Emotional isolation?

[DogwoodTree]

I know a lot of us have trouble connecting socially with people, whether from lack of confidence, lack of opportunity, or lack of know-how, or whatever.

But when you do spend time with someone or a group of people...when you do have a real conversation with someone...if somehow you manage to hit all the right tics on your checklist of social requirements and the person is actually interested in what you have to say...

...do you feel emotionally connected to that person at that time?

Or do you feel like you've played the role just like an actor on stage, and so it's not real for you, deep down?

 

[The Penguin]

For me lately it playing the role since I'm attending networking events to get business. Though I think this is very common for many people to do in business. However, general conversations outside of business I don't do well in. I do feel in isolation as it rare for someone to approach me first when I'm at a event. Social gathering drains my energy yet it essential to attend to find customers. I learned an average networking event is about 90 minutes. I decided I don't need to attend for the whole event if I don't feel comfortable. If I only want to do 45 minutes, then I do 45 minutes. I find no point staying for the whole time if I'm not enjoying myself. But as long I did made a few connections during my stay, then I can say I archive something.

 

[pushpin]

By real conversation, do you mean a deep conversation? As in, talking about serious aspects of ourselves or things that we genuinely care about?

 

[Judge]

Or do you feel like you've played the role just like an actor on stage, and so it's not real for you, deep down?

I think that puts it rather well in my case. Even if I were to become emotionally connected to the person I'm talking to, I'm more apt to be very wary of saying something wrong...so in effect I'm always "on guard".

It takes a lot for me to become truly comfortable with someone enough to let my guard down. We're talking about a very, very small number of people in such a case.

 

[DogwoodTree]

By real conversation, do you mean a deep conversation? As in, talking about serious aspects of ourselves or things that we genuinely care about?

I guess any of the above...is there EVER a conversation of any kind you have where you feel truly, emotionally connected with the other person?

 

[pushpin]

I guess any of the above...is there EVER a conversation of any kind you have where you feel truly, emotionally connected with the other person?

I don't know. I would have to know exactly what it means to feel emotionally connected in order to truly answer that question, and I am not sure that I know that.

I have felt safe with certain people. I have felt loved around certain people. I have felt at ease around certain people. I know these feelings and their definitions, so I know when I am feeling them. But, emotional connection, unfortunately, I am unsure about this because I don't know exactly what it means. If it means the above (safe, at ease, loved, appreciated), then yes.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

I've felt emotionally connected to certain people at certain times. It isn't permanent. When it happens, I feel easy and part of a larger empathetic field: safe, appreciated, understood, and understanding of the other.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Even if I were to become emotionally connected to the person I'm talking to, I'm more apt to be very wary of saying something wrong...so in effect I'm always "on guard".

Maybe that's what is going on with me. Even when I'm able to get engaged in the conversation...with someone who knows details about my past and my life and so I should be comfortable with them...I'm still on guard to keep from saying something stupid. And being on guard keeps me emotionally isolated.

It takes a lot for me to become truly comfortable with someone enough to let my guard down. We're talking about a very, very small number of people in such a case.

I have a handful of friends who I've opened up to about my stuff (history, and AS). I really, truly am trying everything I can think of that might help me feel connected with people. And these people that I've chosen to trust are good people. But still, still, I can't seem to make the emotional connection, even though I so desperately want to. It's like I exist on the wrong side of this deep, vast, dark abyss, watching everyone else living their lives on the other side, interacting with my mask but not even realizing that it's not me, that I'm so far away.

 

[wyverary]

I guess this is my particular variety of Overly Empathic Aspie coming into play, but yes, on most such occasions, I do feel an emotional connection! Such occasions are rare enough to begin with, I suppose I tend to latch on to good conversation and personal connection. It doesn't hurt that I am lucky enough to have a network of friends already whom I trust implicitly. I suppose when I am meeting people for the first time, it is extremely rare that this "emotional" bond is made...but if it continues, I am liable to feel an innate empathic connection to the person/people. That doesn't mean that I haven't had some false starts, and things just fizzled; but overall, I suppose, being the strange, introverted, obsessive person that I am, I enjoy that sort of connection, and again, being one of those "empathic" Aspies, I find myself able to form such a bond with them.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I'm almost always playing a part to make them feel like the conversation was worth while. We can talk about husbands and kids, coupons and discounts, religion and philosophy, politics and criminals, and maybe agree on a lot of things. But when you get right down to it, nobody I talk to understands me. Not even on the most simple of things that I can't see how they wouldn't understand. I always end up feeling very disappointed and alone. Sometimes I feel a connection to my family, but not strangers.

