Hi all,
Sorry for the late reply. So I have yet to write the email with all the latest updates regarding the UK shut down. I'm working 2 days from home now and 3 days in the office with a skeleton staff. I am thankful for this as I got into work today and it's so quiet. It's the perfect working environment.
Last Wednesday I went on my usual morning walk before work since my overtime was no longer allowed. My favourite part of these walks every day is the woods and lakes next to work. However, this is only 10 minutes of a 50 minute walk and never feels like enough. The rest of the walk is on pavements/sidewalks along roads and through residential areas. For the most part my walks are spent talking to my partner or parents on the phone or listening to music.
On Wednesday I walked 10 minutes to the lake and then I spent the rest of my free time sat by the lake taking in the scenery. No phone, no music or distraction. Just myself and the world around me. There's lots of water birds swimming and flying around and hearing the sounds of the wind through the trees and the birds. I found I lost myself there - my thoughts began calming down and after 20 minutes I felt like I do after a good meditation session. There was a real sense of inner calm and relaxation; the perfect way to start a day. I left myself plenty of time to walk back to work and did so at a very leisurely pace.
Starting the day as I had done contrasts starkly to my usual walks where I don't leave enough time to get back and eat lunch. When I'm nearing the end of my lunch break there's a real sense of urgency and rushing to finish my walk and get back to eat my lunch really fast. It leaves me feeling flustered.
So, on my lunch break last Wednesday I repeated the procedure - I walked through the woods and sat by the lake for 30 minutes. Now, when I was there my chest was quite tight. Anxiety has been a little higher recently, so my body is feeling tense as well. Still, towards the end of my 30 minutes at the lake I was feeling calm once again. I walked back slowly to the office and still had time to eat my lunch without being rushed.
The contrast was quite interesting - on that day the office was still full and there were the usual noises and conversations and tasks which often wound me up with ease and had me sat at my desk trying desperately to block it all out whilst failing to get much work done. Not on Wednesday - my focus was better, in fact when I heard these noises or conversations I actively hyper-focused on the work I was doing and I noticed something - the noises which would usually be at the forefront of my mind were pushed back and became fragmented almost to the point of being inaudible.
Now, I don't think it would've been so easy if I hadn't gone on my lunch break at the lake as well. I think breaking up the day into 2 chunks with a highly relaxing experience in between is key.
Today started a little different as I knew traffic would be dead with the lock down. So I drove into work 50 minutes later than I normally would. It was exciting taking that risk, but within minutes of leaving the house I knew I'd arrive on time. I get to work and the office has a third of the amount of people usually in and is very quiet. The work load is a lot more manageable and less stressful. Also, with the shut down we know that some work is being cancelled now, but that a huge backlog is coming in a few months once the restrictions are lifted.
The idea of a backlog isn't that worrying though. Firstly, working in the transport industry I know my job is pretty secure. Second - knowing that in a few months we'll be all hands on deck and overworked, I know that the company can't afford to let people go, because they have fleets of thousands of trucks and trailers to look after.
The only issue I see is that the lock down prevents people going outside unnecessarily. I saw plenty of dog walkers out this morning and I know the woods and lakes where I walk is virtually empty. Each day I walk through them I see 1 or 2 people at most. Also, I know a few spots next to the lake which are well away from the paths through the woods - so I think I'll be fine to do my lunch time walk as I'll be well away from everyone and I will still have time to de-stress and feel calm.
Speaking of calm - I'm maintaining my position of not reading the news. Whatever affects me directly I hear about directly. Apart from 2 work emails and 3 messages from my Dr's, the only thing I've noticed is some items in supermarkets are out of stock. But my partner works in a food store, so getting food isn't a problem for us. So I persevere with not submitting to worry about situations outside of my control, and I keep smiling - even when I don't feel like doing it. Seems like a trivial thing to do, but I find wearing a smile actually starts provoking happier internal thoughts after a while. Also, people have commented on it at work and ask "why/how can you be smiling" and I reply - by not reading the news and living my life as normal. My partner has encountered similar confusion to her demeanour at work too. Thing is, what would people rather see? Another person moaning and complaining or someone who is smiling and helpful?
I keep reminding myself how far I've come from my health anxiety days. Now - I just need to implement similar mental strength towards other stressors so that I gradually feel less stressed and become even more productive at work.
So, we shall see in time if the email is necessary. For now I think I shouldn't be hiding from stressors, but finding ways to face them without succumbing to anxiety.
Ed
) and they saw themselves as at best extra efficient versions of me. It's likely your colleagues see you as equally efficient to them - and themselves as equally efficient to you - anyway.
