Emotional isolation?

[clg114]

I guess any of the above...is there EVER a conversation of any kind you have where you feel truly, emotionally connected with the other person?

Only with my wife. That's because I care about her and what she has to say.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I feel like I've learned the "NT language" fairly well...enough to get by. I've spent my life observing these social interactions, emulating my role models, studying psychology and relationships and people in general. When I'm not exhausted from the effort, I can play by the rules enough to appear like I belong. I've reached a point of burnout now, but even now, I can perform in "spurts" when I'm able to catch myself in the right mood.

Yes, exactly! I could be the guy on Big Cat Diaries after all my watching! "Here we observe the common bonding rituals of the female of the species as they inhale toxic fumes together as they have older, more experienced style their manes presumably to attract a mate, and deepen their emotional connections through chattering of their loved and hated ones." And about that time is when one comes up to poop on my car.

But what good does it do if I so rarely feel "connected" with anyone? I pour so much energy resources into that puppet of myself, the one that interacts with people on the other side of the abyss...that I lose my sense of self. The more I act the part, to fit in, the more I lose touch with reality, with who I am. But the more I retreat into myself, to try to find my sense of centeredness and grounding, the stranger I look on the outside. What kind of world do we live in that you have to look insane in order to find your sanity??

A very narrow-minded world? Sometimes I feel like the real me is some floating aspect up behind my back and the only time I really feel like myself is when I've had a few days alone to unwind and let my guard down does that aspect re-enter. Then I feel like I've woken up after a coma and I have no clue how the heck I got to where I was. For me, it's more like having to go blind or wear horse-blinders to get through extended periods of social interaction.

Even with all the good social skills in the world...I'm just not sure they would ever do me any good in crossing the abyss. If "acting" only draws me into the abyss...it seems like not acting would be the solution...but that route leads to rejection from sooo many people, or at the very least, unintentionally hurting them when I don't behave in ways that are satisfying and comfortable for them, and general confusion, and misunderstanding, and abandonment.

Oh, true that! I've made more people cry unintentionally than I have intentionally. Sometimes I think I should become a Tibetan monk or something and take a vow of silence around other people. One of the martial art monks. The katas are relaxing.

Maybe like John the Baptist...my calling is to spend my life in the desert, seeking God in the lost and lonely places.

Eating locusts and honey does have its appeal, especially if you can make honey-roasted crunchy critters. If I had to pick, I'd take the American desert with all the cacti and yucca. More food variety and I could build a tiny hut with the "ribs" of a Saguaro. Heaven help me, I've actually put serious thought into this!

 

[JennieK]

but then to think we may be equally concerned not so much about whether we are truly empathetic, but how we can project it in a way to make it seem as such.

Yes, this!

 

[DogwoodTree]

Sometimes I think I should become a Tibetan monk or something and take a vow of silence around other people.

A vow of silence...just about the only way to ensure I don't actively hurt people, only passively.

Sometimes I feel like the real me is some floating aspect up behind my back and the only time I really feel like myself is when I've had a few days alone to unwind and let my guard down does that aspect re-enter.

I thought I was the only one that lived like this!!! I have ALWAYS had this part of myself that hangs out just above and behind me, off to my right, watching everything I do. I see way more of my life from that perspective than from my own two eyes.

I started with a therapist today, and he talked about the different parts inside ourselves. He was using the IFS model (internal family systems) to help structure the explanation, and said that on the inside, there are three groups of parts: exile (the ones who carry the painful memories), firefighter (the ones who find ways to dissociate from the exiles), and manager (the ones who keep the exiles from causing trouble). It's a new line of research for me (yay!), and that "manager" part seems to be what's in control with me a lot.

I know it sounds similar to the id, ego, and superego...gotta do some research to figure it all out.

About Internal Family Systems

 

[Maelstrom]

A vow of silence...just about the only way to ensure I don't actively hurt people, only passively.

These are as the Germans would say, the ANGST OF LIFE issues, I think aspies may suffer a little more on this, but I have seen plenty of suffering on this among the NTs on this as well. We all wish we were empathic enough to never hurt someone elses feelings, but it is impossible to avoid the landmines all the time, and it's the wish to be kind that counts. And everyone yearns for that willow wisp of closeness just out of reach. I have gotten little bits and pieces of that closeness glow, once in a while. For me out side of love, there are things that seem to trigger it laughter, touch, and sharing personal stuff and intellectual discussion. Mostly it's a little joking around with a pat on the arm, or I ask advice on a people problem, or I ask them how life's treating them, sometimes there's a little I missed you hug or a small sorry your feeling poor hug, as a auspie I love intellectual banter the most but it is hard to find people with a high enough interest level. In life with everyone running around like chickens, finding a oppertunity for such bonding is hard. It may very well be why fishing buddies, hunting buddies, hiking buddies, sailing buddies or travel buddies are so popular, as those situations lend them selves more for close physical proximity and more intimate conversation. That's my 2 bits, you can kick it down the road.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I thought I was the only one that lived like this!!! I have ALWAYS had this part of myself that hangs out just above and behind me, off to my right, watching everything I do. I see way more of my life from that perspective than from my own two eyes.

