Edited, l won't allow me to feel

[onlything]

Hey Aspychata, just thought I'd check in how you're doing? Any changes in the situation with The Person if I can ask?

 

[Wolfgangus Faldestolius]

I think you should describe yourself in the third person. Also, use a wider audience than just him.

 

[Aspychata]

I think you should describe yourself in the third person. Also, use a wider audience than just him.

True. I have had to learned about how l relate to everyone, not just him. In finding this, l am finding myself. In finding myself, l need less of people in general.. Sometimes that means going to the beach and looking at the ocean.
In regards to that person- l am happy where it's at. Think the communication is more honest now. That's all l really wanted. Being honest in communication was more important to me then l thought it was.

Writing about this person made me look at myself closer, and then l realised it wasn't about them. That's why my title of this post was changed and says edited. But you would need to read the entire post to catch this. Before - it was they weren't allowing me feel. Later l edited the title to read- l wasn't allowing me to feel. Thank you for your thoughts. This forum is about self- discovery and this is an actual example.

 

[Aspychata]

l am destined live alone for the rest of my life is what this person told me so they have given me insight due to my current life situation. They also forced me to see my current situation which l was doing a pretty good job of denying and acting like it didn't exist. They forced me to take that pill. Nothing has changed but l am more realistic and l stand up for myself much more as an older female. So l do live in isolation but it is safer than any alternative in my given situation.

 

[SDRSpark]

To be perfectly honest, and blunt:

I still think this person is emotionally manipulating you. By taking responsibility for their actions (and changing the title of the thread is a cringeworthy example of this) you are effectively gaslighting yourself. (Telling you that you're destined to live alone forever is majorly not OK either. It's also blatantly untrue - there's no reason why you should live alone forever unless you want to. If you want to, that is a good reason to do it!)

I'm pretty disturbed that you seem to be saying "this person was right about me" and suggesting that they know better than you do.

This doesn't sound like an OK situation, at all. I hope I'm wrong. My spidey sense has been tingling throughout this entire thread.

 

[Wolfgangus Faldestolius]

Aspychata, my red lights flashed all the more frantically as soon as you said "Oh I'm destined to be alone for ever". Are you sure you have got enough chocolates?

You must like violin music a lot!

Now, I'm a great fan of keeping alternative hypotheses open in parallel. Are you sure you're not doing all-or-nothing thinking?

My observation at my advanced age is that unattached men & women are altogether completely unskilled at sending each other "signals". Whether one of you is in the ASC spectrum or not.

You are definitely turning it into a "being manipulated" situation, whether it is consciously coming from him or not - and he might have hangups from the way he was brought up. And it's no good taking on responsibility for that, as Spark says.

Meantime you have to review whether you want friends at some level (if he is a mutual friend with your other friends) and then see whether there is a mutual pursuit or interest. If he's genuine he won't be overly possessive.

And your female friends surely won't be leaving you lonely either? And either that gent or your female friends might introduce you to someone more.

Life is not supposed to be 100% broody and mawkish and chocolatey. The phrase "get a life" means literally that. We are supposed to have lots of pursuits. A bit of education you regret leaving off? Get self-homeschooling!

Throwing yourself into things doesn't mean abandoning any chance of romance. By using an oblique strategy you might attract more of it. Surely deep bonds are founded on several levels of companionship, not solely the soft-centred or tooth-cracking hazelnut one.

 

[Aspychata]

Think all this insight is incredibly interesting and intriguing. But there is a tiny little hiccup here. It's name is attraction. If you aren't someone's type and they aren't your type- then the door slams shut. I find that being on the spectrum means l am highly visual. And l feel quite uncomfortable explaining this but what the hay.

The census points out that a vast amount of people over 55+ live alone in major cities. So l feel alright, even (dare l say) normal. I am not looking to tie down the next available gent that pops up on my desktop. I spend a lot of time looking for the drag and click on trash can icon.

Maybe having been in relationships - longterm- gives some of us a perspective of what we do and don't like and will not accept under any conditions.

 

[Aspychata]

Aspychata, my red lights flashed all the more frantically as soon as you said "Oh I'm destined to be alone for ever". Are you sure you have got enough chocolates?

You must like violin music a lot!

Now, I'm a great fan of keeping alternative hypotheses open in parallel. Are you sure you're not doing all-or-nothing thinking?

My observation at my advanced age is that unattached men & women are altogether completely unskilled at sending each other "signals". Whether one of you is in the ASC spectrum or not.