 

[DogwoodTree]

But when you get right down to it, nobody I talk to understands me. Not even on the most simple of things that I can't see how they wouldn't understand. I always end up feeling very disappointed and alone.

I feel like I've learned the "NT language" fairly well...enough to get by. I've spent my life observing these social interactions, emulating my role models, studying psychology and relationships and people in general. When I'm not exhausted from the effort, I can play by the rules enough to appear like I belong. I've reached a point of burnout now, but even now, I can perform in "spurts" when I'm able to catch myself in the right mood.

But what good does it do if I so rarely feel "connected" with anyone? I pour so much energy resources into that puppet of myself, the one that interacts with people on the other side of the abyss...that I lose my sense of self. The more I act the part, to fit in, the more I lose touch with reality, with who I am. But the more I retreat into myself, to try to find my sense of centeredness and grounding, the stranger I look on the outside. What kind of world do we live in that you have to look insane in order to find your sanity??

Even with all the good social skills in the world...I'm just not sure they would ever do me any good in crossing the abyss. If "acting" only draws me into the abyss...it seems like not acting would be the solution...but that route leads to rejection from sooo many people, or at the very least, unintentionally hurting them when I don't behave in ways that are satisfying and comfortable for them, and general confusion, and misunderstanding, and abandonment.

Maybe like John the Baptist...my calling is to spend my life in the desert, seeking God in the lost and lonely places.

 

[Suzanne]

We have two females guests with us for a week and to say I was petrified of meeting them, was an understatement, but as soon as I saw them, I put on my best "hostess" mask on and that got me through it and I tell you, it is like I am looking at myself and in a daze!

When we got talking, I found myself gravitating to the younger one of the two, which if I had been her age ie 23, I would not have felt comfortable and would find myself being more at ease with the older woman! My husband said to me just this morning: I can see you really like our young friend, but be careful, that you do not make the other woman feel uncomfortable; as it happens, I was fully aware that I felt emotionally connected to the younger one and so, did all I could, to include the older one. But if truth be known, she didn't care!

So, so far, there is no act, because when I like someone, I LIKE someone and can feel all the empathy and pain that goes along with it! When I do not like someone, I have to put on an act, because I know it is unfair of me. When I hate, I HATE and ignore or only say hello if I have to!

The kind of people I feel myself with, are those who are not into social skills and to be honest, the type of conversations we have, are not small chat, for yep, can't stand that!

 

[On the Inside]

This is an area that gives me a lot of discomfort. Like pushpin, I would have to know exactly what that means, and I guess that meaning is to be decided by someone else, not me.

I have thought that I was emotionally connecting with people only to find out sooner or later that I was missing something, or not really there. Somehow, other people were able to tell that I wasn't emotionally connected and there I sat thinking that I was.

I can say that there have been times when people have emotionally connected with me and times when I felt that they weren't, but I have never said to another person that they were not emotionally connected to me. What right would I have to say that? And what purpose, other than to alienate, would it serve?

Is this just some kind of mind game, who's the judge of emotional connectivity? Am I in any way in charge of my own emotional connection?

Sorry for the rant, but as I stated from the start, this is a hot button for me.

 

[JennieK]

I've found that over the years I've apparently mimicked the eye contact to some degree, even going so far as crinkling up my eyes to appear to be feeling what the other person must feel when they look into my eyes. I am able to do it well when I do it in front of the mirror, but not so well if I can't see myself. I still seem to be missing something as far as the eye connection. I am sure I stare, and I also avoid, just depends on who/where/when and how bad I'm feeling at the moment, etc.

