Ds,14, refuses to accept Aspergers

[On*the*edge]

The whole "there's no such thing as normal" crap is a lie too, there is, and we're not it.

I agree there is no normal. Life is like a game to be played by certain rules. Some where, someone decided what these rules were. Then whispered them around the class room! I should have studied Sociology and phycology. It's a very fascinating cluster $&@? !!

 

[On*the*edge]

The links for the groups are: Dagorhir.com - Welcome to Dagorhir Battle Games and http://www.sca.org/geography/findsca.html
There is generally a great mix of accepting people in these groups.
Middle school is a VERY rough time for Aspies. I hope that these help.

Hmmmm... Very interesting. If I were only a bit younger, I would try this myself! I agree that anything requiring physical activity can be a great outlet for frustration and agression. Finding one that fits is the challenge. And finding one where people will accept your abilities without ridicule is even more challengeing! Thanks! I will pass along web site to son.

 

[Profmom]

You just described my son almost exactly! The only difference is that rather than being overweight, he is tall, thin, wears glasses, and has beautiful, flaming red hair. He's been picked on for being a nerdy "ginger" who has an "old man body" for years.

He was diagnosed just a month ago, but has carried the label of ADHD since he was 6 and epilepsy since he was 10. He's used to labels. He refuses the ASD label, but agrees that his behaviors are consistent with ASD. It's been a month and just last night he said that he might have ASD. Fine. But, we've already told him that the label is just a useful tool to have other people understand him. It doesn't change anything, he's still the same kid, but the label carries a meaning that other people understand so it's useful to us sometimes. So far, the label is for school use only by his request (he really, really needs accommodations for ASD), and he will share that label with others whenever he feels like it.

He has understood the social construction of rules, some of which really are ridiculous when you think about it, for some time. We have long been teaching him that even though sometimes they seem like dumb rules (when they are ones that are counterproductive or illogical they are really hard to tackle), he needs to go along with them in order to keep others from being upset. He needs to "play the game." If he does this, we tell him, life will be easier for him and he can focus on the things he really likes. That makes sense to him. Now we just need to help him make his behavior fit the rules. He's got a long way to go, but he's trying.

This is the approach that his counselor takes as well.

To get him out of the house my husband takes him to a game store to play miniatures games (Axis and Allies, X-Wing, Hoards). Every Tuesday and Wednesday he gets to spend a few hours with other guys, including some other fathers and sons who are reaching out the same way that we are, who are as obsessed about these games as he is, and he can have a few hyper-focused hours of sharing his his interest with other people without the expectation of small-talk or even "proper" behavior.

He has just one friend in our town, and he goes to church youth group once a month in another town. I wish he had those kids with him in school (they are very accepting and loving), but on the other hand his counselor said that it might be a good thing since they are untouched by the gossip about him because of his many behavior problems at school.

So very frustrating, I know. That's why I'm here seeking out people who understand too. You're not alone!

 

[Babs]

My heart goes out to you. My 17 yr old daughter's the same, won't accept the possibility of Aspergers, in fact she thinks I'm crazy!

It was brought to my attention in the summer and although we have our differences, we generally get along. However, since Aspergers has come into the equation and all the research I have done, I feel like we get along even better because I am understanding her better.

The posts on here have helped me tremendously, I have been an 'active silent' member since I joined! I have valued every bit of information, now I don't think I'm Crazy!

Hope you find lots of useful reading on here and just knowing you are not alone is a great comfort.

 

[Spinning Compass]

Thanks for being very honest with me. I had never thought of it this way. (Think of them as enforcers of society's rules. If he is being teased for behavior issues, it is because they expect him to change his behavior) It makes sense. But, what if he does not have the insight to recognize his behavior, the maturity? In a lot of ways he does not act his age. I think this is where I need to make adjustments to how I relate to him. His father and I both have the mind set of "your almost 15, act like it." I know he may benefit from more intense therapy. He has been undiagnosed for so long that he has learned very negative ways coping. Did you have therapy as a child? Did you think it was helpful? At times I feel it only makes some issues worse for him.
Fantastic post. I have much to think about.

Sorry I haven't gotten back. I've had Internet issues (again!). To answer your question, yes, I had a lot of therapy. They didn't call it Aspergers then or even autism. I was just a kid who was different in socially unacceptable ways. In fact, I just found out that I never even was formally diagnosed with ANYTHING. The therapy consisted of behavior modification, with a lot of rewards and punishment. The rewards were what the therapists insisted I wanted instead of what I wanted myself, and the punishments (Lord, there were a lot of them!) consisted of medication and being locked in an isolation box for unspecified lengths of time for minor infractions. All done on the school system's say-so. There was an awful lot of power given to schools back then and a lot went on that would be questioned today.

Did it help? Yes--and no. It taught me how to "lie", or at least tell the right kinds of lies. I learned the truth is what the hearer wants it to be and I learned to modify my words and behavior accordingly. I guess it was successful because I have been functioning in society all these years. However, I do feel that damage was done to my soul and spirit. I felt that the therapists had their own agenda and did not really care about me. At that time they were heavily influenced by B. F. Skinner's philosophy of operant conditioning. Skinner wasn't interested in motivation; he wanted results. There was a lot of stress on obedience--immediate, unquestioning obedience. You do as you are told and you don't talk back and if there is a problem with what you have been told to do, that is too bad, because there better not be a problem. For example if you were asked to fetch a certain item and that item was not where you were told it was, that was no excuse. You had to do it or suffer the consequences. This is quite the opposite of what is often required in the workplace. I can follow instructions all day long provided I understand what they are but when it comes to thinking outside the box I am at a distinct disadvantage. Another thing, I was not encouraged to stand up for myself and therefore am at a disadvantage when faced with a workplace bully. My self-confidence was destroyed through repeatedly being told that my problem was that the way I perceive situations is not the way they really are. Sounds abusive? Yes, it was--by today's standards. I was being primed to accept abuse as normal. But my therapists and teachers and doctors and even parents did not think that way. They never stopped to consider the very real possibility that people like myself were prime targets for manipulators and abusers. What they wanted was a robot, a trained lab rat. And to some extent, they got it.