually ended up having a conversation with a guy who came there regularly and he told me that I actually was fun to talk to/with and he was surprised why I wasn't as much of a social butterfly (since apparently to him, my social skills were good to be this type of person) and I told him I don't really care for social interaction that much.

So all in all, me and strangers... I don't have issues with it. Which reminds me "when is someone a stranger?" A few months back I was at a housewarming of my friend and his girlfriend. Since she's from a different area in the country, she has people that are not from around here, but then came around. I eventually had a chat with all of them. But I didn't have to walk up to them in the middle of the street... there was something we had in common. Even if it was just friends.. and the same can be said when I talked to "strangers" in school. If all else fails you can still talk about something that brings the both of you together I guess.

 

[Peace]

Hey all

I know that many Aspies have trouble with striking up conversations with strangers, but I'm curious to know whether there are any Aspies out here with the opposite problem?

I used to be rather shy with initiating conversations with strangers, but since I've taught myself to be more myself, and to stop worrying about what others think of me, I find I'm dealing with a new set of issues. I'm finding I have to actively hold myself back, and tell myself when to keep my opinions to myself. When I do talk to strangers, I find it too easy to be too casual, and treat them as though a friendship has already been established. I no longer see that buffer zone, between close friends, and 'I don't know you well enough.' Sometimes I can sense it, but I seem to be ok with ignoring it anyway.

I sometimes get a few odd looks when I talk to people (which doesn't bother me too much), but I still try to control myself, for their sake; or at least to avoid being that crazy lady, who talks to strangers. At least, I think that's the reason for the odd looks...there could be another, but I'm not sure what it could be, haha

Am I alone in this?

No, this is totally me! I have always been on this end of conversation. I know the looks you describe like I know my own clothes. I gave up caring long ago and just try to be as moderate as I can. I accept if things do not go well, and take comfort in just knowing that I did my best and that my heart is in the right place.

 

[Vanilla]

I can't say you're alone in this.
I'm an exceptionally shy and quiet person who has similar difficulties - though, in a different context.

During my diagnosis I was told that to 'cure' myself, or to improve my life, I would have to learn to socialize. I was told that the only way you can effectively learn this social language, is to simply do it more often. I pretty much reprogrammed my mind to ignore my quiet/shy instinct and engage in conversation with people on a regular basis, despite my 'initial' dislike for it. This went reasonably well for a time.

Now, over a year after my diagnosis, I've realized how little a desire I have to be socially active. In truth, I've found that become social aware has taught me only how much of an outcast I am, how different I am, and how completely stupid 99% of the population under the age of 20 is (excluding me of course). Sometimes I just wish I could go back to my socially ignorant self so I could wipe the realization of social reality from my mind. I would rather be deep into an obsession, than constantly having thoughts plaguing my mind with insecurities - which is exactly what being socially active did.

So now, I'm faced with the problem of having an artificial instinct to socialize when I really don't want to have anything to do with most people (pretty much anyone who doesn't like books, and even then I sometimes still don't want anything to do with them).
While I don't blame or hold anything against the psychiatrist that diagnosed me, I was made and trained to see a problem with who I was as a person. Blindly, I believed him and acted on it.

It seems that I willingly sacrificed what I was, for what I am now. It looks like I might have to make the long trek back to find my old self again.

Sorry to hear that Sev. Hope you find yourself again one day.

I tend to talk to strangers from time to time...but then again, when are they strangers and when do they stop becoming strangers? And I guess one can even ask "what exactly constitutes talking" in this case. I mean, the other day I had a brief conversation with a man who I didn't know. Though I do think that caling this a "conversation" is a stretch. Blurting out words in a logical order doesn't always define a conversation in my opinion.

On the other hand... as much as I don't care for social interaction, I don't think I'm terrible at it to some degree. So that leaves me a bit in the middle of it all. I'm not as bad with social interaction as some (I assume) though my lack of interest in such things makes me less engaging in it. I remember a few years back when I frequented a bar, though I just sat at the bar ordered drinks and that was all the interaction I had. Then I eventually ended up having a conversation with a guy who came there regularly and he told me that I actually was fun to talk to/with and he was surprised why I wasn't as much of a social butterfly (since apparently to him, my social skills were good to be this type of person) and I told him I don't really care for social interaction that much.

So all in all, me and strangers... I don't have issues with it. Which reminds me "when is someone a stranger?" A few months back I was at a housewarming of my friend and his girlfriend. Since she's from a different area in the country, she has people that are not from around here, but then came around. I eventually had a chat with all of them. But I didn't have to walk up to them in the middle of the street... there was something we had in common. Even if it was just friends.. and the same can be said when I talked to "strangers" in school. If all else fails you can still talk about something that brings the both of you together I guess.

It sounds like you manage fine

When I say stranger, I pretty much mean anyone who isn't part of your normal social circle; not necessarily randoms on the street, that you decide to approach for no apparent reason (I'm not that strange, haha ). If you've never had a conversation with them before, I'd say it's safe to call them a stranger, as you aren't expected to be 'comfortable' with them yet.

