Emotion

[Pondering]

Okay, so I know that it's not true that Aspies lack empathy. However, recently I've begun to notice that sometimes when I should be excited about something, I'm not, and I know I should be excited. Or when I actually need to be in a hurry and 'freak out' about something, I don't always, when I should be. Feeling anxiety has a positive side when a schedule has a strict time, etc. Sometimes when I should feel sad or upset about something, I'm not. That's not to be mistaken that I don't know how to convey certain emotions. I can fake them with ease when I need to (not to deceive, but to make matters better), there are just some circumstances where I can't feel certain emotions when I need to or want to. I can't control it; just sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. I don't understand. I'm not cold hearted but I do think it strange. More than most of the time, I do feel emotions very deeply and strongly. But there are also times (an this is totally different from what I explained in the beginning) when I feel either little or nothing at the wrong times. There are also times when I'm not doing anything and nothing is happening and I feel literally no emotion - just being in the state of existing. It frightens me sometimes. It's not a shielding response or numbness reaction to negative feeling either. Anyone have this problem?

 

[watersprite]

I have noticed something similar. I don't think of it as a problem, though, but I guess sometimes it could be, such as at funerals, or other important occasions. Myabe I'm odd, but I like not having them, * because when I do they're often tsunami-like.
* (or they're somewhere out of range of my awareness being changed into paintings?)

 

[DogwoodTree]

I've had this happening a lot lately. It's not that I don't feel anything...it's just that what I do feel lately, is mostly just a really deep, aching pain.

And I almost never genuinely express emotions, even when I feel them. I can express them more-or-less appropriately when needed (like you said, to make a situation better), but that's putting on an act for someone else's benefit. And I feel them deeply most of the time (just not so much the past week or two), but can almost never express the things that I'm actually feeling at the time that I'm feeling them. It's like they're locked away deep inside, and there's no connecting with people in order to express what I'm actually feeling most of the time.

The numbness lately...I think that's related, in my case, to the stuff I'm working through right now in therapy. ...well, trying to work through. It's complicated.

 

[Shawn D]

Okay, so I know that it's not true that Aspies lack empathy. However, recently I've begun to notice that sometimes when I should be excited about something, I'm not, and I know I should be excited. Or when I actually need to be in a hurry and 'freak out' about something, I don't always, when I should be. Feeling has a positive side when a schedule has a strict time, etc. Sometimes when I should feel sad or upset about something, I'm not. That's not to be mistaken that I don't know how to convey certain emotions. I can fake them with ease when I need to (not to deceive, but to make matters better), there are just some circumstances where I can't feel certain emotions when I need to or want to. I can't control it; just sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. I don't understand. I'm not cold hearted but I do think it strange. More than most of the time, I do feel emotions very deeply and strongly. But there are also times when I feel either little or nothing at the wrong times. There are also times when I'm not doing anything and nothing is happening and I feel literally no emotion - just being in the state of existing. It frightens me sometimes. It's not a shielding response or numbness reaction to negative feeling either. Anyone have this problem?

You've described how I am perfectly. Just yesterday, my husband told me some sad news (it had to do with a child in the hospital), but all I could do was focus on an irrelevant piece of information within the news. My husband said I was cold-hearted. I assured him that I thought it was sad and hoped she would get better, but it did little to convince him I'm not as he said, cold-hearted.
I also keep my cool in situations when he freaks out, which freaks him out more.
As long as I can remember, I've remained outwardly unmoved by tragedy (or good news). When Columbine happened and when 9-11 happened, I didn't get all emotional like everyone else. It's always made me feel less human. It's not that I don't care, I just care on a cerebral rather than an emotional level.
I do get agitated and worked up when I directly witness someone, or an animal, in pain or distress.