You are definitely turning it into a "being manipulated" situation, whether it is consciously coming from him or not - and he might have hangups from the way he was brought up. And it's no good taking on responsibility for that, as Spark says.

Meantime you have to review whether you want friends at some level (if he is a mutual friend with your other friends) and then see whether there is a mutual pursuit or interest. If he's genuine he won't be overly possessive.

And your female friends surely won't be leaving you lonely either? And either that gent or your female friends might introduce you to someone more.

Life is not supposed to be 100% broody and mawkish and chocolatey. The phrase "get a life" means literally that. We are supposed to have lots of pursuits. A bit of education you regret leaving off? Get self-homeschooling!

Throwing yourself into things doesn't mean abandoning any chance of romance. By using an oblique strategy you might attract more of it. Surely deep bonds are founded on several levels of companionship, not solely the soft-centred or tooth-cracking hazelnut one.

But l totally give you credit there. I am totally stupidly backwards at giving at getting signals. That l blame on the my autistic qualities. I practically have to be run over with a bulldozer to get a message re: me and another. Some of it is tied up in fear, and shame of not knowing signals. Some of it is not knowing what l want and not caring enough (autistic qualities). So relationships with us is a can of headless worms all moving and distracting and confusing both to ourselves and the other. But sometimes we find that one that tames all of us. Like my outside packaging is a nice box of chocolates, but then........☺

 

[Wolfgangus Faldestolius]

... Some of it is tied up in fear, and shame of not knowing signals. Some of it is not knowing what l want and not caring enough (autistic qualities). ...

Essentially I was driving at everyone else being bad at it as well. Now with fear, shame, not figuring ourselves out, or not caring, there we are doing ourselves no favours (and hence others) as you point out. If we just pay attention to those four, we'll get everybody off to a good start, just like anybody else.

My diagnosis was almost 23 years ago but it's only now I'm beginning to understand relating as an equal. My main conundrums are in multi-membered relationships. As soon as I'm eligible I'll look out for a bluestocking with craggy looks who's good at mixing.

 

[Aspychata]

Romance scams is the biggest fraud in the state l live with. It surpasses everything else. These poor older victims are left penniless. So the alternative of singlehood looks good in the *hood*.

I care a lot but sometimes life takes over.

 

[Wolfgangus Faldestolius]

Think all this insight is incredibly interesting and intriguing. But there is a tiny little hiccup here. It's name is attraction. If you aren't someone's type and they aren't your type- then the door slams shut. I find that being on the spectrum means l am highly visual. And l feel quite uncomfortable explaining this but what the hay.

...

yes I was trapped in the solely visual for years. Ever so slowly, I've developed X-ray eyes. I did it by logic about how others think uniquely as well as me - they are not on some plane accessible to all but me. That's visual too!

Others are uncertain too - they just have a more complicated way of "signalling" the fact.

 

[Wolfgangus Faldestolius]

... I am totally stupidly backwards at giving at getting signals. That l blame on the my autistic qualities. I practically have to be run over with a bulldozer to get a message re: me and another. Some of it is tied up in fear, and shame of not knowing signals. Some of it is not knowing what l want and not caring enough (autistic qualities). ...

Perhaps you are a potential bluestocking! Get unpacking that inner logic!

Say to yourself, five times, life is on my side, and I'm not going to fall victim to scams. That's win-win, and it's only for starters!

 

[Aspychata]

yes I was trapped in the solely visual for years. Ever so slowly, I've developed X-ray eyes. I did it by logic about how others think uniquely as well as me - they are not on some plane accessible to all but me. That's visual too!

Others are uncertain too - they just have a more complicated way of "signalling" the fact.

Visual is first, then you still have to want the after part. Visual simply opens the door. If the personality isn't there or engaging then two people will completely lose interest in each other. Age really plays a part now. I have way less interest in relationships.

 

[Aspychata]

Perhaps you are a potential bluestocking! Get unpacking that inner logic!

Say to yourself, five times, life is on my side, and I'm not going to fall victim to scams. That's win-win, and it's only for starters!

The problem here is that the romance scam men are extremely aggressive in hunting woman. I had a guy send me his pic when l was enquiring about a place to rent. Then l had to block his number because he kept calling me.
I went to another apartment and the guy suddenly got very personal (worried about rape myself), then he wouldn't stop calling me saying l promise to rent when l never signed a contract.

So we are talking extremely aggressive men targeting older females