The issue is more to do with being able to initiate conversations, without the issue of anxieties, or any other factors, which prevents you from doing so. If you're able to talk to just about anyone (however brief, and whether you enjoyed the conversation or not), then there's no doubt that you're able to at least talk to strangers.

No, this is totally me! I have always been on this end of conversation. I know the looks you describe like I know my own clothes. I gave up caring long ago and just try to be as moderate as I can. I accept if things do not go well, and take comfort in just knowing that I did my best and that my heart is in the right place.

It's good to know I'm not the only one

 

[MovieMike]

Nope, I basically never talk to strangers. Like a couple of weeks ago, I was sitting in an op shop and some guy who worked there tried to strike up a casual conversation with me by asking how I was. At first I thought, "Oh, don't be rude," so I replied that I was fine. Then he tried to keep the conversation going with a follow up question and I was like, "Nope, I'm done with this," so I just got up and walked off without saying another word.
Luckily I didn't offend him, he just apologised for bothering me, and I accepted the apology.

 

[Judge]

It's just astounding to have assumed for so long that the world consisted of introverts and extroverts and little else. And that I was just another introvert. Boy...what a wake-up call learning about autism has been!

 

[Stacey]

MovieMike you've made me laugh! Thank you I need that quote printed on my t'shirt..."Nope! I'm done with this!"

(My current mantra in life)

 

[King_Oni]

On the topic of strangers... and perhaps it's not totally related to the topic discussed here, though I thought it's interesting to blurt out here (perhaps since it can't go anywhere else; and start a new topic on it doesn't seem worth it). Though it might be food for thought.

"If you don't talk to strangers, how can you ever make friends?" Afterall... everyone is a stranger to you at some point.

It also makes me wonder with social media now; sometimes I end up with people who are total strangers who send me a friendrequest. I never go ahead with accepting them. I'll usually give their profile a go, see what they're about. So given the nature of social media and "profiles" you can find out a lot about a person, and assuming he/she is stating the truth about him/herself, how much do you need to know about someone to make this person less of a stranger? Besides, if you creep your way onto someones profile like that, "being a stranger to someone" doesn't really remain a mutual thing. I might know more about someone than this person knows about me... that by itself can be quite creepy I guess.

 

[Vanilla]

On the topic of strangers... and perhaps it's not totally related to the topic discussed here, though I thought it's interesting to blurt out here (perhaps since it can't go anywhere else; and start a new topic on it doesn't seem worth it). Though it might be food for thought.

"If you don't talk to strangers, how can you ever make friends?" Afterall... everyone is a stranger to you at some point.

It also makes me wonder with social media now; sometimes I end up with people who are total strangers who send me a friendrequest. I never go ahead with accepting them. I'll usually give their profile a go, see what they're about. So given the nature of social media and "profiles" you can find out a lot about a person, and assuming he/she is stating the truth about him/herself, how much do you need to know about someone to make this person less of a stranger? Besides, if you creep your way onto someones profile like that, "being a stranger to someone" doesn't really remain a mutual thing. I might know more about someone than this person knows about me... that by itself can be quite creepy I guess.

Yeah, you'd definitely want to avoid appearing creepy, but all we can do is try, and hope that the other person is in the same boat we are.

 

[reveric15]

This is a great question. So I'm an Aspie pastor in the United Methodist Church. I not only have to talk to lots of people every day, I have to talk to lots of strangers and somehow empathize with them! I've gotten good at talking to people I don't know even though I don't love doing it. But I loathe small talk, so I will immediately begin what for me is a more substantial conversation (anything that is interesting to me at the moment!). But outside of the church context, I prefer to hide my pastoral role and ignore strangers because it's my nature and I want to be myself sometimes, ya know? Church is one of my key interests so at least in that context I am more willing to talk because at least we have that in common.

 

[syst3mcas3]

Yes. Cold sweats. I get these with unprepared stranger interactions. Right now I'm traveling by train bound for home. And I'm fine, I got all my stuff in my pockets right, got my I'D and ticket, but I hope I don't get a chatty person next to me. Even if I like the stranger talking to me, I still have trouble talking and I know I am appearing odd to them in most situations.

 

[Judge]

This week I had a candidate for Justice of the Peace knock on my door soliciting my vote. I didn't panic...but I don't normally do well with unexpected callers like that. I was still able to talk to him and not appear too weird. Good for me! At least I didn't break out into a cold sweat...that's always good.

Still it's a weird feeling....knowing I can tie this to my autism.

 

[asman]

It's just astounding to have assumed for so long that the world consisted of introverts and extroverts and little else. And that I was just another introvert. Boy...what a wake-up call learning about autism has been!

ditto! thought i was simply an introvert all this time.

 

[islandria]

Church is one of my key interests

Church is one of my key interests too and I find I tend to get along well with ministers.

Give me any 'churchy' topic and I could go on about it which is strange because I see myself as an artist and a poet. Plus I like to read a variety of books so if I can catch another reader the topic will be interesting.