I've often thought I was emotionally connecting but I've become rather hypervigilant in scanning the other person for gestures, facial expressions and tone of voice and then I realize that they aren't reciprocating on some level that I'd assumed they would in response to my attempts to connect.

It all leaves me feeling rather disconnected, and even "fake" or superficial, when I'm anything but.

 

[Progster]

I rarely feel connected to other people when I'm talking to them, for the most part it's just going through the motions. I sometimes feel enthusiatic about a person, and if I've known them for some time, I may feel I trust them, but that's not the same as being connected. As Jennie also suggests, emotional bonds are forged through non-verbal communication rather than words. NTs mainly convey their emotions through body language and gestures, whereas I, being an Aspie, fail to pick up on or reciprocate these messages, so the emotional exchange needed to connect never takes place. I think that this is one of the reasons it is often said, erroneously, that Aspies lack empathy.

 

[JennieK]

I've been accused or questioned many times about my seeming lack of empathy. I've seen people watch and observe me suspiciously and it's unnerving. It makes me feel pretty bad about myself. Or, it used to anyway. Now I understand what's been going on and it's easier to accept myself. At one point, I was even questioning if I might be some sort of sociopath, which never made any sense as I'm highly emotional.

 

[Judge]

I've been accused or questioned many times about my seeming lack of empathy. I've seen people watch and observe me suspiciously and it's unnerving. It makes me feel pretty bad about myself. Or, it used to anyway. Now I understand what's been going on and it's easier to accept myself. At one point, I was even questioning if I might be some sort of sociopath, which never made any sense as I'm highly emotional.

Indeed. Then imagine 98% of society having a definite, dogmatic perception of body language that two percent of the same population doesn't neurologically conform to. But then we don't have to imagine it at all. We LIVE it.

Just because we don't project our feelings in the same way doesn't mean we don't have them. A relatively simple dynamic that so many seem incapable of understanding.

 

[Vinca]

I know a lot of us have trouble connecting socially with people, whether from lack of confidence, lack of opportunity, or lack of know-how, or whatever.

But when you do spend time with someone or a group of people...when you do have a real conversation with someone...if somehow you manage to hit all the right tics on your checklist of social requirements and the person is actually interested in what you have to say...

...do you feel emotionally connected to that person at that time?

Or do you feel like you've played the role just like an actor on stage, and so it's not real for you, deep down?

I don't feel emotionally connected to a person based on having managed to hit all the rights tics on my checklist of social requirements, I only feel relieved that managed to meet my checklist and haven't messed up.

I do feel a bit as though I have played a role, but if I didn't play a role I would talk non stop and never listen to anyone else, which prevents a connection and I would express alot of thoughts that would put people off opening up to me, emotionally.

I have found that I give alot of thought and time and put alot of effort into positioning myself in circumstances that would have the potential for experiencing an emotional connection but that the emotional connectedness is a rare occurance.

There have been a handful of times when I have felt emotionally connected to someone durring a conversation.

On one occassion alady was talking about the day out she had had with her mother as I was listening it was as though I could experience her emotions as if they were happening to me, I wasn't trying to imagine what the experience had been like for her i could actually feel as though I was having the experience, right there and then and my face responded to it instinctively. I would liken it to playing the piano, when muscle memory takes over and my hands just play the music without me consciously thinking about what I'm playing.

 

[JennieK]

I don't feel emotionally connected to a person based on having managed to hit all the rights tics on my checklist of social requirements, I only feel relieved that managed to meet my checklist and haven't messed up.

I do feel a bit as though I have played a role, but if I didn't play a role I would talk non stop and never listen to anyone else, which prevents a connection and I would express alot of thoughts that would put people off opening up to me, emotionally.

I have found that I give alot of thought and time and put alot of effort into positioning myself in circumstances that would have the potential for experiencing an emotional connection but that the emotional connectedness is a rare occurance.

Ah, I relate so much to all of this!

 

[Judge]

Bad enough to always be worrying in real-time to say the right thing in a conversation, but then to think we may be equally concerned not so much about whether we are truly empathetic, but how we can project it in a way to make it seem as such.

Too much to process at times. What a headache.