 

[Progster]

Yes, I've had this most of my life, the 'comfortably numb' feeling of just being without being aware of any motion. I used to think it was depression, but it could be an AS symptom, I'm really not sure. Sometimes I think that I do have the emotion, but it isn't registering in my brain somehow, the amygdala not communicating with the frontal cortex. Thee have been times when I've had a very busy day, done a lot of socializing or have been under a lot of pressure, when travelling or at Christmas, for example, when I seem to be coping just fine, then wham! Out of the blue, I'm hit by nausea and dizziness and start throwing up, or something triggers a wave of emotion and I need to go to the bathroom and time on my own. I think that the emotions are there, but somehow I'm not feeling them, not registering them consciously, but my body is reacting to them physically and that's why I suddenly feel sick without warning.

 

[garnetflower13]

I am this way, as well. But the way I see it, is that I do eventually feel the emotion that I seem to not be feeling or expressing at the time. And I also get very upset if I see an animal in distress. Yet I can hear news about people going through horrible stuff and feel nothing. At least not right away. I used to be relied upon to deal with angry customers in the workplace because I felt nothing while they raged away. I would watch the interesting or amusing expressions play over their faces and then calmly present them with a solution. Of course as I get older I find that I am a little more prone to feeling emotions quicker than before.

 

[Suzanne]

I get you sooooo much. I have always pushed the little voice that says: you don't really feel sad or upset or empathetic. This happens a lot when a female cries and I WANT to feel sympathetic, but the reality is, I am looking with curiosity at the display of emotions. Thankfully, there are times, I do feel their pain and I embrace that so much.

I tend to get emotional etc for things that others would react with a shrug. I remember seeing a picture of a starving child with a rich person hovering over him. The child is trying to get water out of an outdoor tap, but the rich man has the pipe and has twisted it, so none of the water can reach the child. Things like this, tears at my heart and makes me ANGRY.

Another thing: recently a handle broke on a bag of mine and I realised I couldn't fix. I asked a spiritual sister if she would try and she did a FABULOUS job and I felt genuine feelings of gratitude but MOST embarrassing I could feel tears blurring my eyes. She, I think, was humbled by my gratitude.

Most of the time, I act because I don't like this in me ie unemotional

 

[Greg]

I am able in a lot of cases to show empathy so I am not cold and heartless. However there are a lot of instances where I do not have empathy for different people. I think very black and white where either a person is all good or all bad. If a person is good then I can show empathy but if they are bad then I have nothing for them. When I get like that there is no way anyone is going to get through to me.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I have problems showing my feelings to other people. My Ma always tells me about awful stuff that happens in the news (like the Amtrak train accident today) and I downplay the tragedies mainly because I feel strange showing emotions and also it is just too overwhelming for me to have emotions for every bad thing that happens. I really don't want to hear about anything bad happening when I'm very stressed - I can only deal with my own problems at that time and things happening right around me. Sometimes I can't stop the emotions (like at a funeral) or a tragedy that happens close to me and tears just start coming. I have to end up leaving the room or if I can't I try really hard to think of something else (usually another problem I'm having that will consume my entire thinking process).

 

[Datura]

I recall when I was a teenage my grandfather decided to surprise me. He asked me to come out and help him with something in the trunk of his car. He opened it up to reveal a shiny red stratocaster guitar. He had previously given me his acoustic, and I had been practicing a lot of the past several months.

"This is for you!", he informed me.
I think I smiled and replied with a, "Thank you."
That didn't seem to be the response he was looking for, "It's all yours, to keep. I figgured you did such a good job learning to play that you were ready. I never play the thing anymore anyway."
I nodded. "Thanks."

I think he was expecting me to be more excited. While I was very grateful for his gift, it just didn't elicit that response in me. Few things do. If I am excited about something it is probably some piece of information or media that I feel the burning need to share. But big gifts, major life events and the like don't seem to excite me.

I also recall going out clubbing and walking down the street. People where hooting and hollering for no reason. They were just really excited to, I don't know, be young and drunk in the city at night? They would often try to make me share in their enthusiasm, but I frankly wasn't feeling it, and would typically just shy away from such people. Some of them would really take offense to this. One person even accused me of being racist.