I started with a therapist today, and he talked about the different parts inside ourselves. He was using the IFS model (internal family systems) to help structure the explanation, and said that on the inside, there are three groups of parts: exile (the ones who carry the painful memories), firefighter (the ones who find ways to dissociate from the exiles), and manager (the ones who keep the exiles from causing trouble). It's a new line of research for me (yay!), and that "manager" part seems to be what's in control with me a lot.

I know it sounds similar to the id, ego, and superego...gotta do some research to figure it all out.

About Internal Family Systems

It's my understanding most people are whole at all times, until in really bad cases where stress busts them up into several pieces, kind of like what poor Nurse Grumpy Cat went through recently. Or you're one of the fruity-tooty art types, artists, writers, poets, and the rest are notorious for not being all there unless they're in the zone.

I'm vaguely familiar with the id, ego, and superego. Used to discuss them regularly for fun, but I've about forgotten all of it. I always preferred the shoulder angels. The "make love" peace angel, "make war" little devil, and then the "whatever" mediator that tries to keep them balanced.

 

[On the Inside]

A vow of silence...just about the only way to ensure I don't actively hurt people, only passively.




I started with a therapist today, and he talked about the different parts inside ourselves. He was using the IFS model (internal family systems) to help structure the explanation, and said that on the inside, there are three groups of parts: exile (the ones who carry the painful memories), firefighter (the ones who find ways to dissociate from the exiles), and manager (the ones who keep the exiles from causing trouble).

About Internal Family Systems

Thank you for that link, from my quick scan of it, it looks interesting and makes sense.

 

[NewOldAspie]

Reading your responses, I wish we were all together at campfire just for a few moments to see and look upon ourselves. I struggle very much with self identity, It would be very comforting if for moment could sense and touch people that live in a world as I.

 

[Spiller]

I know a lot of us have trouble connecting socially with people, whether from lack of confidence, lack of opportunity, or lack of know-how, or whatever.

But when you do spend time with someone or a group of people...when you do have a real conversation with someone...if somehow you manage to hit all the right tics on your checklist of social requirements and the person is actually interested in what you have to say...

...do you feel emotionally connected to that person at that time?

Or do you feel like you've played the role just like an actor on stage, and so it's not real for you, deep down?

But still, still, I can't seem to make the emotional connection, even though I so desperately want to. It's like I exist on the wrong side of this deep, vast, dark abyss, watching everyone else living their lives on the other side, interacting with my mask but not even realizing that it's not me, that I'm so far away.

I've reached a point of burnout now, but even now, I can perform in "spurts" when I'm able to catch myself in the right mood.

I felt that abyss all my life DogwoodTree, distanced from everyone and everything around me, just as if I was a little outside my body.. so it's not just me!
I think I developed it as a defence mechanism during childhood; other kids ignored me, so maybe I subconsciously distanced myself from the emotions that made me feel; loneliness, isolation, sadness.
My major burnout last year changed all that though, as I'm recovering, I find I'm an emotional Aspie, I feel real and can connect to some people emotionally, though I also find, perhaps because of the years of isolation and my more child-like emotions (apparently NT's refine and control theirs as they reach maturity, AS/ASD's don't) I have to be careful not to allow myself to become over-attached to people.
Real conversation? It doesn't matter what we talk about, I enjoy that my three new friends enjoy what they're talking about, though we do have common interests, also, they're all atypical people.. it's still fresh for me, so maybe I'll get bored eventually, I don't know, just have to watch my obsessive lecture mode tendency, try not to repeat or bore anyone, and see where this goes.

 

[adamindeltona]

I guess any of the above...is there EVER a conversation of any kind you have where you feel truly, emotionally connected with the other person?

Maybe 2 or 3 times ever, where I let my guard down, actually was "me" and thought I was finally able to be honest about what I felt, thought I had a connection with that person. And I can only think of one time where the person responded like they were actually able to process what I told them, the rest of the times, I was kind of brushed it off with one of those "oh everybody feels down once in a while" type remarks. Oh well :-/

 

[NewOldAspie]

I wish had known about this aspie thing earlier in life. I am isolated. Occasionally a stranger will stop in and I can have short conversation, feels good to make a connection. But it is difficult for me to sit in company of others and be connected in conversation. Afterwords, I am distraught because either my lack of connection or that I had said something off topic. I seem also to direct conversation to some hot button item like climate or energy, then I later feel bad because of the depression I cause others for what I see as reality coming upon us. And getting old, tends to bring out politics, which can get me bigger trouble. So I return to my isolation with my shepherd, find comfort, reflect, and prepare for next human contact episode.