Mass tragedies have never effected me emotionally. They are too removed from me. I can cry over a movie, or share in somebody's pain, even if the cause of their pain has nothing to do with me. But I cannot get emotionally involved in world affairs. There is so much injustice on an ongoing basis how could anybody feel that kind of empathy without going insane. I am glad these events don't effect me the way they do others.

 

[wyverary]

I would not call this a "problem" at all, unless you are comparing yourself to the expectations of others who might react more viscerally to such things. You seem to have a very pragmatic approach and are able to harness your emotions in a way appropriate to your productivity. How many of us would envy you for that! I know I would!

 

[Lealea]

I to have problems displaying emotions, and definitely lack on the empathy when I was a child a friend's relative died and I didn't know how to react in my mind she was dead why are you crying nothing's going to change the fact, now as an adult I realise that people morn and even tho I offer no emotional support I am a good listener. But I don't see the point in worrying over something that we can not change so I don't things like that I can just push out of my head. Emotions are also a big problem with relationships, I can be like a robot a lot of the times, the mushy stuff yuk!

 

[garnetflower13]

I have problems showing my feelings to other people. My Ma always tells me about awful stuff that happens in the news (like the Amtrak train accident today) and I downplay the tragedies mainly because I feel strange showing emotions and also it is just too overwhelming for me to have emotions for every bad thing that happens. I really don't want to hear about anything bad happening when I'm very stressed - I can only deal with my own problems at that time and things happening right around me. Sometimes I can't stop the emotions (like at a funeral) or a tragedy that happens close to me and tears just start coming. I have to end up leaving the room or if I can't I try really hard to think of something else (usually another problem I'm having that will consume my entire thinking process).

I am the same way! I remember when my mother was diagnosed with cancer and was dying. My mind was full of this, trying to come to terms with the impending loss. I was waiting at a bus stop when this woman came up to me, a complete stranger, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue and talking about Michael Jackson (the performer who had just died.) It took some self control to not snap at this woman. Why on earth should I get myself all upset about a performer, when my own mother was dying? Sure it was sad that this guy had died, but to cry about it? and expect me to cry too?

 

[EdR]

Emotions and empathy are pretty much absent from my life also. Occasionally something makes me mad for a few seconds, a great loss will make me sad for a short time, but I am not sure if I have ever experienced great joy.

I can express sympathy for others at a time of loss, but it is empty and fake and I really do not feel any empathy for the person. I am quite sure that this stoicism is evident to others when I fail to react at times of lesser travails and it is unlikely that it has served me well.

My diagnosis for being on the spectrum is only two months old and my researches have made me aware of these shortcomings of mine. Previously I was only peripherally aware that I was unemotional and just a hair from totally oblivious to my lack of empathy.

To date my therapist has not addressed these issues; I intend to muse on bringing the subject up with him because resolving these issues may lead me to my ultimate goal, which is becoming a more likeable person.

 

[Misha]

This basically explains me. I've gotten into fights with my sister when I misread her emotions or don't react properly. I've learned how to fake it, but it's not great. Again, it's not total void of emotion but more like misinterpretation, is how I've seen it about myself.

 

[DogwoodTree]

So do y'all think that displaying emotion and expressing empathy are basically the same thing? I'm wondering...

 

[Misha]

So do y'all think that displaying emotion and expressing empathy are basically the same thing? I'm wondering...

Displaying emotion, to me, is more how YOU feel and how you express your own emotions. I'm not very good at this because I have small thresholds in some areas, where I'm okay until I'm not, and then it's horrible. I mostly restrain myself and try not to show emotions too much because I don't do it effectively.

Empathy is showing you understand and respond to other people's emotions and situations, that you can understand what teyre going through, how they feel... I'm good at at least making people feel better, even if I don't fully understand why - like when my sister is upset, I comfort And hug her because she doesn't like to be left alone when she is upset. It took me a while to learn that.